Month: April 2018

Posted on

Night-night

Lord, it’s been a busy few days. And I have a busy few days coming. I find myself saying lately, a lot, is it okay if… and I have been trying to change my wording, be more definitive, say, I am…whatever. I am feeling, I am going to…I intend to… But tonight, may I just say, is it okay if…I just lay down, go to bed a few minutes early? If You were standing here in person, I mean a person I could see, and hug, like Pete, say, I would be giving You a hug right about now and asking if You minded if we talked again tomorrow, and I just went to bed.

And what do you think I would say?

Honestly, I think You would react like Pete does sometimes: why would you ask that? Of course it is okay! If you are tired, lay down! It’s usually midnight by the time it’s bedtime. But I could use the extra half hour sleep.

You could use way more sleep than that. Go. Rest. I Am watching over you, never forget that. Sleep in Peace, little one. Be very aware you are very loved.

Posted on

Oh Very Young

Tonight I drew in my gratitude journal instead of writing out my list; I had so many gratitudes, and suddenly I didn’t want to rank-order or even number them. So I drew them as balloons. Fun. Somehow that little exercise just enhanced the feelings I was having, not only of gratitude, but of joy and of hope, too. So here is a question. It’s a life question, but also (for me) a business kind of question too. I view art, artistry, creative expression as essential. And when I say essential, Lord, I mean absolutely necessary for a full life. Just as our bodies have to have air, and have to have water, and have to have nourishment, and in that order, I think our souls have to have artistry. And not just our own expressions, but appreciation of others’ artistry too. Is that why drawing out the balloons made me feel more deeply?

You were more aware of your feelings, drawing them, because writing comes more naturally to you. As a writer and as a speaker/storyteller, you turn to words first and often. Drawing is not your natural first means of expression, so you were actually paying more attention drawing than you might have paid, writing.

But it wasn’t artsy, Lord — more cartoonish than anything. Like a very young child might do.

Exactly! “Like a very young child might do.” That is the whole point for you now, to connect with Eve-as-very-young-child. You are unlearning much from those years, and we will be replacing your unlearning with new learning, and new freedoms of expression you may not have enjoyed when very young. When did you quit drawing?

Gosh, I started to quit in early grade school. My pictures weren’t good enough. They were graded poorly–I mean, I got poor grades on them. I either didn’t fill up the paper or the proportions were all wrong. I learned early that I couldn’t draw, that I couldn’t be an artist. Then when I was just a little older, but still elementary school, I tried to paint the birds in my favorite bird book, and my mom’s art teacher found a lot to criticize in them. And she was partly correct; I mean, looking back at them later, I saw right away the flaws she had pointed out to my mother. But I never heard how to fix those flaws and pretty soon I just gave up. It was about that time that words took over, I think. I began to write more and eventually I never drew again, not really. 

Until…

Until I tried, at various times in adulthood, sometimes on my own, sometimes under the guidance of real artists! What I finally realized is that if I wanted to truly hone my skills at drawing, I could. I did have some innate ability, but what I lacked at that point was time. Rather than spending time learning how to draw, and then beyond that, perhaps to learn how to paint, I chose to spend that time, or that percentage of time let’s say, outside, camera in hand. I don’t regret that choice. I love the outdoors and photography gives me the means to get out there. 

But despite the evidence from your adulthood that you can, in fact, learn to draw and that you do, in fact, have some ability in that area, you still see yourself and name yourself as someone who can’t draw. The picture we form of ourselves as young children often persists despite evidence, sometimes overwhelming evidence, to the contrary.

Lord, why are You so interested in these vignettes from my childhood? Why do we keep going back there?

Because your stress, anxiety and fear responses all have roots there. You think you are reacting to stimuli in your present, but I tell you, you are responding to old, old triggers. If you can let Me gently remove the layers hiding those old triggers, they will, one by one, lose their power in your life.

Gosh, God, that would be wonderful. Even though the thought is just a little scary.

