Category: Renewal

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Solitude and Service

God, I had an aha moment today. A friend halfway around the world and I were texting–have I thanked You lately for the technology that, first, allowed us to find each other after 40 years, and second, allows us to so easily keep in touch–anyway, we were texting and she asked me if I am an introvert. And I replied that yes, I am. Here is, basically, what I said to her, what led up to my eureka. 

I love people, I said. I love talking to people, getting to know folks, sharing with them, and I think I am a born storyteller. HOWEVER, all that being true, it is also true that I recharge in solitude. That is, in solitude deliberately spent one-on-one with You, and preferably, outside. I need time and space, I said. I need alone time precisely to fill up again so that I can go back into the world and give out, give-away. And then, depleted, I need to go back into solitude to recharge, and be able to go back to my public life. Finally, I noted that I always feel as if I need to apologize for wanting alone time, for feeling that I need it, and I don’t know how to really ask for what I want, what it seems I need.

Then I said how this whole conundrum reminded me of something Richard Rohr wrote about Jesus, how Jesus needed His time alone in communion with the Father in order to go out into the world and minister. That was my aha moment. If Jesus needed time “alone” — meaning, not with the crowds but not even with His disciples either — then surely it is okay if I do. No wonder I feel out of balance, or unrested. I am not honoring the process at all! It was exciting, actually, to have a door of understanding swing so easily open. What is not so easy is trying to explain it to all the people in my life who rely on me for so many different things–or whose life experience or personality is different enough from mine that they genuinely have no frame of reference to understand what I need, or why I need it.  So what would You say about that?

Richard Rohr goes on to write about creativity, about the need for solitude and recharge time as well as time immersed in the world for creativity to flourish. That is certainly true of you, and it explains why you feel stymied creatively much of the time. What I told you recently about healing and restoring the part of you that is a writer is tied directly to this need you have to both go within and without. This is the Way to find your path within prayerful solitude, the path that leads directly to the making a difference you so passionately want to do, in your world. It is a circular sort of path, not unlike a labyrinth, in that you will constantly be circling back through solitude and out into the world, as long as you remain committed both to Me and to the calling you sense so strongly, to share. You have thought these were opposites instead of two essential halves making up a whole, a whole life. Instead of either/or, this is another both/and, and the combination makes The Third Way. It is not selfish of you to need time alone; it is essential. I made you for this. Let that sink in. I made you, as you are. I made you to need, to crave, time apart, and I made you to long to give to others. Let the war within you cease now. Embrace the totality of who you are, who I have made you to be, and be. Be fully, deeply both/and.

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3:30

After a decent night’s sleep, I woke up thinking about the period, a couple years back, when I suddenly seemed unable to wear a watch. Any watch. No matter what watch I put on, it would stop running. Take it off, lay it on the nightstand, and it would start again; put it back on, and it would stop. I met folks with similar experiences and we chalked it all up to something in our bodies’ electrical systems, or our salt balances, something. There had to be some explanation. Privately I thought maybe it was You trying to get my attention, to slow down maybe, or to give more heed to how I spent my hours. Whatever the cause or message, I finally found a watch I could wear and it kept time perfectly for at least 18 months. Until it didn’t. That very morning, the morning I woke up remembering how I stopped time, I reached for my watch after getting dressed to find it had quit running in the night! What sort of coincidence–or foreknowing–is that? To make the whole situation more interesting, my watch stopped at 3:30. It is a beautiful analog watch, so it doesn’t indicate a.m. or p.m. There it was, standing still at 3:30–which for my entire school life, from 1st through 12th grade, was the end of my school day. That time, 3:30, has always signaled school’s out, and a corresponding feeling of freedom. For 11 of those 12 years, 3:30 meant I could come out of my daily uniform (seniors were exempt) and get into “play clothes.” In earlier years, the day transitioned at 3:30 into a snack and play-time; in later years of course, there was homework to be done, and perhaps after school responsibilities and activities. Now, one of the shops I own has weekday shifts that change at 3:30 pm, as one set of folks ends their opening shift, and another begins what will be the closing shift. I stopped today and got a new battery and my watch is keeping perfect time again. But I just have to ask You–was this a coincidence? Or is there some larger message here, as I suspect?

For a brief period you had a chance to live as I live, Timeless. So much of your life is bound by time and ruled by time rather than by the events themselves.

God, I am suddenly remembering–we have talked about this before–taking a trip on a sailboat in the fall of 1982, and the captain took my watch when I climbed aboard. For this week, he said, you will drink when you are thirsty, eat when you are hungry, and sleep when you are sleepy. I was almost panicky at first. Of course there were no cell phones, so work could not reach me, and in fact, my employer at the time had already recognized my tendencies toward overwork and my need for a break. 

