Author: evetureknaturephotography@gmail.com

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Come Apart

Thank You, God, for the sunshine today. Initially I heard a forecast for another in a series of gloomy days, and my heart lurched for our visitors. They work so hard, they wait so long, they have this tiny window of “beach,” of “vacation” and I just want their time to be special for them. And for that, we need at least some sunshine. So I asked You for it, for them. That meant slower sales today, which in turn meant we got other tasks done in the shops, and I came home after day shift in that state of glad-tired that accompanies accomplishment. 

Now I am looking ahead at a genuine day off tomorrow, and already I am filling it in my mind. Yes, I have need-to-do’s. But my friend Judy is playing music at the art show being held in Nags Head, and I want to go. I want to put on shorts, maybe a tee-shirt, and wander the booths and listen to the music. Maybe go to the beach in the guise of a visitor myself! 

Lord, I am going to know folks at that show. Not just Judy, I mean other folks. So even though I am out of the shop, I will still be in a public place and living a public life. When You say, Come Apart, is there a “where” involved? Is there a place where I can go and be with You, less interrupted? Is that even possible?

You want to be anonymous for just a little bit. You have a bright heart-light and it shines wherever you go. Let Me lead you tomorrow to places where, although your love and kindness will be evident, you are not necessarily recognized, so you don’t have to engage in long conversation. The goal tomorrow is for you to listen to yourself. Think about Julia Cameron’s Artist Date advice: the idea is not to discern what others prefer, like, choose, or are drawn to. The idea is to tease these choices, these preferences out for yourself. Take your own advice and notice what you notice. Then, again, notice not what you think but what you feel. Then come back here and report in. Remember, I will be with you the whole time. But reporting in will help cement in your memory all you experience and all you feel.

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Full Circle

Oh, Father God! I just “randomly” — but actually I know I was led — picked up an old, old journal. Spring 2012. I’m thumbing through, and reading about writing. About writing more than dialog–which is exactly what You and I have been talking about, six years, six long years later. So on the page I brainstormed titles, I listed possible themes, and then I turned the page. And reading, I turn the page, and I suddenly feel as if I have stepped into a Time Tunnel (one of my favorite shows as a kid, I had a huge crush on James Darren) and I am somehow suspended there, or that my former self and my current self are meeting in these pages. I am reading back and it is as if I am reading what I wrote just days ago, not years ago.

Here it is: Lord, I’ve always wanted to write fantasy, I suddenly realize, because in fantasy things work out. (Current Note: Like Eden!!) You can envision a world where magic happens, and sets to rights. Where ordinary people receive gifts of power and purpose and use them to make a difference in their worlds. Since you’re the crafter of the world, you can make it “work.” You can make it beautiful. You aren’t “naive” — I hate, I admit it, that criticism of myself but what if I embrace it and instead call it was it is, which is Innocence. (The very thing You JUST asked me to write! Not even a week ago, in 2018!) And prophetic. And creative. And cathartic. Aha, a new and blessed way to think about naive. Aha. Thank You, Lord.

Right about then, six years ago, the dogs woke Pete and I stopped writing. The next day I journaled about an early named storm and the several days of rain to come. And then You answered my barely whispered fear, about the storm, about the economy, in words that, again, echo what You told me just yesterday, about Peace:

The world and its circumstances will try continually to pull you off-center. If you can stay in your center with Me, the tug and pull of that will become less and less. Re-magnetize yourself to My Promises and all this tugging and pulling will switch to pushing–to bringing you even more closely aligned with My Will for you life, which can be summed up in one word: blessing. My Will for your life is blessing. Blessing you and through you blessing others. O, little one, do not be afraid. Your path is peace and that means inner peace most of all. I want you to drink from My River of Peace, Deep Peace. Deep Peace of the Running Wave to you. Deep Peace of the Quiet Pool to you Remember the little shell dove on the path at Bodie Island? I Am not scolding you, I Am soothing you. I Am calming you. Maybe you could find something restful, something peaceful, to do today. You smile at that thought, but I mean it.

Lord, I look around and all that fills my thoughts are the need-to’s.

You need to take a deep breath. Maybe you need to journal. Why don’t you write down some things that bring you peace, that are restful and calming?

So good grief, God! Have I learned nothing in six years?!?  And this can’t be a coincidence, either. Six years ago, You talk to me about writing, and then about peace, deep peace, Inner Peace and Calm. And now, You talk to me about writing and then again, about deep peace. So the two are, they have to be connected.