Don’t be afraid. That is why I said “gently.” We will never move at a pace beyond what you can absorb and find healing. The idea here is restoration and renewal, and in some cases, transformation, not more stress or anxiety. We will only move as fast as healing allows. So be patient with the process and patient with yourself. And let yourself have fun with this, as you did tonight, drawing out your gratitudes. Pay attention to every prompt or impulse, no matter how small it may seem–or how silly. This is actually going to be a wonderful and wondrous journey for you. And the end result will free your Storyteller, too. Ah, that made you smile!

Good grief, yes. I would love that. So my Storyteller is constricted by…

How can you write for children when you won’t let yourself play? Think about that a while. I have so much still I long to show you. Wonder will be the Door.

Thank You, Lord. Again.

Posted on

Savor

Thank You, God. I almost typed, thank You Daddy, and that fits too. Tonight we are tired, really tired, but glad-tired, relieved-tired, oh-so-grateful-tired. A long day’s drive to Chapel Hill and back, with a CT scan for Pete and a surgical visit in the middle of it, and all good news everywhere. The hernias which have formed as a result of his surgery seven years ago are not dangerous or requiring surgery at this point, his insides are still clean and healthy, and our hearts are so much lighter after making the trek. Thank You as well for safety on the road, especially on the trip home, after it got dark and we were even more tired, trying to strain our eyes to watch out for deer. On the way, I saw a lone Great Blue Heron, a symbol for the two of us from seven years ago, as well as a couple juvenile eagles and both (I think) a red-tailed and red-shouldered hawk soaring above us at various times. Lots and lots of black vultures and turkey vultures, aerial acrobats, who always remind me to release anything negative, anything in the past that might hold me back from fully living in the present. Good reminders today. I know I said it already, but honestly, God, thank You. I tend to say Thank You a lot, I know. But I especially want and need to say it tonight.

Do you know why gratitude is so important? Gratitude keeps you focused on all you have, rather than on all you lack.

There was something else I felt You were trying to tell me, right after our appointment.

Yes, you immediately turned your thoughts to intercession for others you know in need, and I told you to wait, and to savor the feeling of release and relief, rather than dart off into the next thing.

Even if the next thing was a giving, spiritual kind of thing?

I have told you this before–you don’t have to give all your gifts away. Farmers eat from their fields, too. So relish the fruit of this day. Allow yourself the peace that the day provided you. Hold on to the joy, and share it with one another. There will be plenty of time and opportunity to intercede for others. For right now, just rest in the peace and the joy and the release you both are experiencing. This is a gift I mean for you to keep, not to give away.

Ok, Lord, we will. And God?

Yes?

Thank You. 

Posted on

Rest and Reset

Well, the internet is out so I feel disconnected. Good thing You don’t waver, or wobble, or sputter, or just quit in a fit of pique. God, You really are amazing, like the songs say. You keep plugged in to our messy, noisy world, and our messy, noisy hearts. I think all I can think of to say about that is Thank You. It feels strange, being cut off. I need to upload photos for an ad I am on deadline for. I need to correspond with more than one artist. I need to remote in and check inventory for another artist. None of that can I do. So the fact that I cannot work leads me straight to remembering the playfulness of today, which was a surprise. As soon as I got out of the car I noticed three or four hearts scattered about the pavement—oil patterns, moisture patterns, leaves, trash… and that continued at the next stop, and the next. At some point I realized that my spotting them felt different somehow, as if You were playing with me, a kind of holy hide-and-seek, although these were easy to spot, like very young children running around and finding “hidden” colorful eggs in the yard. God-Play. I am so grateful for the notion I can scarcely express it!
 

Yes, you needed a dose of playful fun today. How did playing make you feel?

It energized me actually. The more I spotted hearts, even when I wasn’t overtly looking for them, the lighter my own heart felt. Wow, play as energy. Never thought of that, either.
 
And how do you feel now?

