Walk with Me

Lord, I have 15 minutes. Maybe 20. I have done everything except get quiet. I lay awake too long to begin, quiet. Lord?

You think you can’t hear Me in a “brainstorm.” Worse, you think I can’t hear you. When you cannot quiet your mind, I. Am. Still. Think about that. I Am Still. What if I cannot be still, cannot be still and know, you ask? Then look to Me, the Great I Am, the One Who Still Is, Who Is Always, Who Is Present, Who Is Both Active, and Still. Let My Peace penetrate your unknowing. Just walk with Me. You will find My companionship to be all you need today, to begin. To begin your day more centered, more grounded, more focused. Just walk with Me. Decide on a pace that lets you remember all you do know.

You are being Martha and neglecting Mary. Look up the verse. (I do that.) See what it says? I don’t scold Martha for being busy–which is what you always think. It is not the tMartha was busy, or that she had a lot that had to get done–which is what you say–it is that her attitude needed adjusting. And the best way to adjust attitude is to realign with Me, which is what Mary is doing in the story. It’s not about preferring one sister over the other. It is not even about sibling squabbles. It is about Martha being distracted, worried, and anxious or upset. Does this sound like anyone you know?

Okay, so there has to be a third way, for busy people. The story goes on to say only one thing is important.

Yes, and that is?

Oh, of course! Love! Love You, love others!

And–love yourself. Take care of yourself too–and living in a perpetual state of worry and distraction, even if you try to say it’s all about others, isn’t actually loving anybody. So, walk with Me. Let Me show you every day what your own “good part” is, what that looks like in the context of your work, your home, your family and friends, and the larger world.

Depth

God, I think about everything going on all around me, and it makes me realize all over again, that I need to practice gratitude, I need to take time to write out affirmations for myself, as a reminder. As a commitment. Like this: I am a blessing in my world. My commitment to love and to peace overrides all other agendas, in my shops, in my home, in my family, in all my relationships and encounters. There. Thank You, God. That feels MUCH better. It’s a choice. I need, I need to make good choices.

How would it be, how would it feel, if you spent a day, a whole day, not worrying? Not worrying about Pete. Not worrying about others’ moods or reactions. What if you could spend one entire day worry-free? What would fill your mind? What would fill your heart?

Gee, God, I don’t know! What would fill my mind? Are You saying it’s possible?

Do you think Jesus spent His days worrying?

Well, no. Of course not.

So if you can have the Mind of Christ, doesn’t that imply a new way to think? Not just new thoughts, but a new mechanism of thinking altogether?

A new mechanism?

Think for a minute about the ocean, how different it looks depending on the light, the wind, the sky, the time of day, whether there is fog–yet in all those appearances, the ocean is still itself. Sea life still teems beneath its surface.

Yes.

So much of what you see and think when you think “ocean” is, literally, on the surface. The same is true when you look at those around you. You see the surface-conditions and I see the heart. I see the depth and you see, mostly, the shallows.

So, Lord, what do You see when You look at me?

I see complexities of longings. I see multiplicities of gifts. And at the surface, I see you still settling for much less than I want to give you, and give through you.

But. There’s a BUT. I can feel it.

You are trying hard to maintain calm at the surface. If you can ever fully embrace calm at your depth, which is to say, to live from My assurance that all is well, then your surface calm will be a reflection of the calm and peace within. The BUT is, you are trying to live this backwards. You think you can project or engineer an outward calm by force of will and it will somehow penetrate inside you. Go deep, find peace there, and you will find within all you need to go long.

To go long?

Yes. To live out your days in genuine peace, in the Peace that passes understanding, in the Peace that does not waver or falter. In My Peace.

Walking Alongside

God, I am so grateful we had the chance to get away, even if the time was short. We saw lots of pelicans—You know how I love them—and rode the beach, looking for dolphin, which we did not see, and shell beds, which we did find at low tide. No big whelks, but a couple small ones, three olive shells, a slough of scallop shells, one large starfish, AND a purple starfish—which brought me right back to our first anniversary on Ocracoke, and finding all those purple starfish 20 years ago. Somewhere in all my film images is a photograph of me, looking delighted, holding a purple starfish. I felt that exact same delight this week!  We heard a couple of our favorite Ocracoke musicians play live at a local restaurant one night, and ate lots of good local seafood while we were there. We saw a full moonrise and a warm, gentle sunset glow over the harbor and sound and sea. And we did relax, I know that.

