Category: Honesty

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Runner

Well, this was certainly an interesting ten days. I am not sure what I expected, exactly, in the middle of a busy-busy stretch. Holiday weeks are always busier at the shop and this one included inventory deliveries as well as lots of folks to serve. I write that and I smile. It’s true, I really do think of the galleries as places of ministry as well as places of commerce, of sales. Art ministers. I watch it happen over and over. And I love that. I am so grateful that my commerce-life revolves around beauty and talent and investment in the gifts given. I love that.

So in a traditional sort of Vision Quest, the quester would debrief, so to speak. Come to the tribal or traditional equivalent of a spiritual director, report in, and seek feedback. Sometimes that feedback would be revelation, a new name, or confirmation of what the quester discerned. So here I am, coming to You. What stood out? That is the question first asked.

Well, one big thing unfolded over a couple of days. I went looking for the mama bear and four cubs, whom I did not get a clear view of, and instead was startled near dusk by a deer I obviously startled first, because she darted out from the brush in front of my car and then raced ahead down the road. Gosh, she was fast! Then she bounded off to the other side of the road and I lost sight of her. The whole thing made me recall a name I thought You spoke to me maybe 30 years ago–Running Deer. And a line from a poem that is from 2007, “footprints like hearts through my day”–because deer’s hoof prints are in fact heart-shaped. Maybe I will put the whole poem here. 

The Wood Between The Worlds

You are always

Breathing out

Largesse

I inhale hurriedly

The ten thousand things

Scarcely notice

Your breath, my life

You wait

Slow still center

I come to ground

Gently deciduous

Float leaflike

Your breath

CS Lewis says

Nothing much happens

Look again

Nothing

Much happens

The trees go on growing

I follow

Footprints like hearts

Through my day

You breathe out

I breathe in

Connected

There. That makes me happy.

 

Why? Why does that make you happy?

Because it’s the real me. It is how I feel, how I think.

This quest was all about authenticity, finding and owning your authentic self.

Yes, well, after that whole deer episode, a couple days later I was driving on the beach road, and up ahead of me was what looked like a school activity or athletic bus, pulled over, half on and half off the road. I skirted around it, no problem, but in huge letters across the back of the bus were the words Running Deer. THAT got my attention! So I have been trying to think, running from what? Running to what? And You said, running with whom?

And what do you think is your answer?

I think I am running from how I actually feel, a lot of the time. I am trying to be responsible and diligent and on top of things; I feel disorganized and frustrated and stressed, and honestly, I miss being outside. But You said this time was to help restore my writer. So what does Running Deer have to do with that?

You don’t write because writing is all about feeling for you. It is not so much about thought–it used to be, but not anymore. You have made a shift from what you think to what you feel, and because you are so used to hiding what you feel, you have put a straitjacket on your writing self. And speaking of thinking, you THINK no one cares what you think or feel. And you are so mistaken. You could not be more mistaken. I care. I, the Lord of the Universe, care what you think, and I care what you feel. You want so much not to offend anyone, and to be as loving as you can to everyone. That is what you feel. You want to give everyone, anyone, another chance, a break, a massive break. That is what you feel. You get frustrated, as you said, and then you take your frustration out on yourself for not doing more, not being more, when what is really the issue is that you see folks around you who don’t seem to care even half as much as you do. You see that, and you think, how could they waste this life? How could they waste this day? How could they waste this minute? And you have been reluctant to name your frustration, because you want so much to give them, all of them, another chance.

Don’t they get that, God? Another chance, I mean. 

Yes of course. Always. But that doesn’t mean you need to consume yourself with their choices. It is essential that you begin to name, to yourself in My Presence, how you really feel. That is not judging, that is not criticizing, especially if you never verbalize it beyond the page, the private page with Me. But you need to be more honest. It is not that you lie, it is that you are trying to hard to be who you think I want you to be, instead of just being the glorious creation you already are. What did you read this week?

Oh yes! That quote! So it came in an email from Richard Rohr, whose writing I like very much, but the quote itself came from Dr. Howard Thurman. “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” And then, I was placing a re-order with ceramic artisans for lamps and plaques, and they had a word plaque with that exact quote! So I took that as a confirmation.

You have answered this before. It is time for you to answer this again. Not here, not right now. Over the course of the next week. Keep breathing in the question and breathing out your answer: what makes you come alive, Eve? You think you know the answer. Don’t just think. Feel. What makes you come alive?

 

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Just be you

Okay, God, I have a question. Say you feel you have been wronged, maybe not in a huge way, but still…what are we, what am I, supposed to do? Here is what I usually do–I get upset at first, and then I try to just let it go. I rarely confront, I rarely challenge the behavior, I rarely stand up, or at least, not for myself. I have  a friend who says, you teach people how to treat you. So I am always also thinking of how I want to be treated. So the Golden Rule rules, right? And that means walking away, right?