And here we are. Again. Looking together at your tendency toward overwork and your need for a break. How was your playdate?

What playdate? The one You invited me to? Well…I don’t know where it went. I mean, I worked past the end of my shift, for one thing. I didn’t stop at 3:30! So all of a sudden when I did leave, I had stops to make, and it was a hustle just getting them done before I got home for dinner. As it was, I didn’t make the bank, so that had to be put off until today. After dinner I did play my guitar for a bit, not long, but that felt wonderful.

Why did you stop?

I had bills to pay, checks to write. As it was, that took the rest of the evening. I quit about 11:40. I wasn’t finished but I was oh-so-done. And tired. I was tired. I am tired. 

So now you have a couple of days in which you have a choice. You can always find ways to fill your timecard with chores. The chores will always be present. You have to decide whether you are worthy, as an adult, as a responsible, diligent adult, of downtime. Of rest and recreation and play. I Am not going to force it on you, and I Am not going to cause illness if you don’t. But understand this. Your body was never meant to run at a gallop, day after day after day, without resting. Neither was your mind and neither was your heart. Something will eventually give, not as punishment, not because I caused it, but because you are wearing yourself out prematurely. Your battery inevitably runs down. You can prolong its life, you can prolong your life, and the quality of your life, by paying attention to some essentials. Play is an essential you tend to neglect. So why don’t you take another look at your weekend, and truly make it a weekend? Think back to your childhood glee at 3:30, or better yet, at the last day of school, and let’s try to rekindle some of that excitement in your very adult life.

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Come Apart

So, Lord, this is really strange, but I feel as if I need to talk to You about it. And maybe to everyone reading, too. Last night, at some point close to bedtime, I thought I heard You say, Take a break. And honestly, although it sounded like Your Voice inside, I dismissed it as just me, and I rejected the idea practically out of hand. I didn’t, I don’t want to take a break. I don’t want to let anyone down. And I certainly don’t intend to take a break from talking to You!! So it didn’t make any sense. Then this morning, without consciously thinking about it, I thought I heard those same words again, this time followed by, Regroup. So I have to ask: is this You? Why take a break? And regroup for what?

Yes, that was Me. You have been putting pressure on yourself I never intended. This wasn’t meant to be any sort of burden; this was meant to share the joy you and I have in our sharing together. And what have I counseled you to do, recently?

Well, you said to work on writing a creed. Write a creed with You. And You’ve talked before about writing out a Vision Quest, and I felt as if You were saying that again. Because, honestly, I never actually did that. Not really. Pieces and parts, maybe, but not in a total sense.

Even Jesus drew apart with His disciples, and drew apart for times of private prayer. I Am asking you to draw apart, a little while. Let Me re-engage your writer.

But aren’t I engaged already?

You are very sensitive to our dialog, yes. But that is only part of what I have to give you, and what you have to give the world. I never meant for you to neglect that part of you that writes beyond dialog.

Beyond dialog?

Yes. You photograph inspired by Me, but not directed by Me, as if you were a student completing an assignment. You write music inspired by Me but not composed or dictated by Me. You speak from your heart, inspired by Me, but not lip-syncing, not speaking from some Divine Teleprompter, or reciting a memorized speech written by someone else, even if that Someone Else is Me. Your photographs, your music, and your spoken words are all inspired, yes–but they are fully yours. One outcome of this work, this blog, that I never intended, is that you have once again laid down your writing self, thinking I mean only to dictate to you. No, dearest little one. I mean for you to even more fully develop your writing gifts, and to be willing to share, not only these dialogs, these moments of connection with Me, but also your own fully formed heart, through written words, with the world. And in order for that to happen, for you to feel fully comfortable in that role, you need to come apart for just a little while.

What is a little while, Lord? And to be very clear, I mean, I need to be sure I understand, You are saying for me to take a break from posting for this come apart time?

Yes, that is what I Am calling you to do. There is a time to speak, and a time to refrain from speaking. I Am asking you to trust Me, and to refrain from speaking for a brief time so that when you resume, you will resume from a deeper and stronger and more assured place. You will be able to bring more of yourself to everything you write, not merely this.

How long, Lord? How long is a little time?

How long after the Ascension did the disciples wait, before Pentecost in the Upper Room?

Ten days.

Can you wait with Me ten days? Can you go about living your daily life and let Me empower you and your writing in fresh ways? Can you resume after a ten day break?

Yes, Lord, I reckon. If it is You asking me, then yes. I can wait. So June 1st, then. I resume June 1.

