Category: Change

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Spring Forward

So, God, it is almost, truly, spring. We have already had the switch to daylight savings time. This past Monday, there were only about half a dozen swan in the cove, and it was so pretty, I walked down to my car to get my camera and long lens. I snapped a quick cell phone image first and good thing — when I returned, the swan were gone! And then I saw them, way off in the distance, flying away. Flying away north. Flying away to home, their other home. Just like that. The majority had left already; these were the last to go. And then, about an hour later, I left and checked on the osprey nest just north of us since I heard the first one calling that morning. Sure enough, the pair was home! Home for the spring and summer. Just like the swan, they had to make a journey. OH, I get it. Some go, some come, all head Home. Like my cousin who I cannot get out of my mind and heart. Oh.

Home-going is hard only for those waving goodby. To the travelers themselves, coming Home is wonderful, is glorious. It is good to go, it is good to come home. You know this yourself from all your own travels. You love to go, and you love to return.

It’s the leave-taking that is hard.

Yes, and the waiting. But notice what happened, even in your own experience. The osprey don’t take the place of the swan. They each have their own stories. But the presence of the osprey, the joy they bring in and of themselves, that is what helps fill your heart. So now it is a matter of focus. You could choose to fill your heart only with swan, with the memory of their being here all winter. You could let your heart linger there. And that is what memory is for. But — and this is a very important distinction — you can let your heart linger lightly with those swan while embracing the osprey. You can remember and rejoice, and yes, at the bigger goodbyes you can still shed tears, while at the same time choosing to spring forward. Choosing to let your heart find new loves, new reasons to rejoice, new seasons to explore and even celebrate. Some think that dishonors what once was, to be open to what is and what could be. But since I AM, and since I AM Timeless, I say to you, linger lightly. And Spring Forward. Do Both/And. Don’t refuse spring’s gifts thinking you have to be loyal and faithful in honoring winter. You honor winter by remembering, not by refusing to let the snow melt, let the ice thaw, and let your heart be warmed once again by the spring sun. So Spring Forward, little one. And trust that those you love will find their own ways forward into the same sun, warming their own hearts. Hold winter’s griefs up to the light of that sun and let My Love warm and comfort and heal.

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Mirroring

God, I feel as if I can talk to You about anything. And increasingly, at any time. So I want to talk to You about my fingers. About this decades-old habit, started when I was, what? You know. Three? Four? Five? This lifelong habit I have of picking my fingers, which drives Pete crazy, and which, for all these years, I have assumed You judged me for. I certainly have judged myself. And in that judgment, I named the habit sin, which I really think, thought, it is. Until I was falling asleep–or between sleep and waking–and You said, I think it was You, something extraordinary. And I want and need to talk to You about it.

You said You didn’t see this habit as sin. Is that true? Was that You, that sudden thought in my head, so contrary to the way I have thought?

Yes, that was Me. What I need you to understand is that all the times you felt prompted by Me to stop, those leadings were not to lead you out of something I was judging you guilty for. I have asked you to stop because of what the habit is doing to you. I see, deeper than you yourself see, the sense of shame and guilt and even despair you carry, over this seemingly simple little habit. You began as a way to handle stress and tension in your house when you were a very young child. You have used it ever since, when you were tired, or stressed, or afraid, or under any kind of accusation. To keep yourself silent, you took to tearing at yourself.

Let Me ask you a question. In fact, let Me ask you several questions.

Would you reach over, take Pete’s hands in yours, and begin systematically to tear at his fingers?

No, of course not!

Would you do this to a close friend?

No.

To an acquaintance, perhaps?

No.

How about a stranger? Would you feel free, would you be motivated, to do that  to a stranger’s hands?

No, Lord. You know not.

Well, how about someone who hurt you? Would you reach out and hurt them back in this way?

NO.

Okay, well, what about an animal, then? Would you do something comparable to an animal?

No, never.

So. Last question. Would you, if you could be with Me in a physical way, would you do this to Me?

No, Lord, of course not!

Look at what you are saying. You are making yourself less than anyone else you would ever know, or meet. Less than the animals, whom you purport to love.

I do love them, You know I do.