Let Me ask you a question in turn. If you offended a friend, wouldn’t you want that friend to tell you? Or if you made a genuine mistake, wouldn’t you want to know?

Well, yes. But I am not talking about a friend. The thing I am talking about now is literally a person I don’t know personally. I feel taken advantage of in one sense, and then in another, maybe what happened is okay. Maybe it will work out okay.

But you will never know that without bringing it up, without bringing the situation to light. And yet you think I would want you to keep silent. Keeping the peace and holding the peace doesn’t always mean silence. Sometimes it means having courage to speak, to say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes. Sometimes it takes asking a hard question and being willing to wait for the answer, and then having the courage and discernment to ascertain whether the answer is truthful, or a deliberate lie, or a misunderstanding, or a mixing of all of that.

I think I was schooled for silence.

Many have been. But silence is not necessarily a virtue. Remember, My Word says, there is a time to keep silence AND a time to speak. I think this is a time to speak, for you. HOW you speak is the issue. Do you speak respectfully? Do you judge in advance or do you go into the conversation willing to both speak and listen? The answers to these questions will tell you, first, what is in your heart, and second, where you need to ask for My help.

So, Lord, here is the situation–as if You didn’t already know! Someone used one of my photos in a publication. My name is there–tiny. And they might have gotten that photo from someone else I DID give images to, with permission to publish, but it is not at all clear to me that is what happened, or how it happened. And in any case, I did not give explicit permission to these folks to publish it. On the other hand–I always can see another side–the credit is good, and I wouldn’t mind the chance to legitimately work with these folks and supply photographs. But not without permission, and not without some arrangement in writing. Is that wrong to ask for? I feel torn. If I make a stink, then I might never have a chance to work with or for these folks. If I keep quiet like nothing happened…well that doesn’t seem right, or fair to me, either. And that certainly wouldn’t give me opportunities!

Of course it is not wrong! For one thing, this is your livelihood. For another, I have told you that now is your time to shine, not to hide. Keeping silent in this case would be hiding. Make the call. Be yourself–not your apologetic, this-must-somehow-be-my-fault self. Your authentic self. Try it now. Take a breath. What would you say?

I think I would ask to speak to someone in charge, say who I am, and say I have questions about how my photograph was used, where they received it from, just needing to understand the sequence of events. And depending on how I am answered, then I would like to open a door for them to see more of my portfolio. But not for free, for the same renumeration others receive.

So what is wrong, or confrontational about that? Remember the Third Way. Neither the aggressor, nor the victim. If you go in peace, with peace in your heart, you can open many doors. The issue for you isn’t whether to be a peacemaker; that is who you are. The issue is are you willing to speak up at all?

Yes, Lord, I think I am. I think I need to be. Thank You.

Remember, I Am with you in everything, great and small, hard and easy. You can do this, on your terms. Just be you.

 

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Summer’s Southern Gifts

Lord, You have talked to me about the North, and then about the West. Are we going to talk about the South now?

Yes, now it is time to move South on the wheel. What does South mean to you?

Lord, South means connection. The heart–my heart. What I love. Affection. What I am passionate about.

The South can become a place of zeal centered in the intellect, which is its danger for you. You’ve lived in that place before, mistaking effort for genuine enthusiasm, and you are there again. Other than these few minutes in the morning, you are parched for the water you find in the south. You are withering because you are not watering your closest relationships, other than your relationship to Me. But as I have told you, you humans are meant to connect with others, soul-connect, not just intellect-connect. You need to take some time and examine your heart’s garden. The state of your front yard is a perfect metaphor. What is going on in your garden?

Well, Lord, of course it is winter here literally, not summer. But last summer for the first time we hired professional yard help. And our well is broken, or dry. It doesn’t pump the water that flowers need to grow and thrive. And our drainfield failed, so when the guys came to replace it, they dug up the whole front yard, made a real mess digging up all the old pipe, and cutting out part of the sidewalk, but then they put in a brand new drainfield and leveled all the dirt. So now the septic system works, but all we have for a front yard is level dirt–which is going to turn into a mud field as soon as it rains.

You could use some excavation as well. The thought that you have to handle as much as you can by yourself is not helping you now, it is poisoning you. You fear to connect because you think your current vulnerability or need will turn your friends off, so you withdraw, thinking, I will get in touch when I have more to Give. Give them the Gift of Giving to you. The South is the place of giving and receiving, and in this cycle of summer in your journeys around the wheel, it is your season to receive. You can still grow a beautiful and abundant crop, but only if you avail yourself of all the love and support just waiting for you to reach out.

Gosh, God, it’s that important, huh?

Crucial, it is crucial. But as with everything else, it is up to you. So will you embrace this season of summer in your life? Are you willing to admit to your need and receive help? Not just task help, life-help. Heart-help. Water, soul-quenching streams. Can you say yes to receiving?

