Category: Grief

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Spring Forward

So, God, it is almost, truly, spring. We have already had the switch to daylight savings time. This past Monday, there were only about half a dozen swan in the cove, and it was so pretty, I walked down to my car to get my camera and long lens. I snapped a quick cell phone image first and good thing — when I returned, the swan were gone! And then I saw them, way off in the distance, flying away. Flying away north. Flying away to home, their other home. Just like that. The majority had left already; these were the last to go. And then, about an hour later, I left and checked on the osprey nest just north of us since I heard the first one calling that morning. Sure enough, the pair was home! Home for the spring and summer. Just like the swan, they had to make a journey. OH, I get it. Some go, some come, all head Home. Like my cousin who I cannot get out of my mind and heart. Oh.

Home-going is hard only for those waving goodby. To the travelers themselves, coming Home is wonderful, is glorious. It is good to go, it is good to come home. You know this yourself from all your own travels. You love to go, and you love to return.

It’s the leave-taking that is hard.

Yes, and the waiting. But notice what happened, even in your own experience. The osprey don’t take the place of the swan. They each have their own stories. But the presence of the osprey, the joy they bring in and of themselves, that is what helps fill your heart. So now it is a matter of focus. You could choose to fill your heart only with swan, with the memory of their being here all winter. You could let your heart linger there. And that is what memory is for. But — and this is a very important distinction — you can let your heart linger lightly with those swan while embracing the osprey. You can remember and rejoice, and yes, at the bigger goodbyes you can still shed tears, while at the same time choosing to spring forward. Choosing to let your heart find new loves, new reasons to rejoice, new seasons to explore and even celebrate. Some think that dishonors what once was, to be open to what is and what could be. But since I AM, and since I AM Timeless, I say to you, linger lightly. And Spring Forward. Do Both/And. Don’t refuse spring’s gifts thinking you have to be loyal and faithful in honoring winter. You honor winter by remembering, not by refusing to let the snow melt, let the ice thaw, and let your heart be warmed once again by the spring sun. So Spring Forward, little one. And trust that those you love will find their own ways forward into the same sun, warming their own hearts. Hold winter’s griefs up to the light of that sun and let My Love warm and comfort and heal.

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Light So Bright

So, Lord, this has been a roller-coaster couple of weeks, the plunge point being Pete spiking his 4th or 5th fever, I lost count, with two trips to his regular doctor’s office culminating in an ambulance ride to the ER. And he is much, much better now. But. So the hospital ruled out all the seemingly serious stuff, like pneumonia; the doctor’s office swabbed for flu, and that was negative, so it seemed as if he had some sort of virus. Then the hospital called back six days later, and turns out they had sent his urine for a culture, and he had a UTI. Once he started on a new antibiotic, he felt so much better right away, and we have had no more shaking chills, no more high fevers. But. The but is, I was calm during all that, but kind of an inside mess afterwards. I didn’t sleep well, agitated. And now that fatigue has piled up, and I wound up napping today.  I am so relieved this was caught in time, before it became something too serious. But it could have been. And one day, it will be. Just writing that, my heart rate kicks up, I can feel it, and I am breathing more rapidly. I signed up for this–I know that. But it’s hard.

No, you didn’t. Not exactly. No human really ever “signs up” for the loss of someone they love. Remember, Death was–in the ways you experience it–never My idea. I planted a Tree of Life in the Garden, remember? That is why I have transformed Death into a Door, a Door I Myself Am. A Door I Myself walked through in human form so I could transform the Door into a Doorway, A Gateway, into Life.

Remember the vision you had, a couple days ago? Of walking into a Light so bright everything else fades and dims? Hold to that. Hold to that for yourself, and hold to that for everyone you love who has gone–or will go–before you.

You’ve had glimpses of this before, quick visual images. Now I want these glimpses to begin to permeate and resonate in your other senses, too, starting with hearing. You will begin to hear, in your mind’s ear, some of heaven’s music, as you hear My Voice, as you see in your mind’s eye.

In the midst of writing that, I mean, right that second about hearing, I hear my phone ping a message.

Yes, this will be that sudden–and in the beginning that startling. But it is time the Silent Movies end and you begin to integrate sight and sound.