You dialog with Me on the Page, you play and sing, you photograph, you speak, all from a deep inner spring that connects directly to the depth My Spirit provides. It is much like a spring in the natural, that taps into an underground aquifer of purest water. You need to write from this same depth, but you have spent literally years, decades, capping that well.

So, God, again I turn the page and it is all I can do not to cry, because I have been thinking lately about the music, and here come two full pages of dialog, in which I am asking you the exact same questions I have been asking You now. And then I used the word should, as in should I or shouldn’t I do this or that, and You said could, and You said confirmation and a sense of direction. And I didn’t. I didn’t do one single thing written there, in the list of I could. Not one. 

Now do you understand why I spoke the same words again? Gave you the same prompts again? Led you to this exact notebook and these exact pages, to re-affirm to you, once again, you COULD. Not you must. Not you should. But yes, still, you could.

The chance has not passed, passed me by?

Would I be leading you here again if that were so? I Am the God of many, many chances, of many, many coulds. In some ways you are in a stronger position now. You feel too much time has passed. I Who Am Timeless say, your Time is still Now. Always, still, Now. Even, Now. So you could begin. You could begin again.

Full Circle. You just brought me full circle.

Yes, that is what I do.

How many times, Lord?

As many times as it takes.

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Depth

God, I think about everything going on all around me, and it makes me realize all over again, that I need to practice gratitude, I need to take time to write out affirmations for myself, as a reminder. As a commitment. Like this: I am a blessing in my world. My commitment to love and to peace overrides all other agendas, in my shops, in my home, in my family, in all my relationships and encounters. There. Thank You, God. That feels MUCH better. It’s a choice. I need, I need to make good choices.

How would it be, how would it feel, if you spent a day, a whole day, not worrying? Not worrying about Pete. Not worrying about others’ moods or reactions. What if you could spend one entire day worry-free? What would fill your mind? What would fill your heart?

Gee, God, I don’t know! What would fill my mind? Are You saying it’s possible?

Do you think Jesus spent His days worrying?

Well, no. Of course not.

So if you can have the Mind of Christ, doesn’t that imply a new way to think? Not just new thoughts, but a new mechanism of thinking altogether?

A new mechanism?

Think for a minute about the ocean, how different it looks depending on the light, the wind, the sky, the time of day, whether there is fog–yet in all those appearances, the ocean is still itself. Sea life still teems beneath its surface.

Yes.

So much of what you see and think when you think “ocean” is, literally, on the surface. The same is true when you look at those around you. You see the surface-conditions and I see the heart. I see the depth and you see, mostly, the shallows.

So, Lord, what do You see when You look at me?

I see complexities of longings. I see multiplicities of gifts. And at the surface, I see you still settling for much less than I want to give you, and give through you.

But. There’s a BUT. I can feel it.

You are trying hard to maintain calm at the surface. If you can ever fully embrace calm at your depth, which is to say, to live from My assurance that all is well, then your surface calm will be a reflection of the calm and peace within. The BUT is, you are trying to live this backwards. You think you can project or engineer an outward calm by force of will and it will somehow penetrate inside you. Go deep, find peace there, and you will find within all you need to go long.

To go long?

Yes. To live out your days in genuine peace, in the Peace that passes understanding, in the Peace that does not waver or falter. In My Peace.

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Art Journaling

I had a good day today. I did relax–I worked for a couple of hours in my art journal, which is creative, intuitive, spiritual and sometimes prophetic. The pages soothe my mind and soul when I cannot be outside, and today, though the weather was pretty enough, I felt I needed to just stay put at home. That decision meant I could also do some necessary mundane chores like laundry, and I was also available here if Pete needed me as he began to slowly make sense of the I-have-no-idea-where-anything-is that was his frame shop at the Nags Head gallery. The banner accomplishment for him today was to hook up the computerized mat cutter and determine that it handled the move admirably and is cutting nice straight sharp lines, as a mat cutter should. I know he is relieved about that. Then we sat in our swing for about an hour in late afternoon, just a-swinging. Really a perfect day.