 This afternoon we continued our sort of laid back vibe with lunch on the deck at Coastal Cantina, and then we came home and sat on our own porch in our own swing, just content. I think what makes vacation idyllic is the absence—if only briefly—from the myriad of responsibilities we both take on when we are home. I say that and pause, listening. Kaylee just grunted, happily napping. The sound of the compressor is cutting off and on, telling me he is in the garage making a frame. Both the washer and dryer have stopped, prompting me to get up and switch loads and start a new one. Just little things, noises of our daily lives. But it felt good to have different sounds in our ears—laughing gulls vying for attention, and the loud horn of the ferry to Cedar Island, and the whoosh of breaking and receding water.

Now back at a sprawling hill of paperwork, I know we are going to need Your help to stay balanced and connected, especially as we, I mean he, works to clear his framing equipment out of our Nags Head spot. I love the busyness of summer, Lord, I do. I just don’t want to get lost in the pace. I keep telling myself, come his birthday, the move will be over and we will settle into yet another new routine. I pray it is gentler for him, God. Still productive—he needs that, needs the sense of that—but gentler. Honestly, I wasn’t sure we would ever get to take another vacation, even a mini vacation away, so these few days were beyond a treat. Which brings me back around to where I began, with Thank You.

 

You easily let yourself become burdened. You take on the angst of others, from family and friends to the world, and it is much too heavy for you. You are not Atlas. Your shoulders were never meant to bear such weight.

What about sympathy and compassion, God? I know You told me before, not to be an empath, per se. But what about compassion?

What else did I say?

Ha, to show mercy with cheerfulness. But You also said to weep with those who weep.

And…

And to rejoice with those who rejoice.

Every day, you can find reasons to weep. But every day, you can also find reasons to rejoice. Living solely in one realm or the other is not only unbalanced, it is not fully honest. But too many in your circle tend to live more focused on the reasons to weep than the reasons to rejoice. Some react with depression, some with cynicism, some with sarcasm, some with despair. Because there are also reasons to rejoice, I Am asking you to react with hope. To react with faith. To meet life’s challenges with an assurance that is grounded in My Love for you—and for everyone around you. I Am asking you to keep walking, to not give up—and that means, to keep hope alive for your business and for your most precious relationships. Continue to ask Me for ways that you and Pete can celebrate your love for each other while in the middle of a busy and sometimes stressful life. Ask Me for ways you two can rejoice together. You have had your share, and more than your share, of weeping together—and weeping alone. It is okay to ask Me to help you rejoice, to find those happenings in your lives together to rejoice over.

Lord, sometimes it seems as if our world together is shrinking. Like today, sitting on that swing.

And how did you feel in those moments?

Content. Truly content. He was feeling okay—that is a big issue for me, how he is feeling physically moment to moment. Maybe I shouldn’t let that influence my emotional mood, but honestly, it does. If he feels good, I can feel my whole body unwind and settle down. I think…I think I have become hyper-vigilant, and not in a good way necessarily. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wanting to make sure I am right there to catch him if he falls—literally! As if I could. I hear myself sometimes and I just want to say to myself, be quiet already! Let the man be! But then I think, if I don’t watch out for him, who will? I feel like I am not doing my job, if I am not watching him like a hawk every minute.

And where does your joy go, in your vigilance?

Sheesh, out the proverbial clichéd window! Seriously, it just evaporates.

Then what makes you think your response is any part of My Will for you? Follow the Joy. Follow the Peace. Follow the Love. You think you are being loving, but actually you have elevated your worry and your stress over how he feels and tried to convince yourself these are spiritual, lofty responses. But they aren’t. They are very human responses to very real concerns. But don’t make the mistake of calling your worry or your stress faith. You know it isn’t. You know it doesn’t flow from the same place your contentment of this afternoon flowed from.

Ok, so this is not the direction I pictured this discussion going, but thank You. And I have a question. How AM I supposed to take care of him?