Lord, kitty Barney is all stretched out. So relaxed.

Yes, that is what I want for you, the deep relaxation that comes from deep trust, from knowing all is truly well and you are loved, and cared for.

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Rainbow Questions

So, Lord, I took Your advice. And the results were wonderful! Two nights ago I listened to soothing instrumental music and watched this random youtube video of someone driving through Zion Canyon, just driving, with a video recorder mounted on their dashboard. The music seemed to match the mood of the landscape too; the songs changed, the scenery changed subtly and it was perfect. I went to bed both more buoyed in spirit and relaxed in body than I have for a long time. Then last night I just went to bed earlier, period. And that felt good, though I didn’t spend my usual time here, writing in dialog. So I didn’t post last night, because I was sleeping instead. But that seemed a wise choice at the time.

Now tonight I have something else weighing heavy on my heart and mind. And I am only a distant observer and imaginer, not close to this situation at all, other than by the fact that I am a human on this planet, and to some extent we are all in this thing, this thing called real life, together. And sometimes, God, may I just say, sometimes real life is pretty darned awful.

So I only know what I have read, but a four year-old boy was swept to sea yesterday, some rogue wave I guess, while his folks were right there and helpless to get him or save him. What I know from admittedly limited experience is that this family will never be the same. This isn’t something you get over, get past, or frankly get through. This is something you carry with you like a scourge, like a plague on your heart, for the rest of your life. And I am almost glad I don’t know the family, God, because I have no idea what anyone could say to them. Any words I can think of are empty. Worse than empty, they fill the empty space with nothingness. You are the Word. You said so Yourself. What in the world would You say, in the face of a tragedy like this? This isn’t even the tragedy of people making choices to hurt others; this is seemingly so random and so horrible. We humans with our little minds and our broken hearts, we want to cry out, why? and where are You? Where were You? And (if I may be so bold) how could You let this happen? I don’t believe You cause tragedies, God, but the randomness of something like this shakes all of us to our core, if we have a core, and especially if our core is centered in You. So what would the Word, the Good Word, say about all that?

Remember Lazarus. I wept there. I didn’t cause, I didn’t prevent, I wept. And then I raised him up, restored him to his family.

Yes, God, but this little boy didn’t get raised up, didn’t get restored. This family has to go on grieving and grieving and grieving. Their weeping doesn’t end. Their mourning doesn’t turn to joy. 

You cannot see the glory this boy is raised into, now. But you will. When it comes your time, you will.

God, You have said I could ask You anything, tell You anything. Is that still true?

Of course.

It’s not fair, God. That is how this seems. Saying, oh, he is risen with You — that doesn’t comfort the bereaved on this side, Lord. It just doesn’t. Even Mary and Martha, when You said you would raise Lazarus, even they thought You meant at the end of Time, at the last day, and that did not comfort them, not really, in their right-here, right-now sorrow. You comforted them when You gave him back, whole and living, in the flesh. Just like You comforted Your disciples when You rose–not only in some hereafter, but here. Here, then after. It is the here that troubles me, God. What about here?

You have lived through loss. And you are here.

Yes, God, but that was different. That wasn’t this.

How so?

Well, first of all, the losses I am thinking of now were losses that could have been prevented, in the sense that they resulted directly from lifestyle choices, made again and again over many years, that caused harm to the body. That was even true of my Mom, Lord. I am not saying the choice to quit smoking, or quit heavy drinking, or even quit drugs, is easy. But it is a choice folks can make. This was, I have to say it again, God, so random. An accident. And I am still waiting for a Word from the Word, Lord. Is Wept the word?

Look it up.

Huh?

In the Greek. Look it up.

Ok. So Lazarus’ sisters were weeping loudly, lamenting, audible loud cries. That is what the Greek word means. It is a different word for Jesus’ weeping. It means to shed tears, but quietly. So?

Why do you think Jesus wasn’t wailing loudly?

I don’t know. Because He didn’t feel the loss as deeply?

You know better than that. Think back to your times of silent weeping, where you almost have no tears left. Why did Jesus weep, if He knew what He was going to do?

Because He felt their sorrow? His humanity identified with their humanity?

