So, Lord, I have just spent the equivalent of two days—an evening, a day, a long morning—in a mini retreat, with eight other folks similarly engaged. There was such good material, most of which bubbled up inside each one of us as we individually and collectively responded to each other’s insights, questions, griefs, fears, longings. We were in “it”—this business of a daily life, spiritually centered—together, and in a way we don’t, or I should say, I don’t, despite my longing, often practice in the daily all by myself.
So my question, or one of my questions, is this: given a sense of calling, given experiences that feel to me like being invited into a deeper sense of Your Presence, why would I, why would anyone turn away from that invitation? Here is a follow-on question: despite what might be my fears around that invitation (what will others think? How will those I love react?), how can I live more fully aware and engaged? Our director said, over and over, Just Breathe. How do you feel right now in your body?
God, I think I know why I keep being drawn to bicycles. It’s the balancing act motif. Live connected to You, live connected to others—but not in a way that diminishes either Your Voice or my own—and live connected to myself. That is the challenge, to keep present, God, with all that is, and still hold to, or allow myself to be held by, and in, Your Love. That’s it, isn’t it! It feels like an aha. To allow myself to simultaneously be present to what is happening around me and at the same instant, to allow myself to be held by and in Your Love. Bingo. And I don’t. I mean, I do, but then I slip. I fall. I tumble into trying to fix everything around me (as if I even could, or as if it would be wise if I could), or I stumble over what is happening around me because I have closed my eyes and ears if it seems too painful or hard to bear, and neither one of those is the Third Way, of being present in a way that still allows Your Love to flow and center me in that Love.
All this is really heady, heavy stuff. But I love it. I love taking time to acknowledge it, and talk about it, and practice Your Presence, and write about it, and go out with my camera in hand, into a world I view as one You made initially, and look for evidence that You are still present here.
You said a lot this weekend, and some of it was beyond words. But is there anything You would say now, that I can share here?
Why don’t you write about what you saw and experienced when you went outside at sunset by yourself.
Ok, well, I think I saw the Green Flash. I had seen an afterflash of white light, once, just after the sun went down, and that was a couple years ago. But last evening as the sun disappeared, and there was a thin haze layer right at the horizon so the last glimpse was ever so slightly above it,I clearly experienced a shift of color in my perception from yellow to green and then gone. It doesn’t exactly show on the photograph; it looks more yellow, but if I desaturate all the yellow there is still a tonality present in the flash than in the streaks of color in the clouds above. And then, when I sensed it was time to go, and I got in my car, there were three deer that came out of the trees on the other side of the road and walked out into the marsh. One of those was a buck in velvet, with just-growing antler. Whether they would have come if I had stayed, I doubt. But it was a special treat to see them.
And what did you ask for at the beginning of your retreat?
Well, I asked for an experience of You. Not just words. Something beyond words, something sensory. I asked for clarity. I asked for Vision, as in Vision Quest. I wanted insight.
How do you feel right now?
Very calm. Relaxed. As if I could take a nap! Really, I feel drained in the best possible sense.
So why don’t you?
Why don’t I what?
Why don’t you nap? I cleared your calendar for the weekend, and that included today. That includes this afternoon. Do you remember the scripture, He gives to His Beloved even in sleep? Well, that goes for you too. All the while you were there to receive for yourself, you were also holding sacred space for those around you. You deliberately set about to do that work, to be a silent assisting partner. Now it is time for Eve to rest, and simply, merely, only receive. Not receive AND give. Just receive. You rarely do that fully awake, but in this semi-drowsy state, I can impart much to you—much healing, much insight, much strength. Everything you need, I can impart. Are you willing to lay down your need to appear strong and just receive? If you can answer yes, then go take a nap. And trust that everything in your world will be okay, while you rest and receive.