I feel the sort of tired I like to call good-tired. Actually, it is the same sort of tired after a very satisfying day outside, in fresh air. Thank You.

…And voila, the internet is back! Not without effort, though the tech support gal was friendly and genuinely supportive and helpful. One more modem reset later and I am connected again. So this immediately prompts an analogy: the reset button, how I need that myself. Sometimes, a lot! And how reset is almost spelled like rest. Hmmm.

So when you feel disconnected, you need to reset, and to rest. You don’t need to resist.

Resist?

Yes, you need to REST in what IS. You don’t have to fight it to change it. Resting in what is does not mean accepting something unacceptable, like bad service or bad behavior, even from yourself. It does mean acknowledging the reality in order to find the point of change. Change can be as simple as pushing the reset button.

In order to reconnect.

In order to re-establish from your own end a connection that always was present. The internet was not out on her end, was it?

No.

And there was no widespread outage as you once surmised.

No.

So the issue was entirely on your end, on your reception. And for that, you needed a reset.

Lord, is that like remembering what I already know? Like St. Paul says, writing the same things is not a bother to me and it is helpful for you. Like that?

Do you think that My saying the same things is a bother to Me?

I don’t know. Maybe, sometimes. Sometimes I think, I should be past reminding. Past needing a reset button!!

You know your own skin replenishes itself, sloughs off and rejuvenates repeatedly. In that process, you keep your own set of fingerprints. They don’t change. Think about that. A feature, unique to you in all the world, and through thousands of cycles of change in your lifetime, they remain your own. If the human body can refresh its outward appearance, yet remain itself, why can’t you refresh your soul and spirit, so as to remain your best self?

You are talking about fingerprints…and that makes me feel even worse, because I have been picking my fingers. As You know. As I am ashamed to admit.

Here is how I view that behavior: as a signal there is something disrupting the transmission between My Heart and yours. All I see in your behavior is a kind of static that distorts not so much My Voice–you are hearing Me clearly enough now–but your own. You tend to revert when you start to doubt yourself, when you question or second-guess yourself, or when you imagine others, especially those closest to you, are somehow hyper critical of your choices. You began the practice in early childhood over the sense that you were not smart enough for your father and not quite the young lady-child your mother wanted. You internalized those non-verbal feelings very young and never found a way to speak them, much less to hear what they might have answered. So I shall speak to those feelings, and on their behalf, right now. Are you ready?

Gosh. I don’t know what to say. I think so. I trust You, I know that. 

The truth is, you were smarter, quicker, than your dad knew what to do with. He was raised to be competitive, and in the scheme of his birth family, to be the loser as the youngest brother. Imagine how he felt when his own child began to manifest evidence of a mind that hungered to learn and that synthesized meaning in ways he had never thought of. Mostly he was afraid he would lose you, lose your love. The truth is, once your creative gifts began to show, and once you began to be more at home outside in nature than inside playing with dolls, your mom did not know what to do, either. She was raised in an era that delineated clear roles for women and for men, with skill sets common to each role. You didn’t seem to have either the skills or the interests, so she, too, was afraid that you two would somehow grow apart if she encouraged you too much in being different than she was. By the time you were a teenager, they could not have been more proud of you, but by then, you had absorbed the ideals of perfect performance as a way to please them, and everyone else around you. What that did was rob you of knowing how much you were loved just for being yourself. By then, the pressure you were putting on yourself was much greater than either of them realized, and as I told you recently, you have carried this pressure for most of your life. It is much harder for you to live responsibly without that sense of pressure than it is for many others. And true to form, you take that pressure out on yourself. You internalize it, and then you expect more of yourself than you should, and then you are angry with yourself for not “doing better” and all the while it is easy to assume I Am the One setting such high standards. This is why it is no bother for Me to keep repeating to you, over and over and over, I Am with you, I Love you, and perhaps most important, I accept you and I release you. You can be yourself with Me. Your funny, witty, creative, thoughtful, goofy, happy-go-lucky, pollyanna self, the self you imagine others would like only parts of, you can be all of you, with Me. Don’t disconnect. Don’t let the static drown out your own voice. It is Music in My ears, truly. Set yourself free. Even if you have to do it over and over, set yourself free. As you said recently about prayer, One More Time.

