Category: Rest

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Art Journaling

I had a good day today. I did relax–I worked for a couple of hours in my art journal, which is creative, intuitive, spiritual and sometimes prophetic. The pages soothe my mind and soul when I cannot be outside, and today, though the weather was pretty enough, I felt I needed to just stay put at home. That decision meant I could also do some necessary mundane chores like laundry, and I was also available here if Pete needed me as he began to slowly make sense of the I-have-no-idea-where-anything-is that was his frame shop at the Nags Head gallery. The banner accomplishment for him today was to hook up the computerized mat cutter and determine that it handled the move admirably and is cutting nice straight sharp lines, as a mat cutter should. I know he is relieved about that. Then we sat in our swing for about an hour in late afternoon, just a-swinging. Really a perfect day.

I am always amazed when I sit down with my art journal and just let myself respond to whatever catches my interest. I thumbed back through pages I had collaged over the past couple of years. I tend to combine imagery and words in these pages. Sometimes I know exactly what I mean when I create them, and sometimes I have no idea why THIS should go with THAT. But later, the pattern I chose seemingly at random makes more sense. One thing I spotted on a page today was a pendant with an uplifting word. We wound up ordering something very similar from an American artist when we went to Philadelphia last February! I did not consciously recall putting that image on one of my pages, but it was there to remind me to pay attention to everything that tugs at my attention, however lightly. Whispers can mean as much as shouts, sometimes even more.

You are learning to listen to the Still Small Voice. Sometimes that Voice is My Own Voice, wooing you. And sometimes the voice you hear is your own. You have tended to devalue that voice, many times. But I find it precious. I Am glad you are beginning to listen to yourself and count your own thoughts and words as valid.

Lord, that reminds me. I had another sudden insight several days ago. I was thinking about how we humans do like to rank order. We put ourselves first, or last, or somewhere in the middle. And as I was thinking, I saw in my mind’s eye a vertical line, just a straight line, as if it were made up of humans, as if humanity were arranged in some sort of ladder-fashion. Who would be at the top and bottom? Where would each person fit in? We tend to think in all those terms. But then suddenly I saw instead a horizontal line, as if all of humanity were strung out like that old Cola commercial, holding hands, standing shoulder to shoulder. No rank-ordering. Every single person as important as the next, but each one an individual. And in that instant I realized, that is how You see us. All of us. Each of us and all of us and all at once. Not rank-ordered, but as individuals, and yet essentially a part of the whole, as You said the other day. No missing pieces. It was beautiful, actually, what I saw. 

More and more you are seeing the world as I see it and as it views itself. Which is reality, you wonder. The paradox is, both offer views of humanity that are realistic. Yet only My View is sustainable. The usual world’s view of itself is doomed to failure, sooner or later, because it is not based in Love. Any view not based in Love will eventually lead to an absence of all the other virtues, like Peace or Goodness or Kindness or Justice or Faith. You have the ability to hold both views at once, and to work and pray to help the view I see become truer and truer in your experience of reality. That is really all you can do, and it is hard work at times. But for all those who wish to work for Peace and Love and Justice, holding My View of the world is essential. So the next time you are tempted to become impatient in line, or while on the road driving, remember how I see all of you. No one of you is more important–or less important–in My Eyes. Each of you is fully and completely Loved by Me. That does not mean I Love or Approve of everyone’s individual actions. Far from it! Love demands an honest scrutiny of motive and means, and humanity falls far short of Love most of the time. You see, it is My Love that sustains the Universe. Never mind some don’t accept that reality; that is the truth.

That reminds me suddenly of some old joke, God, or something. How did it go?

What you are trying to remember is this. All humans may not believe in Me, but I believe in all humans. And that is humanity’s grace and your hope.