Yes, that is what I Am asking you to do. But as with anything I ask, the choice is yours. I will love you no less if you say no. I will continue to speak to you day by day if you say no. But if you can say yes, and come apart from THIS work for an even greater work, then your reach will increase. It is no coincidence that we talked yesterday about the missing piece. There are still parts of yourself that are missing, missing in action as it were. The reasons for that are complex and stretch way back in years. But if you can give Me these ten days, I promise you, much will be resolved and solved within you.  You will emerge from this time even clearer in your purpose and more assured in your place. So come apart with Me.

What else can I say? Yes, Lord. Yes. So I guess I will be back here June 1st.

Indeed you will, and refreshed in heart and spirit and word. You shall see.

Ok, Lord. I trust You. 

 

 

 

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Walking Alongside

God, I am so grateful we had the chance to get away, even if the time was short. We saw lots of pelicans—You know how I love them—and rode the beach, looking for dolphin, which we did not see, and shell beds, which we did find at low tide. No big whelks, but a couple small ones, three olive shells, a slough of scallop shells, one large starfish, AND a purple starfish—which brought me right back to our first anniversary on Ocracoke, and finding all those purple starfish 20 years ago. Somewhere in all my film images is a photograph of me, looking delighted, holding a purple starfish. I felt that exact same delight this week!  We heard a couple of our favorite Ocracoke musicians play live at a local restaurant one night, and ate lots of good local seafood while we were there. We saw a full moonrise and a warm, gentle sunset glow over the harbor and sound and sea. And we did relax, I know that.

 This afternoon we continued our sort of laid back vibe with lunch on the deck at Coastal Cantina, and then we came home and sat on our own porch in our own swing, just content. I think what makes vacation idyllic is the absence—if only briefly—from the myriad of responsibilities we both take on when we are home. I say that and pause, listening. Kaylee just grunted, happily napping. The sound of the compressor is cutting off and on, telling me he is in the garage making a frame. Both the washer and dryer have stopped, prompting me to get up and switch loads and start a new one. Just little things, noises of our daily lives. But it felt good to have different sounds in our ears—laughing gulls vying for attention, and the loud horn of the ferry to Cedar Island, and the whoosh of breaking and receding water.

Now back at a sprawling hill of paperwork, I know we are going to need Your help to stay balanced and connected, especially as we, I mean he, works to clear his framing equipment out of our Nags Head spot. I love the busyness of summer, Lord, I do. I just don’t want to get lost in the pace. I keep telling myself, come his birthday, the move will be over and we will settle into yet another new routine. I pray it is gentler for him, God. Still productive—he needs that, needs the sense of that—but gentler. Honestly, I wasn’t sure we would ever get to take another vacation, even a mini vacation away, so these few days were beyond a treat. Which brings me back around to where I began, with Thank You.

 

You easily let yourself become burdened. You take on the angst of others, from family and friends to the world, and it is much too heavy for you. You are not Atlas. Your shoulders were never meant to bear such weight.

What about sympathy and compassion, God? I know You told me before, not to be an empath, per se. But what about compassion?

What else did I say?

Ha, to show mercy with cheerfulness. But You also said to weep with those who weep.

And…

And to rejoice with those who rejoice.

Every day, you can find reasons to weep. But every day, you can also find reasons to rejoice. Living solely in one realm or the other is not only unbalanced, it is not fully honest. But too many in your circle tend to live more focused on the reasons to weep than the reasons to rejoice. Some react with depression, some with cynicism, some with sarcasm, some with despair. Because there are also reasons to rejoice, I Am asking you to react with hope. To react with faith. To meet life’s challenges with an assurance that is grounded in My Love for you—and for everyone around you. I Am asking you to keep walking, to not give up—and that means, to keep hope alive for your business and for your most precious relationships. Continue to ask Me for ways that you and Pete can celebrate your love for each other while in the middle of a busy and sometimes stressful life. Ask Me for ways you two can rejoice together. You have had your share, and more than your share, of weeping together—and weeping alone. It is okay to ask Me to help you rejoice, to find those happenings in your lives together to rejoice over.

Lord, sometimes it seems as if our world together is shrinking. Like today, sitting on that swing.

And how did you feel in those moments?

Content. Truly content. He was feeling okay—that is a big issue for me, how he is feeling physically moment to moment. Maybe I shouldn’t let that influence my emotional mood, but honestly, it does. If he feels good, I can feel my whole body unwind and settle down. I think…I think I have become hyper-vigilant, and not in a good way necessarily. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wanting to make sure I am right there to catch him if he falls—literally! As if I could. I hear myself sometimes and I just want to say to myself, be quiet already! Let the man be! But then I think, if I don’t watch out for him, who will? I feel like I am not doing my job, if I am not watching him like a hawk every minute.