Here is what I know: you do not yet fully love yourself. You have not yet fully received the depth, the breadth, the length and the height of My love for you. I have asked you to stop, and told you that stopping will open doors to greater service and ministry, not because this habit is sinful in My eyes, but because it reveals you are not yet fully healed, fully whole. You don’t see yourself as I see you, and you see yourself much less clearly than you see every other living thing on the planet.

Lord, something set me off this past spring. Sometimes I know my triggers but this time I am not sure what did it. I was fine, I was okay all during Pete not feeling well last fall, and holidays with family which are always stressful, and then the decision to move Yellowhouse, everything involved with that, and then suddenly something upset me to the point I started again.

And the shame of starting has fueled you to continue. That is what I want to address, and relieve–your deep sense of shame. Every one of My Children is worthy of love, of My Love. Every one of My Children begins as a precious and innocent being. And as you well know, I will move heaven and earth to show each one the truth of that Love. So what do I have to do, what can I say, to bring you to a place where the mirror you look deeply into is My Eyes of Love for you?

That sounds like a Vision Quest question.

Indeed it is. You have an old, flawed, distorted mirror. I would like to lead you away from that mirror to a place where you can see a clear, honest, pure reflection. You have been afraid to come to that place, seeing it as a place of shame and accusation, which is what you are running from, and what your tearing at your fingers is an expression of. But I Am calling you, asking you, pleading with you, please stop running. Stop running from your own precious self. Stop running from the you I see, the you I love, the you I chose before you were even born. Be willing to live in the light I Am offering you now, and I promise you, the compulsion you have felt for the past five-and-a-half decades will lose its grip and its power on your mind and your heart.

I Am asking you because your pain grieves Me, and I would relieve it. But we must be partners for that to happen. Because this originated in your feelings about yourself, you have to have a part in its resolution. This isn’t a work I can do by Myself; I need you as My Partner in your wholeness.

Okay, Lord. I really do want to be free of it. 

Yes, I know you do. But hear Me well — you need to be free of your distorted view of yourself, in order to be free of the habit you so despise. You think the habit is causing the distorted self-image, but I tell you, the reverse is true. The distorted self-image is manifesting in your habit, not the other way around. So Come. Come to My Pool of Reflection; stand here beside Me, look into My Love and see what I see. You–and your life–will never be the same.

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Yes and No

Lord, I don’t even want to turn on the news. All night long, I have managed to avoid most of the television and all of the online coverage. So I feel guilty, avoiding what is, what happened, what keeps happening…and I feel as if I somehow, as if we all somehow should collectively, what? Mourn? Fast? Pray? Repent? Say we are sorry for something we didn’t do? But we are sorry, profoundly, mournfully sorry. And we are desperate. And we are angry. And we are sad. And we are, I am, so very confused.

Confused about what?

Confused about what to do. What to say. Where to look. What action to take–or avoid taking. Everything is so darned political and all we want, at least I hope all we want, is for our children to be safe. Safe at school, safe at home, safe with us, safe away from us. Seriously, what parent doesn’t want their children safe?

I Am a Parent and I want all My Children safe.

Yes, okay, well, they’re not. They’re not. All Your children are not safe. Not here. Not now. Not on this planet. Not in this chapter. And the “not-safe”–it rocks us and reels us and tilts us off center. It does.

It is supposed to.

What?!?

You are not supposed to find your center, your balance, as a part of unrest, or discord, or violence. You find your center despite those things, not because of those things. You find your center in Me Who is greater than violence.

God, here we go, I am sorry, but here we go. This world makes less and less sense, and trying to find Your Presence in less and less sense is, well, getting harder. Almost impossible. 

So you need to look for Me where you know I Am. Everywhere you find beauty, everywhere you find lovingkindness, everywhere you find peace, everywhere you find acts of generosity, there I Am. I Am in the midst of all that. When I say, I Am Everywhere Present, here is what you must understand. I Am not present to evil, and evil is not sustained in My Presence. I Am present as rescuer or healer or restorer of the breach, yes. But I Am not present in the act of pulling the trigger, in the mindset that seeks out violent solutions, that meets blow for blow for blow. I Am in the act of redemption and restoration and renewal.

So, God. Please. What is someone like me to do? What can I possibly do or say that will make one iota of difference in the way this world is spinning? Seriously. I am not trying to be sarcastic. I am crying out in distress, please, please help us. What are we supposed to do? And please don’t say anything about how we live in a culture of violence now. I know. I am asking what one person can do.