Thank You, Lord. You have given me a lot to think about. I feel relaxed now. Even my tight calf muscles feel more relaxed. Somehow I think I can sleep, now.

Yes, little one. Sleep. Rest in My Love.

 

Posted on

Uncertainty

Lord, I have this friend who describes herself as someone who has the gift, the ability, to hold the space of uncertainty while at the same time holding on to hope, and faith, and love, and even joy. To my eye, what she is doing is turning that uncertainty-space into sacred space. And to my mind, what she is doing is impossible! But she is living it out, every day. Some days are harder than other days, sure–but the fact she is here on Planet Earth, living this out, and has been, tells me the impossible is possible, here. It’s like that verse about the peace that “passes understanding.” I always picture runners when I hear that verse, and Understanding is doing the best it can, but it is exhausted, near the end of its lap, can barely move another step, and here comes Peace, fresh, with wide strides and bright eyes and Peace takes the baton from Understanding’s hand, just sprints onward with it, and I can imagine Peace whispering as it runs by, “you did well, go rest now.” Understanding isn’t going to win this race, God. It’s not in it to win it. Peace is. Somehow right this minute, that thought gives me a lot of comfort.

Then Peace is already doing its work in you. Don’t make this harder than it is. Letting go the baton is also letting go control.

Ouch!

Control is an illusion anyway, you know. Almost everything that happens around you is out of your control. So you are mostly responsible for what happens within you.

Lord, what about the philosophies that talk about the power of the mind, about affecting outer reality by our thoughts?

Most folks let “outer reality” dictate their thoughts, rather than the other way around. That is why I said, almost everything that happens around you is out of your control. You react to circumstances, rather than being proactive and preemptive. Let Me give you an example. You are late leaving for work. You are trying to rush, and traffic seems slower than usual. You seem to come up on more red lights than green ones. NOW you have a choice. You can give in to frustration. You can begin to take risks, take chances, drive aggressively, weave in and out of traffic, try to race through a yellow light. Even if you are able to do all that without getting into or causing an accident, with what attitude will you arrive at work? Will you be overflowing with peace and confidence, with joy and love, or will you be stressed, rushed, perhaps even angry or impatient? What will those around you receive from you when you walk in the door? Even if you are technically on time, are you coming as your best self?

What happens if you take an opposite approach? You are still behind schedule but you make a deliberate choice to focus on gratitude, on staying calm and centered in your values. You may arrive late, and be sorry for being late, but what else will you be carrying into your workplace? More serenity, more ability to focus and get your tasks done efficiently and timely when you do arrive.

God, that actually happened the other day. I was maybe five minutes late leaving, and exactly what You just said, happened! Slow traffic! Red lights! I fell further and further behind.

And what did you do?

Well, I realized about a third of the way there that my heart was beating faster and I was getting more and more upset, so I did the only thing I could think of. I sang. I sang about being in the right place at the right time, I sang about being a blessing in my world, I sang my love for You. By the time I was maybe 2/3 of the way there, I was calm, I was happy and funny thing, I wound up being a couple minutes early! I am not even sure how that happened!

You see? Your attitude helped pave the way, literally, for your circumstances to change. It won’t always be that obvious or that simple, you know that. But choosing to stay in mindful awareness of My Presence with you, and to choose peace, to choose gratitude, to choose joy, is in fact to choose to be the blessing in your world that you long to be.

So is that how I can begin to learn to live with uncertainty, God?

