Month: April 2018

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Waiting

Lord, the days are getting longer now. Little by little and day by day, more light. Thank You for Your promises of freshness. Even more than any kind of vacation, I have been longing to feel fresh here. Here on the Outer Banks, here at home. I know I won’t go with fresh eyes or the ability to be inspired anywhere else until I can be refreshed here. Then, anywhere I go will be fresh, because I will be fresh, I will be bringing a refreshed perspective to each day.

My Birth appeared ordinary–not to Mary and Joseph, and not to the shepherds–but to everyone else around that night. I was hidden in plain sight until the time was right. There were hints and glimpses, but the full picture wasn’t shown until many years later. And even then, it was not fully understood by the world at large. So I well understand waiting and timing. Bread, leavened, still takes time to rise. Still takes time to bake. Then it becomes food for the world.

Waiting is never easy. And you are waiting not for a resuming of something already experienced, already known, but for something as yet unrealized in your life and therefore unimagined. You keep saying, I can’t imagine, and that’s true. The first gate we will open together is that gate, the Gate of Imagination. Your writer-self needs this. You are picturing a rusty farm gate, squeaky rusty hinges, long neglected. As if somehow you should have known it was here and been using this gate all along. But the Gate we will open together is new, easy to swing, and high. It opens onto a world the likes of which–pun intended–you have never imagined. That is the whole point. This is a Gift you are now ready for. This isn’t a territory you have neglected. It is only now being readied for you, because you are now ready to receive it, prepared to explore it, able to actually occupy it, settle in and live here. There is a big sign on the Gate: Welcome Home.

But it’s not Heaven. I mean, it’s here!

It is Here. It is your next chapter. Your next level. Your next phase of being with Me, in your world.

And this is meant for daily? For every day?

You cannot understand until you experience. All you have to do is wait. You are already ready. I have seen to that. The time you will need to live this out–I have already seen to that, too. No, no this doesn’t come at the price of your health.  This is pure and undiluted delight that will give new color and shape and breath to everything you do. This is like breathing fresh air after being cooped up inside a stuffy stale room. Each full breath actually increases your capacity to breathe deeper and fuller yet.

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Touch and Go

Julia Cameron says we should write in the morning, and for the past 16 years, I have done just that. I like starting the day with a clean slate, remembering who I am, who You are. I like setting my inner compass for the day, and I definitely feel more centered and less rushed when I take that morning time. But I have to admit, thanks to this blog, I am liking my times of writing in the evening, too. I haven’t sat to write at night like this for years and years, maybe 30 or more. There is something about ending the day with a clean slate, too. But I don’t always find time to do both. Sometimes, especially if I missed the morning pages for some reason, I find myself rushing here at night, and rushing is not my best pace, where these pages are concerned. I do better to amble on paper than dash.

You do better to amble through life than dash, too — but sometimes, dashing is necessary, and dashing here is better than not coming here at all.

Sometimes I feel like a pilot practicing touch-and-go’s; I am not really seeing the scenery, and I am not fully landing!

But practice for the sake of practice can be beneficial, too, and that is one lesson you are learning now. Sometimes it is enough to, as you say, “just show up.” What have you learned by just showing up?

I have learned that You are always, always here. I get afraid I will be met with silence. I get afraid that our connection is lost, that I have lost it, like the cliche about losing the thread of the conversation. I am afraid my end will unravel. But Yours never does. Sometimes You pick up where I left off weeks or months or years before, and suddenly what You said then clicks into place, and it all makes sense!

That is one advantage of writing these musings instead of merely thinking them. Memory as you know can be elusive, or fickle. You may not always remember when you need to. Details, important nuances, can be lost. But if you take the time to write it all down, as you have been doing these past 16 years, then you have a record to go back to.

It’s really helpful, Lord. It boosts my faith, too, to see or read rather, what You said in the past, and see it unfold later as my future. Well, when it unfolds it is my present, but You know what I mean.

Since I Am Timeless, I inhabit all time at one time. All is one to Me and in Me. That is why I can talk to you about the future. I Am already there. I can guide you from that perspective into your best possible choices, if you continue to let Me. If you continue to practice, to stay connected, there is much you can learn, much you can discern, and moreover, you can walk in much more faith, which by default means much less fear. It’s a good trade, don’t you think? A few minutes in the morning, a few minutes at night, and your faith and trust increase while your worry and stress and fear decrease.

Yes, Lord, a very good trade! Thank You. But back to “touch and go.” When we say that, it is usually a negative connotation. It means, can go either way, like someone in a medical emergency, and you don’t know the outcome. You seem to be implying something different.

The keyword is “touch” not “go.” As you go, touch. Think of touchstone. These pages are like a touchstone for you. Here, you touch Me. You touch My Heart. You touch your own here, too, and you see right away when you are off course, or off center. You touch, and then you are empowered to go, to go into your day. Think of how you often dash out the door in the morning, think of this morning–what was the last thing you did?

Well, dash is the word for today, and the last thing I did before I stepped out the front door was give Pete a kiss goodby, and tell our Sheltie to be a good girl and I would be home tonight, and then on the front porch I said the same to the kitty. Then I just about trotted to the car!