You can opt out of that culture of violence. You can commit, again and again, to saying No to violence in any form, and Yes to peace in every form. Not the lazy, empty, fearful peace at any price that actually condones evil by ignoring it. I Am talking about something far braver and far harder. I Am talking about standing and saying No, not running or hiding and saying No. I Am talking about standing and saying Yes, not whispering yes from some secret place like a secret code between initiates. I Am talking about standing and being who you are in Me.

Don’t I do that already?

Sometimes. But sometimes you are afraid to say what you think and feel out loud. Isn’t that true?

Well, yes, a lot of the time that is true. But what does that have to do with this?

If more ordinary folks said yes, and no, those voices would become louder than the militant shouting of the violent. Turn up your own volume, not by being belligerent. Not by trying to outshout the shouters. Not by being arrogant. Do not adopt any of violence’s ways or means. But you can still be true to all your values and gently and quietly yet firmly, do as the scripture says, and let your yes BE yes, and let your no BE no. Live your Yes. Live your No. Be willing to be identified as who you truly are and what you truly believe.

You have heard and read and recited a lot of different creeds over the years. Why don’t you sit down with Me and prayerfully co-create a creed that accurately says everything that is in your heart? Everything that is in your heart about Me, about humanity in Me, about this planet you call home. Why don’t we examine your thoughts and feelings and beliefs together? Let’s write together. Let’s write something you can rely on and relay to others.

Okay, Lord. This might take more than one sitting.

Indeed it will. Indeed it must. But the time spent will be worth it to you, I promise. It will help your mind and your heart more than you realize now.

 

 

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Exit Here

I had a good day, really, but now I am tired. So what do I do? I drink a cup of coffee. Because I need to be awake, alert and at least somewhat productive, and I’ve got four hours or so ’til bedtime. I’ll relax, kinda-sorta, watching tv for part of that time. But my brain, God, it never stops. It never really rests. So more than my body, can we talk about my mind? I told a customer once about how my brain works, how busy it is all the time, almost like a pinball machine, making connections, synthesizing this with that, and in all seriousness he asked me, so do you take medication for that? I was almost offended! NO! I said, in probably a louder voice than maybe I should have. It’s my brain, I said! Sometimes I like how it works. But sometimes I do wish it would sit! stay! Like a puppy, like training a puppy. I guess that is what mediation is partly for, training your brain to sit, stay. Right?

I made the human brain to think. There is a difference between thinking and over-thinking, between planning and worrying or fretting. Here is a question you can ask yourself–how many times have I covered this same ground, mentally? If you were walking or driving instead of thinking, would you be saying, wait a minute, I passed this same exit half an hour ago! I am back here again, I have made no forward progress! Sometimes that is a very good thing, as it signals you have more work to do to resolve something inside. But if you find yourself passing the same exit over and over and over, then it is a signal there is a deeper issue involved.

Lord, years ago my pastor said, if you find yourself over-reacting to a seemingly small or relatively harmless situation, it is a sign that it is a trigger, relating back to something deeper.

Yes, that was wisdom from him. The same can be true of your worrying. Or your over-planning. Or your second-guessing decisions. Try to get at the source of the repetitive thoughts. Are you accusing yourself, telling yourself information that isn’t correct?

Like what?

How about, you are lazy. Nothing, nothing could be further than the truth. Or what about, you are not doing enough. Again, untrue. You repeat other phrases too. Why don’t you jot some of them down here.

Here? Now?

It might help you. Get them out of your head and down on the page.

Well, I know I say I’m tired when I am actually other things beyond tired. Like upset, or scattered, or…frightened. When I feel pressure closing in and I don’t know what to do, what decision to make. So I say I am tired when I mean more than that sometimes. 

Go on.

Well…gosh, this is harder than I thought. I say, no one cares what I think. I say that a lot. I guess I have said that, a lot, for a very long time.

And now that it is in black and white, staring back at you, what is your reaction?

It’s not true. It is very far from true. Lots of folks love me, and lots of folks actually do care what I think. Some care because they care about me, my thoughts matter to them. Others care because they look to me for my opinion on things. Gosh, it really is the opposite of what I say inside.