Yes, exactly. He didn’t weep for show, or for tradition; He wept in empathy.

Ok. So…I’m sorry, I feel especially dense. You have empathy. Couldn’t You have stopped this from happening in the first place? Doesn’t Lord mean, Lord of circumstances? Doesn’t that mean You are in charge?

Ah, no wonder you are torn between grief and anger, between wanting to draw closer to Me and wanting to hide. If I could have prevented such a thing and didn’t, doesn’t that make Me some kind of monster?

I don’t know what to say. It is what we fear–not that You are a monster, but that our not understanding can make You out to be Someone You are not. I just, we just, don’t understand.

Come here, little one. Shhh. Listen. What does it mean, for someone to be an earthly king? Is the king in charge of every household, of everything that happens in his kingdom? Or is the king the one who sets the overall values, the overall agenda if you will, by making laws or rules for behavior, especially behavior between his subjects?

That’s different. Kings are humans just like their subjects, only with more authority. They can’t be everywhere at once, they don’t have the power to make things happen, like controlling the weather. But You can. You are everywhere at once, and You do control the weather. Don’t You?

I Am not the Grand Puppeteer. Some folks want Me to be. Others fear Me to be. Still others are angry, assuming that I am, and blaming Me for things that I did not cause, things I Myself weep over.

So what does Your Lordship mean, then, if You are not in control?

Humans, most humans, are very interested in control. Most humans want to control others and bend others to their will, to their way of seeing things, to doing things the way they want them done. And other humans have their own sets of opinions or values. Conflict arises often, from petty disagreements to wars over territory, over resources, over control. This is not the kind of Lord I Am, One Who demands or enforces Control.

Rather, I Am Lord of Love. I Am Lord of Peace. My Values are Higher.

So what, may I ask, is loving or peaceful, about a little boy’s tragic and untimely death?

Nothing. Nothing is loving or peaceful in these moments focused on loss, for these parents. In their loss and bereavement, there is no peace. In ME there is peace. This is a paradox, hard to understand. But you have lived this, if you think and remember. You have lived times of great grief, of great sadness, where your loss of control nearly broke you in pieces, and yet you found the strength to continue to live because of your relationship with Me, because of My Peace given to you despite the circumstances. You found you could come and weep with Me. You found I Am Big Enough to carry both you and your sorrow, both you and your confusion, both you and your anger. I did not cause this tragedy. And I do not have the control over your world that you envision.

Then, Lord–I can still call You Lord, right?

Yes, as long as you remember what it is you are saying. You are really calling Me Your Heavenly Father, Your Heavenly Brother, Your Heavenly Companion.

Okay, then, why pray? Why ask You for anything? Or to do anything? I mean, I know why…because sometimes You do. I just feel like we ask and You answer, a lot of the time. You answer me, I know You do. So why wouldn’t You answer this mother, this father, and cause the tide to turn and bring their son back to them, tumbled and scared but otherwise not harmed? Why wouldn’t You say Yes to that kind of prayer? Why do children have to die?

Ah, there is the question. The real question. Why death? Why death at all? Why untimely death? Why tragic death? Why sudden death? My only answer won’t satisfy you tonight, but it you can carry this in your heart, you will feel a wee bit better in the morning. Death was never My idea. Not My plan, not My agenda, not My purpose. Death was not in My reckoning. I am Lord, yes, of Life. Of Everlasting Life. Death was never meant as the Gateway to that life. Originally, My Will, My Heart was for Life to expand into more life; human life to expand into spirit life; life in a body to expand into eternal life. Once death entered the equation, much was out of My Control. Humans don’t heed my warnings. Humans don’t even heed the warnings of other humans! Much harm comes through lack of discernment. So what is a God to do? Eternity, that’s what. Sweeping the dying up in My Arms, that’s what. Silencing tears and fears before they have a chance to grow even greater, that’s what. In every human family, for all I have no control over, as God, there is much I can still do, if humans invite Me in.

