Category: Healing

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Mirroring

God, I feel as if I can talk to You about anything. And increasingly, at any time. So I want to talk to You about my fingers. About this decades-old habit, started when I was, what? You know. Three? Four? Five? This lifelong habit I have of picking my fingers, which drives Pete crazy, and which, for all these years, I have assumed You judged me for. I certainly have judged myself. And in that judgment, I named the habit sin, which I really think, thought, it is. Until I was falling asleep–or between sleep and waking–and You said, I think it was You, something extraordinary. And I want and need to talk to You about it.

You said You didn’t see this habit as sin. Is that true? Was that You, that sudden thought in my head, so contrary to the way I have thought?

Yes, that was Me. What I need you to understand is that all the times you felt prompted by Me to stop, those leadings were not to lead you out of something I was judging you guilty for. I have asked you to stop because of what the habit is doing to you. I see, deeper than you yourself see, the sense of shame and guilt and even despair you carry, over this seemingly simple little habit. You began as a way to handle stress and tension in your house when you were a very young child. You have used it ever since, when you were tired, or stressed, or afraid, or under any kind of accusation. To keep yourself silent, you took to tearing at yourself.

Let Me ask you a question. In fact, let Me ask you several questions.

Would you reach over, take Pete’s hands in yours, and begin systematically to tear at his fingers?

No, of course not!

Would you do this to a close friend?

No.

To an acquaintance, perhaps?

No.

How about a stranger? Would you feel free, would you be motivated, to do that  to a stranger’s hands?

No, Lord. You know not.

Well, how about someone who hurt you? Would you reach out and hurt them back in this way?

NO.

Okay, well, what about an animal, then? Would you do something comparable to an animal?

No, never.

So. Last question. Would you, if you could be with Me in a physical way, would you do this to Me?

No, Lord, of course not!

Look at what you are saying. You are making yourself less than anyone else you would ever know, or meet. Less than the animals, whom you purport to love.

I do love them, You know I do.

Here is what I know: you do not yet fully love yourself. You have not yet fully received the depth, the breadth, the length and the height of My love for you. I have asked you to stop, and told you that stopping will open doors to greater service and ministry, not because this habit is sinful in My eyes, but because it reveals you are not yet fully healed, fully whole. You don’t see yourself as I see you, and you see yourself much less clearly than you see every other living thing on the planet.

Lord, something set me off this past spring. Sometimes I know my triggers but this time I am not sure what did it. I was fine, I was okay all during Pete not feeling well last fall, and holidays with family which are always stressful, and then the decision to move Yellowhouse, everything involved with that, and then suddenly something upset me to the point I started again.

And the shame of starting has fueled you to continue. That is what I want to address, and relieve–your deep sense of shame. Every one of My Children is worthy of love, of My Love. Every one of My Children begins as a precious and innocent being. And as you well know, I will move heaven and earth to show each one the truth of that Love. So what do I have to do, what can I say, to bring you to a place where the mirror you look deeply into is My Eyes of Love for you?

That sounds like a Vision Quest question.

Indeed it is. You have an old, flawed, distorted mirror. I would like to lead you away from that mirror to a place where you can see a clear, honest, pure reflection. You have been afraid to come to that place, seeing it as a place of shame and accusation, which is what you are running from, and what your tearing at your fingers is an expression of. But I Am calling you, asking you, pleading with you, please stop running. Stop running from your own precious self. Stop running from the you I see, the you I love, the you I chose before you were even born. Be willing to live in the light I Am offering you now, and I promise you, the compulsion you have felt for the past five-and-a-half decades will lose its grip and its power on your mind and your heart.

I Am asking you because your pain grieves Me, and I would relieve it. But we must be partners for that to happen. Because this originated in your feelings about yourself, you have to have a part in its resolution. This isn’t a work I can do by Myself; I need you as My Partner in your wholeness.

Okay, Lord. I really do want to be free of it. 

Yes, I know you do. But hear Me well — you need to be free of your distorted view of yourself, in order to be free of the habit you so despise. You think the habit is causing the distorted self-image, but I tell you, the reverse is true. The distorted self-image is manifesting in your habit, not the other way around. So Come. Come to My Pool of Reflection; stand here beside Me, look into My Love and see what I see. You–and your life–will never be the same.