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3:30

After a decent night’s sleep, I woke up thinking about the period, a couple years back, when I suddenly seemed unable to wear a watch. Any watch. No matter what watch I put on, it would stop running. Take it off, lay it on the nightstand, and it would start again; put it back on, and it would stop. I met folks with similar experiences and we chalked it all up to something in our bodies’ electrical systems, or our salt balances, something. There had to be some explanation. Privately I thought maybe it was You trying to get my attention, to slow down maybe, or to give more heed to how I spent my hours. Whatever the cause or message, I finally found a watch I could wear and it kept time perfectly for at least 18 months. Until it didn’t. That very morning, the morning I woke up remembering how I stopped time, I reached for my watch after getting dressed to find it had quit running in the night! What sort of coincidence–or foreknowing–is that? To make the whole situation more interesting, my watch stopped at 3:30. It is a beautiful analog watch, so it doesn’t indicate a.m. or p.m. There it was, standing still at 3:30–which for my entire school life, from 1st through 12th grade, was the end of my school day. That time, 3:30, has always signaled school’s out, and a corresponding feeling of freedom. For 11 of those 12 years, 3:30 meant I could come out of my daily uniform (seniors were exempt) and get into “play clothes.” In earlier years, the day transitioned at 3:30 into a snack and play-time; in later years of course, there was homework to be done, and perhaps after school responsibilities and activities. Now, one of the shops I own has weekday shifts that change at 3:30 pm, as one set of folks ends their opening shift, and another begins what will be the closing shift. I stopped today and got a new battery and my watch is keeping perfect time again. But I just have to ask You–was this a coincidence? Or is there some larger message here, as I suspect?

For a brief period you had a chance to live as I live, Timeless. So much of your life is bound by time and ruled by time rather than by the events themselves.

God, I am suddenly remembering–we have talked about this before–taking a trip on a sailboat in the fall of 1982, and the captain took my watch when I climbed aboard. For this week, he said, you will drink when you are thirsty, eat when you are hungry, and sleep when you are sleepy. I was almost panicky at first. Of course there were no cell phones, so work could not reach me, and in fact, my employer at the time had already recognized my tendencies toward overwork and my need for a break. 

And here we are. Again. Looking together at your tendency toward overwork and your need for a break. How was your playdate?

What playdate? The one You invited me to? Well…I don’t know where it went. I mean, I worked past the end of my shift, for one thing. I didn’t stop at 3:30! So all of a sudden when I did leave, I had stops to make, and it was a hustle just getting them done before I got home for dinner. As it was, I didn’t make the bank, so that had to be put off until today. After dinner I did play my guitar for a bit, not long, but that felt wonderful.

Why did you stop?

I had bills to pay, checks to write. As it was, that took the rest of the evening. I quit about 11:40. I wasn’t finished but I was oh-so-done. And tired. I was tired. I am tired. 

So now you have a couple of days in which you have a choice. You can always find ways to fill your timecard with chores. The chores will always be present. You have to decide whether you are worthy, as an adult, as a responsible, diligent adult, of downtime. Of rest and recreation and play. I Am not going to force it on you, and I Am not going to cause illness if you don’t. But understand this. Your body was never meant to run at a gallop, day after day after day, without resting. Neither was your mind and neither was your heart. Something will eventually give, not as punishment, not because I caused it, but because you are wearing yourself out prematurely. Your battery inevitably runs down. You can prolong its life, you can prolong your life, and the quality of your life, by paying attention to some essentials. Play is an essential you tend to neglect. So why don’t you take another look at your weekend, and truly make it a weekend? Think back to your childhood glee at 3:30, or better yet, at the last day of school, and let’s try to rekindle some of that excitement in your very adult life.

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Barren vs. Bountiful

Lord, I know we just talked about sailing. About sending out dispatches. Today I am seeing this vast field, a field of abundance, of plenty. And part of the plenty is Joy, and part of the Joy is in knowing there is plenty, knowing there is abundance, knowing there is more than enough for everyone. I am at the edge of this incredible field, and I am laughing, because it stretches beyond the horizon. There is so much, so much, and I step in, one tiny person in the midst of Huge, and I am giddy with the impact of the scale of the vastness. I can’t mess it up or ruin it. I can enjoy it and invite everyone–everyone–in. We can all spread out; we won’t crowd each other here. This is a place of provision, of joy, and of delight. I wander nomadic and find within this field groves filled with fruit. Sunny glades. Peaks of piercing beauty. This is like heaven, a feast for each sense. Lord, thank You for this field. Is FIELD an acronym? Something You want to tell me? I can’t figure out the D. What are some good, great D words? Like Decide. Or Devotion. Or Delight, as I just said. L can be Live or Love or Learn or Light. Luminous. Land. D for Day, too. For F I thought of Find. Could be Follow. Could be Faith. Whatever it means, I can still see it, still feel it. F is for Feelings, too. Everyone I have ever loved is here. And “here” they are whole, hence happy. Complete. There is no striving or straining. I can see this exists; is this only afterlife? Is this only a place whose door is death, into this life? I see barrenness now. Is that like our earthly life?