I am always amazed when I sit down with my art journal and just let myself respond to whatever catches my interest. I thumbed back through pages I had collaged over the past couple of years. I tend to combine imagery and words in these pages. Sometimes I know exactly what I mean when I create them, and sometimes I have no idea why THIS should go with THAT. But later, the pattern I chose seemingly at random makes more sense. One thing I spotted on a page today was a pendant with an uplifting word. We wound up ordering something very similar from an American artist when we went to Philadelphia last February! I did not consciously recall putting that image on one of my pages, but it was there to remind me to pay attention to everything that tugs at my attention, however lightly. Whispers can mean as much as shouts, sometimes even more.

You are learning to listen to the Still Small Voice. Sometimes that Voice is My Own Voice, wooing you. And sometimes the voice you hear is your own. You have tended to devalue that voice, many times. But I find it precious. I Am glad you are beginning to listen to yourself and count your own thoughts and words as valid.

Lord, that reminds me. I had another sudden insight several days ago. I was thinking about how we humans do like to rank order. We put ourselves first, or last, or somewhere in the middle. And as I was thinking, I saw in my mind’s eye a vertical line, just a straight line, as if it were made up of humans, as if humanity were arranged in some sort of ladder-fashion. Who would be at the top and bottom? Where would each person fit in? We tend to think in all those terms. But then suddenly I saw instead a horizontal line, as if all of humanity were strung out like that old Cola commercial, holding hands, standing shoulder to shoulder. No rank-ordering. Every single person as important as the next, but each one an individual. And in that instant I realized, that is how You see us. All of us. Each of us and all of us and all at once. Not rank-ordered, but as individuals, and yet essentially a part of the whole, as You said the other day. No missing pieces. It was beautiful, actually, what I saw. 

More and more you are seeing the world as I see it and as it views itself. Which is reality, you wonder. The paradox is, both offer views of humanity that are realistic. Yet only My View is sustainable. The usual world’s view of itself is doomed to failure, sooner or later, because it is not based in Love. Any view not based in Love will eventually lead to an absence of all the other virtues, like Peace or Goodness or Kindness or Justice or Faith. You have the ability to hold both views at once, and to work and pray to help the view I see become truer and truer in your experience of reality. That is really all you can do, and it is hard work at times. But for all those who wish to work for Peace and Love and Justice, holding My View of the world is essential. So the next time you are tempted to become impatient in line, or while on the road driving, remember how I see all of you. No one of you is more important–or less important–in My Eyes. Each of you is fully and completely Loved by Me. That does not mean I Love or Approve of everyone’s individual actions. Far from it! Love demands an honest scrutiny of motive and means, and humanity falls far short of Love most of the time. You see, it is My Love that sustains the Universe. Never mind some don’t accept that reality; that is the truth.

That reminds me suddenly of some old joke, God, or something. How did it go?

What you are trying to remember is this. All humans may not believe in Me, but I believe in all humans. And that is humanity’s grace and your hope.

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Solitude and Service

God, I had an aha moment today. A friend halfway around the world and I were texting–have I thanked You lately for the technology that, first, allowed us to find each other after 40 years, and second, allows us to so easily keep in touch–anyway, we were texting and she asked me if I am an introvert. And I replied that yes, I am. Here is, basically, what I said to her, what led up to my eureka. 

I love people, I said. I love talking to people, getting to know folks, sharing with them, and I think I am a born storyteller. HOWEVER, all that being true, it is also true that I recharge in solitude. That is, in solitude deliberately spent one-on-one with You, and preferably, outside. I need time and space, I said. I need alone time precisely to fill up again so that I can go back into the world and give out, give-away. And then, depleted, I need to go back into solitude to recharge, and be able to go back to my public life. Finally, I noted that I always feel as if I need to apologize for wanting alone time, for feeling that I need it, and I don’t know how to really ask for what I want, what it seems I need.

Then I said how this whole conundrum reminded me of something Richard Rohr wrote about Jesus, how Jesus needed His time alone in communion with the Father in order to go out into the world and minister. That was my aha moment. If Jesus needed time “alone” — meaning, not with the crowds but not even with His disciples either — then surely it is okay if I do. No wonder I feel out of balance, or unrested. I am not honoring the process at all! It was exciting, actually, to have a door of understanding swing so easily open. What is not so easy is trying to explain it to all the people in my life who rely on me for so many different things–or whose life experience or personality is different enough from mine that they genuinely have no frame of reference to understand what I need, or why I need it.  So what would You say about that?