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Timeless

So, Lord, I have been reading “the archives” again–old journals, at Your direction, this time dating from 2009. I was wondering what to read, I heard You say 2009, I went to my shelf of notebooks and chose one at random, and yup, July 2009 was page one. And in thinking about all You said then, and all You are saying now, and how fresh those 9 year old words seem, I remembered You are Timeless. Somehow that word impacted me this morning in relation to Your words. What You said, what You say. Timeless. So sometimes You give me direction that is or seems very specific for a task at hand. But sometimes, like these entries I am reading back through now, the words do seem timeless, as if You spoke them now. They seem applicable in today’s circumstances just as much as they did back when I wrote them down. Sometimes, in fact, they seem even more appropriate now! And I have been remembering an old, old lyric:

Oh, Lord, You’re Timeless,

And when You touch my heart

Words like end and start

change meaning

Oh, Lord, You’re Timeless,

And I need to let go

of what I think I know

to meet You…

What do you think you know, that you need to let go of?

Hoo boy! Uh, I don’t know how to answer that. I think I know You are Good. But that is not something to let go of. Oh! I just thought of something. I think You are disappointed in me, in my effort or performance, in my choices. In how I spend my time, in what I do or don’t get done…

Like an earthly boss, you mean?

Ooof. Ok, so at that I stop typing, stop listening, fidget with my fidget ring. 

Is that the kind of boss you are?

No! I mean, no I sure hope not.

Why is that?

I hope I am compassionate. I hope I am understanding. I hope I understand that mistakes are just that, mistakes, and don’t warrant punishment. I hope I can set a good example in effort and attitude. 

And you think I Am less than that?

No, of course not.

But isn’t that what you are really saying, when you assume I Am disappointed in you? When you think I Am going to judge you for simple, honest mistakes? When you work hard but can’t seem to finish what you start before it is time to start something else?

Now I abandon the ring and start spontaneously picking at my fingers, and then stop, take a breath, and type instead. Hanging my head. Good thing I can type without looking at the keyboard or the screen.

Look up. Look here. Look into My Eyes. Hold out your hands. You are looking down. I said, look Up. I want you to remember your kitty, Gandalf, what you used to say to him. I want you to hear Me say that to you, right now. I love you. I love your ears. I love your eyes. I love your nose. I love your voice. I love your hands and your feet. I love everything about you… What would Gandalf do, when you told him that?

He would purr. Every time! Purr like a kitten! I would kiss each thing, his ears, his nose, his paws, and he would purr and purr and purr. It was as if he knew exactly what I was saying!

He certainly knew what your heart was saying. Hear My Heart. Hear what My Heart is always saying. I Am usually telling you what and who I Am. Hear now what I Am Not. I Am Not Disappointed. I Am Not Ashamed of you. I Am Not Disgusted. All the things you say of yourself to yourself, and then imagine I might be saying those things too, all those things are a lie. My Timeless Word to you is YES. Yes, I Am Delighted in you. Yes, I Am your Source of Strength and Peace. Yes, I Love you. And yes, I Am your Healer, in all ways. Sometimes you need physical healing. Sometimes you need emotional healing, and sometimes your thoughts need healing, and sometimes your spirit needs healing. Sometimes that healing comes as discernment, like a dietary modification. Sometimes it comes through a physician’s skillful diagnosis. And sometimes it comes through the wisdom of others. If I were standing before you now, and you could see Me with your physical eyes, and hear Me with your physical ears and touch Me with your two hands, what would you offer Me for healing?

Gosh, a number of things race through my mind, and they are not all me. I mean, not all my needs. But You are asking me to ask for myself, aren’t You?

Yes, I Am. This time, I Am. This isn’t about intercession. This is about intention. What would you intend I do…for you?

I think of three things. Like three wishes, ha! One is physical, one is mental, one is emotional. I don’t know which one to pick.

Why don’t you tell Me all three of them?

Ok. Well, physically, I would ask that whatever is causing my legs to cramp at night be healed. I go to bed every night in the fear that they might seize up, and I am doing everything I can think of to prevent that. It did not used to happen, ever. Now I am in constant awareness of how my legs feel day and night, and am always wary when it comes to bedtime. Maybe that is one reason I am staying up later and later. I dread trying to lie down. Then mentally, I seem less organized than ever, and I am trying to juggle a lot of information and need-to-do’s, and inevitably I am coming up short. So I need a better system, obviously. Then emotionally, and this might be related to the other two, I still struggle with anxiety. I seem pretty high-strung in my own thoughts or emotions. On edge, a lot of the time, still. And I feel like I am calm in phases, or stages, but I would like to live in that calm center even more than I do now, which is sporadically. I know better, and I want to choose better. And that relates directly to my fingers, frankly.

