Category: Fatigue

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A Time to Sleep

Lord, You’ve said I can ask You anything, tell You anything and everything, be with You in and through everything.

Yes?

So, I got nothing.

What do you mean by nothing?

Ha, somehow that reminds me of a line from e.e.cummings, what got him was nothing… but this isn’t that exactly. I think I am just tired, and tired of saying I’m just tired, and feeling like a stuck record, repeating the same worn few notes over and over. I’m tired, I’m tired. The more I say I am tired, the tireder I feel. But to say I have boundless energy! I have amazing stamina! sounds so fake, so false. So do I tell the truth and focus on what is wrong, or what is lacking, or do I lie and say everything is great, if it isn’t?

You are seeing in dualities again. You are confusing truth, reality, perception and your limited experience, and failing to see the third way.

The third way? There is a third way about fatigue?

Of course. The third way is a paradox, both/and instead of either/or. So you are thinking you need to say EITHER I am tired OR I am energized. Why don’t you think what would be a more truthful, and fuller truth statement?

I started the day feeling bleary, got some energy from somewhere but am very tired again now.

And what time is it now?

Almost bedtime.

And you think you should be overflowing with energy because…why exactly? If you had the boundless energy you wish you had, you would only work yourself to a more serious exhaustion. There is the daily tired of tasks done, energy expended, which only needs a good night’s sleep to restore. There is the deeper soul-tired, like the kind that comes with significant times of challenge, challenging relationships or work stress, or financial pressure, or a health issue, maybe even a crisis. You think you are soul-tired but really, your body is tired, your mind is tired, your eyes are tired, and all of that needs consistent good nights of sleep. That’s all. Your soul is not tired. Your soul knows its Source and truthfully, you are working as hard as you are precisely because your soul is not tired. Your soul is receiving enough energy to keep your body and spirit going. All you really need is several nights of truly good sleep. See, that thought made you smile. Your needs and wants really are quite modest. So why don’t you try a third way statement about how you feel?

Ok, how about this: Lord, thank You for today. We are busy, but I still managed to deal with some of the inventory. I was able to connect, even if only briefly, with several customers even though the day was busy overall. I know my body needs rest and refreshing in order to perform at peak. Or even just to stay healthy enough to perform at all. So I am tired tonight, but it is the fatigue that comes from lots of tasks done and the realization there is much more left to do. I am going to bed soon, so I would like to ask Your blessing on my resting, that my sleep might be truly restful, that my body and soul and spirit may each rest and replenish their energy. There. How’s that?

Better. That is honest, acknowledging the truth of how you feel and what you need. That is all I Am asking you to do in these focused times we have together. Be real, be honest, tell Me–which really means, acknowledging in your own hearing as You tell Me–how you feel, where you are, and ask Me to be with you in whatever state you find yourself. I Am there anyway, but I am limited in how I can help you without your cooperation and openness. So when you ask Me for hep, you are opening yourself to My input. That is where change and miracles happen, through your open door.  You know how you say to yourself, I am dog-tired? Think about your dog, how she sleeps, how she eats, how she greets you at the end of her long waiting day, how she plays when she is feeling well. Whatever she is doing, she is all-in. She is completely immersed in that activity. Your attempts to multi-task, even how you try to keep thinking work thoughts when you are supposed to be relaxing, is not helping you, it is actually hindering your ability to get things done. So when it is time to rest, rest. Rest with your whole body and your whole heart. Be like the animals are, and rest in confidence and trust, and see how much better you feel at the start of your day.

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Tumbling Down The Well

Lord, I know what is most important to You is not work. It’s relationship. So what can I do? I feel like I’m side-stepping this problem; no matter how I have tried, I can’t seem to resolve this. I have tried to address symptoms but the underlying drivenness remains. And I do see this, really, as a deficit of character, not as an asset–at least at its current level. Maybe it could be an asset in moderation. So can I, dare I, ask You to help? The only way I can think of to truly make amends is to a)work less and b)quit manifesting anxiety and I am not there, in my own strength.

You can ask Me to remove anything and everything that separates you from My best for you. Do you think this state of being is My best? Do you view this way of being as a gift from Me? Do you think I can help you get everything done? Do you think I can protect you without your having to be hyper-vigilant, like that tv show you watched a while back, about the veteran?

