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Lord, You said the neatest thing a couple days ago, something I want to acknowledge here. You said I had BOGGED down in blogging, because I was leaving the L out. The Love. I had bogged down by forgetting Love. So what I want to ask You is this: how can that be? I try to focus on love every day, on Your Love, on loving others. How could I have been leaving the L-Love out of this blog?

It’s not that you left out Love when you posted your blogs, it’s that you left out Love when you thought about your blogs. Your blogging became more of a burden or a duty than a joy. And we talked about this–you began diligently and faithfully and persistently seeking Me…for others. And then, only for others. Thinking you were acting out of a sense of need, you forgot your own heart’s need, and in that forgetting, you forgot Mine as well. You got so intent and so focused on helping everyone else find their connection with Me, you neglected your own. You actually let yourself slip back into the old pattern of thinking that I was primarily interested in using you, in having you be an example for others, and not primarily interested in YOU. In every person on the planet, as an individual, unique, YOU, that I love, that I cherish, that I long to be connected to. Not a link in a long chain but a precious, singular child. That is what you forgot. You forgot how much I delight to spend time with YOU.

Think about your favorite moments with your son, with the grandkids. What memories stand out most? What kinds of future experiences would you long for? Aren’t they all about connection? What about your friends? Same thing. You long to connect–I made you that way. It is who you are, at your core. At your foundation. I long to connect. It is Who I Am. Part of the reason for the hiatus in your posting daily was to get you back into a routine of hearing from Me daily, for yourself. To renew your own joy and your own sense of clarity and direction. To hear from Me not only about all the people you love, but hear Me whisper to “just you.”

You so often say, when friends answer the phone, it’s just me. You laugh, they laugh, but here is what they hear, and what I often hear as well. You still devalue who you are, in their eyes and in Mine. The L-Love I want you to put back into your blog, back into everything you do and think and say and feel, is not My Big L Love for the world, great as that is. It is not even your love for Me, great as that is. It is My Big L Love for YOU. It is the Big L Love for you I would have, even if you were the only person alive on the planet. The sun would rise, the moon would wax and wane, the stars would spin and the creatures would sense your nearness, all for you. I would sustain the universe for any one of you, “just” for that one. Just for you. You always think, for all of us. Yes. But I want you to begin to think, for EACH of us. And that means, not “just you” but “just for you.”

So, Lord, what I most want to talk about today is this. I sensed the need to change, not the direction, but the rhythm of this blog. To change from a regular  pace of daily postings to a more syncopated rhythm, not as regular. But that threw me off balance. Not having the regular schedule of posting caused all sorts of emotional reactions I did not expect. I am still dealing with those, and not very well, I might add.

One issue you have, that many humans have, is thinking once everything is in place and set, that nothing will change–but everything changes, all the time! The daily pattern was to help you realize I will speak every day. When you quit posting daily, you quit expecting Me to speak to you daily. That is why you have these feelings of discontent, disconnect, and disappointment. You slipped back into old patterns of thinking and behavior, which for you includes a lot of isolation, as self-protection. But I Am Still Right Here.

There are folks whose life circumstances suddenly thrust them into a position where their rhythms change, even their rhythm and pattern of their regular contact with Me–like the illness of a family member, or a schedule change in their job–and that can throw them badly off balance just when they need Me more than ever. Even traveling or visiting family can disrupt the regular routine.

They–and you–need to remember I Am Flexible. Yes, yes, I Change Not–in My Character, in My Goodness. In My Love. But look around you! Your world, the universe, is changing second by second! Babies are born, butterflies emerge, trees fall. The winds of change are blowing all the time. I, the God of All, Am Present with you through all the changes, with My Unchanging Love. That is your foundation, your bedrock, no matter what changes come. Even if those changes seem to disrupt your times of quiet contact with Me, I still Am. I Still Am.

Do you perceive the double meaning? I Continue. And I Am the Still Small Voice whispering inside you, available in every circumstance no matter how chaotic. Part of the reason for the rhythm change here, in posting, is for you to grow in being able to hear My Voice anywhere, anytime, in any circumstance. Those who read this need to know this too–and in their own experience, not just vicariously through you. What you most need right now is the Peace, the Stillness, that comes from Me as Still I Am. So breathe that in. And release all those thoughts that you have to do this all by yourself. Silly little one!

I do feel a little silly, God. Thinking that. I mean, realizing that this is what I was thinking–haven’t I learned anything yet?!?

You have learned much and grown much. Mostly you just need reminding of that. This was a good reminder lesson for you.