So you would come to Me with those three needs?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Then why don’t you? Why are you reluctant to really ask My Help in those areas? You start to ask, then draw back. Or you ask one day and then the next day, you talk yourself out of believing I would help you. Why do you do that? You do that because you forget My Timeless Yes to you. You think Yes was for Yes-terday, Yes-teryear. Yes is for Always. Yes is for Today. And Yes is for Tomorrow, even the tomorrows you dread. If you let Me hold your hand, your precious hands, really feel the reality of I Am Here With You, I promise you, you would never pick your fingers again, never tear at yourself again, never tear yourself down again. Let Me build you up, not in arrogance, but in confidence. Hear Me say, again and again, I love everything about you…

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Oh Very Young

Tonight I drew in my gratitude journal instead of writing out my list; I had so many gratitudes, and suddenly I didn’t want to rank-order or even number them. So I drew them as balloons. Fun. Somehow that little exercise just enhanced the feelings I was having, not only of gratitude, but of joy and of hope, too. So here is a question. It’s a life question, but also (for me) a business kind of question too. I view art, artistry, creative expression as essential. And when I say essential, Lord, I mean absolutely necessary for a full life. Just as our bodies have to have air, and have to have water, and have to have nourishment, and in that order, I think our souls have to have artistry. And not just our own expressions, but appreciation of others’ artistry too. Is that why drawing out the balloons made me feel more deeply?

You were more aware of your feelings, drawing them, because writing comes more naturally to you. As a writer and as a speaker/storyteller, you turn to words first and often. Drawing is not your natural first means of expression, so you were actually paying more attention drawing than you might have paid, writing.

But it wasn’t artsy, Lord — more cartoonish than anything. Like a very young child might do.

Exactly! “Like a very young child might do.” That is the whole point for you now, to connect with Eve-as-very-young-child. You are unlearning much from those years, and we will be replacing your unlearning with new learning, and new freedoms of expression you may not have enjoyed when very young. When did you quit drawing?

Gosh, I started to quit in early grade school. My pictures weren’t good enough. They were graded poorly–I mean, I got poor grades on them. I either didn’t fill up the paper or the proportions were all wrong. I learned early that I couldn’t draw, that I couldn’t be an artist. Then when I was just a little older, but still elementary school, I tried to paint the birds in my favorite bird book, and my mom’s art teacher found a lot to criticize in them. And she was partly correct; I mean, looking back at them later, I saw right away the flaws she had pointed out to my mother. But I never heard how to fix those flaws and pretty soon I just gave up. It was about that time that words took over, I think. I began to write more and eventually I never drew again, not really. 

Until…

Until I tried, at various times in adulthood, sometimes on my own, sometimes under the guidance of real artists! What I finally realized is that if I wanted to truly hone my skills at drawing, I could. I did have some innate ability, but what I lacked at that point was time. Rather than spending time learning how to draw, and then beyond that, perhaps to learn how to paint, I chose to spend that time, or that percentage of time let’s say, outside, camera in hand. I don’t regret that choice. I love the outdoors and photography gives me the means to get out there. 

But despite the evidence from your adulthood that you can, in fact, learn to draw and that you do, in fact, have some ability in that area, you still see yourself and name yourself as someone who can’t draw. The picture we form of ourselves as young children often persists despite evidence, sometimes overwhelming evidence, to the contrary.

Lord, why are You so interested in these vignettes from my childhood? Why do we keep going back there?

Because your stress, anxiety and fear responses all have roots there. You think you are reacting to stimuli in your present, but I tell you, you are responding to old, old triggers. If you can let Me gently remove the layers hiding those old triggers, they will, one by one, lose their power in your life.

Gosh, God, that would be wonderful. Even though the thought is just a little scary.

Don’t be afraid. That is why I said “gently.” We will never move at a pace beyond what you can absorb and find healing. The idea here is restoration and renewal, and in some cases, transformation, not more stress or anxiety. We will only move as fast as healing allows. So be patient with the process and patient with yourself. And let yourself have fun with this, as you did tonight, drawing out your gratitudes. Pay attention to every prompt or impulse, no matter how small it may seem–or how silly. This is actually going to be a wonderful and wondrous journey for you. And the end result will free your Storyteller, too. Ah, that made you smile!

Good grief, yes. I would love that. So my Storyteller is constricted by…

How can you write for children when you won’t let yourself play? Think about that a while. I have so much still I long to show you. Wonder will be the Door.