So here is what I want to say about that. You just wrote, “what I say inside.” How do you know, why do you believe, I Am speaking with you now?

It is a little hard to explain but I feel as if I know Your voice now. I know the calm and the peace I feel when You start talking. I can come agitated, and You always, always calm me. It’d be like asking me how I know it is Pete on the phone–of course I know. I know his voice from all other voices.

Yes, this is true. So how do you know this is you, in your head, accusing you?

Oooh, that is almost scary, like someone else, not me, not You, is thinking in my head? Is that what you are trying to say? I don’t like that thought at all!

I Am not saying this in the way you are imagining. But you have, most humans have, a stronger memory than you think, especially of your formative years. You internalize many messages spoken aloud, or even with non-verbal clues. Much of your opinion of yourself comes from those early years. We have been talking much lately about play, about perfectionism, about rest. All of these trace back to your early school years with their roots. What I Am saying is, these repetitive thoughts you have, especially those that accuse your character, your stamina, your diligence, your love, your commitment, even your ability to make and keep a commitment, all of these stem from ways you were treated or words that were spoken in your earlier years. If the words came from authority, they had more impact yet. Young children tend to trust the messages they are given. The young of all species are hard-wired to learn. One important difference between animals or birds and humans is that animals and birds give their young consistent messages designed to maximize their ability to survive and thrive. Oh, would that were so with humanity! What a different world you would inhabit! Much of My trying to teach you My voice is to help you discern the difference between My voice and My words and all other voices that have ever spoken to you, including your own. Now here is a promise. Just as you learned to copy and imitate other voices and behaviors when you were very young, including words and thoughts detrimental to you now, so you have the ability to learn and imitate My Voice, My Words, and My Thoughts. Not only can you learn new facts and new skills and new information, you can learn a new way of being with yourself in this world. THAT is what will, once for all, destroy within you the power of fear, worry, anxiety, stress, drivenness, striving to be perfect, trying in fact to be anything that you are not–and all the outworkings of all of that in your life, your health, your finances, every realm you can think of. You can look to Me for an honest, realistic assessment of who you are, and who you can still yet become. You can turn down the volume on any voice that speaks out of your past, while you seek My wisdom about its truthfulness.

So the next time you catch yourself passing the same mental exit ramp, thinking no one cares what I think, or I have to try harder, why don’t you deliberately exit? Don’t go around the loop again. Get off that road. Remember what I Am telling you now. Take the exit marked, My True Self. Let’s continue to explore that road together. It is more beautiful and more wonderful than you have been led to believe.

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Stone of Seeing

I’m gong on a journey, and…that is what another move feels like. That combination of excitement, some fatigue, a little apprehension. Every day a journey, and I think that sums up how I approach every day, actually. And when I say it that way, I see “a little apprehension” as a disconnect. A feeling of but-what-if that is peering ahead at possible negatives. So, God, what is a better response? Not foolhardiness, obviously. Not neglecting wisdom or discernment.

A better response? How about faith. Faith says, “I don’t know the future but I have confidence that…” So, how would you complete the sentence?

Me? Now? Well, I have confidence that You are with me, and that You are guiding me, guiding us. I am still making choices but I can choose from a position of being guided–and that guidance, it’s based on values more than on specific outcomes, I just realized.

Yes, if you are leading with Love and following Love, then you are on a good path. Faith reminds you also that you are not alone, you do have companions.

So…Faith doesn’t guarantee a specific outcome?

Faith guarantees an ultimate outcome but leaves room for life. And that sentence can be read in so many ways! Some read it to mean, a future bliss and plenty of trouble and suffering now. Some read it to mean, God is interested only in the hereafter but the here and now is all up to us and our own effort. What I Am trying to help you understand is this: Faith is not a magic wand. It is more like a Seeing Stone. Faith can help you pick out a path based on the direction you want to walk. You have chosen to walk in Love, now. In Peace, now. And you long to walk in Joy, now. You have chosen to walk Connected, now. Leaving room for life means that you retain the power of choice–and that you remain open to the surprises you like to call serendipity or synchronicity. Faith does not demand a lockstep, predetermined, predestined pace or path. Faith is more interested in relationships than anything else.

So what is the ultimate outcome? Heaven?

