Category: Feelings

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First Thoughts

Lord, Julia Cameron counsels coming to the page first thing, with first thoughts. Unfiltered, uncensored and not yet influenced by day’s events, first thoughts reveal so much that might otherwise go unsaid. I know their importance, yet I don’t always get here first thing. Sometimes this seems like the last thing! Sometimes it’s intermittent, these conversations, all during the day. 

And what do you find, in those intermittent moments?

That You are always, always here. Always present. I was going to say always waiting, but that is not exactly it–is it?

How many times have you had the experience of reconnecting with an old friend or getting in touch with a close friend you’ve not been able to see for a while, and you pick up right where you left off, as if no time had passed?

That happens a lot, actually.

You see, since I Am Timeless, there is really no “waiting” in your sense of the word. I Am always present to you and with you. All you lack is awareness. I Am Now, all the time and for all time and beyond time. So you are not keeping Me waiting. You are, however, sometimes keeping your own heart waiting. Why do you do that?

I don’t know, God! Why do I do that? It’s not that I don’t think time spent with You is important. And I am not taking Your Presence for granted, I hope–or am I?

Taking for granted can mean two different things. One devalues a relationship while the other realizes how precious a gift that relationship is. Which do you think you do?

Honestly, I do think I consider our relationship a precious gift, something You have granted, and also something I can always count on. When I stop to think, I know in my heart and mind You are always there. I mean, always here. 

And how does that assurance make you feel?

Safe. I type that and I pause. So my life has had its share of scary moments, God, truthfully. And I think of the old joke, no one gets out alive. But walking with You, that makes all the difference. It does. Maybe being an only child has made me more sensitive or more aware of how precious our connection is, especially with my folks gone. I know no matter what, You are with me. Your presence has gotten me through lots of challenges, and I guess I just count on the fact of it now, that You will continue to be right here.

As I said, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Not even when hard things happen?

Especially not then. Not ever. But especially not then.

You know, when I think of first thoughts in that context, I don’t even think “thoughts.” I think more “feelings” and the feeling is the same as a great big hug. All the feelings that I associate with giving or receiving a hug with someone I love–presence, comfort, gladness, laughter, relief–that is what I think of when I think of being with You. So I guess the overarching thought, first and last, is Love. Love and Gratitude. Thank You, God.

You know Pete loves you, and you know you love him, as a reality that is as much a part of your being as your breath is. Love Me the same way. Count on My Love in the same way. You don’t always have to talk, and you don’t always have to hear Me in words. But you can always have the experience you just described, of awareness of My Presence with you deep in your heart, not just at any given moment, but at all moments. Then there really is no need for First Thoughts, per se, for all your thoughts will be colored and shaped by your being always with Me. That is how transformation occurs, first moment by moment and then in flashes of insight that illuminate all moments thereafter.

Wow, God, I can sort of see this possibility, of complete and continuing awareness. That WOULD be transformative. I am sitting very still, watching the wind outside my window lift and dip the tree branches. I see through a glass…like the scripture quote that gave this blog its title. If I were to step beyond the glass, I would feel the wind. Right now looking out the window I “know” the wind is blowing but I cannot feel it or experience it myself. I know it as fact, but…but…I am struggling to understand and express in words. But I am not living in the wind. I am insulated from its effects. I don’t want to be insulated from Your Love and Your Presence. I don’t want to just know it. I do want to live it. Live in it. Live aware. Live Alive. Again, God, thank You. 

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Innocence

NOTE: Written intended for the evening of June 4th.

So this is wild. I can open the internet, get on google, whatever. Anywhere, basically, but my wordpress blog site! Frustrating and attention-getting all at once. 

I was going to write, I cherish the Quiet and it is not quiet right now. But all is well. Moving machinery today went well, thank You for that and for all the help we have had. Between OBX Movers and Pete’s daughters MaryAnn and Faith, and his son Pete coming for benches and tool boxes, all the large, heavy stuff is home now. What is left we can handle ourselves. What a relief! I worked on a new lyric today, inspired by Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. I like the way the lyric is coming along but the melody needs more work. 

So, back to the internet. I try again. Nope, it’s stuck. So unless it resolves in the next hour or so, I can’t upload a blog. Hmm. 

I spent about half an hour early this morning before I got up, trying to picture the scene You described, the mirroring river. What I saw was more like a whole country, bucolic, pastoral, beautiful, and everyone there was living in pure love, innocent, trusting. It was like a glimpse of the earth if Eden had persisted. It was amazing, actually, like watching some fantasy movie of some other planet, some other earth. I kept thinking, this is what You intended. This is what You created us, all of us, the whole planet of us, the whole universe for. That sense of innocence and freedom. Everyone was smiling. 

I didn’t see a figure that looked like You, I mean like the movies or visual artists have portrayed You, but it was more as if You were everywhere present, Your Spirit making the water sparkle and glinting off the trees in the sunlight. There was something palpable in the very feel of the place. I wanted to go there for real, and for always. I wanted to live there somehow. I am honestly not sure if I was being given a glimpse of what might have been, of what is on some other physical planet in the present, or of our future mode of existence in a heavenly state. Writing that, I have the sense of yes, yes, and yes. As if all three of those possible scenarios were happening at once. Hmmm.

You see, already your writer is engaged in a different way. You saw in your mind’s eye, as you like to say, and what you saw you are trying to describe, to put into words. The healing we have spoken of, the restoration, is already beginning. Remember not to try too hard and just flow with the feelings you have.

Well, the feelings I had, have, are pretty wonderful, I can tell You that!