Thank You, Lord. Again.

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More on play

So I had all good intentions of playing today. I did. I even planned it out, what, when…but I couldn’t. This came up, that came up, the other came up, all important and all time-sensitive. There was no way to do what I planned. Eventually when I got back to the house I did “play” — I played my guitar, which I haven’t done lately, just for a few minutes. Does that count?

Dogs who have been rescued often have to be taught how to play. You have learned trust, and you have excelled at obedience. You have become very affectionate. You overflow with gratitude, and you are a vigilant watchdog, looking out for those around you, keeping an alert eye on your family, on your friends, on your business. Now we need to work on this aspect of performance versus playtime. You would gladly chase after a ball and bring it right back if you thought it served some purpose. You aim to please. I Am trying to help you see that pleasing yourself is not the opposite of pleasing Me or pleasing those you love. Doing something for the pure joy of it, the fun of it, is what we are after here.

Gosh, God, who knew play would be so hard?

I know. That is why I gave you the assignment. You are diligent with assignments. Remember Julia Cameron’s assigned play?

Yes, well, those tended to be the exercises I did not complete!

So now it is time. Play-time.

You are going to have to show me how, God. Or maybe I should say, what and when. I had a how today–but the what and the when never worked out.

What about tonight?

My chores aren’t done. OH! OH! My Chores Aren’t Done! Isn’t that when kids get to play, when their chores are done? Right? My chores aren’t done. Seriously, not done. And I can work up till midnight and they still won’t be done. And by tomorrow there will be more of them…not done. Not all done. They are never all done.

So you never can play?

Well…this runs counter to everything I…allow. The word I want is allow.

You weren’t forbidden to play as a child.

No, no I wasn’t. So WHERE and WHEN did all that start? Yes, performance in school is a big part of all this. But as a little kid I played. I even had an imagination. I climbed trees. I pretended all sorts of things.

By yourself.

Well, yeah, sure. Always by myself. I played race with our goat. I remember that. Back and forth, up and down the fence line. It was fun. 

Name something fun in high school.

Fun? Reading, I guess. I loved to read. I began playing guitar in high school. I met You!

But meeting Me then, what you were taught then, was it FUN?

No, I wouldn’t say that. It was serious. Life got serious. Is that the root, Lord?

(Almost a whisper) Little One, look back. What were you told?

Eventually I learned that anything frivolous, anything, oh goodness, anything fun, was wrong. I mean, reading the Bible was okay, and Christian doctrine, okay, but anything else, not okay. So no more reading for pleasure. No more music on the radio. No tv. I guess the guilt of even wanting to do something other than study or work took over. Anything else, beauty for its own sake, all of that, anything for pleasure, I was told to avoid. 

Or else.

Yes, or else.

And what do you think now?

I think it was a lie. I think whatever the motive may have been, I wasn’t told the truth, about You, about Your world, about the joy You intend for all of us. I remember thinking at some point that Puritanical and tyrannical rhymed for a reason!

You see, you have recovered much from those years. But sometimes, a situation occurs, as now, and unearths more that needs to be healed. Just as with a rescue dog, sometimes the memory comes back, and the behavior reverts. That is where you are now.

You said that to me once before–sometimes the memory comes back. And then You said You wanted to heal those earlier times.

I still do. So don’t put more pressure on yourself about “play.” I have come to talk to you about play so you can be even more free, not more bound. Just let Me lead you and we will walk into greater freedom together.

And maybe skip? I used to skip!

Maybe I should call you Skippy–for the fun of it!

Lord, Your Love, it blows me away. You are so diligent, to bring out the best of us, all of us. 

That is what a good parent does. So when I say to you, run along and play now, give it a little consideration, okay?

Okay.

 

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Flow

Lord, my friend from halfway around the world, she wrote, said she was praying for me, talked specifics which she could not know on her own, only from You. Why did You do that?

I want you to know, by experience, that there is no distance when it comes to My Spirit. No distance, no separation of time, no boundary.

Lord, she felt led to pray for health, for me. God, this is really hard to say. I was just reading back in an older journal, four years ago in fact, when we were moving into our new location, and I got word of the award for Meditation, and You said a keyword for me then was Receive. So this is my perennial struggle. How can I ask, how can I receive, when it seems as if others don’t?

Don’t?

Don’t receive. What gives me the…what? Blessing? What gives me the right to a blessing that others need, too? How can I say yes to receiving?