Thank You, God. I actually feel a little better about this already. Not a lot, You understand. Just a little. Just knowing (I am sorry to phrase it this way, but I admit I am really tired), just knowing You didn’t cause this, or that this wasn’t somehow Your idea, helps. And Lord, I have to ask You one more thing. I saw a rainbow, a brilliant rainbow, probably two hours later as I was driving towards Kitty Hawk. About 6 pm. I always think of rainbows as Your Promise, Your Promise of Your Presence. And I always think of the day–I thought of it yesterday–that our friends’ daughter who had been ill so long, the day she died, and how I asked You for a rainbow, for the parents, on that day, and the rains came and by the end of the afternoon, the rainbow came too. I actually thought about that yesterday, though I had no idea at the time what had transpired just a couple hours earlier. So thank You for the rainbow, God. 

I do what I can, little one. As do you. Right now, try to rest. And don’t ever stop asking Me questions or telling Me how you feel.

Ok, Lord, I will try. Try to keep open, I mean. 

Then you will do well.

 

 

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The Edge of Light

Lord, I have friends going through hard times, all kinds of hard times. It’s hard to know how to feel. I am not exactly lost, though I haven’t been in these exact woods before, watching them hurt, watching them struggle.  I can see out the window the dark edge of one tree trunk, sharply defining its distance, its separation, from the lighter trunk behind it. Two individuals, one silhouette. How can I not be an empath, not take on, others’ sadness?  How can I stay focused and affirming and happy when it seems like their worlds are falling apart?

By remembering I Am the Burden-Bearer. By shifting the weight of it onto Me. By remembering I died for times like this–and rose–rose to overcome sorrow and mourning, death itself. By receiving afresh the joy I mean for you to have, the connection. By embracing Light–even at midnight. By knowing dawn comes, is inevitable. By seeking Me for guidance about your rest and priorities. You cannot carry others; they are too heavy for you. You can only bring them to Me, as you have done, as you continue to do. And walk with them. While you are with them, you may have to slow your pace–but you are not with them 24/7. So the rest of the time you must give over to Joy. Skip! Dance! Laugh! You know how laughter heals–don’t let this become a wound in you. Increasingly you trust Me for blessing–don’t let that go now. Trust for yourself and trust for your friends. It is okay to weep for them–I wept, with Mary and Martha over Lazarus–but don’t stay stuck there, weeping.

Roll away the stone of your own grief and call to life anything that has died within you. Mourn that no more. Call it to resurrection. Jubilee is restoration. Think resurrection, too. So many dreams are coming true for you now; call them all to you. Call them all. There is nothing you can want that doesn’t please Me, for you please Me, and your desires and dreams are True. Begin to name them. Make them yours. Let this be prayer for you. You want healing for others? Sing it home, call it out.

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Tumbling Down The Well

Lord, I know what is most important to You is not work. It’s relationship. So what can I do? I feel like I’m side-stepping this problem; no matter how I have tried, I can’t seem to resolve this. I have tried to address symptoms but the underlying drivenness remains. And I do see this, really, as a deficit of character, not as an asset–at least at its current level. Maybe it could be an asset in moderation. So can I, dare I, ask You to help? The only way I can think of to truly make amends is to a)work less and b)quit manifesting anxiety and I am not there, in my own strength.

You can ask Me to remove anything and everything that separates you from My best for you. Do you think this state of being is My best? Do you view this way of being as a gift from Me? Do you think I can help you get everything done? Do you think I can protect you without your having to be hyper-vigilant, like that tv show you watched a while back, about the veteran?

Lord, are You saying I have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder? That’s ridiculous! That’s for victims of trauma, like soldiers or the abused or hurricane victims, or 9-11, right?

2011 was your personal, private, 9-11. The twin towers were Pete’s cancer and Patrick’s death–both sudden, life-never-the-same attacks from outside yourself on your normal everyday life.

God, I’m sobbing now. You say that and bang, I’m sobbing, getting my paper wet. What do I do? What do I do?

You start by being honest. You start by asking for help. You don’t try to hide it, from yourself, from Me, from others.

Lord, I’m really embarrassed. And I’m really ashamed. Shouldn’t this relationship I have with You be enough?