It didn’t feel very good. Learning it, I mean. Or re-learning it.

(Gently). So what have you learned?

That You are I Am. And You never leave us. You are right here. Even if or when we don’t understand, You are right here. You are always right here. 

Indeed. I Am.

 

I am going to be, not exactly (I hope) taking a break from blogging here as much as uploading less frequently than daily.

The time commitment of running the shops in the summer, particularly on nights I close, is making the process of doing daily entries suddenly a strain on my most important earthly relationship, that with Pete. I didn’t realize how much it upset him until earlier this evening.

I know God knows my heart. While my talking with Him certainly won’t diminish, I cannot promise what I started out promising in my initial understanding of this blog: that it would be a daily posting of our conversations, in hopes of prompting readers to begin dialogs of your own.

I admit, too, that I have felt lost this evening, wondering what to say, or if to say anything at all. But I have more than 1,100 of us signed up to subscribe now. So I owe you the full truth.

I will post again as I can.

Lord, it’s been a busy few days. And I have a busy few days coming. I find myself saying lately, a lot, is it okay if… and I have been trying to change my wording, be more definitive, say, I am…whatever. I am feeling, I am going to…I intend to… But tonight, may I just say, is it okay if…I just lay down, go to bed a few minutes early? If You were standing here in person, I mean a person I could see, and hug, like Pete, say, I would be giving You a hug right about now and asking if You minded if we talked again tomorrow, and I just went to bed.

And what do you think I would say?

Honestly, I think You would react like Pete does sometimes: why would you ask that? Of course it is okay! If you are tired, lay down! It’s usually midnight by the time it’s bedtime. But I could use the extra half hour sleep.

You could use way more sleep than that. Go. Rest. I Am watching over you, never forget that. Sleep in Peace, little one. Be very aware you are very loved.

Thanks, Lord, for a great opening day at Yellowhouse. We were busy, busy enough that it was a struggle at times to get needed tasks done. But I am glad we went ahead and opened. It’s funny, I could probably have made a weak case for getting open a week ago, and I could have made a strong case for waiting another week!  We just weren’t ready last week…and both of us felt it was time, although there are still tweaks to be made and inventory to price and put out. So this brings up a question inside: how do we ever really know we are “ready” — especially when change is involved? Change can be exciting or feel risky, adventurous or intimidating. Any new chapter can be all of that at once! So how do we know we are ready?

Define ready.

Uh, well, in this case, ready would mean having the space organized enough to both showcase what we are offering and safe enough to move around in. Ready also means having enough to offer…aha, okay, I want to talk about that part, I guess. “Having enough to offer.” I can look around a retail space and decide yes or no. But inside? In my soul? How do I know I am ready for a next chapter when it involves giving something of myself I may not have given before, or not to this extent? You can’t know until you go, right? But gosh, that seems either scary, or arrogant (to assume you are ready or capable when you are not), or in some cases maybe too restrictive–you might never go, thinking you were never ready!

One of the legacies of your school years is this sense that the only acceptable state is perfection. “Not to get an A is to fail.” This runs deeper in you than you know. It is one thing to try to do your best. It is another thing to adopt a core belief that “your best” requires perfect performance, perfect discernment, never making any mistakes or missteps– in short, you allow yourself no room to really grow, no room to try, because “trying” implies a willingness to stretch into something that is by definition not yet perfect, not yet finished, otherwise, you wouldn’t be trying, you would be “doing” or “achieving.” How many experiences have you denied yourself over this notion that you could not try? That you had to go from 0 to 60 in a nanosecond. That you had to reach the goal line on the opening drive of the game. The pressure you received from those years is enormous and instead of diminishing over time, it has grown into an internal monster that accuses you always, never letting you rest, never letting you breathe. That monster will kill you prematurely if you keep giving it quarter. You need to unmask it for the liar it is. You need to compare its voice to Mine. You need to say, clearly and firmly, my life is not being graded. I am loved for who I am, for the heart with which I embrace others, for my genuineness in relationships, for my collaborative (not competitive) spirit, for my generosity with both time and treasure, and for my stubborn allegiance to ways of peace. Eve, you are not failing. Not at anything.

God, I had no idea this still ran so deep. This…this sense, of having to always, always achieve. I am sitting here crying and I don’t know how to stop being who I am, who I’ve been.

I just told you, this isn’t who you are. This is who you were told to be, encouraged to be. It doesn’t mean you are a slacker. It doesn’t mean you are not committed, or passionate about what you do. It does mean you love to learn.

I do, Lord, I do.