You already do, more than you are aware. Your challenge is to stay in Peace rather than drift into what-if scenarios that prompt stress or anxiety. Here is your challenge and My Promise, all wrapped into one reality: I will guide you, moment by moment, through any challenge you face, if you stay connected to Me. Hear Me again. I Will Guide You. THAT is the source of Peace-within-Uncertainty. You can rely on My Guidance. I Am not saying there will be no obstacles, or no grief, or no hardships. I Am saying what I Am always saying: I Am With You, and I Love You. Therein lies the only Peace you need, and trust Me when I say to you, it is more than enough.

 

Posted on

Miracles

God, here I am, at the wanting to ask You for a miracle, a personal miracle, or the possibility of a miracle, and already I am hearing all this static in my head. You’re not supposed to ask for yourself. You’re not supposed to ask for miracles. God doesn’t do miracles anymore. God doesn’t do miracles, period, never did. Which is a small, slippery slope slide down into, God doesn’t, God can’t, God isn’t. Which I don’t believe. Which makes me, what? Crazy? Faithful? Foolish? Wise? What?

If you can’t ask Me for miracles, then who can you ask?

Well, that is the whole point, isn’t it? Either there is the possibility of what appears to our limited finite human faculties to be something out-of-ordinary, something other, something we have termed miraculous that happens, or there isn’t. Honestly, God, I come down every time on the side of the line that says there is. That says all is possible with You. I may not understand the how or the what, but I do believe, anything is possible with You. So I come asking, one more time–but not the last time. My one more time is never the last time.

Nor should it be. Even those who say they believe sometimes make Me out to be stingy, doling out favors to favorites, and in limited supply. Rather I Am extravagant, and love to lavish gifts on My world.

Oh, God, I am always creeping around this question. It starts with What about…and then I have–we all have–a private litany. What about this, or that, or so-and-so? What about what happened over there, or that particular day, or…whatever. What about that?

You want Heaven come to earth. I do, too. It is no comfort, no comfort at all to say, well it isn’t here yet. You know that. I know that, too. All you can do is all you are already doing–keep asking and keep believing and keep an open mind and heart, even when you don’t understand.

God, it’s hard. I just want to make everything better. I just want–this sounds so naive, so like some fairy tale with a happily ever after ending–but that IS what I want, I just want everyone healed. I want bodies healed and strengthened, I want minds and hearts healed, I want the power of addictions broken so folks and families can be whole. I want what I want. I feel almost stubborn about it. 

This is why you make such a great Kingdom ambassador.

It is?

Yes, you know when not to compromise. You don’t compromise My values or My principles, which are…

Always to bless.

Yes, always to bless.

So can I ask You, may I ask You, one more time?

Of course. For as long as you live in a body on this earth, you may ask Me, one more time, again and again.

Thank You, God. Then I am asking…

Posted on

Planting Peace

God, I’ve started writing twice a day, morning at the page, evening here. I just realized, I am writing at night in part to avoid the nightly news, which is never, ever, positive; is always filled with some new act of violence. There is never an evening without a violent crime. So in desperation, I go over to my shelf of notebooks, year upon year of dialog with You, and choose one at random, asking You to guide my hand please, and this is what I found. It is so spot-on to what I am feeling now, even though it is five plus years old. So here it is:

God, I feel sort of numb. Like, if I experience my feelings, I will either sink or explode. I am shutting down, closing off pieces of myself, and how do I not do that? I really really need to hear from You.

You can’t light a fuse in one place and then be surprised when the bomb goes off, somewhere else.

But Lord, couldn’t You make it rain? Put that fuse out?

Your culture is lighting fuses everywhere, connected to bigger and bigger explosives. The horrible wonder isn’t that violence is happening–the horrible wonder is that it hasn’t happened in many more places.  Your whole nation is on fire. You meet anger with greater anger; you live on retaliation; you fight fire with fire.

Lord, there are all those verses about last days. How everything gets worse–violence, wars, famine, earthquakes, violence in the weather–and the end is not yet, You said, which I always have taken to mean, but wait, it gets worse. So how can I, how can any of us actually believe in goodness and peace here? In Your Kingdom coming, here? In working for peace, here? Aren’t we just kidding ourselves? What’s the use? Meaning, our love and sincerity don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, because everything is actually going to get worse, like a spreading poison taking over a clean lake and…

This isn’t a lake. This is a River.