It is because of our connection that you are still functioning at all. You opted to stay strong and power through that time, but you are like a car that is stuck in 4th gear now. You can’t shift. You can’t down-shift, you can’t put it in neutral for more than a few minutes at a time–like here, or walking outside–and even then, your inner motor is revving, just waiting to kick into overdrive again. It’s why you can’t settle. Why you are so restless. Why you don’t make music. Why all of a sudden you struggle to write. Why you can’t remember. You’re on overdrive and on auto-pilot. You’re trying to multitask mentally, juggle all these different must-do’s and need-to’s and shoulds. You’ve gone beyond overload. You’re like a power plant that has been running too long at peak capacity and the whole thing is in danger of shutting down.

Lord, that is my fear, though, that the grid will go down, so to speak. In my life. It is the same fear family members have, I guess. They go around angry. Me, I’m just so afraid…and then this past fall, with Pete…and the other day, with Pete…I feel like I can’t let down my guard for one second. I feel like, if I take a break, take a walk, take a breather, that is the very moment he will need me, and I won’t be right there. So. That is my fear.

I know. And yet, when you stop and think, you realize you are not afraid of Me, and you do trust Me. So you feel confused, too.

Yes, that is true.

These are all symptoms. Sometimes symptoms must increase so the diagnosis can be made, so the condition can be identified and treated.

And You are saying I need professional help? Since I can’t handle this?

Eve, Eve. You did handle this. That is what you are not seeing. You did. You do. You came through like a trooper–but you are still stuck in “like a trooper” mode. That is the problem. You are waiting, 24/7, for the shoe to drop. For the next sudden attack on your life. That’s the problem.

Yes, well. Isn’t that obvious? I mean, hello, isn’t that where we are? Where he is, and where I am? Isn’t that where the whole world is, at some point?

So let Me play this back for you. You are saying the best response to aging is to move into a crisis mode with greater anxiety and less joy, just so you can be prepared for an eventual inevitable disaster? And that is the best I can offer humans for their latter years? And that is the most humans can expect of themselves, each other, and Me? Is that really what you think, or believe?

Well, when You put it that way…

No–you put it that way. You put it that way every time you make a choice to operate from a perspective that says, everything around you is falling apart and it is your responsibility to keep all the pieces together and in play. But everything around you is not falling apart, for one thing, and it is not your responsibility to hold everything together, as I have told you before. It is your responsibility to do what?

To live each day connected to You, and in love. In love with You, in love with Pete, in love with this beautiful, messy world and my beautiful, messy life.

And what part of love, of lovingkindness does the puzzle piece of your stress and anxiety, your fear and drivenness fit?

Lord, it doesn’t. It doesn’t fit the puzzle at all. It is the wrong size and the wrong shape and the wrong color. And it has rough, sharp edges. 

I want you to live “as if.” Some people counsel to live as if you are dying, as if life is shrinking and diminishing and you have to cram as much as you can into every moment. I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to live as though nothing matters and there is no purpose either. I want you to live a third way. I want you to live AS IF this day, every day, is the best day of your life so far. And then get up tomorrow and do that again. Just purpose in your heart, wow, this day is going to be incredible! Then let’s color in what incredible looks and feels like for you. It is different for everyone. For you, it does include both time to reflect and time to create, time to be with those you love and time to be alone, time at the Page with Me and time noticing the natural world. Incredible for you includes beauty in many forms. Words in many genres. Music. Laughter. The affection of furry critters. You’ve tumbled once again down a deep well of grief and you need to climb toward the light. Miraculously, nothing is really broken–yet. And there is a ladder leading up. So let’s climb out together, shall we?

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I Heart…

In less than an hour, it’s my birthday. Although, if I am being precise, I really turn 61 somewhere around 8 a.m., not at midnight. Last year was the landmark/decade birthday, but I can’t help wondering about the year ahead. In Narnia Aslan told Lucy, no one can know about what will happen, but—

That is not what I said.

What?

As Aslan, in Narnia. That is not what I said. What Aslan actually said was, no one is told what would have happened if…And then what did Aslan say? Anyone can find out what will happen…

Oh, yes. Right, by taking action, by moving forward. Part of me wishes I could look ahead, have some foreknowledge, and part of me is afraid to ask for even a glimpse.