Barrenness is life for so many. They try to scratch out an existence in a void, in a vacuum. The field is a metaphor for what I intended life to be–a continuum, life here on earth in union with Me into what you call afterlife, in union with Me. I never pictured or created or intended the barrenness. I am Creator, not destroyer. I am Finisher, too. When people are living in Barrenness, they haven’t come far enough forward.

Think of the Creation Story differently. Think of it as a metaphor for your awareness, physically and spiritually, with increasing understanding, resources and companionship. There is always an adding-to, a building-on. Think of your life this way. What Day are you in now? The Sixth Day–you see yourself as toiling, as having to toil. It is all here, everything you need, but you think you have to toil for it. That creates barrenness in your thinking and in your heart. Move into the Seventh Day–rest. The day when you enjoy, where your life flows, where it runs like clockwork, smoothly, oiled by My Spirit. Trust My Oversight. You can play in the field. You think you have to bring in great lights and work all night. I mean you to have fun, joy, delight.

FIELD is a place of Fun. Inspiration. Enjoyment–and Enlightenment. Laughter–and Love. Delight. That’s the FIELD. Your tractor–the camera, say–is to help you explore with ease, not exploit, not even engineer. My Field doesn’t need engineering. Just exploring and enjoying. I say again, let Me surprise you. I have  waited, in human terms, a long time for those who will allow Me to delight them daily, to share My bountiful world, to play with Me. I am inviting you to be that someone, one of those someones who can model this lifestyle of freedom from fear, from worry, and from anxiety. Freedom to play and revel and run and laugh. Let your body be covered in butterflies. Frolic. The Field is a place of frolic. Even your rest will be energized, alert and attuned, so there is no more fatigue. I want you to be more than sustained. I want you thriving.

Speaking of bulletins, you get bulletins every day from Barrenness. Pay them no mind; they are in a foreign language. Allow yourself to lose the ability to translate or to understand. Speak in tongues, literally and metaphorically, and learn the new language whose underlying structure is laughter. Live it here. Live it now. You don’t have to wait. You don’t have to be in Ocracoke, or in Florida. You don’t have to be out west. Call it in. Approach everyone and everything with love, and you are filled with love. My Love does not run out, or dwindle, or dissipate, or dim. It increases. The taller you get, the bigger the Field is. You will never outgrow it. Revel and roll like a young child. This is your world. This is your every day, your “this day,” your today. Your now, Now. NOW.

Now? Wow. You have said these sorts of words to me before, Lord. I recognize pieces and parts from years back, even. And I think I hear You, and then I forget. I slip back. I’m sorry.

Just keep your ear, your eyes, and your heart open. I will never stop calling to you, and if you let Me, I will never stop calling through you.

Ok, Lord. Ok. 

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Walking Alongside

God, I am so grateful we had the chance to get away, even if the time was short. We saw lots of pelicans—You know how I love them—and rode the beach, looking for dolphin, which we did not see, and shell beds, which we did find at low tide. No big whelks, but a couple small ones, three olive shells, a slough of scallop shells, one large starfish, AND a purple starfish—which brought me right back to our first anniversary on Ocracoke, and finding all those purple starfish 20 years ago. Somewhere in all my film images is a photograph of me, looking delighted, holding a purple starfish. I felt that exact same delight this week!  We heard a couple of our favorite Ocracoke musicians play live at a local restaurant one night, and ate lots of good local seafood while we were there. We saw a full moonrise and a warm, gentle sunset glow over the harbor and sound and sea. And we did relax, I know that.

 This afternoon we continued our sort of laid back vibe with lunch on the deck at Coastal Cantina, and then we came home and sat on our own porch in our own swing, just content. I think what makes vacation idyllic is the absence—if only briefly—from the myriad of responsibilities we both take on when we are home. I say that and pause, listening. Kaylee just grunted, happily napping. The sound of the compressor is cutting off and on, telling me he is in the garage making a frame. Both the washer and dryer have stopped, prompting me to get up and switch loads and start a new one. Just little things, noises of our daily lives. But it felt good to have different sounds in our ears—laughing gulls vying for attention, and the loud horn of the ferry to Cedar Island, and the whoosh of breaking and receding water.