And where does your joy go, in your vigilance?

Sheesh, out the proverbial clichéd window! Seriously, it just evaporates.

Then what makes you think your response is any part of My Will for you? Follow the Joy. Follow the Peace. Follow the Love. You think you are being loving, but actually you have elevated your worry and your stress over how he feels and tried to convince yourself these are spiritual, lofty responses. But they aren’t. They are very human responses to very real concerns. But don’t make the mistake of calling your worry or your stress faith. You know it isn’t. You know it doesn’t flow from the same place your contentment of this afternoon flowed from.

Ok, so this is not the direction I pictured this discussion going, but thank You. And I have a question. How AM I supposed to take care of him?

 Well, not by assuming he cannot care for himself. And not by thinking your watchfulness will prevent anything or everything that you might label as “bad” from happening. Eve, your bodies are aging, both of you. Eventually the shell and cocoon all of you inhabit now will be swallowed up in a blissful eternity. That is not something to fear—you know that. It is not something to dread—you know that, too. And the reason I Am saying this now is, your worry, your stress, your fear, your dread are robbing you, both of you, of moments right now. Moments like this afternoon’s, in your swing. If you can find the courage and the peace within yourself to truly let go, and determine to rejoice in all there is to rejoice over, and to revel in every peaceful and joyful moment, you will first of all enjoy your days more, and second, receive the strength you need when the time comes that you do have to assume more of a caregiving role than you need to now. You found that strength with your folks, so you know what I mean. For now, rejoice more. Laugh more. Play more. Flow more. Think of these days and weeks and months, all your latter years together, like a halcyon Indian Summer. Just revel in your time together. You already have had more years than you initially hoped for. Keep enjoying all your minutes together. Find reasons to rejoice and watch the joy in your lives, in both your lives, increase again.

I can’t carry him.

You cannot. You will both fall, if you try. But you CAN walk alongside him, which is all he really wants. It is all I Am asking of you, too. And if you look deep in your own heart, it is also all you want, all you long for. Just walk alongside.

 

 

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Respite

This is really a note to my many faithful, encouraging, supportive and questing alongside with me readers. Pete and I are taking a much-needed little getaway, just a few days. As with my trip with staff back in February, although my inner and journaled dialog with God won’t be taking a break, I will be taking a break from blogging so that we can fully enjoy all the precious minutes of this time together.

Those of you who have followed Now Through A Glass from its beginning last summer (and those who have known me far longer than that) know that I struggle with balance, with rest, and with giving myself permission to just be, just relax. Pete has those same struggles, so taking time off together often gets put where it least belongs, behind all the other must-do tasks and chores. I will check back in when we return, sometime later next week.

Meanwhile, maybe this can be a time when you devote the minutes you would spend reading the daily entries to jotting down some of your own thoughts, questions, joys, gratitudes, or sorrows, and then listening for an answering thought. That is the way my morning dialogs began. Perhaps today, a phrase that rang through my childhood, will be the day yours begins or deepens too.

Peace be with you. 

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Rest and Reset

Well, the internet is out so I feel disconnected. Good thing You don’t waver, or wobble, or sputter, or just quit in a fit of pique. God, You really are amazing, like the songs say. You keep plugged in to our messy, noisy world, and our messy, noisy hearts. I think all I can think of to say about that is Thank You. It feels strange, being cut off. I need to upload photos for an ad I am on deadline for. I need to correspond with more than one artist. I need to remote in and check inventory for another artist. None of that can I do. So the fact that I cannot work leads me straight to remembering the playfulness of today, which was a surprise. As soon as I got out of the car I noticed three or four hearts scattered about the pavement—oil patterns, moisture patterns, leaves, trash… and that continued at the next stop, and the next. At some point I realized that my spotting them felt different somehow, as if You were playing with me, a kind of holy hide-and-seek, although these were easy to spot, like very young children running around and finding “hidden” colorful eggs in the yard. God-Play. I am so grateful for the notion I can scarcely express it!
 

Yes, you needed a dose of playful fun today. How did playing make you feel?

It energized me actually. The more I spotted hearts, even when I wasn’t overtly looking for them, the lighter my own heart felt. Wow, play as energy. Never thought of that, either.
 
And how do you feel now?

I feel the sort of tired I like to call good-tired. Actually, it is the same sort of tired after a very satisfying day outside, in fresh air. Thank You.

…And voila, the internet is back! Not without effort, though the tech support gal was friendly and genuinely supportive and helpful. One more modem reset later and I am connected again. So this immediately prompts an analogy: the reset button, how I need that myself. Sometimes, a lot! And how reset is almost spelled like rest. Hmmm.