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Honesty

While Pete was in the shower, I laid in bed and said thank You for everything and everyone I could think of, a fabulous way to start a day, and start off a new year. 

You have not because you ask not. So much of your difficulty in receiving comes from your reluctance to ask. You fear being disappointed, and you still believe at your core that you can ask only for others, not for yourself.  You much more easily accept the idea of My favor on your friends, family, even strangers, than you accept that I want to richly bless you.

Even here, you seek to be profound and all I Am asking you to be is honest. Honest–and willing, willing to share our relationship in order to inspire others to seek Me out in ways that are deeper and more personal to them than they had imagined before.

This is why I keep insisting on you telling Me your dreams, your longings, and your wished-for hopes. I keep asking for lists of your loves so I can reveal Myself within the seemingly small details of your life, what you call your ordinary every-day life. You’ve said it yourself, if you can have this deep connection to Me, so can others. So can anyone, everyone. Your task is to go on living your everyday life from a position of Connectedness, to model in all circumstances what a daily relationship with Me looks like and feels like.

You already know this doesn’t mean you don’t experience loss and grief. You already deal with disappointment–but dealing with disappointment by bringing all your emotions to Me is far different than burying them inside, pretending you don’t hurt when you do, and allowing your hurts to fester and become infected. That way leads only to resentment and eventually to bitterness, a very lonely road indeed.

Nor Am I asking you to pretend all is well when it isn’t.

I ask you to be honest because, first, you can’t fool Me or hide from Me and you will only wear yourself out trying. I also ask you to be honest because I want to transform you–your character, your attitudes, your reactions, and responses–to reflect Me more and more. So it is essential that you tell Me when and where you hurt, so I can apply the Balm of My Healing. Tell Me what you regret so I can give new chances and choices. Tell Me what you think you lack so I can more fully be your Provider, the One Who gives opportunities and opened doors. Tell Me what puzzles you so I can give you wisdom, understanding and discernment. And tell Me what makes you afraid, so I can light your way.

Finally, tell Me what makes you glad, so we can rejoice together along with all the angels.

Tell Me everything, all the time, all day long. Pray without ceasing. How? By keeping Me, My Presence, in your mind and heart at all times, and by listening for My least whisper on the wind.

On the Page, off the Page–all the time. Tell Me Everything.

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The Mirror of God’s Love

Lord, I am reading something You said just last week. You said when I show up, You show up. That wondrous things can happen when I show up—which I take to mean, when I am present. When I am willing. That in those times, You are present, and that is what makes the difference.

First of all, I Am always present, though often unseen, unheard and unfelt. People all over the planet breathe in air, multiple times a minute, and most don’t give it any thought. You think about your breath when you are short of it, when the air is thick with smoke or foul, or your lungs are not clear, and it is hard to take a breath. You think about your breath in certain forms of fitness or meditation, when you concentrate on your breathing as a spiritual or physical practice. Mothers-to-be practice breathing as part of childbirth. But then the practice is over, the baby is born, the air clears or the lungs fill again and once more, the breath fades into the background of conscious thought. People pray or reach out to Me in times of great trouble, when they cannot get their breath physically or financially or in their health or their relationships; people sometimes pray out of gratitude for blessings received; but then the moments pass, the crisis resolves, the hourly service concludes, and I fade into the background as busy lives move front and center.

So how can I live, how can we all live, more conscious of Your presence? What kind of relationship are You asking us to have, or inviting us into?

Think how many times every day you think of Pete, how often he crosses your mind. You factor his opinion into almost all of your decisions. You certainly talk with him about major changes to your day or to your life. You can’t wait to share good news with him, and when you are worried or anxious, you look to him for reassurance. Sometimes you forget how much he loves you, and you imagine that something you have said or done displeases him—and you react in that same way with Me, don’t you?

But I need you to realize that nothing you do or think or say creates a rift between us that My Love cannot bridge. Couples grow apart when they begin hiding their true selves from one another, when what they keep hidden inside is much more than what they reveal. You don’t have to fear revealing yourself to Me. Lean into Me as a plant grows toward the sunshine. Let My Spirit oil any worn, weary or rusty parts of your soul, your character. When you are most tempted to draw back, from fear or weariness or impatience or frustration or downright anger, come closer. Let My Love be the Mirror you look deeply into. Remember Who I Am and Who I Am in you. That is how ordinary days and ordinary circumstances and ordinary people become extraordinary. Remember Who I Am and Whose you are. Remember our connection. Don’t hide your fears or your flaws or what you think of as your failings. I see all, regardless. But if you can be willing to bring them all to Me, I can heal and restore and fix. There is nothing broken—not a body, not a spirit, not a heart, not a relationship, not a family, not a community, not a country—that My Love cannot heal. You can be one of those agents of healing—if you keep coming to Me to be made whole yourself.