Month: March 2018

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Balancing Act

God, these times with You, they are like parentheses around my day, only what happens in between isn’t parenthetical, it’s integral. It’s the whole point! But You anchor me, before the day starts and near its closing. These times with You are like breathing for me, I take in, I release; I release, I take in. I can’t do one without the other. I can’t say Please without Thank You. Is this why people talk about Yin/Yang, about balance?

There are many ways to think about balance. You often think about balancing work and rest, or time alone with time spent with others. You think of a seesaw and wonder where the center point is, trying to measure your hours to find the middle. But what if one side is more heavily weighted than the other? What is the balance point then? I have told you before, one reason I gave Sabbath to humans was that rest was needed to balance work. You have taken that concept to mean, a lot of work, a little rest. Soon, little became even smaller, and then shrunk to almost none. This is not at all what I meant!

What centers you? What energizes you? What pulls and tugs at you in a way that weighs you down? What frees you so that you feel weightless and timeless? You have to answer all these questions for yourself, and your answers will change depending on circumstances. There is no single right answer, not for humanity, not even for you and your life. The answer is always moving just as the balance point is always moving, depending on the load of the day and the need of the moment. There are times when six days of rest are needed to counterbalance the weight of one day of work, of effort! This is why it is so important that you stay closely connected. You keep trying to fit into a cookie cutter life, a set schedule, a “now-I-have-it-figured-out” routine. None of those will work. For one, you would quickly get bored. Humanity in general, and you in particular are not cut out for a cookie cutter life. Same/same doesn’t serve your best, or others’. Instead, growth and freshness, and surprises, and opportunities, and change, and challenge—all those words you love sometimes and loathe sometimes—they are what make life interesting and worth getting up every morning to enter.

Every day at the start of the day, I want you to ask yourself these questions:

What is my best hope for this day? Not “every day” in general, but this day? What would bring me joy, today? How can I show love today and inspire peace, today?

Then at the end of each day, I want you to ask, what is my greatest gratitude today? What was the day’s best gift? If I had one do-over, what would that be, and why?

Then I want you to receive and release – receive the day, and release the day. Receive the next day, and release all prior days. Receive whatever you need from Me, in each today – strength, or hope, or grace, or wisdom, or guidance, or peace, or patience, or perseverance, or love, or joy, or peace, or faith…and then release to Me whatever you need to let go of or celebrate at the end of every day, whether fatigue or joy of accomplishment, whether regret or satisfaction, whether sorrow or deep gladness. Receive from Me and release to Me, like your breathing. And for each point of release, receive again. For regret receive grace and wisdom; for fatigue receive rest and replenishment, for sorrow receive comfort and mercy. For joy of accomplishment hear My echo of Well Done! For satisfaction or deep gladness, receive the capacity to hold even more. For the deep desire within you to serve, to be of use, receive direction to carry into each tomorrow.

This is the secret to balance. Receive and release; release and receive. If you can learn to feel your balance point and find it in the moment, you will be much less tired overall, and you will both enter and end each day more in tune with yourself, with Me, and with all that your life demands of you.

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Bedrock

One of the AlAnon questions I need to remember is, do you fail to recognize your accomplishments? I used to make myself a celebratory cup of special tea; now I reach for coffee’s caffeine as fuel to do more, not to stop and relish what I just did. I think about it, then turn aside as if I haven’t really earned it. Says who, and by what criteria? When I say yes, but…I am engaging in dialog with the wrong conversational partner. And I never need to say yes in any context to that voice.

You are tired, yes, but actually very healthy.

Huh?

You keep choosing gratitude. You stubbornly dig to bedrock. And every time, every time, you find there your true self and My great Love. That is the conglomerate of your bedrock, your solid foundation. Not just My great love–for you know that is at the center of every heart, if only everyone would go within to find it. You know that now. But what makes this your bedrock, the key secret ingredient, is you. You, united with My great Love.