So when you feel disconnected, you need to reset, and to rest. You don’t need to resist.

Resist?

Yes, you need to REST in what IS. You don’t have to fight it to change it. Resting in what is does not mean accepting something unacceptable, like bad service or bad behavior, even from yourself. It does mean acknowledging the reality in order to find the point of change. Change can be as simple as pushing the reset button.

In order to reconnect.

In order to re-establish from your own end a connection that always was present. The internet was not out on her end, was it?

No.

And there was no widespread outage as you once surmised.

No.

So the issue was entirely on your end, on your reception. And for that, you needed a reset.

Lord, is that like remembering what I already know? Like St. Paul says, writing the same things is not a bother to me and it is helpful for you. Like that?

Do you think that My saying the same things is a bother to Me?

I don’t know. Maybe, sometimes. Sometimes I think, I should be past reminding. Past needing a reset button!!

You know your own skin replenishes itself, sloughs off and rejuvenates repeatedly. In that process, you keep your own set of fingerprints. They don’t change. Think about that. A feature, unique to you in all the world, and through thousands of cycles of change in your lifetime, they remain your own. If the human body can refresh its outward appearance, yet remain itself, why can’t you refresh your soul and spirit, so as to remain your best self?

You are talking about fingerprints…and that makes me feel even worse, because I have been picking my fingers. As You know. As I am ashamed to admit.

Here is how I view that behavior: as a signal there is something disrupting the transmission between My Heart and yours. All I see in your behavior is a kind of static that distorts not so much My Voice–you are hearing Me clearly enough now–but your own. You tend to revert when you start to doubt yourself, when you question or second-guess yourself, or when you imagine others, especially those closest to you, are somehow hyper critical of your choices. You began the practice in early childhood over the sense that you were not smart enough for your father and not quite the young lady-child your mother wanted. You internalized those non-verbal feelings very young and never found a way to speak them, much less to hear what they might have answered. So I shall speak to those feelings, and on their behalf, right now. Are you ready?

Gosh. I don’t know what to say. I think so. I trust You, I know that. 

The truth is, you were smarter, quicker, than your dad knew what to do with. He was raised to be competitive, and in the scheme of his birth family, to be the loser as the youngest brother. Imagine how he felt when his own child began to manifest evidence of a mind that hungered to learn and that synthesized meaning in ways he had never thought of. Mostly he was afraid he would lose you, lose your love. The truth is, once your creative gifts began to show, and once you began to be more at home outside in nature than inside playing with dolls, your mom did not know what to do, either. She was raised in an era that delineated clear roles for women and for men, with skill sets common to each role. You didn’t seem to have either the skills or the interests, so she, too, was afraid that you two would somehow grow apart if she encouraged you too much in being different than she was. By the time you were a teenager, they could not have been more proud of you, but by then, you had absorbed the ideals of perfect performance as a way to please them, and everyone else around you. What that did was rob you of knowing how much you were loved just for being yourself. By then, the pressure you were putting on yourself was much greater than either of them realized, and as I told you recently, you have carried this pressure for most of your life. It is much harder for you to live responsibly without that sense of pressure than it is for many others. And true to form, you take that pressure out on yourself. You internalize it, and then you expect more of yourself than you should, and then you are angry with yourself for not “doing better” and all the while it is easy to assume I Am the One setting such high standards. This is why it is no bother for Me to keep repeating to you, over and over and over, I Am with you, I Love you, and perhaps most important, I accept you and I release you. You can be yourself with Me. Your funny, witty, creative, thoughtful, goofy, happy-go-lucky, pollyanna self, the self you imagine others would like only parts of, you can be all of you, with Me. Don’t disconnect. Don’t let the static drown out your own voice. It is Music in My ears, truly. Set yourself free. Even if you have to do it over and over, set yourself free. As you said recently about prayer, One More Time.

Thank You, Lord. You have given me a lot to think about. I feel relaxed now. Even my tight calf muscles feel more relaxed. Somehow I think I can sleep, now.

Yes, little one. Sleep. Rest in My Love.

 

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Waiting

Lord, the days are getting longer now. Little by little and day by day, more light. Thank You for Your promises of freshness. Even more than any kind of vacation, I have been longing to feel fresh here. Here on the Outer Banks, here at home. I know I won’t go with fresh eyes or the ability to be inspired anywhere else until I can be refreshed here. Then, anywhere I go will be fresh, because I will be fresh, I will be bringing a refreshed perspective to each day.