Ok, whatever, like a spreading poison taking over a river, and–

STOP. Ssshhh. Just stop. The tears you won’t let yourself cry are blinding you. “Of the increase of His government and of Peace there will be no end.” That is the River.

But Lord, there are people, deluded, sick, whatever, and they are dumping poison into Your River.

The biggest poison of all, the most potent, is the poison that says I don’t care, I Am not involved, I have given up on your world. Do you have any idea how much I, the Lord, grieve: My tears will not stop until “there is no more crying or sorrow or pain or death.” Not until “the old order of things has passed away.”

Lord, what message can I bring?  I am seeing me kneeling, planting seeds in a garden, believing for flowers, believing for harvest. Every farmer lives on that faith, huh?

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. Begin to speak your truth. Not your opinion–opinions can be argued with–but your truth.

Lord, what? What is my truth?

That you love Me, and you trust Me. That you grapple, as others do, with hard questions, but fro a framework that assumes that I Am, that I Am Good, that I love you, and I love your world.

Gosh, Lord, the field goes on and on and on, as far as I can see.

This is your life’s work, sowing seeds of goodness and kindness and peace.

Lord, you know how I think nobody cares what I think.

I care what you think. I care especially what you think. If you–and others like you–lose faith, faith in Me, faith in My heart, faith in My goodness, faith in a glorious future, then the world really will go dark, You–all of you who believe–are the light of the world, now. You are a city set on a hill, now. Build My Kingdom, plant My Kingdom. Speak your peace, now. Add to the storehouse of goodness. Make a beautiful difference. The world needs you, and others like you.

Posted on

Re-petition

God, yesterday we talked about how my mind works, my pattern of thinking. Tonight I want to talk a minute about prayer, about praying. You told a friend of mine to pray every day about a particular situation. I’ve been trying to do that too. But recently You also said I don’t have to ask You over and over for the same thing, which goes along with what You said yesterday about going over the same ground mentally.

Again you are thinking of prayer as only petition, rather than the conversation between us this has become. Let’s word this differently. Suppose I told your friend to talk to Me about this situation every day–not to keep asking for the same thing over and over, but to have dialog with Me about it. I can tell you it is a big enough issue she can easily find within herself something else to ask Me about, something else to uncover in her own thoughts and feelings, not to mention everyone else involved, as the process unfolds.

So let’s apply this same idea to you, and to your business, your working life, your finances, to the many decisions you have to make day-to-day. Tied into that is the whole issue of creativity for you, what, when, where, how, and that all changes in real time. Then we have your need for rest, and for play outside of work. Perhaps most important of al lis your need for time together with Pete that is not work-dominated. You could talk to Me about all of that, about everything involved with that, every day, and not be repeating some rote petition over and over. So why don’t we do that now? Why don’t you list out your fears and your joys? Even if I have addressed them before, if your fears are still present in you as fear, then we have more to talk about. This is not the same thing as going over the same mental territory but making no progress. The goal here is progress. Progress and freedom, freedom from your fear, which is always a very good thing. That is why I ask you to list your joys, too. It is always good to balance your focus, especially if you are trying to heal something wounded, or broken, within you.

Posted on

Exit Here

I had a good day, really, but now I am tired. So what do I do? I drink a cup of coffee. Because I need to be awake, alert and at least somewhat productive, and I’ve got four hours or so ’til bedtime. I’ll relax, kinda-sorta, watching tv for part of that time. But my brain, God, it never stops. It never really rests. So more than my body, can we talk about my mind? I told a customer once about how my brain works, how busy it is all the time, almost like a pinball machine, making connections, synthesizing this with that, and in all seriousness he asked me, so do you take medication for that? I was almost offended! NO! I said, in probably a louder voice than maybe I should have. It’s my brain, I said! Sometimes I like how it works. But sometimes I do wish it would sit! stay! Like a puppy, like training a puppy. I guess that is what mediation is partly for, training your brain to sit, stay. Right?