 Well, not by assuming he cannot care for himself. And not by thinking your watchfulness will prevent anything or everything that you might label as “bad” from happening. Eve, your bodies are aging, both of you. Eventually the shell and cocoon all of you inhabit now will be swallowed up in a blissful eternity. That is not something to fear—you know that. It is not something to dread—you know that, too. And the reason I Am saying this now is, your worry, your stress, your fear, your dread are robbing you, both of you, of moments right now. Moments like this afternoon’s, in your swing. If you can find the courage and the peace within yourself to truly let go, and determine to rejoice in all there is to rejoice over, and to revel in every peaceful and joyful moment, you will first of all enjoy your days more, and second, receive the strength you need when the time comes that you do have to assume more of a caregiving role than you need to now. You found that strength with your folks, so you know what I mean. For now, rejoice more. Laugh more. Play more. Flow more. Think of these days and weeks and months, all your latter years together, like a halcyon Indian Summer. Just revel in your time together. You already have had more years than you initially hoped for. Keep enjoying all your minutes together. Find reasons to rejoice and watch the joy in your lives, in both your lives, increase again.

I can’t carry him.

You cannot. You will both fall, if you try. But you CAN walk alongside him, which is all he really wants. It is all I Am asking of you, too. And if you look deep in your own heart, it is also all you want, all you long for. Just walk alongside.

 

 

Exit Here

I had a good day, really, but now I am tired. So what do I do? I drink a cup of coffee. Because I need to be awake, alert and at least somewhat productive, and I’ve got four hours or so ’til bedtime. I’ll relax, kinda-sorta, watching tv for part of that time. But my brain, God, it never stops. It never really rests. So more than my body, can we talk about my mind? I told a customer once about how my brain works, how busy it is all the time, almost like a pinball machine, making connections, synthesizing this with that, and in all seriousness he asked me, so do you take medication for that? I was almost offended! NO! I said, in probably a louder voice than maybe I should have. It’s my brain, I said! Sometimes I like how it works. But sometimes I do wish it would sit! stay! Like a puppy, like training a puppy. I guess that is what mediation is partly for, training your brain to sit, stay. Right?

I made the human brain to think. There is a difference between thinking and over-thinking, between planning and worrying or fretting. Here is a question you can ask yourself–how many times have I covered this same ground, mentally? If you were walking or driving instead of thinking, would you be saying, wait a minute, I passed this same exit half an hour ago! I am back here again, I have made no forward progress! Sometimes that is a very good thing, as it signals you have more work to do to resolve something inside. But if you find yourself passing the same exit over and over and over, then it is a signal there is a deeper issue involved.

Lord, years ago my pastor said, if you find yourself over-reacting to a seemingly small or relatively harmless situation, it is a sign that it is a trigger, relating back to something deeper.

Yes, that was wisdom from him. The same can be true of your worrying. Or your over-planning. Or your second-guessing decisions. Try to get at the source of the repetitive thoughts. Are you accusing yourself, telling yourself information that isn’t correct?

Like what?

How about, you are lazy. Nothing, nothing could be further than the truth. Or what about, you are not doing enough. Again, untrue. You repeat other phrases too. Why don’t you jot some of them down here.

Here? Now?

It might help you. Get them out of your head and down on the page.

Well, I know I say I’m tired when I am actually other things beyond tired. Like upset, or scattered, or…frightened. When I feel pressure closing in and I don’t know what to do, what decision to make. So I say I am tired when I mean more than that sometimes. 

Go on.

Well…gosh, this is harder than I thought. I say, no one cares what I think. I say that a lot. I guess I have said that, a lot, for a very long time.

And now that it is in black and white, staring back at you, what is your reaction?

It’s not true. It is very far from true. Lots of folks love me, and lots of folks actually do care what I think. Some care because they care about me, my thoughts matter to them. Others care because they look to me for my opinion on things. Gosh, it really is the opposite of what I say inside.

So here is what I want to say about that. You just wrote, “what I say inside.” How do you know, why do you believe, I Am speaking with you now?

It is a little hard to explain but I feel as if I know Your voice now. I know the calm and the peace I feel when You start talking. I can come agitated, and You always, always calm me. It’d be like asking me how I know it is Pete on the phone–of course I know. I know his voice from all other voices.

Yes, this is true. So how do you know this is you, in your head, accusing you?

Oooh, that is almost scary, like someone else, not me, not You, is thinking in my head? Is that what you are trying to say? I don’t like that thought at all!