The ultimate outcome is full union with Me, yes, as Love Eternal, Love Incarnate, Love Undying. And the ultimate outcome is My Will, manifest. That is true Manifest Destiny. Everyone is destined to be loved completely, sooner or later, here or in eternity. Blessed are the ones who can embrace this reality now. Their lives are easier, not because nothing hard ever happens to them, but because they are companioned through everything.

So, Lord, when I say, I am led by You, what does that mean, exactly? From Your perspective?

It means I view you as a seeker, a seeker of good, a seeker of the highest, best, most loving life for yourself and for those your life touches, however briefly or long. And since those who seek, find–that is spiritual law–it means that your searching is neither empty nor in vain. It means that when you consider multiple paths and multiple outcomes, you will feel nudges and promptings in just the same way you sometimes sense that there is a photograph waiting, a moment waiting for your presence. So you go, and in fact, there is. You tend to ask out of a heart that seeks to find its place in the larger world, amidst all the other hearts asking or vying for their own spots. You don’t begrudge others their paths; you seek to be true to yourself and find the path most in line with your values and your longings to give.

That’s true.

So that kind of commitment inevitably draws to itself the appropriate match, in circumstances, in opportunities, in people. What you have to give matches what the larger world needs in very specific ways and times and circumstances, like the pieces of a puzzle fit together. It doesn’t have to be hard. Your peace and your discernment tell you when something is not a good match or no longer fits.

That is true, too. 

So that is what being led is like. I see and hear and observe and feel your heart. Sometimes I sense when your thought is out of line with your heart. It is those times when you feel most disconnected from yourself, from life, from others, from Me. You think I have withdrawn but I Am actually drawing even closer, in human terms, in those moments, at the ready when you turn and seek once again with your heart. That is why Faith is like a Seeing Stone. You seek, and then you see. And that prompts deeper and wider seeking and seeing.

Thank You Lord. I think I understand a little bit.

Don’t worry too much about “understanding.” True faith like true peace is beyond the understanding. Just go with what you feel and what you know. Don’t worry about pitfalls or rockslides. Your discernment will let you know when it is time to change course.

Like this move, Lord! Talk about synchronicity and serendipity! I say, it seems as if we are being led…and it is true, I felt it. I sensed it. And then I heard it, in my heart. And then the door opened in circumstance. And then literally!

You can trust your feelings. There is an entire body of teaching in the church that says you cannot, that your feelings are unreliable at best or evil at worst. I gave humanity feeling and emotion. It is a GIFT, not a curse. Use this gift as you would use any other gift, in the service of Love, and you will never regret your choices.

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Patterns

God, scripture says You don’t test us.

Why should I test you? I already know everything about you. I already know your heart.

Well, teachers test us to see where we are deficient–to show us, or themselves, where we fall short, where we have gaps.

Teachers need to ensure their students have a certain body of knowledge and skills in order to lead an integrated and productive life. Good teachers will assess both their students’ skills and knowledge, factoring in how they learn best. A great teacher will help empower students to continue to learn and grow beyond the classroom. There are other ways, better ways, to encourage and develop life skills than the concept of “testing” implies.

Like what?

When you and Pete got married, were you constantly demanding that he prove his love for you, or were you more focused on showing him your love, and how happy and grateful you ere to be together? And what about him?

We just loved each other, corny as that sounds.

It doesn’t sound corny at all. All that I Am flows from Love, to Love. Love is the beginning place, Love is the journey, Love is the destination.

Ok, Lord, but I have friends and family whose lives seem to be a series of, how can I say this, one-thing-after-another hard circumstances. It never seems to stop. And I am not even talking about the challenges we all eventually face if we live long enough, I am talking about a cascade of disasters. It seems as if more and more is being demanded of them. And if I may say so, it doesn’t seem fair.

Of course you may say so–you may say anything. I don’t want you ever censoring your thoughts with Me, as if you even could. So you are asking why am I giving them such hard circumstances.

Yes, Lord. I don’t understand. 

Imagine a farmer going out to plow his field. And imagine there is one part of the field that is rocky, and every time he plows there, he dulls or chips his blade. Imagine there is another part of the field where the ground is soggy, and poorly drained, and inevitably his tractor gets stuck in the mud there every single time. Now imagine this farmer getting up every morning and setting out to plow these same sections, perhaps imagining that this time all will be different–even though he has never removed the rocks, or tried to fill the soggy ground with better soil. Now imagine that same farmer actually neglecting the portions of his field that are good, fertile, cleared ground. How many crops do you think he will have? How much time and money do you think he will waste, constantly chipping his blade, always getting mired down in the muck? Now, finally imagine this farmer telling his neighbors, I don’t know what lesson God is trying to teach me, that I have all this bad luck farming!