Good. That was the idea. Remember that I told you, this doesn’t have to be hard.

So, what did I see? Was it real?

Try not to worry too much at this stage about real versus imagination. I Am trying to spark and inspire your imagination. You had a real vision from Me, yes. What you do with that vision is yours to shape, as a writer. See how this works? What do you want this to be? You get to make that choice. You get to decide if what you saw is Eden, is some parallel-universe reality, is heaven. As a writer, you are a co-creator. You know this; you have been greatly inspired by C.S. Lewis, and J. R. R. Tolkien, and others. You know the power of imagination on younger and older minds and hearts. So don’t analyze! Flow. Just flow.

So I just spent a good hour going through images to post with this entry. I finally found something that will work, but I didn’t find exactly what I was looking for.

And why do you think that is?

I have a feeling You are going to tell me.

You tell Me.

Because what I saw is meant for me to write first. IF I ever see the place in “real life” here on planet Earth, it will be after the words. Not before. My description in words will come first.

Yes, exactly. See? You are catching on quickly. Didn’t I tell you this was going to be fun?

So you want me to write about…

I want you to write about Innocence.

 

 

 

 

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Runner

Well, this was certainly an interesting ten days. I am not sure what I expected, exactly, in the middle of a busy-busy stretch. Holiday weeks are always busier at the shop and this one included inventory deliveries as well as lots of folks to serve. I write that and I smile. It’s true, I really do think of the galleries as places of ministry as well as places of commerce, of sales. Art ministers. I watch it happen over and over. And I love that. I am so grateful that my commerce-life revolves around beauty and talent and investment in the gifts given. I love that.

So in a traditional sort of Vision Quest, the quester would debrief, so to speak. Come to the tribal or traditional equivalent of a spiritual director, report in, and seek feedback. Sometimes that feedback would be revelation, a new name, or confirmation of what the quester discerned. So here I am, coming to You. What stood out? That is the question first asked.

Well, one big thing unfolded over a couple of days. I went looking for the mama bear and four cubs, whom I did not get a clear view of, and instead was startled near dusk by a deer I obviously startled first, because she darted out from the brush in front of my car and then raced ahead down the road. Gosh, she was fast! Then she bounded off to the other side of the road and I lost sight of her. The whole thing made me recall a name I thought You spoke to me maybe 30 years ago–Running Deer. And a line from a poem that is from 2007, “footprints like hearts through my day”–because deer’s hoof prints are in fact heart-shaped. Maybe I will put the whole poem here. 

The Wood Between The Worlds

You are always

Breathing out

Largesse

I inhale hurriedly

The ten thousand things

Scarcely notice

Your breath, my life

You wait

Slow still center

I come to ground

Gently deciduous

Float leaflike

Your breath

CS Lewis says

Nothing much happens

Look again

Nothing

Much happens

The trees go on growing

I follow

Footprints like hearts

Through my day

You breathe out

I breathe in

Connected

There. That makes me happy.

 

Why? Why does that make you happy?

Because it’s the real me. It is how I feel, how I think.

This quest was all about authenticity, finding and owning your authentic self.

Yes, well, after that whole deer episode, a couple days later I was driving on the beach road, and up ahead of me was what looked like a school activity or athletic bus, pulled over, half on and half off the road. I skirted around it, no problem, but in huge letters across the back of the bus were the words Running Deer. THAT got my attention! So I have been trying to think, running from what? Running to what? And You said, running with whom?

And what do you think is your answer?

I think I am running from how I actually feel, a lot of the time. I am trying to be responsible and diligent and on top of things; I feel disorganized and frustrated and stressed, and honestly, I miss being outside. But You said this time was to help restore my writer. So what does Running Deer have to do with that?

You don’t write because writing is all about feeling for you. It is not so much about thought–it used to be, but not anymore. You have made a shift from what you think to what you feel, and because you are so used to hiding what you feel, you have put a straitjacket on your writing self. And speaking of thinking, you THINK no one cares what you think or feel. And you are so mistaken. You could not be more mistaken. I care. I, the Lord of the Universe, care what you think, and I care what you feel. You want so much not to offend anyone, and to be as loving as you can to everyone. That is what you feel. You want to give everyone, anyone, another chance, a break, a massive break. That is what you feel. You get frustrated, as you said, and then you take your frustration out on yourself for not doing more, not being more, when what is really the issue is that you see folks around you who don’t seem to care even half as much as you do. You see that, and you think, how could they waste this life? How could they waste this day? How could they waste this minute? And you have been reluctant to name your frustration, because you want so much to give them, all of them, another chance.

Don’t they get that, God? Another chance, I mean. 

Yes of course. Always. But that doesn’t mean you need to consume yourself with their choices. It is essential that you begin to name, to yourself in My Presence, how you really feel. That is not judging, that is not criticizing, especially if you never verbalize it beyond the page, the private page with Me. But you need to be more honest. It is not that you lie, it is that you are trying to hard to be who you think I want you to be, instead of just being the glorious creation you already are. What did you read this week?

Oh yes! That quote! So it came in an email from Richard Rohr, whose writing I like very much, but the quote itself came from Dr. Howard Thurman. “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” And then, I was placing a re-order with ceramic artisans for lamps and plaques, and they had a word plaque with that exact quote! So I took that as a confirmation.

You have answered this before. It is time for you to answer this again. Not here, not right now. Over the course of the next week. Keep breathing in the question and breathing out your answer: what makes you come alive, Eve? You think you know the answer. Don’t just think. Feel. What makes you come alive?