Not just My Love for you. Some stop there. Not just My Love for those like you. Some stop there. My great Love for all. That is part of the fusing. Think metaphors for fusing. Think glass–art glass. We are fused. You are changed, transformed–and so is My great Love transformed–transformed, again, into a body I can use, into a soul, into an expression, an outlet in the world. This transfigures you and in turn, your yes transfigures My Love into your day, into your time, into and through your life. Think about fusing. There is more depth, more truth here than you know yet.

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Close Encounters of the Pelican Kind

Father God, I am having the best kind of deja vu. I am reading old journals, pouring over words we shared ten, eleven years ago, and two things are happening simultaneously. First, I am marveling at how what You said then, in advance, unfolded over the following months and years. How signposts You hinted at then came into full, glorious view later. And second, I seem to be reliving in real time now, what You said then, or what was happening then, but at a different level, like circling round a mountain coming around to the same view but different, because I am at a different plateau point now than I was then. I’m astonished, really.

Remember what I have told you: faith is the EVIDENCE of things not seen, or not seen as yet. The whole reason I speak in advance is to water and nurture your faith, so it can grow. Faith grows as a child grows, as a plant grows, with care and attention and the ideal conditions. I Am not interested in blasting your growth with blight or drought or pests to see if you persevere, if you are hardy enough. I Am interested in you bearing much fruit, and in creating the conditions where your fruitfulness flourishes. Above all, I Am interested in your growing into the self I see when I gaze deep inside you, the self that loves, that lives in peace, that exults in joy, that abounds in hope, that rejoices with others’ success as much as with your own. I see much growth in you, but the reality of living in eternity is that there is always room and opportunity for more growth. Your love can always expand. Your peace can reach wider, your joy can jump higher, your hope can cover more ground.

Ten years or so ago, I was rejoicing at my very first opportunity, in Ocracoke, to photograph pelicans at close range. Today, TODAY, after seeing a glimpse last fall, and hearing reports over the past couple of weeks, I had the chance to approach a lone pelican, on the dock in Duck, at close range. It was such deja vu, and made more so by what You said to me at that time. Lord, it was so key then, and I have the feeling that it is key again now. So here is what You said, what I felt, in those moments.

          “This morning I had this thought, this insight, about abundance, about living simply and doing with less, versus abundance. About being grateful for so many pelican pictures and thinking, that’s it, that’s too many, I can’t or shouldn’t have or want more. And the thought came, no. I am as grateful today for new pelican pictures as I was yesterday. I got to watch preening up close and at length. Wonderful. And the thought, to turn aside, not receive more, not look for more, was strong on one front, and its opposite was to receive, to celebrate, and to be grateful. Largess. Thank You Lord, for the time, the experiences, the photographs. This is expansive thinking. I have so much to understand here.

And then You said, You have so much to experience. You’ve relied too long on understanding, on others’ understanding. When you experience, you will know, and no one will take that knowing from you. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. The Bible word for intimacy is to know. You will become one with this truth. A depth of experience–this is how you will know.

So Lord, I have to ask, why now? What is it that You are trying to say to me, now? All over again, an encounter with a pelican and all over again, that infusion of joy, of such deep gladness. 

Your quest for meaning, to make meaning, is great. It is one thing I love about you. But like anything else, even a great thing can be carried to an extreme where it is out of balance, and hurts the whole. What if I just wanted to give you a gift of joy? What if I just wanted you to play a little (or a lot)? What if I Am delighted with your delight, and rejoicing in your joy, and intending to catch your attention so you once again pay attention to your intention (all those plays on words intended). What if I came to you today disguised as Coyote, the Gentle Teacher, and the “gotcha” is to tickle you into rest by showering you with joy? Jesus disguised Himself for one moment as a Gardener and for another moment as an Itinerant traveler even His close disciples did not recognize. Imagine the joy when the Aha! was revealed. What if your current Vision Quest is to reveal to you once again the joy you experience when you just let go and be yourself, outside. What happened, after you saw the pelicans, in 2007?

Well, You asked me what else I would like to experience. And I said dolphins. And then we saw jumping dolphins up close in the Sound and surfing dolphins in the ocean, incredible!