By your logic, the world would be reduced, not enlarged. Everyone would have to grow smaller and diminish. The world would shrink, and shrivel, instead of thriving and expanding.

But…but it is hard to talk about Your blessing, of any kind, of saying, I believe I have received x-y-z, it is hard to express outward gratitude, not because I am not grateful, but I am painfully aware, and I mean painfully, of folks whose circumstances are more difficult than mine. So I tend to want to hold back.

I have told you before, the best evidence is a good and consistent example of the life I mean for humans to enjoy. If you decide to model sickness, stress, hunger, poverty, as a result of joining your life with Mine, what does that say about Who I Am? It says one of these things: I have no power, I have no interest, or I have no compassion. It says, I am sorry but I cannot help you; or, I have power but I really don’t care what happens to you; or, I have power, and I care what happens to you, but you are not worthy of My blessing, because I Am the Great Withholder, instead of the Great Giver.

Okay, so what is the great obstacle then to receiving? Why don’t more receive?

Look at yourself. You think up all sorts of reasons why you “cannot” receive. Some have to do with you, some have to do with others and what they think, some you believe–erroneously–have to do with Me. I want you to picture once more My Will as a compass. I want you to picture My Will pointing toward a direction, and on the path of that direction is everything a human being needs to thrive during a lifetime here. Think about that for a minute. Everything a human being needs to thrive. That means nurture from the moment birth-parents realize they will have a child. That means nurture from birth into childhood, through school years and beyond. That means health and a sustainable life out of poverty. That means safety–in the home, on the street, in the larger world. That was My Original Plan. So that is My Will. When Jesus came, did He ever, even once, refuse to heal on the grounds that it was My Will that the person be ill? Did He ever say, I am sorry, but this sickness is from God, and you must just bear it? Did He declare, this will make you stronger and increase your character? Or did He say, over and over, in word and gesture, I Am Willing, be healed. Rise up. Stretch forth your hand. Take up your bed and walk. Be cleansed. Be whole. Be strengthened. Be well. Blind eyes, see. Lame limbs, leap. Mute tongues, speak and praise God. What did He do? What did He say? And Whom did He say He represented on your earth?

Now, picture that compass, pointing a direction. And picture magnets, powerful magnets, called public opinion, ignorance, bigotry, prejudice pulling humanity off course. Picture magnets of leadership gone awry, wanting control more than wanting to serve–both in and out of what calls itself My Church, a community that was originally intended to replicate Jesus’ message and modus operandi. And what was the message? Fear not, God is with you. And what was the m.o.? Be healed, be fed, be free, be whole. Be who you were created to be.

In the middle, the center, of that path is everything I ever intended for humanity. Folks talk about being in the Center of My Will as a sort of criteria for receiving and what they usually mean is, I will withhold My Blessing unless their lives line up just so in perfect order. But what is true is more literal than that: the blessing flows in the center, so come to the center and you are automatically in the flow. That is why practices like intention and affirmation and gratitude are so powerful; they place the practitioner in the center of the Flow. The Flow of My Will for humanity. Unfortunately, many good and wonderful people have been pulled away by fear, or by believing what others in leadership tell them, even if it is far from My Truth.

So Your Will is healing?

Yes.

For…everyone?

Yes.

Ok, here is a dumb question, then.

There are no dumb questions.

Ha, my friend Judy says that.

She is correct.

Ok, well…how do we die then, if Your Will is health?

Just like the butterfly emerges from the cocoon, just like the chicken pecks its way out of the egg. Transformation. Resurrection is all about transformation. In My Original Plan, there was no death, remember? There was life unto Life, glory unto Glory. “The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn; it shines brighter and brighter until the full day.” And remember, in My Sight, all are created righteous; and in the final hour, all are declared righteous. So My Will always was, glory to Glory. Light to Light. Humanity to Eternity. Step across the bridge, easily and rejoicing. That was the Plan.

Gosh, God, we are so far away from that. In all ways.

Not so far as you think. For you, the final moments will be that easy. That gentle. I have promised you that before.

I want that for everyone.

Keep praying. Keep asking. And keep modeling the life I intend. For right now, that means being willing to receive. Receive so you can give. One of your gifts is Hope, remember? Be willing to have a testimony. Not to draw attention to yourself, but to Me and Who I long to be in every human life, in every human heart. Believe, and keep believing. Receive, and keep receiving. Be a big ripple in the pond! Help others believe and receive. You cannot do that by standing on the bank of the River, longing. Only by living in the Flow.

OH! I see it. Sort of.

Yes, you do.