I Am not saying this in the way you are imagining. But you have, most humans have, a stronger memory than you think, especially of your formative years. You internalize many messages spoken aloud, or even with non-verbal clues. Much of your opinion of yourself comes from those early years. We have been talking much lately about play, about perfectionism, about rest. All of these trace back to your early school years with their roots. What I Am saying is, these repetitive thoughts you have, especially those that accuse your character, your stamina, your diligence, your love, your commitment, even your ability to make and keep a commitment, all of these stem from ways you were treated or words that were spoken in your earlier years. If the words came from authority, they had more impact yet. Young children tend to trust the messages they are given. The young of all species are hard-wired to learn. One important difference between animals or birds and humans is that animals and birds give their young consistent messages designed to maximize their ability to survive and thrive. Oh, would that were so with humanity! What a different world you would inhabit! Much of My trying to teach you My voice is to help you discern the difference between My voice and My words and all other voices that have ever spoken to you, including your own. Now here is a promise. Just as you learned to copy and imitate other voices and behaviors when you were very young, including words and thoughts detrimental to you now, so you have the ability to learn and imitate My Voice, My Words, and My Thoughts. Not only can you learn new facts and new skills and new information, you can learn a new way of being with yourself in this world. THAT is what will, once for all, destroy within you the power of fear, worry, anxiety, stress, drivenness, striving to be perfect, trying in fact to be anything that you are not–and all the outworkings of all of that in your life, your health, your finances, every realm you can think of. You can look to Me for an honest, realistic assessment of who you are, and who you can still yet become. You can turn down the volume on any voice that speaks out of your past, while you seek My wisdom about its truthfulness.

So the next time you catch yourself passing the same mental exit ramp, thinking no one cares what I think, or I have to try harder, why don’t you deliberately exit? Don’t go around the loop again. Get off that road. Remember what I Am telling you now. Take the exit marked, My True Self. Let’s continue to explore that road together. It is more beautiful and more wonderful than you have been led to believe.

More on play

So I had all good intentions of playing today. I did. I even planned it out, what, when…but I couldn’t. This came up, that came up, the other came up, all important and all time-sensitive. There was no way to do what I planned. Eventually when I got back to the house I did “play” — I played my guitar, which I haven’t done lately, just for a few minutes. Does that count?

Dogs who have been rescued often have to be taught how to play. You have learned trust, and you have excelled at obedience. You have become very affectionate. You overflow with gratitude, and you are a vigilant watchdog, looking out for those around you, keeping an alert eye on your family, on your friends, on your business. Now we need to work on this aspect of performance versus playtime. You would gladly chase after a ball and bring it right back if you thought it served some purpose. You aim to please. I Am trying to help you see that pleasing yourself is not the opposite of pleasing Me or pleasing those you love. Doing something for the pure joy of it, the fun of it, is what we are after here.

Gosh, God, who knew play would be so hard?

I know. That is why I gave you the assignment. You are diligent with assignments. Remember Julia Cameron’s assigned play?

Yes, well, those tended to be the exercises I did not complete!

So now it is time. Play-time.

You are going to have to show me how, God. Or maybe I should say, what and when. I had a how today–but the what and the when never worked out.

What about tonight?

My chores aren’t done. OH! OH! My Chores Aren’t Done! Isn’t that when kids get to play, when their chores are done? Right? My chores aren’t done. Seriously, not done. And I can work up till midnight and they still won’t be done. And by tomorrow there will be more of them…not done. Not all done. They are never all done.

So you never can play?

Well…this runs counter to everything I…allow. The word I want is allow.

You weren’t forbidden to play as a child.

No, no I wasn’t. So WHERE and WHEN did all that start? Yes, performance in school is a big part of all this. But as a little kid I played. I even had an imagination. I climbed trees. I pretended all sorts of things.

By yourself.

Well, yeah, sure. Always by myself. I played race with our goat. I remember that. Back and forth, up and down the fence line. It was fun. 

Name something fun in high school.

Fun? Reading, I guess. I loved to read. I began playing guitar in high school. I met You!

But meeting Me then, what you were taught then, was it FUN?

No, I wouldn’t say that. It was serious. Life got serious. Is that the root, Lord?

(Almost a whisper) Little One, look back. What were you told?