Then, I was trying to persuade you about an important truth about Myself, and about you, about your capacity to receive. Now, I Am trying to do the same thing. You have received so much, and are so grateful, that paradoxically you are beginning to do the same thing you did eleven years ago. You are beginning to shut down, beginning to entertain a belief that says there is a limit to what you can experience and enjoy here on planet Earth, and that you are dangerously close to that limit, so you better ration out your blessings, lest you run out of blessing before you run out of time. Absurd, isn’t it, when you hear it expressed in such plain words?

I’m sorry, Lord.

Don’t be sorry. Just believe. Just believe I Am with you, I have much to show you and teach you and give you, and just believe that for all you receive, you don’t diminish either your later blessings or the blessings I have to bestow on everyone else. You are already struggling with the idea of abundance and largesse. The truth is even larger, more staggering, and the truth is infinity. But for now, let’s just concentrate on abundance, and on your willingness to say yes to more.

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Mind Mapping

Lord, even after all these years, when I pause, I have this thought of, “He’s not coming. He won’t speak.” Like a blank page, blank canvas thought. But I pause anyway. I am remembering reading the Mind Map book, years ago. How I loved it, how it puzzled me, how it gave me a new framework to think about thinking itself. Lord, what would Your Mind Map look like?

Instant explosion of color–dancing–delight–joy–hope. Everything positive, beautiful.

One of My Mind Map branches is you.

I never thought of that, but I know instinctively, it’s true. What does my branch look like?

That is what you are going on Vision Quest to find out.

Oh!

Your Vision Quest is not about deprivation. It’s about expansion. It is about focus, but the paradox is this–as we macro-focus, close-focus on you, on My Mind for you, your vision of yourself and for yourself will expand like looking through a wide-angle lens. My Vision, My Map, truly is infinite. I want to share more of My Map with you. That is what your Vision Quest is for. It’s not that I Am going to tell you everything that will happen. It is not about “what.” It is not about “when.” It is about “who.” Maybe some “why.” That may point the way toward some “what” but that is not what this is for. This is not a journey to discern decisions. It is to discover the self I see, not what the world sees. Not what you see. Even though your own vision has expanded, it is still just a glimpse. You are still just squinting through dark polarized lenses. This Light won’t blind you. It will free you. This is bigger, for you and in you, than Renewal was. That was all I had to work with at the time, and you opened to that. This is much, much more. More than these pages have been.

Don’t worry or concern yourself now about larger effects, larger purpose. Of course it will bless others as you live out the Quest, as you embody the Vision. That is your heart and part of My heart for you. But it begins with you, and that is where we begin as well. It is not selfish, it is life. It is not sin, it is love–My Love for you. It will change everything–it will seem like a Big Surprise, surprise after surprise, image after image.  You can’t “do” it wrong, this Quest, for I Am leading you. The only “wrong” would be to not come. But here you are, so that is settled. For today, take these thoughts with you. Dancing Delight. And “greater than Renewal.” Feel the excitement, the quickening, the eager anticipation. Hold that feeling, that intention. That is like your walking stick. Take that with you everywhere, like your rock. That is how you begin.

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Precision

I dreamed I was looking at an album of my photos and they were dull, greyed. No pop. Not bold. Hazy. Lots of photos, and all the photos were that way. Dim, faded, like a protective film that renders out of focus was over each one. Lord, I want to walk with You a little. I know every time I reach out my hand, stretch my thoughts in Your direction, You are there. Always, always, right there.

Have I not promised to be your light? I Am still the Light of the world and the Light still shines in–into–the darkness. bring Me your dark places, your dim places, your dullness. Don’t confuse beveled with dull. Beveled softens edges for beauty and for use. Some things are meant to beveled; others are meant to be sharp. A butter knife doesn’t need the edge a carving knife needs. You need a sharp edge to prune, to edit. Ice skaters need a sharp edge to inscribe their line. Precise–this is what sharpness should mean for you. Not wounding, precision.