I made the human brain to think. There is a difference between thinking and over-thinking, between planning and worrying or fretting. Here is a question you can ask yourself–how many times have I covered this same ground, mentally? If you were walking or driving instead of thinking, would you be saying, wait a minute, I passed this same exit half an hour ago! I am back here again, I have made no forward progress! Sometimes that is a very good thing, as it signals you have more work to do to resolve something inside. But if you find yourself passing the same exit over and over and over, then it is a signal there is a deeper issue involved.

Lord, years ago my pastor said, if you find yourself over-reacting to a seemingly small or relatively harmless situation, it is a sign that it is a trigger, relating back to something deeper.

Yes, that was wisdom from him. The same can be true of your worrying. Or your over-planning. Or your second-guessing decisions. Try to get at the source of the repetitive thoughts. Are you accusing yourself, telling yourself information that isn’t correct?

Like what?

How about, you are lazy. Nothing, nothing could be further than the truth. Or what about, you are not doing enough. Again, untrue. You repeat other phrases too. Why don’t you jot some of them down here.

Here? Now?

It might help you. Get them out of your head and down on the page.

Well, I know I say I’m tired when I am actually other things beyond tired. Like upset, or scattered, or…frightened. When I feel pressure closing in and I don’t know what to do, what decision to make. So I say I am tired when I mean more than that sometimes. 

Go on.

Well…gosh, this is harder than I thought. I say, no one cares what I think. I say that a lot. I guess I have said that, a lot, for a very long time.

And now that it is in black and white, staring back at you, what is your reaction?

It’s not true. It is very far from true. Lots of folks love me, and lots of folks actually do care what I think. Some care because they care about me, my thoughts matter to them. Others care because they look to me for my opinion on things. Gosh, it really is the opposite of what I say inside.

So here is what I want to say about that. You just wrote, “what I say inside.” How do you know, why do you believe, I Am speaking with you now?

It is a little hard to explain but I feel as if I know Your voice now. I know the calm and the peace I feel when You start talking. I can come agitated, and You always, always calm me. It’d be like asking me how I know it is Pete on the phone–of course I know. I know his voice from all other voices.

Yes, this is true. So how do you know this is you, in your head, accusing you?

Oooh, that is almost scary, like someone else, not me, not You, is thinking in my head? Is that what you are trying to say? I don’t like that thought at all!

I Am not saying this in the way you are imagining. But you have, most humans have, a stronger memory than you think, especially of your formative years. You internalize many messages spoken aloud, or even with non-verbal clues. Much of your opinion of yourself comes from those early years. We have been talking much lately about play, about perfectionism, about rest. All of these trace back to your early school years with their roots. What I Am saying is, these repetitive thoughts you have, especially those that accuse your character, your stamina, your diligence, your love, your commitment, even your ability to make and keep a commitment, all of these stem from ways you were treated or words that were spoken in your earlier years. If the words came from authority, they had more impact yet. Young children tend to trust the messages they are given. The young of all species are hard-wired to learn. One important difference between animals or birds and humans is that animals and birds give their young consistent messages designed to maximize their ability to survive and thrive. Oh, would that were so with humanity! What a different world you would inhabit! Much of My trying to teach you My voice is to help you discern the difference between My voice and My words and all other voices that have ever spoken to you, including your own. Now here is a promise. Just as you learned to copy and imitate other voices and behaviors when you were very young, including words and thoughts detrimental to you now, so you have the ability to learn and imitate My Voice, My Words, and My Thoughts. Not only can you learn new facts and new skills and new information, you can learn a new way of being with yourself in this world. THAT is what will, once for all, destroy within you the power of fear, worry, anxiety, stress, drivenness, striving to be perfect, trying in fact to be anything that you are not–and all the outworkings of all of that in your life, your health, your finances, every realm you can think of. You can look to Me for an honest, realistic assessment of who you are, and who you can still yet become. You can turn down the volume on any voice that speaks out of your past, while you seek My wisdom about its truthfulness.