My Birth appeared ordinary–not to Mary and Joseph, and not to the shepherds–but to everyone else around that night. I was hidden in plain sight until the time was right. There were hints and glimpses, but the full picture wasn’t shown until many years later. And even then, it was not fully understood by the world at large. So I well understand waiting and timing. Bread, leavened, still takes time to rise. Still takes time to bake. Then it becomes food for the world.

Waiting is never easy. And you are waiting not for a resuming of something already experienced, already known, but for something as yet unrealized in your life and therefore unimagined. You keep saying, I can’t imagine, and that’s true. The first gate we will open together is that gate, the Gate of Imagination. Your writer-self needs this. You are picturing a rusty farm gate, squeaky rusty hinges, long neglected. As if somehow you should have known it was here and been using this gate all along. But the Gate we will open together is new, easy to swing, and high. It opens onto a world the likes of which–pun intended–you have never imagined. That is the whole point. This is a Gift you are now ready for. This isn’t a territory you have neglected. It is only now being readied for you, because you are now ready to receive it, prepared to explore it, able to actually occupy it, settle in and live here. There is a big sign on the Gate: Welcome Home.

But it’s not Heaven. I mean, it’s here!

It is Here. It is your next chapter. Your next level. Your next phase of being with Me, in your world.

And this is meant for daily? For every day?

You cannot understand until you experience. All you have to do is wait. You are already ready. I have seen to that. The time you will need to live this out–I have already seen to that, too. No, no this doesn’t come at the price of your health.  This is pure and undiluted delight that will give new color and shape and breath to everything you do. This is like breathing fresh air after being cooped up inside a stuffy stale room. Each full breath actually increases your capacity to breathe deeper and fuller yet.

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Winter Gifts

Lord, I keep circling back around to the Four Directions.

What is your attraction to the Four Directions?

I love the balance of it. The aspect of stages of journey and growth, and the metaphors about how we perceive the world, and You, and ourselves. I like compasses and direction-finding, all the analogies.

 You have moved around the wheel many times, and you have stood or sat in the Center, trying to hold all the directions at once as balance. You always move around the wheel clockwise, corresponding to the seasons. You just began a new year, both in your calendar and with your birthday, and you are readying for a new business year as well. For you, the year begins in winter. For your friend in Australia, the year begins in summer, something beyond your reckoning, your experience. You’ve fallen ino patterns of thinking out of habit. So let’s walk the wheel backwards, in reverse, for a change. Jesus said, become as little children—that’s circling the wheel counter-clockwise.

That is counter-intuitive!

Let’s start where you are, in your year, in your body. Let’s start in the north, in winter, in the season of rest and reflection. Let’s start with all that is frozen and iced-over in you.

Lord, isn’t winter also about Wisdom and being an elder?

The Winter Gift of Rest is Wisdom, but that is not where you are, physically or emotionally. You still resist My Gifts of Rest. You eagerly embrace the gifts of the other directions, the other seasons of life, and relate them to work, to activity, to productivity. You resist winter’s gifts.

Doesn’t winter mean retirement: I mean that literally, like the last train station stop?

You are able to receive all three of the other directions within your life’s ages and stages—but not winter. So it is fitting we start here.

Some creatures hibernate all winter, sleeping away the cold in cozy dens, it is true. Others thrive in winter, making great migratory journeys to warmer climes. Winter can be about epic journeys—journeys to lands of plenty, to easier-to-find sources of nourishment and refreshment. Winter can be that for you. Think about your working life a minute. You often create your best images in a quiet winter setting, whether still and meditative or brightly vibrant. You used to always take your Florida vacation in winter, mimicking a migratory journey. You have sometimes used the slower months of winter to explore new creative outlets, or to write. Winter was a more balanced time of rest and creativity than it has become for you now.

So what am I supposed to do? In 2010 Patrick moved in. In 2011 Pete was sick. In 2012 we—he—renovated our gallery’s first home. In 2013 we had to leave that cottage and find, and renovate, new space. In 2014, we had a break, our last real vacation. Late in 2015 we bought SeaDragon and I had a lot to learn and quickly, to get ready for a new venture in a new place. Last winter we both hurt our backs, after the hurricane, and couldn’t go much of anywhere. This year we are once again moving, working to make a new space feel and look beautiful and welcoming. I don’t know how to balance work and rest—especially when I am trying to keep up with someone else’s pace.

You will miss all of winter’s gifts if you try to keep up. Remember the fox tracks you and Karen found in the snow in Carova, all those years ago? You need to set a pace for yourself that is sustainable, physically and emotionally and spiritually. What did I tell you before about choices?

To follow peace and joy.