You see? You took time to touch, and then go. In Me, even touch and go can be a very good thing.

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Capacity to Receive

Lord, all that is happening now feels like a new day.

Yes, this is what I am giving you, giving you both. A new day. I want you to really enjoy this. Revel in it. The “Turn Tide Turn” you have prayed for others–I AM speaking it over you. What about them? I will give to each one as much as each can hold. Pray that they will increase their capacity to receive. That is what I Am doing now in you. I Am increasing your capacity to receive. Your gratitude, and your wanting blessing for others are big keys, but your feeling unworthy or somehow undeserving has been the big obstacle and that is what I am removing now. Those others have different obstacles, like jealousy or anger or grief. You have been trying to move those obstacles within them. Don’t focus there at all. Just keep asking over and over, God please increase so-and-so’s ability to receive. For every health, financial, or life need. And then, let them go. You don’t have to keep begging Me to be Who I Am. Ask once, and then remember, this IS what I Am doing for them. Then say, “Thank You God for increasing so-and-so’s capacity to receive.”

Ok, Lord, well there is…and … then there is …

Sssh. That’s enough. Enough for one day. I Am focused on you. I will inspire you. This is a Creative Partnership. Think of Me as your coach–we are doing this together. But you are not a puppet–you, in fact, are brilliant. You are; you shine. You do. Announcing, your bright glorious future starts now.

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More on play

So I had all good intentions of playing today. I did. I even planned it out, what, when…but I couldn’t. This came up, that came up, the other came up, all important and all time-sensitive. There was no way to do what I planned. Eventually when I got back to the house I did “play” — I played my guitar, which I haven’t done lately, just for a few minutes. Does that count?

Dogs who have been rescued often have to be taught how to play. You have learned trust, and you have excelled at obedience. You have become very affectionate. You overflow with gratitude, and you are a vigilant watchdog, looking out for those around you, keeping an alert eye on your family, on your friends, on your business. Now we need to work on this aspect of performance versus playtime. You would gladly chase after a ball and bring it right back if you thought it served some purpose. You aim to please. I Am trying to help you see that pleasing yourself is not the opposite of pleasing Me or pleasing those you love. Doing something for the pure joy of it, the fun of it, is what we are after here.

Gosh, God, who knew play would be so hard?

I know. That is why I gave you the assignment. You are diligent with assignments. Remember Julia Cameron’s assigned play?

Yes, well, those tended to be the exercises I did not complete!

So now it is time. Play-time.

You are going to have to show me how, God. Or maybe I should say, what and when. I had a how today–but the what and the when never worked out.

What about tonight?

My chores aren’t done. OH! OH! My Chores Aren’t Done! Isn’t that when kids get to play, when their chores are done? Right? My chores aren’t done. Seriously, not done. And I can work up till midnight and they still won’t be done. And by tomorrow there will be more of them…not done. Not all done. They are never all done.

So you never can play?

Well…this runs counter to everything I…allow. The word I want is allow.

You weren’t forbidden to play as a child.

No, no I wasn’t. So WHERE and WHEN did all that start? Yes, performance in school is a big part of all this. But as a little kid I played. I even had an imagination. I climbed trees. I pretended all sorts of things.

By yourself.

Well, yeah, sure. Always by myself. I played race with our goat. I remember that. Back and forth, up and down the fence line. It was fun. 

Name something fun in high school.

Fun? Reading, I guess. I loved to read. I began playing guitar in high school. I met You!

But meeting Me then, what you were taught then, was it FUN?

No, I wouldn’t say that. It was serious. Life got serious. Is that the root, Lord?

(Almost a whisper) Little One, look back. What were you told?

Eventually I learned that anything frivolous, anything, oh goodness, anything fun, was wrong. I mean, reading the Bible was okay, and Christian doctrine, okay, but anything else, not okay. So no more reading for pleasure. No more music on the radio. No tv. I guess the guilt of even wanting to do something other than study or work took over. Anything else, beauty for its own sake, all of that, anything for pleasure, I was told to avoid. 

Or else.

Yes, or else.

And what do you think now?

I think it was a lie. I think whatever the motive may have been, I wasn’t told the truth, about You, about Your world, about the joy You intend for all of us. I remember thinking at some point that Puritanical and tyrannical rhymed for a reason!

You see, you have recovered much from those years. But sometimes, a situation occurs, as now, and unearths more that needs to be healed. Just as with a rescue dog, sometimes the memory comes back, and the behavior reverts. That is where you are now.

You said that to me once before–sometimes the memory comes back. And then You said You wanted to heal those earlier times.

I still do. So don’t put more pressure on yourself about “play.” I have come to talk to you about play so you can be even more free, not more bound. Just let Me lead you and we will walk into greater freedom together.

And maybe skip? I used to skip!

Maybe I should call you Skippy–for the fun of it!

Lord, Your Love, it blows me away. You are so diligent, to bring out the best of us, all of us. 