Humans tend to repeat patterns, for good or ill. That is great when the patterns lead to good results, such as good health, loving and respectful relationships, wise stewardship of resources, and peace with others, but it is disastrous if the patterns lead to poor health, being taken advantage of, repeated abusive or neglectful relationships and so on.

When there is a pattern of behavior, or a pattern of results, you do well to come to Me for wisdom about changing the pattern. You can be sure it is not I Who is testing you in those kinds of circumstances. Instead, I Am the One trying to break through your destructive patterns and lead you in paths of life. You change by changing. Perhaps that means a different sense of responses so the outcome is different. One reason recovery programs are so successful is that they are based on the idea that different choices lead to different results.

So what is one concrete thing my friends or family could do?

The first, best thing to do is just to be willing to come to Me and talk about everything that is going wrong with a view to identifying the underlying pattern they may be repeating without even being aware of it. I have promised to lead My children in paths of righteousness. What that really means is, in paths that are right, and true, and perfect for that person. You can be sure My leading will always be centered in Love. For those whose patterns are lifelong, their hearts may be deeply rutted. I Am a gentle and loving shepherd. I will not push or prod or demand a quick pace. That is why the Psalm also talks about green pastures of plenty, and quiet streams. My Way is always the gentlest way. So I would say simply, come. Come, walk with Me. Lean on Me. Learn from Me. Love with Me. Live with Me.

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Off Duty

So, Lord, I think this new cloak of mine is going to take a lot of getting used to. I was just sitting here thinking I felt pretty good, had a decent day, because (drum roll) I got so much done! Sheesh. 

It’s not about doing versus not-doing. It is about with what attitude are you doing. How did you feel today, running your errands, doing your paperwork?

I felt fairly relaxed for the most part, except once or twice, when I looked at the clock and felt that sense of being rushed, or rather, not moving fast enough myself. I did try to think all day long about what You said yesterday. I wasn’t sure how to switch gears exactly, but now that I think back, for the most part I wasn’t revved up. I made a list so I wouldn’t forget anything, and actually did all but one thing–I would have done that too but it was raining too hard at that point for that particular errand.

So you can actually balance your life with your work and your chores. You see? You were able to reach out briefly to friends today. You did your errands. You made real progress preparing for your upcoming buying trip. And you did it all with much less anxiety. You even got a little extra sleep this morning! You tried to remember to drink more water and you took bathroom breaks. I would say, for your first day, you were a great success wearing your new cloak!

Thanks, God. I do feel good tonight. I do. I even noodled around with a new lyric, sort of, in the car. And Kaylee was more affectionate, more playful, than she has been in a while. I could almost believe she sensed the change too.

Almost? You know how sensitive animals are. If such a change makes such a difference in her behavior in just one day, imagine the benefits that await you long-term.

You know, God, at one point this morning, I caught myself slipping into those old familiar thought patterns and I literally interrupted myself to say, no, today is going to be an incredible day!

And was it?

I am sitting here right now, feeling–and I do mean that word, feeling, I can feel Quiet, I can feel Calm. Peaceful. I am feeling at peace. I am feeling at peace with myself. That’s huge. And yes, I would have to label that as pretty incredible.

And what is happening to the earth?

Ha, God, You are so funny. It is spinning, spinning on its axis, revolving around the sun, keeping its place in the Universe. And all without me having to worry about it, ha! 

I Am not making fun of you. But it is helpful for you to see for yourself how playful and joyous this life can once again be, as long as you are focused on Being, on Being your best self. Sure, go, do–but from a center of being. And what did I promise you? That you will be even more productive, accomplish even more, and operate from a position of even more energy. So how do you feel physically?

I know bedtime is coming and I think I will sleep, but I don’t feel that same overarching fatigue I have been having. AND…this is incredible…although I planned to drink coffee in the afternoon, I didn’t. Somehow I didn’t need it. I got along just fine without it.

And you are not feeling exhausted now?