So how much peace, how much joy, is your current pace providing? You are trying to skip over winter’s rest, morph it into summer’s pace of productivity and you are missing all of winter’s gifts in the process, gifts of presence of birds and wildlife. Gifts of words in books and essays, others’ words and your own. Gifts of subtle beauty in the landscape you are dashing right by. I want you to take up your walking stick and walk once again into winter. Amble a little. Set your pace to My rhythm. Do some of those winter delights that restore you. “Chill out” – a perfect winter turn of phrase. Allow your creativity to awaken and stir and stretch as you allow your body some rest and a slower pace. And if you must consider productivity, consider this—which images sell best, in your busy summer season?

The winter ones. Late fall to winter.

Exactly. The gifts you receive now will translate directly into summertime sharing—but only if you align yourself on the wheel to fully embrace winter and its gifts.

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Off Duty

So, Lord, I think this new cloak of mine is going to take a lot of getting used to. I was just sitting here thinking I felt pretty good, had a decent day, because (drum roll) I got so much done! Sheesh. 

It’s not about doing versus not-doing. It is about with what attitude are you doing. How did you feel today, running your errands, doing your paperwork?

I felt fairly relaxed for the most part, except once or twice, when I looked at the clock and felt that sense of being rushed, or rather, not moving fast enough myself. I did try to think all day long about what You said yesterday. I wasn’t sure how to switch gears exactly, but now that I think back, for the most part I wasn’t revved up. I made a list so I wouldn’t forget anything, and actually did all but one thing–I would have done that too but it was raining too hard at that point for that particular errand.

So you can actually balance your life with your work and your chores. You see? You were able to reach out briefly to friends today. You did your errands. You made real progress preparing for your upcoming buying trip. And you did it all with much less anxiety. You even got a little extra sleep this morning! You tried to remember to drink more water and you took bathroom breaks. I would say, for your first day, you were a great success wearing your new cloak!

Thanks, God. I do feel good tonight. I do. I even noodled around with a new lyric, sort of, in the car. And Kaylee was more affectionate, more playful, than she has been in a while. I could almost believe she sensed the change too.

Almost? You know how sensitive animals are. If such a change makes such a difference in her behavior in just one day, imagine the benefits that await you long-term.

You know, God, at one point this morning, I caught myself slipping into those old familiar thought patterns and I literally interrupted myself to say, no, today is going to be an incredible day!

And was it?

I am sitting here right now, feeling–and I do mean that word, feeling, I can feel Quiet, I can feel Calm. Peaceful. I am feeling at peace. I am feeling at peace with myself. That’s huge. And yes, I would have to label that as pretty incredible.

And what is happening to the earth?

Ha, God, You are so funny. It is spinning, spinning on its axis, revolving around the sun, keeping its place in the Universe. And all without me having to worry about it, ha! 

I Am not making fun of you. But it is helpful for you to see for yourself how playful and joyous this life can once again be, as long as you are focused on Being, on Being your best self. Sure, go, do–but from a center of being. And what did I promise you? That you will be even more productive, accomplish even more, and operate from a position of even more energy. So how do you feel physically?

I know bedtime is coming and I think I will sleep, but I don’t feel that same overarching fatigue I have been having. AND…this is incredible…although I planned to drink coffee in the afternoon, I didn’t. Somehow I didn’t need it. I got along just fine without it.

And you are not feeling exhausted now?

No. I’m not. I am actually feeling pretty good. Guess that will go down on my gratitude list tonight. Thank You, Lord.

Yes, I guess it will. Thank you–for receiving My peace. You know, I have called you to be a peacemaker, and a peacekeeper. And that begins with days like today, days when you are at peace first with yourself.

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Cloak of Responsibility

Here is the best–and worst– part about old journals, Lord–busted, I’m busted. So a few days ago I was rejoicing over the growth I saw, looking back at pages from 15 years ago. Well I read a little further and I stumbled on an entry from mid-May that could have been written yesterday. Sure, the circumstances were different then–I was finishing up a later-in-life undergrad degree, studying for exams and preparing papers, but the stress responses, the fatigue, and my desperate, articulated on the page need for some time outside was identical. So writing that down, i think I see two things: this is not a new issue, a new problem and I think it dates all the way back to my school years; and second, the outdoors has been my safe soothing place for a long, long time.

So I really want to copy down here what I wrote there and then. Because I need to talk to You about this. I wish it could be once and for all. But maybe it can at least be for now. “In one sense I have no business doing anything but run this marathon called spring quarter (substitute, get open for season) but…I have a ton of buts. But I’m so tired. But I’m said. But my head is in a vice. But…but I want a break, not a big break–but some small break, some outside, outdoors break. Change focus. I deliberately am not going to write three pages, takes too long. Instead I’m going to shower and leave and go somewhere. Sounds rebellious just to write that down. Why should a morning beach walk or the Ridge be rebellious? Because duty has tons of tasks right here. When is a break ok? When I’m breaking? I don’t know.” WHEW! Yikes. May, 2003. 