Eventually I learned that anything frivolous, anything, oh goodness, anything fun, was wrong. I mean, reading the Bible was okay, and Christian doctrine, okay, but anything else, not okay. So no more reading for pleasure. No more music on the radio. No tv. I guess the guilt of even wanting to do something other than study or work took over. Anything else, beauty for its own sake, all of that, anything for pleasure, I was told to avoid. 

Or else.

Yes, or else.

And what do you think now?

I think it was a lie. I think whatever the motive may have been, I wasn’t told the truth, about You, about Your world, about the joy You intend for all of us. I remember thinking at some point that Puritanical and tyrannical rhymed for a reason!

You see, you have recovered much from those years. But sometimes, a situation occurs, as now, and unearths more that needs to be healed. Just as with a rescue dog, sometimes the memory comes back, and the behavior reverts. That is where you are now.

You said that to me once before–sometimes the memory comes back. And then You said You wanted to heal those earlier times.

I still do. So don’t put more pressure on yourself about “play.” I have come to talk to you about play so you can be even more free, not more bound. Just let Me lead you and we will walk into greater freedom together.

And maybe skip? I used to skip!

Maybe I should call you Skippy–for the fun of it!

Lord, Your Love, it blows me away. You are so diligent, to bring out the best of us, all of us. 

That is what a good parent does. So when I say to you, run along and play now, give it a little consideration, okay?

Okay.

 

Trust

Lord, it occurred to me, driving home, I often ask You about things. I need wisdom or guidance or understanding. But sometimes, I need to ask You, or I want to ask You, for things–blessings of various kinds. And I have had friends who fall on either side of a great divide in understanding. On the one side I have friends who say, oh no, you can’t; God doesn’t grant those sorts of prayers! And on the other side are friends who say, oh my, you must — God delights to grant those sorts of prayers! So they can’t both be right…right?

Let’s set “right” aside, for right implies wrong. I suspect your friends who counsel you not to ask Me for specific blessings or outcomes are also of the mindset that the days of miracles are either past, or never did exist in actuality. Theirs is a limited understanding of My Presence, My Being with all of My creation. It reflects a duality of thinking which says I am either a magic genie granting wishes willy-nilly, or a grand puppeteer and I do whatever I want to with what I own, aka all of creation. Neither is an accurate reflection of Who I Am.

When you approach Me from a rich, deep, broad understanding of I Am Love, and I Am Love Incarnate, Love Become Human, Love Enfolded In Flesh, then you can better understand the kind of relationship each person can have with that kind of Love. What would you ask a stranger for? What would you ask a best friend for? What would you ask a spouse for? What would you ask a parent for? Your answers vary, first, depending on the kind of relationship, and second, depending on the personality of the other. There are generous parents and stingy parents, parents who seek their children’s best and parents who are so wounded emotionally or so ill mentally that they cannot focus beyond their own selves. A child who grows up with that kind of parent will have a different relationship to the word “parent” than someone who grows up in a loving, safe, responsible home. A partner who lives with a loving, respectful, tender spouse will have a very different view of marriage than one who lives with an abusive, unfaithful or violent spouse. So much depends on the experience each human has with his or her most significant relationships. My Big Challenge — yes, I, God, have challenges too — is to approach each one of you on your own terms, at a pace that matches your own ability to receive. Think about your little feral kitty. She has come so far with you — yet she still startles and hisses at certain noises or sudden motions. You have learned what voice she responds to most, how to move slowly and easily so you don’t frighten her. And her capacity to love and trust increases as you approach her on her terms. But the other kitty, the one who has known nothing but love and safety, you can be much bolder with him, scooping him up in your arms while he purrs in delight!

Now imagine each kitty were magically given the gift of human speech. What do you think each one would ask you for? Would they ask the same things? Would they expect the same things? Or would their requests be colored by their prior experiences of life? You see? Neither would be “right” because this is not a question of right or wrong. This is a question of experience.

All that really matters is that you continue to model your best life in Me. That will tend to teach the skittish by your example that perhaps there is more depth to a relationship with Me than they have previously imagined.

Trust, Lord, it seems to be about trust.

Yes, and some will trust Me more simply because they trust you.