Richard Rohr goes on to write about creativity, about the need for solitude and recharge time as well as time immersed in the world for creativity to flourish. That is certainly true of you, and it explains why you feel stymied creatively much of the time. What I told you recently about healing and restoring the part of you that is a writer is tied directly to this need you have to both go within and without. This is the Way to find your path within prayerful solitude, the path that leads directly to the making a difference you so passionately want to do, in your world. It is a circular sort of path, not unlike a labyrinth, in that you will constantly be circling back through solitude and out into the world, as long as you remain committed both to Me and to the calling you sense so strongly, to share. You have thought these were opposites instead of two essential halves making up a whole, a whole life. Instead of either/or, this is another both/and, and the combination makes The Third Way. It is not selfish of you to need time alone; it is essential. I made you for this. Let that sink in. I made you, as you are. I made you to need, to crave, time apart, and I made you to long to give to others. Let the war within you cease now. Embrace the totality of who you are, who I have made you to be, and be. Be fully, deeply both/and.

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3:30

After a decent night’s sleep, I woke up thinking about the period, a couple years back, when I suddenly seemed unable to wear a watch. Any watch. No matter what watch I put on, it would stop running. Take it off, lay it on the nightstand, and it would start again; put it back on, and it would stop. I met folks with similar experiences and we chalked it all up to something in our bodies’ electrical systems, or our salt balances, something. There had to be some explanation. Privately I thought maybe it was You trying to get my attention, to slow down maybe, or to give more heed to how I spent my hours. Whatever the cause or message, I finally found a watch I could wear and it kept time perfectly for at least 18 months. Until it didn’t. That very morning, the morning I woke up remembering how I stopped time, I reached for my watch after getting dressed to find it had quit running in the night! What sort of coincidence–or foreknowing–is that? To make the whole situation more interesting, my watch stopped at 3:30. It is a beautiful analog watch, so it doesn’t indicate a.m. or p.m. There it was, standing still at 3:30–which for my entire school life, from 1st through 12th grade, was the end of my school day. That time, 3:30, has always signaled school’s out, and a corresponding feeling of freedom. For 11 of those 12 years, 3:30 meant I could come out of my daily uniform (seniors were exempt) and get into “play clothes.” In earlier years, the day transitioned at 3:30 into a snack and play-time; in later years of course, there was homework to be done, and perhaps after school responsibilities and activities. Now, one of the shops I own has weekday shifts that change at 3:30 pm, as one set of folks ends their opening shift, and another begins what will be the closing shift. I stopped today and got a new battery and my watch is keeping perfect time again. But I just have to ask You–was this a coincidence? Or is there some larger message here, as I suspect?

For a brief period you had a chance to live as I live, Timeless. So much of your life is bound by time and ruled by time rather than by the events themselves.

God, I am suddenly remembering–we have talked about this before–taking a trip on a sailboat in the fall of 1982, and the captain took my watch when I climbed aboard. For this week, he said, you will drink when you are thirsty, eat when you are hungry, and sleep when you are sleepy. I was almost panicky at first. Of course there were no cell phones, so work could not reach me, and in fact, my employer at the time had already recognized my tendencies toward overwork and my need for a break. 

And here we are. Again. Looking together at your tendency toward overwork and your need for a break. How was your playdate?

What playdate? The one You invited me to? Well…I don’t know where it went. I mean, I worked past the end of my shift, for one thing. I didn’t stop at 3:30! So all of a sudden when I did leave, I had stops to make, and it was a hustle just getting them done before I got home for dinner. As it was, I didn’t make the bank, so that had to be put off until today. After dinner I did play my guitar for a bit, not long, but that felt wonderful.

Why did you stop?

I had bills to pay, checks to write. As it was, that took the rest of the evening. I quit about 11:40. I wasn’t finished but I was oh-so-done. And tired. I was tired. I am tired. 

So now you have a couple of days in which you have a choice. You can always find ways to fill your timecard with chores. The chores will always be present. You have to decide whether you are worthy, as an adult, as a responsible, diligent adult, of downtime. Of rest and recreation and play. I Am not going to force it on you, and I Am not going to cause illness if you don’t. But understand this. Your body was never meant to run at a gallop, day after day after day, without resting. Neither was your mind and neither was your heart. Something will eventually give, not as punishment, not because I caused it, but because you are wearing yourself out prematurely. Your battery inevitably runs down. You can prolong its life, you can prolong your life, and the quality of your life, by paying attention to some essentials. Play is an essential you tend to neglect. So why don’t you take another look at your weekend, and truly make it a weekend? Think back to your childhood glee at 3:30, or better yet, at the last day of school, and let’s try to rekindle some of that excitement in your very adult life.