I have a flood of memory. Being on call for work, in an era before cell phones, so that I didn’t dare even go to the beach for more than an hour even on the weekend “in case” I was called, called in to work or to answer a question or attend some meeting. Good grief. I remember unplugging the phone for a solid weekend and my roommate and I binge watching wonderful movies, Ghandi and Biko and I can’t recall what else. Something Native American but I don’t remember the title. I remember how I felt good and bad, doing that. I remember talking to the personnel director at the time, about all the extra work I was being expected to do after hours, but because my bosses were committee volunteers, I was told there was nothing I could do about it–and stay employed. Of course I did what I do. I stayed employed! It was seven years later and it took my mom’s illness before I finally left that job. But obviously I didn’t leave the mindset.

God, Great Creator, Your own Name is I Am. Not I Do. How can You help me?

SO much in your culture, your schooling, your family, your past employment, and even the example set by your husband extols and rewards work, effort, productivity. You have been well trained, trained to perform. But life is not a circus, and you are not a trick pony. Nor are you a racehorse. Nor are you destined to plod, plod along pulling a plow. When you picture a horse, what image comes to mind first?

Running free. Running over the plains. Running by the sea. 

Freedom to Be, that is what comes first. Essence of Horse, yes? So what is Essence of Eve? That is what I want you to ask yourself, tonight and in the morning and in the days ahead. I will give you a hint–it is not what you think. It is not what first comes to mind. Your gifts, your talents, and yes your working life, these are outpourings in particular channels of an inner life. I want you to think less about the channels and more about the spring, more about the river. I want you to think more about the Essence. More about Being. Not about Being Efficient. Not about Being Organized. Not about Being Productive or Being Successful. Not even about Being Faithful, which you translate into productivity and effort, into doing and away from merely being.

Eve means Life. “Mother of all Living” — which you have chuckled over, adopting stray cats, calling yourself Mama. You have chuckled and donned a mantle of great and grave responsibility. Once before I asked you for a cloak, to give Me the cloak you were wearing. Do you remember?

Lord, how can I forget? Of course I remember. “I clutched my grief to my body like a robe/said it is all that is mine I have left/but I threw it down at Your feet and turned to go/cold, alone, bereft”

And what happened next, in your vision, in your lyric?

You led me to the beach. You wrapped a new warm something around my shoulders. You began to heal that broken place inside.

Somewhere along the way, you abandoned the cloak I gave you, and you wove for yourself a new one–this mantle of responsibility. It is neither keeping you warm nor keeping you dry. And I want you to do what I asked you to do years ago. Give Me your mantle. Give Me your sense of weighty responsibility, that feeling you have that so much depends on you and your effort, from your family’s health and safety to the health and safety of friends, to the success of your business and every artist whose work you so lovingly steward. Can you do that? Can you trust Me with your mantle, one more time?

Gosh God, there is blood and sweat and tears on this shawl. I don’t mean to be dramatic but there are a lot of years woven into these threads. Does this mean all that work, all that effort did not count?

No, little one. What it means is that you are trying to fit into a garment that was never meant for you. What I have for you to wear is a mystical, magical coat. It will grow as you grow. Its threads shimmer and gleam in moonlight and sunlight. It is soft and gentle to the touch yet the sharpest arrows of accusation cannot penetrate its weave. This is My Weaving, and I have spent all your life preparing it for you, for this moment. For the moment you are willing to let go, and begin to Be. Live into your name, live into your loves, live into your life. Give Me your heavy mantle. Slip on your new coat. Here is its first secret: see its color change as you tap deeply into the Essence of who you are, who I have made and called you to be.

One more thing. You can’t easily hide in this coat. This is not a camouflage garment. You will be both more conspicuous and more free, wearing it. You want to see how you look? Your reflection pool will be found first in the eyes of those closest to you, from animals to people you love who love you back.

Lord, what are You going to do with my old cloak, the one I just took off?

Give that cloak no more thought. I Am going to light a fire, to warm your winter and help light your way. This is not the sort of garment to hand down to anyone else, you know. And it had gotten way too heavy to wear in warmer weather, and your busier season. You would have fallen, trying to bear it.  How does your new coat feel?

It, it feels lightweight. And oh my goodness, I just moved my neck and it is moving more freely, less stiff, less pain.

The lightness in your spirit will translate directly into lightness for your bones, and energy for your body and mind. And paradoxically, into more restful sleep as well. So sleep tight, little one. Snuggle into your coat. Let Me teach you about restful labor, and energizing rest.