Now back at a sprawling hill of paperwork, I know we are going to need Your help to stay balanced and connected, especially as we, I mean he, works to clear his framing equipment out of our Nags Head spot. I love the busyness of summer, Lord, I do. I just don’t want to get lost in the pace. I keep telling myself, come his birthday, the move will be over and we will settle into yet another new routine. I pray it is gentler for him, God. Still productive—he needs that, needs the sense of that—but gentler. Honestly, I wasn’t sure we would ever get to take another vacation, even a mini vacation away, so these few days were beyond a treat. Which brings me back around to where I began, with Thank You.

 

You easily let yourself become burdened. You take on the angst of others, from family and friends to the world, and it is much too heavy for you. You are not Atlas. Your shoulders were never meant to bear such weight.

What about sympathy and compassion, God? I know You told me before, not to be an empath, per se. But what about compassion?

What else did I say?

Ha, to show mercy with cheerfulness. But You also said to weep with those who weep.

And…

And to rejoice with those who rejoice.

Every day, you can find reasons to weep. But every day, you can also find reasons to rejoice. Living solely in one realm or the other is not only unbalanced, it is not fully honest. But too many in your circle tend to live more focused on the reasons to weep than the reasons to rejoice. Some react with depression, some with cynicism, some with sarcasm, some with despair. Because there are also reasons to rejoice, I Am asking you to react with hope. To react with faith. To meet life’s challenges with an assurance that is grounded in My Love for you—and for everyone around you. I Am asking you to keep walking, to not give up—and that means, to keep hope alive for your business and for your most precious relationships. Continue to ask Me for ways that you and Pete can celebrate your love for each other while in the middle of a busy and sometimes stressful life. Ask Me for ways you two can rejoice together. You have had your share, and more than your share, of weeping together—and weeping alone. It is okay to ask Me to help you rejoice, to find those happenings in your lives together to rejoice over.

Lord, sometimes it seems as if our world together is shrinking. Like today, sitting on that swing.

And how did you feel in those moments?

Content. Truly content. He was feeling okay—that is a big issue for me, how he is feeling physically moment to moment. Maybe I shouldn’t let that influence my emotional mood, but honestly, it does. If he feels good, I can feel my whole body unwind and settle down. I think…I think I have become hyper-vigilant, and not in a good way necessarily. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wanting to make sure I am right there to catch him if he falls—literally! As if I could. I hear myself sometimes and I just want to say to myself, be quiet already! Let the man be! But then I think, if I don’t watch out for him, who will? I feel like I am not doing my job, if I am not watching him like a hawk every minute.

And where does your joy go, in your vigilance?

Sheesh, out the proverbial clichéd window! Seriously, it just evaporates.

Then what makes you think your response is any part of My Will for you? Follow the Joy. Follow the Peace. Follow the Love. You think you are being loving, but actually you have elevated your worry and your stress over how he feels and tried to convince yourself these are spiritual, lofty responses. But they aren’t. They are very human responses to very real concerns. But don’t make the mistake of calling your worry or your stress faith. You know it isn’t. You know it doesn’t flow from the same place your contentment of this afternoon flowed from.

Ok, so this is not the direction I pictured this discussion going, but thank You. And I have a question. How AM I supposed to take care of him?

 Well, not by assuming he cannot care for himself. And not by thinking your watchfulness will prevent anything or everything that you might label as “bad” from happening. Eve, your bodies are aging, both of you. Eventually the shell and cocoon all of you inhabit now will be swallowed up in a blissful eternity. That is not something to fear—you know that. It is not something to dread—you know that, too. And the reason I Am saying this now is, your worry, your stress, your fear, your dread are robbing you, both of you, of moments right now. Moments like this afternoon’s, in your swing. If you can find the courage and the peace within yourself to truly let go, and determine to rejoice in all there is to rejoice over, and to revel in every peaceful and joyful moment, you will first of all enjoy your days more, and second, receive the strength you need when the time comes that you do have to assume more of a caregiving role than you need to now. You found that strength with your folks, so you know what I mean. For now, rejoice more. Laugh more. Play more. Flow more. Think of these days and weeks and months, all your latter years together, like a halcyon Indian Summer. Just revel in your time together. You already have had more years than you initially hoped for. Keep enjoying all your minutes together. Find reasons to rejoice and watch the joy in your lives, in both your lives, increase again.