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Play Date

I didn ‘t blog at all last night. I closed, got home at 10, changed, ate a full dinner probably about 10:15 or 10:20 and was in bed shortly after 11. I just couldn’t do it. So what would You say about that? My idea was to try to upload something short, simple, this morning. But. But it is almost 8:30 and I need to leave in 45 minutes. And shower and dress and eat and…well. You get the idea. I open today. So. Can You talk to me quickski?

What you need to know quickski is I love you, I see you, I hear you, I’m with you and I Am so proud of you. Isn’t that what children really need from their parents?

Let Me be Father-God to you today. You are working hard. Let’s fold in a little play-date today, you and Me. How about it? See, you are smiling. That’s better. Now take My Hand and let’s see what sorts of adventures we can have in the midst of your busy workday, shall we?

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Innocence

NOTE: Written intended for the evening of June 4th.

So this is wild. I can open the internet, get on google, whatever. Anywhere, basically, but my wordpress blog site! Frustrating and attention-getting all at once. 

I was going to write, I cherish the Quiet and it is not quiet right now. But all is well. Moving machinery today went well, thank You for that and for all the help we have had. Between OBX Movers and Pete’s daughters MaryAnn and Faith, and his son Pete coming for benches and tool boxes, all the large, heavy stuff is home now. What is left we can handle ourselves. What a relief! I worked on a new lyric today, inspired by Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. I like the way the lyric is coming along but the melody needs more work. 

So, back to the internet. I try again. Nope, it’s stuck. So unless it resolves in the next hour or so, I can’t upload a blog. Hmm. 

I spent about half an hour early this morning before I got up, trying to picture the scene You described, the mirroring river. What I saw was more like a whole country, bucolic, pastoral, beautiful, and everyone there was living in pure love, innocent, trusting. It was like a glimpse of the earth if Eden had persisted. It was amazing, actually, like watching some fantasy movie of some other planet, some other earth. I kept thinking, this is what You intended. This is what You created us, all of us, the whole planet of us, the whole universe for. That sense of innocence and freedom. Everyone was smiling. 

I didn’t see a figure that looked like You, I mean like the movies or visual artists have portrayed You, but it was more as if You were everywhere present, Your Spirit making the water sparkle and glinting off the trees in the sunlight. There was something palpable in the very feel of the place. I wanted to go there for real, and for always. I wanted to live there somehow. I am honestly not sure if I was being given a glimpse of what might have been, of what is on some other physical planet in the present, or of our future mode of existence in a heavenly state. Writing that, I have the sense of yes, yes, and yes. As if all three of those possible scenarios were happening at once. Hmmm.

You see, already your writer is engaged in a different way. You saw in your mind’s eye, as you like to say, and what you saw you are trying to describe, to put into words. The healing we have spoken of, the restoration, is already beginning. Remember not to try too hard and just flow with the feelings you have.

Well, the feelings I had, have, are pretty wonderful, I can tell You that!

Good. That was the idea. Remember that I told you, this doesn’t have to be hard.

So, what did I see? Was it real?

Try not to worry too much at this stage about real versus imagination. I Am trying to spark and inspire your imagination. You had a real vision from Me, yes. What you do with that vision is yours to shape, as a writer. See how this works? What do you want this to be? You get to make that choice. You get to decide if what you saw is Eden, is some parallel-universe reality, is heaven. As a writer, you are a co-creator. You know this; you have been greatly inspired by C.S. Lewis, and J. R. R. Tolkien, and others. You know the power of imagination on younger and older minds and hearts. So don’t analyze! Flow. Just flow.

So I just spent a good hour going through images to post with this entry. I finally found something that will work, but I didn’t find exactly what I was looking for.

And why do you think that is?

I have a feeling You are going to tell me.

You tell Me.

Because what I saw is meant for me to write first. IF I ever see the place in “real life” here on planet Earth, it will be after the words. Not before. My description in words will come first.

Yes, exactly. See? You are catching on quickly. Didn’t I tell you this was going to be fun?

So you want me to write about…

I want you to write about Innocence.