That is what a good parent does. So when I say to you, run along and play now, give it a little consideration, okay?

Okay.

 

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The Practice of Play

What a day–lots of life lessons today. I headed to the beach for my “play date with God” and went first to the section of beach I know best, I guess, across from the old gallery location. What got my attention there was how many rocks there were, some good sized ones too. It made me remember how much I used to love to collect rocks as a kid, how the teachers let me and Greg W. out of playing on the playground so we could hunt through the river rock beds beside the building for fossils. There were a lot of people there, though, so I left and wound up walking the beach all the way down at ramp 23 south of Salvo. What I realized first was how uncomfortable I was with the thought of playing — I mean, how do I play? I have learned a bit about relaxing, but play seems different. I didn’t know how, or what to do different. I looked for dolphin–they seem like playful critters–but there weren’t any. I looked for rocks but this beach was more typical with shell fragments. I did find some heart-shaped ones but that didn’t seem different than my usual beach walks. I remembered skipping rocks with my Dad as a kid, so I tossed a couple–one rock, one shell fragment–and they skipped in the wave wash, and I laughed. But I have done that before and it didn’t seem to qualify as a big time play date.

Then walking back I decided to investigate this pile of…something…I’d spotted walking down. Turned out to be a large cache of broken whelks. Earlier I’d said, I think I am broken inside, I don’t even know how to play! And here were all these rejected, discarded, not-perfect, broken whelk shells. At first, I thought how beautiful they would have been if only they were whole. Then I started thinking how beautiful they were, period. I began to wonder if any of them would have a heart shape in the broken place, like the one my friend Toni found on her play-day earlier this week, and gave to me. Somehow in digging through that pile of whelks, and unearthing the buried ones, something switched, or clicked, on or off, I don’t know which. It was fun. It was like a treasure hunt. And I did find hearts, lots of hearts! And I could feel You there. Once You said something about looking inside, and right after that, there was the shape of a heart in the pattern inside the swirl of the whelk shell. So thank You for today. It really was fun. And I think I learned a life lesson, at least I hope I did, about brokenness, about the way You see us. You see the beauty, You see inside, You see potential. Right?

Here is what will be hard for you to understand, in your duality of thinking. You think and see, broken OR whole. Broken VS whole. Perfect VS flawed. But here is what I see: Beauty IN Brokenness. Wholeness IN Brokenness. You keep waiting to reach some state of being, some ability or achievement, where you can finally decide, now I am whole, now I am beautiful, now I am worthy. Sweet little one, you are already whole, already beautiful, already worthy in My eyes, for My eyes see only through Love. And when Love beholds the Beloved, Love sees only Love — Love reflected, Love transforming, Love renewed, Love reciprocated. Love and only Love. So I don’t see you beautiful IN SPITE OF, which is how you would tend to think. I see you beautiful. What you see as flaws, or broken places, I see as soul topography. Imagine a totally flat, featureless landscape. Now imagine the kind of landscape you love most, with some elevation, some texture, maybe some rolling hills, maybe some rolling waves, and always some bird or critter inhabiting. Which is boring? Which is exciting? Which has more possibility? Imagine a blank canvas. Imagine a blank page. These have possibility only if they allow transformation! Only if they welcome change! If the canvas or the page had the ability to choose stagnation and sameness, what gift could they give the world? It is only in their willingness to no longer be blank, but to be transformed, over-written, with great globs of paint, that they have the possibility of intense, immense beauty or soft subtle beauty or persistent steady solid beauty. You see?

I think so. So my broken places…

Like the lyric says–are where the light gets in.

OH! Oh, right. One more question–when You said the other day a better translation of perfect would be whole, doesn’t that mean whole shells are better than broken ones? Right?

If the whelk Toni gave you, and the whelks you found today, had never been broken, they would not have hearts to share, now would they?

So we need to be broken? That sounds…scary.

Broken is such a negative word in your cultural vocabulary. Again, think of paper, think of canvas. Think topography. If a whelk shell fulfilled its many life purposes, being completely whirled at one phase, and then tumbled and in pieces in another phase, but the pieces themselves became gifts from the sea, and the remaining whelk shell became another gift from the sea, doesn’t this become a story about GiveAway? Can’t the shell give-away of itself? You do, all the time.

Think of the Bread, broken. The Cup, shared. Think of the Loaves and Fishes–Multiplied. If you can be willing to play, to admit into your landscape of responsibility some texture, some topography, of playfulness, you will multiply your ability to make a difference, multiply your gifts. But you have to be willing to change, to let the practice of playfulness transform you. I must tell you, you will not be the same. But I would never call you into territory that I did not intend as blessing for you.

Gosh, it’s different than what I expected. The Practice of Playfulness? 

Healthy children play every day. Did you think this was to be a one-time event?

I didn’t think past today, honestly. Playfulness every day? 

It doesn’t have to be long. Don’t make this into some new commitment you have to calendar and schedule and check off your to-do list–that defies the whole idea of play.

God, I think You are going to have to teach me how this can work. Ha, “can work!” See? I really need You for this. But yes, as I told You before, I am willing to try.