I can’t carry him.

You cannot. You will both fall, if you try. But you CAN walk alongside him, which is all he really wants. It is all I Am asking of you, too. And if you look deep in your own heart, it is also all you want, all you long for. Just walk alongside.

 

 

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Respite

This is really a note to my many faithful, encouraging, supportive and questing alongside with me readers. Pete and I are taking a much-needed little getaway, just a few days. As with my trip with staff back in February, although my inner and journaled dialog with God won’t be taking a break, I will be taking a break from blogging so that we can fully enjoy all the precious minutes of this time together.

Those of you who have followed Now Through A Glass from its beginning last summer (and those who have known me far longer than that) know that I struggle with balance, with rest, and with giving myself permission to just be, just relax. Pete has those same struggles, so taking time off together often gets put where it least belongs, behind all the other must-do tasks and chores. I will check back in when we return, sometime later next week.

Meanwhile, maybe this can be a time when you devote the minutes you would spend reading the daily entries to jotting down some of your own thoughts, questions, joys, gratitudes, or sorrows, and then listening for an answering thought. That is the way my morning dialogs began. Perhaps today, a phrase that rang through my childhood, will be the day yours begins or deepens too.

Peace be with you. 

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Rest and Refreshing

God, I’m tired. I say that a lot, I know. I can’t seem to get past that. I think I need to find better ways to relax. More relaxing ways. Or better ways to get more done when I am in the doing, so I don’t finish days with more tasks than I had when I started. So I am sitting here typing, and pausing, and putting my head in my hands, and taking a deep breath, and then typing another sentence. I don’t want to let You down. I don’t want to let them down either, all the them in my life, Lord. And I am not a mom of a newborn, or caring for ailing parents, though I have lived both of those. So what in the world is my problem?

If you went to the doctor, and she diagnosed a condition, and gave you medication, and you began to take it and to feel better, and then you abandoned the medication, quit the regimen of diet or exercise or routine she prescribed, why would you be surprised if you relapsed into your prior condition?

Are You saying that is what I have done? What I am doing?

Look at you. Look at your routine. You know what works best in your life. What have you abandoned, that you know works?

Well, Morning Pages. I wouldn’t say abandoned, but I do seem to have drifted into a new habit of trying to cram one more task into the morning, and then dash out the door late, or nearly so. And Morning Pages work. They center me, they connect me with You in a deliberate set-aside time. I am always talking to You throughout the day, but there is something about my journaling time in the morning that sets my inner compass, I like to say. And for the past couple of weeks, for decent reasons maybe, I haven’t gotten to the page every day. I have skipped a number of days actually. So there’s that.

What else?

I started writing out my gratitudes again at bedtime. And again, every time I pick up that notebook I am chagrined and kind of amazed to see a couple days have passed when I didn’t write them down. I don’t even know how that happens; it is–was–part of my bedtime routine.

But you are staying up later and later, and then trying to rush to bed. Not very relaxing a practice.

No. And for a while, all we watched when we did watch TV was happy-ending shows. Especially over the holidays and into the New Year. But now, I would say more than half the TV shows are, not violent, the ones I watch anyway, but troubling. The stories are more true to life maybe, but I think I am carrying the burden of those stories into my sleep time.

You think?

I know. I seem sensitive that way. So if we watch shows about family conflict, or shows where folks are always dying, like the medical shows, gosh, God, I am more tired than when I sat down!

Here is what you must ask yourself: does this refresh my spirit? When you truly rest, you are refreshed. Your body’s fatigue is actually mirroring a soul fatigue, a spirit fatigue.

Lord, I can see that! That makes sense to me. So I keep thinking I need to rest my body more…

When what you really need is to make sure you are resting and refreshing your spirit and your soul. Why don’t you spend the next few minutes, before bedtime, trying to do that? What would rest your spirit, your soul, right now?

Honestly, I think music would. I think beautiful imagery would.

Why don’t you find some music on the computer, play that in the background, and look at some scenic photos or videos? That will do you more good than you can imagine. Then take those few minutes right before sleep to jot down some gratitudes. If you wake more rested, you will be able to rise at your normal time and have the time you need to journal as well as to get ready for your workday. Focus these next days on resting your spirit, resting and refreshing your soul and watch what happens in your body and in your thinking, your mind.