Here is all you really need to know. You will love the love of your life, for all of your life. And he will love you. When the road gets bumpier, you will have the ability and the circumstances to slow down, so the bumps don’t cause you to crash, emotionally, spiritually or financially. Instead of racing over or through the bumpy parts, you will walk hand in hand, each of you leaning on the other, and each of you both giving and receiving strength and comfort. At some point, I will call everyone on the planet Home. You will live through many Homegoings before you hear Me calling your name, and when I do, the joy that will rise up inside you will be so great, so powerful, your human body will not be able to contain it. In that moment, which you have labeled “death” you will become fully and eternally Alive and forever united to My Love and Life. It is hard for you to fully appreciate the joy, completely understand the risen life that awaits all of you on the other side of the veil you call Time.

When the day inevitably comes for Pete to come Home, although you cannot envision this now, you both will know, and you both will rejoice; he will rejoice because Joy itself will come for him, and you will rejoice, because you will realize that not even death can separate those who love one another.

You have asked in your heart a question that doubters asked Me, although your puzzlement comes not out of doubt but out of a sadness born from an anticipated loneliness. On earth, Pete has loved both Pat and you. So in heaven, whom will he love? And the answer is Love is All. Love is All encompassing, Love is All surrounding, Love is All infilling. In heaven, Love. There will be no more need for rank-ordering. When the glass is always full, there is no need for measurement. You will fully love, then, and you will be fully loved. Here, you cannot live without air, without breath. Then, you cannot live without Love. So much love, so much joy, so much peace, awaits you. And even those words are inadequate, for much invites a comparison to less-than-much, to little. That is why I so often Name Myself simply Am. Being. Love. Peace. These are synonymous in eternity.

So what does your 61st year hold? Wonder. Blessing. Strength. Resilience. Joy. Opportunity. Tenderness. What will be your part, your response? Gratitude. Peace. Serenity. Faith. Hope. Compassion. And yes, Joy.

Rest easy, little one. You have chapters yet to live, chapters yet to write. And you and Pete have pages yet to live together. Determine to write on every single page, happily ever after—and live that assurance, starting now. Keep sowing seeds of love, keep reaping a crop of love. Your entire existence together has been a loving journey. That will never change between you—never fear that.

Thank You, Lord. That is the best present I could ask for, tender, loving days together, however many there are.

I have told you before, don’t grieve in advance; don’t mortgage today to try to prepare for tomorrow. Be Here Now. Love Now. That is all any of you can really do, anyway. So purpose in your heart to do that, every day, and this really will be the kind of year you are always asking for others, your best year yet, overflowing with blessings.

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Calling on Angels

NOTE: This particular entry dates back to December 2015. I felt led to post it tonight upon hearing of a domestic shooting in another state. After the word “bombing” in my original opening sentence, I added the words “shooting” and “attack,” after praying about altering the original entry. I offer it tonight as my prayer and intention for peace.

Oh, God, another bombing (shooting/attack). Please, please, please, please, please. Please.

Don’t worry and call it prayer. Don’t fear and call it wisdom. Don’t hate and call it justice.

Take a deep breath, and pray for My will, which is Peace, to be done.

Take another deep breath, and pray for My Kingdom, which is Love, to come.

Take yet one more deep breath, and pray for My Angels, who are heralds of Hope, to be once again seen, once again heard, once again felt, and once again followed.

Ssshhhh. You can cry; I Am crying too. What? You think I don’t weep with those who weep? I don’t ask you to do anything I Myself Am not already doing. Yes, I will wipe away all tears—but not today. Not as long as there is still grief and sorrow in your world. But bring those tears to Me. Don’t let what you see and hear make you bitter. This is hard work, to remain connected to Me as the Source of Love and Goodness when voices all around you begin to shout louder and louder in rage and revenge. That is what leads to war, you know—those voices. So cry if you must, but cry for peace.

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Loss

Loss is hard, no matter how I think about it. I have friends going through it, right now.

The portal you call death is a lot like jumping to hyperspace, or going to warp speed—all of a sudden, the essence of the person is too large, too fast, and holds too much energy for the physical body that has been its home. The soul jumps to Eternity, leaving behind the empty shell. In this eternity there is no separation, not from Me and not from anyone loved in this life. In fact, since Love is the core of Being, the soul actually experiences unity with everyone and everything, while still retaining individuality. This is a mystery beyond your comprehension. You see glimpses and hints, nothing more.