You can be precise, definite, bold, passionate in your gentleness. You can be fiercely firm, unwavering, in your commitment to peace. Not wishy-washy. Not dull. Not a dim resolve. Like Annie Dillard’s title, Holy the Firm. Let firm be holy for you. Let Me show you how to take a stand, how to make a mark–your mark. You are inscribing touchstones now, a mark here, a mark there, hoping someone will find one. The larger work, your larger life, is like inscribing on tablets, putting yourself out there. That is the source of your block, that fear. So you dim it, dull it, hide it. Don’t dim your light. Don’t dim My light in you. You think this means prophecy. It does. Let that sink in. It does. You think that means railing at the world, pointing out its wrongs, focusing on evil, routing out sin. You can stand against–many do. I Am asking you to stand FOR. Be passionate about what you intend. Focus always on that. Remember My old word, be ruthless for righteousness? You do that by intention, by intending good and blessing–not by fighting against evil, and putting your focus there. Put your focus on what you intend, for yourself, for others, for the planet. Visualize peace. That is your vision quest. Let Me show you a new path and a new way and a new day.

 

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The Gift of Silence

Sometimes, like right now, I can’t think of anything in particular to say, or ask. So what would You say? What would You say about that?

You come here to the Page to listen. It is okay to come to Me and just breathe. How often do you really do that? We don’t always have to speak to be heard. Remember, I know your thoughts, even before you do. I know your heart, I know your mind, I know your body’s strengths and weaknesses and challenges. I see your successes before they happen and I see your stumbling in time to catch you before you fall. You don’t need words to get My attention. I Am riveted by you, My attention is fixed on you — on all of you — every single second of every single day. You can scarcely fathom such Love or such attention. So don’t try to be what you are not. Don’t strive to be profound when what you really want and need is some rest. Just keep being real and honest with yourself, and that will keep you intentionally real and honest with Me also.

 

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Stained Glass

Every night, before dinner, taking turns, one or the other of us thanks You for the day, and for our food, and for all the good things You give us. On days like today–our anniversary–those thanks mean a little more, refer to something extra-ordinary, something that makes the ordinary extra special. Thank You for bringing Pete and me together all those years ago. You took what was broken inside each of us, God, and You made something precious. Like stained glass, You saw that the pieces could come together and become something beautiful. I am, we are, so grateful.

I was not the only One Who had vision. The two of you did, too — vision that led you to hope again, to believe again, to care again, and to love again. That is exactly the sort of vision the world needs right now, vision to see beyond, and imagine as the two of you did, the possibility of something beautiful, something wonderful, once again — even if that something wasn’t the thing you originally planned. That is what hope is all about, the vision to see beyond.

Lord, when light refracts through stained glass, it makes a rainbow. It’s prismatic. 

Yes, that is what Love does, it colors your world with possibility and wonder.

Thanks again, God, for making our world, our daily part in it, so full, so beautiful. Thank You. 

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Making Waves

One of my favorite quotes of Louise Hay is, you can start your day over at any time. God, I sort of feel like that about my week, like I need a do-over. Things are actually going quite well, but I think my attitude has needed a readjustment, and I’m sorry. I think I have, actually, I know I have been letting the stress get the best of me, meaning overtake my best self. I don’t know who else has noticed, but I have noticed. And obviously You have noticed.

I have a shorthand word for do-over also, and it is Grace.

I say that sometimes, God. I said it inside a lot this week, when I was panicked, about the wiring, about the computer hookup, about staging, about placement of fixtures: I move through my day with ease and grace.

So think about what you are really saying. If you are moving through with grace, with My Grace, then what that really means is you are moving forward in My Power. My Power is not only power to do, it is primarily power to be. In your case right now, that means power to be your best self, as you do all that needs doing.

Lord, I’ve gone months, months, without picking my fingers. Right through the ER visit with what turned out to be a mini stroke with Pete. What in the world set me off this week? I really need to know. It’s a stress response I no longer want to have in my psyche. Yet for some reason, it surfaced this week. Why?