Ok, Lord. I will.

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Rest and Reset

Well, the internet is out so I feel disconnected. Good thing You don’t waver, or wobble, or sputter, or just quit in a fit of pique. God, You really are amazing, like the songs say. You keep plugged in to our messy, noisy world, and our messy, noisy hearts. I think all I can think of to say about that is Thank You. It feels strange, being cut off. I need to upload photos for an ad I am on deadline for. I need to correspond with more than one artist. I need to remote in and check inventory for another artist. None of that can I do. So the fact that I cannot work leads me straight to remembering the playfulness of today, which was a surprise. As soon as I got out of the car I noticed three or four hearts scattered about the pavement—oil patterns, moisture patterns, leaves, trash… and that continued at the next stop, and the next. At some point I realized that my spotting them felt different somehow, as if You were playing with me, a kind of holy hide-and-seek, although these were easy to spot, like very young children running around and finding “hidden” colorful eggs in the yard. God-Play. I am so grateful for the notion I can scarcely express it!
 

Yes, you needed a dose of playful fun today. How did playing make you feel?

It energized me actually. The more I spotted hearts, even when I wasn’t overtly looking for them, the lighter my own heart felt. Wow, play as energy. Never thought of that, either.
 
And how do you feel now?

I feel the sort of tired I like to call good-tired. Actually, it is the same sort of tired after a very satisfying day outside, in fresh air. Thank You.

…And voila, the internet is back! Not without effort, though the tech support gal was friendly and genuinely supportive and helpful. One more modem reset later and I am connected again. So this immediately prompts an analogy: the reset button, how I need that myself. Sometimes, a lot! And how reset is almost spelled like rest. Hmmm.

So when you feel disconnected, you need to reset, and to rest. You don’t need to resist.

Resist?

Yes, you need to REST in what IS. You don’t have to fight it to change it. Resting in what is does not mean accepting something unacceptable, like bad service or bad behavior, even from yourself. It does mean acknowledging the reality in order to find the point of change. Change can be as simple as pushing the reset button.

In order to reconnect.

In order to re-establish from your own end a connection that always was present. The internet was not out on her end, was it?

No.

And there was no widespread outage as you once surmised.

No.

So the issue was entirely on your end, on your reception. And for that, you needed a reset.

Lord, is that like remembering what I already know? Like St. Paul says, writing the same things is not a bother to me and it is helpful for you. Like that?

Do you think that My saying the same things is a bother to Me?

I don’t know. Maybe, sometimes. Sometimes I think, I should be past reminding. Past needing a reset button!!

You know your own skin replenishes itself, sloughs off and rejuvenates repeatedly. In that process, you keep your own set of fingerprints. They don’t change. Think about that. A feature, unique to you in all the world, and through thousands of cycles of change in your lifetime, they remain your own. If the human body can refresh its outward appearance, yet remain itself, why can’t you refresh your soul and spirit, so as to remain your best self?

You are talking about fingerprints…and that makes me feel even worse, because I have been picking my fingers. As You know. As I am ashamed to admit.

Here is how I view that behavior: as a signal there is something disrupting the transmission between My Heart and yours. All I see in your behavior is a kind of static that distorts not so much My Voice–you are hearing Me clearly enough now–but your own. You tend to revert when you start to doubt yourself, when you question or second-guess yourself, or when you imagine others, especially those closest to you, are somehow hyper critical of your choices. You began the practice in early childhood over the sense that you were not smart enough for your father and not quite the young lady-child your mother wanted. You internalized those non-verbal feelings very young and never found a way to speak them, much less to hear what they might have answered. So I shall speak to those feelings, and on their behalf, right now. Are you ready?

Gosh. I don’t know what to say. I think so. I trust You, I know that. 