 

 

 

 

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Mirroring

God, I feel as if I can talk to You about anything. And increasingly, at any time. So I want to talk to You about my fingers. About this decades-old habit, started when I was, what? You know. Three? Four? Five? This lifelong habit I have of picking my fingers, which drives Pete crazy, and which, for all these years, I have assumed You judged me for. I certainly have judged myself. And in that judgment, I named the habit sin, which I really think, thought, it is. Until I was falling asleep–or between sleep and waking–and You said, I think it was You, something extraordinary. And I want and need to talk to You about it.

You said You didn’t see this habit as sin. Is that true? Was that You, that sudden thought in my head, so contrary to the way I have thought?

Yes, that was Me. What I need you to understand is that all the times you felt prompted by Me to stop, those leadings were not to lead you out of something I was judging you guilty for. I have asked you to stop because of what the habit is doing to you. I see, deeper than you yourself see, the sense of shame and guilt and even despair you carry, over this seemingly simple little habit. You began as a way to handle stress and tension in your house when you were a very young child. You have used it ever since, when you were tired, or stressed, or afraid, or under any kind of accusation. To keep yourself silent, you took to tearing at yourself.

Let Me ask you a question. In fact, let Me ask you several questions.

Would you reach over, take Pete’s hands in yours, and begin systematically to tear at his fingers?

No, of course not!

Would you do this to a close friend?

No.

To an acquaintance, perhaps?

No.

How about a stranger? Would you feel free, would you be motivated, to do that  to a stranger’s hands?

No, Lord. You know not.

Well, how about someone who hurt you? Would you reach out and hurt them back in this way?

NO.

Okay, well, what about an animal, then? Would you do something comparable to an animal?

No, never.

So. Last question. Would you, if you could be with Me in a physical way, would you do this to Me?

No, Lord, of course not!

Look at what you are saying. You are making yourself less than anyone else you would ever know, or meet. Less than the animals, whom you purport to love.

I do love them, You know I do.

Here is what I know: you do not yet fully love yourself. You have not yet fully received the depth, the breadth, the length and the height of My love for you. I have asked you to stop, and told you that stopping will open doors to greater service and ministry, not because this habit is sinful in My eyes, but because it reveals you are not yet fully healed, fully whole. You don’t see yourself as I see you, and you see yourself much less clearly than you see every other living thing on the planet.

Lord, something set me off this past spring. Sometimes I know my triggers but this time I am not sure what did it. I was fine, I was okay all during Pete not feeling well last fall, and holidays with family which are always stressful, and then the decision to move Yellowhouse, everything involved with that, and then suddenly something upset me to the point I started again.

And the shame of starting has fueled you to continue. That is what I want to address, and relieve–your deep sense of shame. Every one of My Children is worthy of love, of My Love. Every one of My Children begins as a precious and innocent being. And as you well know, I will move heaven and earth to show each one the truth of that Love. So what do I have to do, what can I say, to bring you to a place where the mirror you look deeply into is My Eyes of Love for you?

That sounds like a Vision Quest question.

Indeed it is. You have an old, flawed, distorted mirror. I would like to lead you away from that mirror to a place where you can see a clear, honest, pure reflection. You have been afraid to come to that place, seeing it as a place of shame and accusation, which is what you are running from, and what your tearing at your fingers is an expression of. But I Am calling you, asking you, pleading with you, please stop running. Stop running from your own precious self. Stop running from the you I see, the you I love, the you I chose before you were even born. Be willing to live in the light I Am offering you now, and I promise you, the compulsion you have felt for the past five-and-a-half decades will lose its grip and its power on your mind and your heart.

I Am asking you because your pain grieves Me, and I would relieve it. But we must be partners for that to happen. Because this originated in your feelings about yourself, you have to have a part in its resolution. This isn’t a work I can do by Myself; I need you as My Partner in your wholeness.

Okay, Lord. I really do want to be free of it. 

Yes, I know you do. But hear Me well — you need to be free of your distorted view of yourself, in order to be free of the habit you so despise. You think the habit is causing the distorted self-image, but I tell you, the reverse is true. The distorted self-image is manifesting in your habit, not the other way around. So Come. Come to My Pool of Reflection; stand here beside Me, look into My Love and see what I see. You–and your life–will never be the same.