Lord, the Old Testament warned against trying to connect with anyone who had died, so that warning makes me, I am sure makes a lot of us, wary. Yet some days I would like nothing more than a conversation with my Mom or Dad, or Patrick. That is why those dreams about them are so precious.

What the Old Testament warned about was substituting that contact for a genuine connection to Me. In Me and through Me and through the power of My resurrection, you have access to anyone for all of history. Who do you think sends you those comforting dreams? Who do you think summons the blue butterfly or the pileated woodpecker, just when you need some reassurance?

I gave you these earthly relationships to be an eternal blessing to you. I don’t intend you to remain in grief over the loss of physical contact. Instead, try asking Me to arrange experiences where you know your loved one has communicated with you, in a way personal and private to you, and see what happens?

Lord, I will never forget driving home after Christmas 2000, when Daddy died Christmas day, and the smell of his pipe tobacco that he got every Christmas in my childhood filled the car out of nowhere.

Not out of nowhere, out of Beyond. Out of Eternity. No, your father is not smoking a pipe in heaven! But that experience—what did it do for you?

I felt as if he was somehow near, along with my Aunt who gave him that tobacco, saying that he was okay. That he was well and healthy and somehow aware of me and where I was. It was a powerful moment of connection.

And did it increase or diminish your faith? Did it comfort you or plunge you into depression?

Lord, it increased my faith. And yes, it comforted me too—like the man I had lost to Alzheimer’s was somehow suddenly my Daddy again. Wow, I never put that into words before.

That was the exact intention, My intention, in the experience: to comfort and assure you.

So I can ask that my friends be comforted? And assured?

Indeed, yes. These are prayers I love to answer—happy serendipitous surprises of love.

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Peace Plays the Umpire

Lord, what is the watchword for today?

The watchword for today is Peace–the kind of peace that plays umpire over your thoughts, calling fair or foul, in or out of bounds. My Peace outruns even your best thinking and your deepest understanding. When you come to the limit of all you know or understand, when nothing “makes sense,” that is when you need My Peace the most, and that is where you will find My Peace waiting.

Out of bounds thoughts and “foul moods” go hand-in-hand. I Am talking about thoughts like envy or resentment, thoughts that label others in any way less-than-you, or that label you as less-than-them, or–and this is very important for you now–thoughts that whisper you must do this alone. No, you have a team of helpers and Me as both Coach and Umpire.

But life has thrown a curveball, I hear you say.

Are you going to hurl your bat in frustration and take a chance on hurting someone else, or are you going to come to Me for some extra, private, one-on-one batting practice? You can hit this curveball. You can hit it out of the park. You can run the bases and you can drive others home, Home, on the strength of your swing. Don’t walk away from the batter’s box. Let Me show you how to handle life’s curveballs so that your peace, My Peace in you, stays intact and all your swinging for the fences bears much fruit.

It doesn’t seem fair, this particular pitch.

I know you are afraid of grounding out, of losing everything you cherish most. What happens with a game-winning run? The whole stadium cheers! All of Heaven rejoices. Let this turn into a victory lap.

How do I do that?

This is how. Your set-apart times with Me will give you everything you need. You’ve trusted Me for so much; trust Me in this.

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Joy in Grief

God, I’m tired. Pete stayed for the vet, he came around 3 pm, and Mikey insisted on crawling into his lap instead of mine. Please, I want just a few minutes, here.

Rejoice, and again I say, rejoice. Sounds almost cruel, doesn’t it? But you can hold joy and grief in your heart at the same time, just as you can hold Love–or peace–and anger in your heart at the same time. Staying open to joy, to its appearance even if sudden or fleeting in your days will help keep your grief from overwhelming you. Holding to peace and love can help keep you from drowning in anger, being consumed by it. You’ve been very afraid of drowning in one or the other or both, for a very long time. But My Spirit lives in you, and its fruit of Love and Joy and Peace has grown deep roots in you. Don’t look for a banner crop right this second in your feelings–but do look for signs of flowering and growth even in this season. I promise you they are present and they will help you through these next days.

Thank You, God. I love You, Lord.