The truth is, you were smarter, quicker, than your dad knew what to do with. He was raised to be competitive, and in the scheme of his birth family, to be the loser as the youngest brother. Imagine how he felt when his own child began to manifest evidence of a mind that hungered to learn and that synthesized meaning in ways he had never thought of. Mostly he was afraid he would lose you, lose your love. The truth is, once your creative gifts began to show, and once you began to be more at home outside in nature than inside playing with dolls, your mom did not know what to do, either. She was raised in an era that delineated clear roles for women and for men, with skill sets common to each role. You didn’t seem to have either the skills or the interests, so she, too, was afraid that you two would somehow grow apart if she encouraged you too much in being different than she was. By the time you were a teenager, they could not have been more proud of you, but by then, you had absorbed the ideals of perfect performance as a way to please them, and everyone else around you. What that did was rob you of knowing how much you were loved just for being yourself. By then, the pressure you were putting on yourself was much greater than either of them realized, and as I told you recently, you have carried this pressure for most of your life. It is much harder for you to live responsibly without that sense of pressure than it is for many others. And true to form, you take that pressure out on yourself. You internalize it, and then you expect more of yourself than you should, and then you are angry with yourself for not “doing better” and all the while it is easy to assume I Am the One setting such high standards. This is why it is no bother for Me to keep repeating to you, over and over and over, I Am with you, I Love you, and perhaps most important, I accept you and I release you. You can be yourself with Me. Your funny, witty, creative, thoughtful, goofy, happy-go-lucky, pollyanna self, the self you imagine others would like only parts of, you can be all of you, with Me. Don’t disconnect. Don’t let the static drown out your own voice. It is Music in My ears, truly. Set yourself free. Even if you have to do it over and over, set yourself free. As you said recently about prayer, One More Time.

Thank You, Lord. You have given me a lot to think about. I feel relaxed now. Even my tight calf muscles feel more relaxed. Somehow I think I can sleep, now.

Yes, little one. Sleep. Rest in My Love.

 

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A Time to Sleep

Lord, You’ve said I can ask You anything, tell You anything and everything, be with You in and through everything.

Yes?

So, I got nothing.

What do you mean by nothing?

Ha, somehow that reminds me of a line from e.e.cummings, what got him was nothing… but this isn’t that exactly. I think I am just tired, and tired of saying I’m just tired, and feeling like a stuck record, repeating the same worn few notes over and over. I’m tired, I’m tired. The more I say I am tired, the tireder I feel. But to say I have boundless energy! I have amazing stamina! sounds so fake, so false. So do I tell the truth and focus on what is wrong, or what is lacking, or do I lie and say everything is great, if it isn’t?

You are seeing in dualities again. You are confusing truth, reality, perception and your limited experience, and failing to see the third way.

The third way? There is a third way about fatigue?

Of course. The third way is a paradox, both/and instead of either/or. So you are thinking you need to say EITHER I am tired OR I am energized. Why don’t you think what would be a more truthful, and fuller truth statement?

I started the day feeling bleary, got some energy from somewhere but am very tired again now.

And what time is it now?

Almost bedtime.

And you think you should be overflowing with energy because…why exactly? If you had the boundless energy you wish you had, you would only work yourself to a more serious exhaustion. There is the daily tired of tasks done, energy expended, which only needs a good night’s sleep to restore. There is the deeper soul-tired, like the kind that comes with significant times of challenge, challenging relationships or work stress, or financial pressure, or a health issue, maybe even a crisis. You think you are soul-tired but really, your body is tired, your mind is tired, your eyes are tired, and all of that needs consistent good nights of sleep. That’s all. Your soul is not tired. Your soul knows its Source and truthfully, you are working as hard as you are precisely because your soul is not tired. Your soul is receiving enough energy to keep your body and spirit going. All you really need is several nights of truly good sleep. See, that thought made you smile. Your needs and wants really are quite modest. So why don’t you try a third way statement about how you feel?

Ok, how about this: Lord, thank You for today. We are busy, but I still managed to deal with some of the inventory. I was able to connect, even if only briefly, with several customers even though the day was busy overall. I know my body needs rest and refreshing in order to perform at peak. Or even just to stay healthy enough to perform at all. So I am tired tonight, but it is the fatigue that comes from lots of tasks done and the realization there is much more left to do. I am going to bed soon, so I would like to ask Your blessing on my resting, that my sleep might be truly restful, that my body and soul and spirit may each rest and replenish their energy. There. How’s that?