So the next time you catch yourself passing the same mental exit ramp, thinking no one cares what I think, or I have to try harder, why don’t you deliberately exit? Don’t go around the loop again. Get off that road. Remember what I Am telling you now. Take the exit marked, My True Self. Let’s continue to explore that road together. It is more beautiful and more wonderful than you have been led to believe.

Posted on

Just be you

Okay, God, I have a question. Say you feel you have been wronged, maybe not in a huge way, but still…what are we, what am I, supposed to do? Here is what I usually do–I get upset at first, and then I try to just let it go. I rarely confront, I rarely challenge the behavior, I rarely stand up, or at least, not for myself. I have  a friend who says, you teach people how to treat you. So I am always also thinking of how I want to be treated. So the Golden Rule rules, right? And that means walking away, right?

Let Me ask you a question in turn. If you offended a friend, wouldn’t you want that friend to tell you? Or if you made a genuine mistake, wouldn’t you want to know?

Well, yes. But I am not talking about a friend. The thing I am talking about now is literally a person I don’t know personally. I feel taken advantage of in one sense, and then in another, maybe what happened is okay. Maybe it will work out okay.

But you will never know that without bringing it up, without bringing the situation to light. And yet you think I would want you to keep silent. Keeping the peace and holding the peace doesn’t always mean silence. Sometimes it means having courage to speak, to say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes. Sometimes it takes asking a hard question and being willing to wait for the answer, and then having the courage and discernment to ascertain whether the answer is truthful, or a deliberate lie, or a misunderstanding, or a mixing of all of that.

I think I was schooled for silence.

Many have been. But silence is not necessarily a virtue. Remember, My Word says, there is a time to keep silence AND a time to speak. I think this is a time to speak, for you. HOW you speak is the issue. Do you speak respectfully? Do you judge in advance or do you go into the conversation willing to both speak and listen? The answers to these questions will tell you, first, what is in your heart, and second, where you need to ask for My help.

So, Lord, here is the situation–as if You didn’t already know! Someone used one of my photos in a publication. My name is there–tiny. And they might have gotten that photo from someone else I DID give images to, with permission to publish, but it is not at all clear to me that is what happened, or how it happened. And in any case, I did not give explicit permission to these folks to publish it. On the other hand–I always can see another side–the credit is good, and I wouldn’t mind the chance to legitimately work with these folks and supply photographs. But not without permission, and not without some arrangement in writing. Is that wrong to ask for? I feel torn. If I make a stink, then I might never have a chance to work with or for these folks. If I keep quiet like nothing happened…well that doesn’t seem right, or fair to me, either. And that certainly wouldn’t give me opportunities!

Of course it is not wrong! For one thing, this is your livelihood. For another, I have told you that now is your time to shine, not to hide. Keeping silent in this case would be hiding. Make the call. Be yourself–not your apologetic, this-must-somehow-be-my-fault self. Your authentic self. Try it now. Take a breath. What would you say?

I think I would ask to speak to someone in charge, say who I am, and say I have questions about how my photograph was used, where they received it from, just needing to understand the sequence of events. And depending on how I am answered, then I would like to open a door for them to see more of my portfolio. But not for free, for the same renumeration others receive.

So what is wrong, or confrontational about that? Remember the Third Way. Neither the aggressor, nor the victim. If you go in peace, with peace in your heart, you can open many doors. The issue for you isn’t whether to be a peacemaker; that is who you are. The issue is are you willing to speak up at all?

Yes, Lord, I think I am. I think I need to be. Thank You.

Remember, I Am with you in everything, great and small, hard and easy. You can do this, on your terms. Just be you.