I know you do. It also means you love to share, you don’t hold back information or tips or hints — you are so far from stingy, with everything. Look at you now, being willing to be vulnerable, putting this out there.

Yes, well, You told me to.

I told you that you had a choice. You can choose to keep anything we talk about private, and I will love you and cherish you no less.

But God, I can’t be the only one, struggling with this sense of self.

No, you are not.

So I guess that is why I am willing to share. What if somebody, somebody like me, reads this, and says, oh good grief, she is writing about me, she is talking about me. Then it is all worth it.

Why worth it? Why do you say that?

Because maybe that someone will get a breakthrough, will receive understanding, and be gentler with themselves.

And what about you? When do you get to be gentler with yourself?

I don’t know. I keep thinking, once everything is “done” — but everything is never really done. There is always more.

Like another paper to write in school, another quiz to prepare for, another exam you have to ace.

Yes! Yes, exactly.

You see, this thinking has overlaid your approach to all of life. And it is taking the fun out of life. Were your school days happy? Did you just love school? Did you thrive on the pressure?

No, actually, I was unhappy inside most of those years, until I began to form a relationship with You. Before that, the depression was pretty severe, although I think I hid it well enough. So what do I do now? What is my–Your–third way for this? Obviously, it isn’t a half-hearted, who cares, kind of attitude. I guess I need a new definition for “do your best.” I am trying to remember what You said to me before, about perfection. About be ye perfect as your Father in Heaven is perfect, which, let me just say, is absolutely perfect. I am just saying.

Be WHOLE. Be COMPLETE. Be your best self. Those are better translations. Not be stressed to the max, be stretched thin, be unrelenting in self-pressure. I never said the fruit of My Spirit is perfect performance, now did I?

No.

Love…joy…peace…patience…goodness…you already strive to add those to everything you do. Let Perfection go. It is not a Fruit I seek. Ripe and Perfect are NOT the same thing. Ripe is another word for “ready.” You can be full, full of love, and overflow. You can be full of joy. You can be full of patience and kindness and peace and goodness. Let Me fill you up with Myself, united with your self, your gifts, your heart, your personality. But let’s fine-tune this part of you that thinks I require a perfect life. I just want a real life. An honest life. A united life, with Me.

Can we talk about this some more? All of a sudden I am really tired.

Of course you are. This is a lot to grapple with, a lot to take in. You have acknowledged a major player in your own mind’s assessment of yourself. That is a necessary first step, for you to see how ingrained this is, and how damaging. Now we can work on this together from here. For tonight, rest. Rest in peace, and sleep in joy. Know that you have My complete love and delight, not because you are perfect, but because you are you.

Okay, Lord, thank You. I love You, Lord.

Now, God, I have minutes. What would You Who are Timeless, what would You speak into my minutes?

Why do you think I Am a Trinity?

Uh, I have no idea.

I modeled humans after Myself.

But Lord, we are limited. I mean, we have bodies.

Yes, so there is the Second Person of the Triune I Am. Jesus.

Okay, so here is a question. Jesus entered time, so to speak, limiting Himself in a physical sense to our limits. But if He always was, this is hard to convey in words, if He always existed before His birth, He was, what? Not separate from You as Father–but different? Same Essence, same values…like twins? I get confused. We people, we get confused!

Think about a 3-legged stool. I Am Balance within Myself. You need balance within yourself. You need to tend to your needs in three areas:

Your body–your health. That means what you eat and drink. That also means exercise and movement, it means how you treat yourself. Even your outward appearance to others, clothing, all of that, comes under the heading of your body.

Your mind and emotions–what you learn, how you learn, what and how you think, the thoughts and feelings you generate either proactively, like affirmation or gratitude, or in reaction to others or to circumstances.

Your spirit–this is where your core values are, and is the seat of your creativity too. This is the well, the deep spring, that feeds and waters your mind and emotions, which in turn prompt action–your body’s responses. You need all three, and you need balance among them.

Lord, whole studies have been done on the Trinity. I read one time that a way to think about it is the roles even we people play. How one man can be, at the same time, a grown son, a father himself, and a husband. Who he is, who he appears to be is different depending on the relationship. Factor in other relationships like employee or boss or co-worker, or friend or coach or…whatever…every person will have a different perception of that man, depending on the relationship they share. 

Yes, this is perceptive. Yet it is only part of the truth. The relationships each has with that man are also lived in different arenas, so to speak. The relationships at work might be based more on sharing information and thoughts, perhaps (depending on the job) even sharing creativity. The relationships at home, if they are healthy and complete, will include all aspects.  There might be friendships, like a sports league, that are based more on sharing a physical connection, like bowling or golf.