Lord, are You saying I have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder? That’s ridiculous! That’s for victims of trauma, like soldiers or the abused or hurricane victims, or 9-11, right?

2011 was your personal, private, 9-11. The twin towers were Pete’s cancer and Patrick’s death–both sudden, life-never-the-same attacks from outside yourself on your normal everyday life.

God, I’m sobbing now. You say that and bang, I’m sobbing, getting my paper wet. What do I do? What do I do?

You start by being honest. You start by asking for help. You don’t try to hide it, from yourself, from Me, from others.

Lord, I’m really embarrassed. And I’m really ashamed. Shouldn’t this relationship I have with You be enough?

It is because of our connection that you are still functioning at all. You opted to stay strong and power through that time, but you are like a car that is stuck in 4th gear now. You can’t shift. You can’t down-shift, you can’t put it in neutral for more than a few minutes at a time–like here, or walking outside–and even then, your inner motor is revving, just waiting to kick into overdrive again. It’s why you can’t settle. Why you are so restless. Why you don’t make music. Why all of a sudden you struggle to write. Why you can’t remember. You’re on overdrive and on auto-pilot. You’re trying to multitask mentally, juggle all these different must-do’s and need-to’s and shoulds. You’ve gone beyond overload. You’re like a power plant that has been running too long at peak capacity and the whole thing is in danger of shutting down.

Lord, that is my fear, though, that the grid will go down, so to speak. In my life. It is the same fear family members have, I guess. They go around angry. Me, I’m just so afraid…and then this past fall, with Pete…and the other day, with Pete…I feel like I can’t let down my guard for one second. I feel like, if I take a break, take a walk, take a breather, that is the very moment he will need me, and I won’t be right there. So. That is my fear.

I know. And yet, when you stop and think, you realize you are not afraid of Me, and you do trust Me. So you feel confused, too.

Yes, that is true.

These are all symptoms. Sometimes symptoms must increase so the diagnosis can be made, so the condition can be identified and treated.

And You are saying I need professional help? Since I can’t handle this?

Eve, Eve. You did handle this. That is what you are not seeing. You did. You do. You came through like a trooper–but you are still stuck in “like a trooper” mode. That is the problem. You are waiting, 24/7, for the shoe to drop. For the next sudden attack on your life. That’s the problem.

Yes, well. Isn’t that obvious? I mean, hello, isn’t that where we are? Where he is, and where I am? Isn’t that where the whole world is, at some point?

So let Me play this back for you. You are saying the best response to aging is to move into a crisis mode with greater anxiety and less joy, just so you can be prepared for an eventual inevitable disaster? And that is the best I can offer humans for their latter years? And that is the most humans can expect of themselves, each other, and Me? Is that really what you think, or believe?

Well, when You put it that way…

No–you put it that way. You put it that way every time you make a choice to operate from a perspective that says, everything around you is falling apart and it is your responsibility to keep all the pieces together and in play. But everything around you is not falling apart, for one thing, and it is not your responsibility to hold everything together, as I have told you before. It is your responsibility to do what?

To live each day connected to You, and in love. In love with You, in love with Pete, in love with this beautiful, messy world and my beautiful, messy life.

And what part of love, of lovingkindness does the puzzle piece of your stress and anxiety, your fear and drivenness fit?

Lord, it doesn’t. It doesn’t fit the puzzle at all. It is the wrong size and the wrong shape and the wrong color. And it has rough, sharp edges. 

I want you to live “as if.” Some people counsel to live as if you are dying, as if life is shrinking and diminishing and you have to cram as much as you can into every moment. I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to live as though nothing matters and there is no purpose either. I want you to live a third way. I want you to live AS IF this day, every day, is the best day of your life so far. And then get up tomorrow and do that again. Just purpose in your heart, wow, this day is going to be incredible! Then let’s color in what incredible looks and feels like for you. It is different for everyone. For you, it does include both time to reflect and time to create, time to be with those you love and time to be alone, time at the Page with Me and time noticing the natural world. Incredible for you includes beauty in many forms. Words in many genres. Music. Laughter. The affection of furry critters. You’ve tumbled once again down a deep well of grief and you need to climb toward the light. Miraculously, nothing is really broken–yet. And there is a ladder leading up. So let’s climb out together, shall we?