No. I’m not. I am actually feeling pretty good. Guess that will go down on my gratitude list tonight. Thank You, Lord.

Yes, I guess it will. Thank you–for receiving My peace. You know, I have called you to be a peacemaker, and a peacekeeper. And that begins with days like today, days when you are at peace first with yourself.

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Seedlings

Lord, thank You for growth. I just spent a few minutes reading this time of year from 15 years ago, and then 14 years ago. Fifteen years ago, I was still sick with pneumonia, gaining strength very slowly, and full of the same sorts of questions and drivenness I still sometimes am prey to. Fourteen years ago, Pete’s second sister, who had been ill for only a few weeks, died and that set off a whole storm of emotion, within and around us. What I realized, reading, is how my morning journaling times have changed. Now, I know to listen for Your Voice, Your input. Then, I craved it but I didn’t often stop long enough to hear You. But it was that practice, of taking that time in the morning, writing down everything I thought and felt for 30 minutes or so, that planted the seeds that eventually grew into the relationship I have with You now.

Yes, you were full then–full of grief, full of fatigue, full of fear about health in general, full of questions about your future. You needed to become emptier so that I could fill you with Myself.

I loved You then, as I love You now. But I think I had forgotten how much You love me, love us. And how personal Your Love is, how You really do enter into a relationship with us–if we will, with You. I had moved into focusing on social justice, on causes for peace in the human world and the natural world. I had zeal, and I had faith…but believing in something, even Someone, isn’t the same as nurturing a relationship with that person. 

You are a parent yourself. How do you feel when you hear from your son, or one of the grandkids, out of the blue, for no particular reason?

The feeling is joy, God. Big time joy.

You gladden My own heart with your attention, and with your commitment to staying open to My Presence. What would you say is your dominant emotion these days?

I guess I would have to say gratitude. Or maybe lovingkindness, although I can’t say I am always loving, especially when I am over-tired.

And what did you read as your dominant emotion in those journals from so long ago?

Gosh, God, sorrow, I guess. I was trying so hard to keep going, but there wasn’t any joy anywhere, really. I checked items off the must-get-done list, so there were flashes of satisfaction in tasks completed. There was genuine joy in the trip west to receive my college diploma, the degree Daddy’s life insurance paid for. His last gift.

So what do you think was the difference-maker?

I know gratitude as a practice helped, as I have shared over and over with folks. It really did change my life. But the real difference-maker, Lord, was You–this connection, like right now, knowing I can reach out with my mind, my thought, and You are here, right here. That changes everything in real time. Anytime I do get discouraged now, if I can just remember, I am not alone, You are here, God-with-us as a fact, it flips some switch in my consciousness. I mean, I can still be tired, or stiff and achy as I am tonight, or overloaded with more tasks than hours to do them, but I take just one breath thinking about You, about the immensity of the proposition that the God of the Universe is interested in us, in me, in this moment of what we call Time, and I smile, I can’t help it. It’s as if I am privy to the world’s greatest secret, only it is not a secret at all. It is hidden in plain sight, like the song says, Open the eyes of my heart. I just can’t get over all those pages from 2003 and 2004, and how different my journal reads now. Thank You.

I told you the other day, I want you to try to fast-forward in your thinking 20 or 25 years, as if you were as old as Pete is now, and what would be on your gratitude list from those years you have not lived yet. Why do you think I asked that?

I didn’t know–and I couldn’t come up with much. I mean, I couldn’t foresee anything in particular to add to a list. 

You just looked back at a snapshot of your life from 15 years ago. You are marveling most at your own growth in those years, your spiritual growth. Do you think your growing years are complete? What if I told you even more growth is coming, good growth, wonderful growth, and that you will look back at these conversations and marvel at how much closer You and I had grown during your 60’s and 70’s? What if you will look back with the same incredulity you are now experiencing, looking back, because our relationship will grow even stronger and deeper?

Lord, is that even possible? Is that what You are saying?