So what does this have to do with anything?

Humans tend to compartmentalize their relationships, including their relationships to themselves, and their relationships with Me. Some approach Me only mentally. Emotions are kept under wraps unless they are sanitized to be what people think I will accept–like the Ted Talk you heard tonight on emotional rigidity versus emotional agility. Some approach Me only when they have a great need that affects their body, like an issue with their health or finances, some crisis. Some have their entire relationship built only on their negative feelings, coming to Me only when they feel empty or sad or alone, but essentially ignoring Me or My Presence when they feel no real need, when life is going well. How long do you think a marriage would last, if one partner approached the other only under restricted, regulated conditions? Yes, I call Myself Father — but your scripture also names Me the Bridegroom. And a truth of the Incarnation is this–when you allow the Holy Spirit to join with your spirit, what can be birthed in and through your life, creatively and emotionally and then physically, can literally change the world. Not just your world, the world at large. This is how great ideas and innovations come into being. Sparks of ideas take fire in the imagination and are forged into reality through concentrated action.

So when I say I Am, I intend to be all of these to you. To humanity.

I Am Father. Think of what that means to a young child, assuming the Father is faithful to his role. That child will grow up to feel safe in the home, will be taught responsibility, will be encouraged to grow and explore, will have a source of wisdom to look up to and draw from. In short, that child will be well-nutured to become his or her very best self.

I Am One of you. Think of a spouse, think of a partner, think of a best friend, think of a twin. Think of a sibling that goes through life alongside you, that mirrors back to you through the lens of shared experience truths about yourself you might otherwise not recognize. Think of what you have felt empowered to do, when you know you have been deeply loved and supported, having someone right beside you who believes in you and your best.

I Am Spirit flowing through you. Like your breath, I animate and fill your very being, whether you know Me, name Me, recognize Me, partner with Me, or not. But the choice to participate in My flow in your life opens you to greater and greater creative expression, in all ways. Do you want to accomplish great things, have ideas that will help and bless and encourage others? Embrace the I Am Who is Spirit, Who is Holy. Holy means My impulses are pure, of highest motive and intention. My Holy Spirit will help you gauge any time or any area where your own ideas or ideals are falling short–not to scold you, not to punish you, but to encourage you to aim higher, to achieve greatness. Anyone can be great in Love. Anyone can be a champion in Compassion and Peace. Anyone can be judged Joyous and Grateful. Anyone can be awarded for Truth.

So I can have all these relationships with You?

You can and you must, if you wish to be all you can be here on this earth. This is more than a matter of balance, even. This is about fullness. Go back to that three-legged stool. What happens if one leg is radically shorter than the others?

Oh, I have had that happen with my tripod! It is disastrous! If I don’t catch it, fix it, the whole thing crashes to the ground.

Well, your life, your collective human lives, are in danger of crashing to the ground without the full length of each leg of the stool. You want balance? Seek fullness. Don’t go halfway in your relationship with Me. Share it all. Be all in.

Ok, Lord, I have to ask You one more thing. What about Lazarus and the Rich Man, the parable You told, about the gulf between the two, and how nobody could come across from one side to the other? What about that?

It is true, that on their own, on their own volition or desire, neither could cross the chasm–but you are forgetting I Am the Bridge. It is I Who Crosses. It is I Who Bridges the Gap. I Am the One Who unites, finally at what you humans call the End and what I name the Great Beginning, the Rebirthing.

The sense of shame does not carry forward into eternity, but those with great remorse do carry forever the realization–in a much deeper way than those who need little forgiveness–of how deep and great and wide and high My Grace, My Love and My Forgiveness truly is. That is why Paul could write that ALL will be saved, though for some, it will be through fire. It will be for those, first, through the fire that consumes all they have done of evil, of ill will, in their lives, and second, through the fire of great and passionate Love, for Me as their Redeemer and for all their fellow humans. For I Am Not Willing that any should perish, but that ALL should come to repentance. And So It Shall Be. My Will Shall Be Done–though not always on your earth or in your sight.

This is the real meaning of My Cross. I Cross the chasm. I Bridge the divide, the divide between Love and Hate, between Peace and Discord, between Joy and Sorrow. I Cross the divide between Life and Death, and that is why it is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. I Am Life. I Am Resurrection. Some may enter through the back door, so to speak, but all shall eventually enter into My Kingdom–and then, there shall be, as I said, One Flock, One Shepherd, all united in Me.