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Runner

Well, this was certainly an interesting ten days. I am not sure what I expected, exactly, in the middle of a busy-busy stretch. Holiday weeks are always busier at the shop and this one included inventory deliveries as well as lots of folks to serve. I write that and I smile. It’s true, I really do think of the galleries as places of ministry as well as places of commerce, of sales. Art ministers. I watch it happen over and over. And I love that. I am so grateful that my commerce-life revolves around beauty and talent and investment in the gifts given. I love that.

So in a traditional sort of Vision Quest, the quester would debrief, so to speak. Come to the tribal or traditional equivalent of a spiritual director, report in, and seek feedback. Sometimes that feedback would be revelation, a new name, or confirmation of what the quester discerned. So here I am, coming to You. What stood out? That is the question first asked.

Well, one big thing unfolded over a couple of days. I went looking for the mama bear and four cubs, whom I did not get a clear view of, and instead was startled near dusk by a deer I obviously startled first, because she darted out from the brush in front of my car and then raced ahead down the road. Gosh, she was fast! Then she bounded off to the other side of the road and I lost sight of her. The whole thing made me recall a name I thought You spoke to me maybe 30 years ago–Running Deer. And a line from a poem that is from 2007, “footprints like hearts through my day”–because deer’s hoof prints are in fact heart-shaped. Maybe I will put the whole poem here. 

The Wood Between The Worlds

You are always

Breathing out

Largesse

I inhale hurriedly

The ten thousand things

Scarcely notice

Your breath, my life

You wait

Slow still center

I come to ground

Gently deciduous

Float leaflike

Your breath

CS Lewis says

Nothing much happens

Look again

Nothing

Much happens

The trees go on growing

I follow

Footprints like hearts

Through my day

You breathe out

I breathe in

Connected

There. That makes me happy.

 

Why? Why does that make you happy?

Because it’s the real me. It is how I feel, how I think.

This quest was all about authenticity, finding and owning your authentic self.

Yes, well, after that whole deer episode, a couple days later I was driving on the beach road, and up ahead of me was what looked like a school activity or athletic bus, pulled over, half on and half off the road. I skirted around it, no problem, but in huge letters across the back of the bus were the words Running Deer. THAT got my attention! So I have been trying to think, running from what? Running to what? And You said, running with whom?

And what do you think is your answer?

I think I am running from how I actually feel, a lot of the time. I am trying to be responsible and diligent and on top of things; I feel disorganized and frustrated and stressed, and honestly, I miss being outside. But You said this time was to help restore my writer. So what does Running Deer have to do with that?

You don’t write because writing is all about feeling for you. It is not so much about thought–it used to be, but not anymore. You have made a shift from what you think to what you feel, and because you are so used to hiding what you feel, you have put a straitjacket on your writing self. And speaking of thinking, you THINK no one cares what you think or feel. And you are so mistaken. You could not be more mistaken. I care. I, the Lord of the Universe, care what you think, and I care what you feel. You want so much not to offend anyone, and to be as loving as you can to everyone. That is what you feel. You want to give everyone, anyone, another chance, a break, a massive break. That is what you feel. You get frustrated, as you said, and then you take your frustration out on yourself for not doing more, not being more, when what is really the issue is that you see folks around you who don’t seem to care even half as much as you do. You see that, and you think, how could they waste this life? How could they waste this day? How could they waste this minute? And you have been reluctant to name your frustration, because you want so much to give them, all of them, another chance.

Don’t they get that, God? Another chance, I mean. 

Yes of course. Always. But that doesn’t mean you need to consume yourself with their choices. It is essential that you begin to name, to yourself in My Presence, how you really feel. That is not judging, that is not criticizing, especially if you never verbalize it beyond the page, the private page with Me. But you need to be more honest. It is not that you lie, it is that you are trying to hard to be who you think I want you to be, instead of just being the glorious creation you already are. What did you read this week?

Oh yes! That quote! So it came in an email from Richard Rohr, whose writing I like very much, but the quote itself came from Dr. Howard Thurman. “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” And then, I was placing a re-order with ceramic artisans for lamps and plaques, and they had a word plaque with that exact quote! So I took that as a confirmation.

You have answered this before. It is time for you to answer this again. Not here, not right now. Over the course of the next week. Keep breathing in the question and breathing out your answer: what makes you come alive, Eve? You think you know the answer. Don’t just think. Feel. What makes you come alive?