Precision

I dreamed I was looking at an album of my photos and they were dull, greyed. No pop. Not bold. Hazy. Lots of photos, and all the photos were that way. Dim, faded, like a protective film that renders out of focus was over each one. Lord, I want to walk with You a little. I know every time I reach out my hand, stretch my thoughts in Your direction, You are there. Always, always, right there.

Have I not promised to be your light? I Am still the Light of the world and the Light still shines in–into–the darkness. bring Me your dark places, your dim places, your dullness. Don’t confuse beveled with dull. Beveled softens edges for beauty and for use. Some things are meant to beveled; others are meant to be sharp. A butter knife doesn’t need the edge a carving knife needs. You need a sharp edge to prune, to edit. Ice skaters need a sharp edge to inscribe their line. Precise–this is what sharpness should mean for you. Not wounding, precision.

You can be precise, definite, bold, passionate in your gentleness. You can be fiercely firm, unwavering, in your commitment to peace. Not wishy-washy. Not dull. Not a dim resolve. Like Annie Dillard’s title, Holy the Firm. Let firm be holy for you. Let Me show you how to take a stand, how to make a mark–your mark. You are inscribing touchstones now, a mark here, a mark there, hoping someone will find one. The larger work, your larger life, is like inscribing on tablets, putting yourself out there. That is the source of your block, that fear. So you dim it, dull it, hide it. Don’t dim your light. Don’t dim My light in you. You think this means prophecy. It does. Let that sink in. It does. You think that means railing at the world, pointing out its wrongs, focusing on evil, routing out sin. You can stand against–many do. I Am asking you to stand FOR. Be passionate about what you intend. Focus always on that. Remember My old word, be ruthless for righteousness? You do that by intention, by intending good and blessing–not by fighting against evil, and putting your focus there. Put your focus on what you intend, for yourself, for others, for the planet. Visualize peace. That is your vision quest. Let Me show you a new path and a new way and a new day.

 

Perspectives

Lord, I think I need to talk about perspective. Somebody could come along tonight and ask, how was your day? And depending on my perspective, on what particular aspect or moment I want to focus on, I would answer in any number of ways! I might say, great! I might say, exhausting. I might say, tense. I might say, overwhelming. I might say, truly wonderful. And all of those things would be true! 

You remember the proverb, as someone thinks, so someone is? So what is your dominant emotion right now?

Joy. Gratitude.

And why is that?

Well…we had some difficulties today with the move, no doubt. But they all resolved in the end–or are close enough to being resolved that I don’t have to fret over them. Pete is no longer frustrated or anxious and that helps me, too, it does. And overarching any difficulties was my gratitude for all the help, the moving guys, Phyllis’ trojan efforts over the past days to get us ready, and her vision and Pete’s vision for the new space as well. Then there was the synchronistic serendipity of the two gals who “just happened” to wander in, and right at the time we could talk and connect. Honestly, that was huge. Encouraging that fledgling artist, I say fledgling only because that is what she might, if she were being generous, name herself, when actually she is full stature and doesn’t see it yet, but encouraging her was a highlight of my week so far. I had a brief conversation with a grandson and his voice always brings me joy. I connected with several friends over the past couple days. It has been good.

So your perspective acknowledges all the realities of your day. You aren’t ignoring the difficult parts or pretending they did not happen. You lived through them and felt the weight of them in real time. The difference is, you did not allow them to overtake your overall perspective, of life being basically good, and of seeking–and therefore finding–places to connect and ways to bless. Your perspective shapes your reality. It does.

 I have had this happen, actually, in a photograph, where the perspective was skewed because of my lens choice. And what my lens saw and the reality my eyes saw were very different.

If you can keep holding on to your chosen perspective, to live a life centered in Love, in Gratitude, in Peace, that does not mean you will not encounter any difficulties. It does mean you have tools to navigate through them, and beyond. It also means at the end of the day, like right now, when you look back on your day, you do so from this position your perspective offers.

When you look back on your week, this time tomorrow, and when you look back on your year, at the end of the season, and when you look back on this chapter, and when you eventually look back on your life, you will see clearly the valleys you walked through, but you will also see how they did not predominate your life’s landscape. Instead you will see the shining reality your perspective created for you and those around you, over and over, just as today–a reality of beauty and hope, of centering and encouragement, of joy and peace and love. Remember, if you want to change something in your outward reality, have a good close look at your perspective.

Ok, God. I hear You. And God…thank You.