This week you were confronted with many expectations and suggestions, so many coming at you at once that you literally could not hear yourself think. And you were so bombarded with having to react in the moment, moment after moment, that you could not figure out how to make time to hear Me either. Isn’t that true?

Lord, it is true. I just want to do everything right, everything correctly. And somehow please all these different people, some of whom want, or seem to want, very different things. I get lost in all of it.

Yes, you do get lost — you lose your focus, you lose your center and that is when you lose your way. In those moments although you may seem outwardly to be in control, you are actually free-falling into a very old fear, so old you can barely remember its origins. At the bottom of that fear is the prohibition against speaking up, speaking out, verbalizing your own thought or feeling or opinion, or asking for what you truly need or want. Your personal primal stress responses are all born out of silence. But as I have told you before, I don’t want you silent. I don’t want you shouting, either. As always there is a third way. You can find safe and sacred spaces to speak. Not to be silent, not to shout, but to speak. To speak up. Up from the well that is inside you, that is full, by the way, of creative, innovative, inspired ideas. On the one hand, you think it is dry, when it is actually full to nearly overflowing. And on the other hand, you are afraid if you pry the lid off this long-capped well, what will emerge will be anger or rage, something that would hurt someone else. You have been long schooled to think your words and thoughts have little value. They are precious to Me. Hear Me: your words, your thoughts, your feelings are Precious in My sight! Not anathema. Not cursed. Not rejected. Precious. Try that thought on for size!

Lord, that thought is huge. It is like a very large coat, several sizes too big.

Not too big. Not too big for your mind and not too big for your heart. But let’s talk a moment about your stress.

Ummm. Do we have to?

No, of course we do not “have to.” But you are the one who brought it up in the first place. Don’t you want to?

I guess. Maybe. Yes. Okay. Yes.

Do you know what stress is like? It is like picking up something too heavy for you to lift and carry, and then staggering under its weight, trying to prove you are strong. I Am not asking you to prove you are strong. I Am not asking you to prove anything. I know you and I love you. All I Am asking you is to walk with Me. Walk with Me and be honest. Tell Me what you cannot lift and carry. It may just be that you are trying to tote a burden that is not yours in the first place.

Not mine?

No. Not if what you are trying to carry is to meet others’ expectations that are either irrelevant, or impossible to truly satisfy, or counter to your true values. One of your core values is abundance. Another is the importance of connecting, if only for a brief few minutes. Another is that everyone ought to have a chance to shine. Another is that you recharge by drinking in air and light, clouds and water, wide, broad land and high tall land, and eye contact with all critters. The world did not always understand Me. It will not always understand you. You can seek to be understood or you can accept that you will sometimes–and sometimes more than other times–be misunderstood, and that is actually okay, because you are walking a different pace on a different trail than those who misunderstand. No judgment against them, and no judgment against you. But you have to decide in those moments whether it is worth it to you to just keep walking. It is when you turn aside, stop walking, and try to match either their path or their pace that you stumble into stress.

But Lord…shouldn’t I care what people think? 

If you can continue to love them, and show love to them, even if they misunderstand you, then your love is really what is most important–not their understanding.

So You think that is why I felt so stressed the past few days? I was trying to be understood?

You were longing to be understood, and considering the many thoughts and opinions all around you, you were literally trying to morph yourself into being a chameleon in order to blend in, not make waves. But let Me ask you something about making waves.

What did you photograph this week?

Oh, ha, Lord! Waves!

What kind of waves?

Oh, my gosh–big waves, huge waves, sunlit waves, magnificent curls and splashes, wave spray backwards and shooting up in ethereal angelic forms and rainbow colors, multiple wave sets breaking all at once. Fabulous huge waves!

What would you rather photograph, if there was no danger, no destruction, associated with your images? A flat lake-like ocean, or the ocean you saw yesterday?

The ocean I saw yesterday, Lord. I felt so alive out there. It was cold and windy and until I came in and realized my lips and face were chapped, I hardly noticed in the moment!

So I would ask you to carefully consider your answer in terms of your own life, your own influence. If you had a choice–and you do have a choice–do you want to be a placid lake or a wild ocean?