Better. That is honest, acknowledging the truth of how you feel and what you need. That is all I Am asking you to do in these focused times we have together. Be real, be honest, tell Me–which really means, acknowledging in your own hearing as You tell Me–how you feel, where you are, and ask Me to be with you in whatever state you find yourself. I Am there anyway, but I am limited in how I can help you without your cooperation and openness. So when you ask Me for hep, you are opening yourself to My input. That is where change and miracles happen, through your open door.  You know how you say to yourself, I am dog-tired? Think about your dog, how she sleeps, how she eats, how she greets you at the end of her long waiting day, how she plays when she is feeling well. Whatever she is doing, she is all-in. She is completely immersed in that activity. Your attempts to multi-task, even how you try to keep thinking work thoughts when you are supposed to be relaxing, is not helping you, it is actually hindering your ability to get things done. So when it is time to rest, rest. Rest with your whole body and your whole heart. Be like the animals are, and rest in confidence and trust, and see how much better you feel at the start of your day.

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Balancing Act

God, these times with You, they are like parentheses around my day, only what happens in between isn’t parenthetical, it’s integral. It’s the whole point! But You anchor me, before the day starts and near its closing. These times with You are like breathing for me, I take in, I release; I release, I take in. I can’t do one without the other. I can’t say Please without Thank You. Is this why people talk about Yin/Yang, about balance?

There are many ways to think about balance. You often think about balancing work and rest, or time alone with time spent with others. You think of a seesaw and wonder where the center point is, trying to measure your hours to find the middle. But what if one side is more heavily weighted than the other? What is the balance point then? I have told you before, one reason I gave Sabbath to humans was that rest was needed to balance work. You have taken that concept to mean, a lot of work, a little rest. Soon, little became even smaller, and then shrunk to almost none. This is not at all what I meant!

What centers you? What energizes you? What pulls and tugs at you in a way that weighs you down? What frees you so that you feel weightless and timeless? You have to answer all these questions for yourself, and your answers will change depending on circumstances. There is no single right answer, not for humanity, not even for you and your life. The answer is always moving just as the balance point is always moving, depending on the load of the day and the need of the moment. There are times when six days of rest are needed to counterbalance the weight of one day of work, of effort! This is why it is so important that you stay closely connected. You keep trying to fit into a cookie cutter life, a set schedule, a “now-I-have-it-figured-out” routine. None of those will work. For one, you would quickly get bored. Humanity in general, and you in particular are not cut out for a cookie cutter life. Same/same doesn’t serve your best, or others’. Instead, growth and freshness, and surprises, and opportunities, and change, and challenge—all those words you love sometimes and loathe sometimes—they are what make life interesting and worth getting up every morning to enter.

Every day at the start of the day, I want you to ask yourself these questions:

What is my best hope for this day? Not “every day” in general, but this day? What would bring me joy, today? How can I show love today and inspire peace, today?

Then at the end of each day, I want you to ask, what is my greatest gratitude today? What was the day’s best gift? If I had one do-over, what would that be, and why?

Then I want you to receive and release – receive the day, and release the day. Receive the next day, and release all prior days. Receive whatever you need from Me, in each today – strength, or hope, or grace, or wisdom, or guidance, or peace, or patience, or perseverance, or love, or joy, or peace, or faith…and then release to Me whatever you need to let go of or celebrate at the end of every day, whether fatigue or joy of accomplishment, whether regret or satisfaction, whether sorrow or deep gladness. Receive from Me and release to Me, like your breathing. And for each point of release, receive again. For regret receive grace and wisdom; for fatigue receive rest and replenishment, for sorrow receive comfort and mercy. For joy of accomplishment hear My echo of Well Done! For satisfaction or deep gladness, receive the capacity to hold even more. For the deep desire within you to serve, to be of use, receive direction to carry into each tomorrow.

This is the secret to balance. Receive and release; release and receive. If you can learn to feel your balance point and find it in the moment, you will be much less tired overall, and you will both enter and end each day more in tune with yourself, with Me, and with all that your life demands of you.

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The Gift of Silence

Sometimes, like right now, I can’t think of anything in particular to say, or ask. So what would You say? What would You say about that?

You come here to the Page to listen. It is okay to come to Me and just breathe. How often do you really do that? We don’t always have to speak to be heard. Remember, I know your thoughts, even before you do. I know your heart, I know your mind, I know your body’s strengths and weaknesses and challenges. I see your successes before they happen and I see your stumbling in time to catch you before you fall. You don’t need words to get My attention. I Am riveted by you, My attention is fixed on you — on all of you — every single second of every single day. You can scarcely fathom such Love or such attention. So don’t try to be what you are not. Don’t strive to be profound when what you really want and need is some rest. Just keep being real and honest with yourself, and that will keep you intentionally real and honest with Me also.