You are thinking of your life in Me now as a forest, in comparison with the tiny seedling it once was. I tell you, you will look back at these years and see a small grove in comparison to the mighty sequoias this connection, your connection with Me, your connection to this world you so love, will become. Mark My Words. So much growth awaits you. So rejoice in every day, every week, every month, and every year. Here is a little foretaste, a hint–this past summer, you were able to quit picking your fingers. No longer is that a stress response, after nearly 60 years. Now imagine no stress triggers, because you are essentially immune to them. Imagine no fear triggers, because they are no longer a part of your inner emotional or spiritual lexicon. You will grow into this life, just as you have grown into the woman you are now. And for every inch of growth, listen for Me saying, You are My daughter, I love You, and I Am so proud of you.

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Emergence

Lord, some people fast. How can I prepare, or train, for what You are calling me to do, to become?

I’m not exactly calling you to Become. I Am calling you to Come, Be. Be who you are. There is a difference.

What about transformation? That is becoming; that is change.

Not at emergence. At emergence, the Butterfly Is. But it must come forth. It must emerge. At emergence others see—and say—transformation! Well, yes—and no. The Butterfly always was, within the caterpillar.

You saw the butterfly! You called it forth! Things that are not as though they are!

Here is the Mystery. The “are not” is in your vision—the “are” is in Mine. What I call forth is really Vision, is for you to see what I already see, and Name.

Butterfly?

Butterfly.

Fragile…

Resilient. Strong. Beautiful. Inspiring and uplifting. Gentle. Living only on sweetness, kept alive by joy. “Born in calm.” And passing on a legacy of beauty and freedom for generations to come.

So the transformation?

Is already accomplished. You are who I say you are.

Then why the word about waiting?

You aren’t waiting to become—you are waiting to be revealed.

God, I have so many swirling thoughts and questions, questions about the business, and being this, this other thing, this butterfly-thing. I don’t want my life with critters to be a schtik. You know? I want it to be real, so real.

Eve, it is. It already is. It is your doubt that makes you falter. The critters, as you call them—and yes, call them—know you. They recognize you. You are one who has been coming. They have been waiting for you. You won’t chase them, you will draw them.

 

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Transformation

Lord, when I was writing about Love as a watchword for 2018, for the planet, the word transformative came to mind as well, for myself. I was thinking the changes I have already made, even starting this blog, were transformative. So is transformative a word for me, for 2018?

Transformation is a process. You are experiencing it personally and professionally on several levels, and 2018 will see the end of one era and the beginning of another. There are changes in store, changes that will free you to travel and be even more fully creative.

God, you say that and my heart lurches. Literally, my chest feels tight and my neck zings and my head is pressured and I feel like I can’t take a good deep breath.

I Am trying to re-birth your writer. What was the caterpillar transforms into the butterfly’s body, lifted by its new wings. Even more fully will word and imagery be united in you.

You’ve been very analytical. You’ve tried to reason your way. You’ve tried to calculate your next steps. You’ve tried to make sense out of circumstances. I gave you a very sharp mind but you are not using its full potential—and you are using it in the wrong way and for the wrong purpose.

I don’t understand?

I created your quick, sharp mind to be creative. You keep turning over stones of old ground. I created your mind to see forward and you keep looking over your shoulder. That creates the tension you feel in the left side of your neck, by the way.

Really?!

I want, right now, you to commit to East, to Vision, even more vision. This is the transformation I have in store for you. Walk, seeing. Light will become even more important, and your work will take on even more of an ethereal, other-world visionary quality. By My Spirit, you shall see and name things that are not, as though they are. The storyteller shall emerge in power within you. The poet and lyricist shall rise up. No longer shall you struggle to find the right words, for words themselves will come at your call, at your beckoning. As your planetary winter melts into spring, so shall you take this time to transform your house, your working space, your schedule—you are about to experience a life-shift, in which your ability to minister through your creative gifts will increase. Leave your analytical mind behind and come back to Vision. See, and then see. Hear, and then hear. Butterflies are East symbols. The Butterfly is your symbol for East now. It combines journeys, transformation, nectar-seeking and the golds and yellows of an eastern morning.

Whoa! Butterflies see color! So the concept of color…

Is a Vision concept.

My Voice will be louder, not softer; clearer, not vaguer. I don’t want you stumbling around in the dark trying to figure things out. That is a tremendous waste of time and energy. I want to illuminate your path. I want to give you wisdom.

But aren’t we supposed to work at it?

If by “it” you mean a relationship with Me, the work is to believe and receive. Say yes, and go, flow, know. Remember, My Light will refract through your life.