Gosh, God, that doesn’t seem fair, asking me that question. You know how much I love peace. How much I don’t want discord.

Who said anything about discord? I am asking about energy and influence. Which would you rather be?

Hmmm. Can I be both peaceful and inspiring? Because that ocean yesterday was inspiring, God. It was. It made me think of possibilities. It woke me up somehow.

That ocean uncapped your well. And what came spilling out? Rage? Anger? All that you feared? Anxiety? Panic? Stress?

No, God, none of that. Exhilaration and gratitude and gladness and exuberance. Joy. Joy is what came out, I guess. 

So let Me ask you one more time: How do you feel about “making waves” now?

Nervous. But I hear You. I do. Can You help me?

Of course. To paraphrase what Aslan said to Lucy, I shall be helping you all the time.

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The Long Run

Lord, an old friend asked me today, how long have I been doing this, meaning, photographing. And really, the answer dates back to high school. But there is a subset of answer, too. How long have I been photographing in line with my own voice, and that is a much shorter time. I remember in the beginning of my era with switching to digital, wondering how others managed to make the images they did. And in that day, I probably would have even said “capture the images” but I don’t say that any more. I try not to even say “take.” I would rather say “make” or “receive.” I was looking back at a journal from that timeframe, and I am astounded at what You said way back then, so I want to write it down again here. As a reminder–so that when I get discouraged, which I do on occasion, I will have this to come back to. So here is what You said–

You’re not on a day hike. You are not capturing the surface, the obvious, taking glimpses and glances. This is like a marathon journey, like hiking the A.T., like moving into a landscape to discover its nuances, its depth, its rhythms and seasons. Go with what draws you. It is okay to notice where others pause, stop, camp. Some of the same spots may draw you, too. But there will be many other spots where you are drawn to linger and they rush on, unseeing. Find your own touchstones. Photograph, draw, paint and write what speaks to you at the time. You have no idea how much joy some of those pictures, that you saw first in your heart, will bring others. That is why you were there. That was the touchstone.

So here it is, more than 10 years later. 

And here you are. What have you learned?

Well, one thing I am learning, is how consistent Your Voice is. I look back, I look within, You seem to be saying the same things. Another thing is, how I seem to need that reassurance, which I guess is why You keep saying the same things! 

This is part of what it means to run a marathon. You need stamina. You need water. You need to know that I Am in this with you for the long haul. Why do runners run?

Well, I know one thing. Not many run to win. Seriously. I know some marathoners, incredible people. They run to run. They run to finish. They run because they can.

So why do you photograph?

Because I love it. I love the way I feel, outside. I love everything about it. I sense You there. And I love to share the stories, later. I do. 

Your stories, as you call them, have such an impact because they are slices of real life, your life. So I would reassure you, you have many miles to go before you sleep. So sleep well, little one. You are doing well.

 

 

 

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Encouraging Words

Lord, recently I encouraged someone about college, and someone else about painting, and still someone else about a sister Nags Head gallery…Barnabas. I am still being Barnabas. I love that. It’s such a part of who I am.

It’s such a part of who I made you to be. Every time you give in to that impulse, you are yielding to Me. Every time you yield to Me, you allow the River to flow to someone else. It’s as if you are always doing a Rain Dance, always dancing the Sun Dance, seeing all those who come in your door as part of your larger tribe. And so they are. Your gift is this seeing and knowing, and your willingness to connect, to dance, even when you are tired. Even when concerns of various kinds come seeking your attention. By keeping your intention pure, you can–and do–do much good. You set your intention. I will supply the power, and the impetus, and the opportunity.

Lord, my intent is to bless.

Then Blessing you will be. You are the Blessing Way, personified, shown through the lens of a life, what you like to call an ordinary life. That unexpected Heron with its wings aglow in the setting sun–that’s you. That catch-your-breath beauty and centeredness, that sparks gratitude and joy and hope in others–that’s you. The Blessing Way is who you are, not just where you are going.