Author: evetureknaturephotography@gmail.com

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Off Duty

So, Lord, I think this new cloak of mine is going to take a lot of getting used to. I was just sitting here thinking I felt pretty good, had a decent day, because (drum roll) I got so much done! Sheesh. 

It’s not about doing versus not-doing. It is about with what attitude are you doing. How did you feel today, running your errands, doing your paperwork?

I felt fairly relaxed for the most part, except once or twice, when I looked at the clock and felt that sense of being rushed, or rather, not moving fast enough myself. I did try to think all day long about what You said yesterday. I wasn’t sure how to switch gears exactly, but now that I think back, for the most part I wasn’t revved up. I made a list so I wouldn’t forget anything, and actually did all but one thing–I would have done that too but it was raining too hard at that point for that particular errand.

So you can actually balance your life with your work and your chores. You see? You were able to reach out briefly to friends today. You did your errands. You made real progress preparing for your upcoming buying trip. And you did it all with much less anxiety. You even got a little extra sleep this morning! You tried to remember to drink more water and you took bathroom breaks. I would say, for your first day, you were a great success wearing your new cloak!

Thanks, God. I do feel good tonight. I do. I even noodled around with a new lyric, sort of, in the car. And Kaylee was more affectionate, more playful, than she has been in a while. I could almost believe she sensed the change too.

Almost? You know how sensitive animals are. If such a change makes such a difference in her behavior in just one day, imagine the benefits that await you long-term.

You know, God, at one point this morning, I caught myself slipping into those old familiar thought patterns and I literally interrupted myself to say, no, today is going to be an incredible day!

And was it?

I am sitting here right now, feeling–and I do mean that word, feeling, I can feel Quiet, I can feel Calm. Peaceful. I am feeling at peace. I am feeling at peace with myself. That’s huge. And yes, I would have to label that as pretty incredible.

And what is happening to the earth?

Ha, God, You are so funny. It is spinning, spinning on its axis, revolving around the sun, keeping its place in the Universe. And all without me having to worry about it, ha! 

I Am not making fun of you. But it is helpful for you to see for yourself how playful and joyous this life can once again be, as long as you are focused on Being, on Being your best self. Sure, go, do–but from a center of being. And what did I promise you? That you will be even more productive, accomplish even more, and operate from a position of even more energy. So how do you feel physically?

I know bedtime is coming and I think I will sleep, but I don’t feel that same overarching fatigue I have been having. AND…this is incredible…although I planned to drink coffee in the afternoon, I didn’t. Somehow I didn’t need it. I got along just fine without it.

And you are not feeling exhausted now?

No. I’m not. I am actually feeling pretty good. Guess that will go down on my gratitude list tonight. Thank You, Lord.

Yes, I guess it will. Thank you–for receiving My peace. You know, I have called you to be a peacemaker, and a peacekeeper. And that begins with days like today, days when you are at peace first with yourself.

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Cloak of Responsibility

Here is the best–and worst– part about old journals, Lord–busted, I’m busted. So a few days ago I was rejoicing over the growth I saw, looking back at pages from 15 years ago. Well I read a little further and I stumbled on an entry from mid-May that could have been written yesterday. Sure, the circumstances were different then–I was finishing up a later-in-life undergrad degree, studying for exams and preparing papers, but the stress responses, the fatigue, and my desperate, articulated on the page need for some time outside was identical. So writing that down, i think I see two things: this is not a new issue, a new problem and I think it dates all the way back to my school years; and second, the outdoors has been my safe soothing place for a long, long time.

So I really want to copy down here what I wrote there and then. Because I need to talk to You about this. I wish it could be once and for all. But maybe it can at least be for now. “In one sense I have no business doing anything but run this marathon called spring quarter (substitute, get open for season) but…I have a ton of buts. But I’m so tired. But I’m said. But my head is in a vice. But…but I want a break, not a big break–but some small break, some outside, outdoors break. Change focus. I deliberately am not going to write three pages, takes too long. Instead I’m going to shower and leave and go somewhere. Sounds rebellious just to write that down. Why should a morning beach walk or the Ridge be rebellious? Because duty has tons of tasks right here. When is a break ok? When I’m breaking? I don’t know.” WHEW! Yikes. May, 2003. 

I have a flood of memory. Being on call for work, in an era before cell phones, so that I didn’t dare even go to the beach for more than an hour even on the weekend “in case” I was called, called in to work or to answer a question or attend some meeting. Good grief. I remember unplugging the phone for a solid weekend and my roommate and I binge watching wonderful movies, Ghandi and Biko and I can’t recall what else. Something Native American but I don’t remember the title. I remember how I felt good and bad, doing that. I remember talking to the personnel director at the time, about all the extra work I was being expected to do after hours, but because my bosses were committee volunteers, I was told there was nothing I could do about it–and stay employed. Of course I did what I do. I stayed employed! It was seven years later and it took my mom’s illness before I finally left that job. But obviously I didn’t leave the mindset.

God, Great Creator, Your own Name is I Am. Not I Do. How can You help me?

SO much in your culture, your schooling, your family, your past employment, and even the example set by your husband extols and rewards work, effort, productivity. You have been well trained, trained to perform. But life is not a circus, and you are not a trick pony. Nor are you a racehorse. Nor are you destined to plod, plod along pulling a plow. When you picture a horse, what image comes to mind first?

Running free. Running over the plains. Running by the sea. 

Freedom to Be, that is what comes first. Essence of Horse, yes? So what is Essence of Eve? That is what I want you to ask yourself, tonight and in the morning and in the days ahead. I will give you a hint–it is not what you think. It is not what first comes to mind. Your gifts, your talents, and yes your working life, these are outpourings in particular channels of an inner life. I want you to think less about the channels and more about the spring, more about the river. I want you to think more about the Essence. More about Being. Not about Being Efficient. Not about Being Organized. Not about Being Productive or Being Successful. Not even about Being Faithful, which you translate into productivity and effort, into doing and away from merely being.

Eve means Life. “Mother of all Living” — which you have chuckled over, adopting stray cats, calling yourself Mama. You have chuckled and donned a mantle of great and grave responsibility. Once before I asked you for a cloak, to give Me the cloak you were wearing. Do you remember?

Lord, how can I forget? Of course I remember. “I clutched my grief to my body like a robe/said it is all that is mine I have left/but I threw it down at Your feet and turned to go/cold, alone, bereft”

And what happened next, in your vision, in your lyric?

You led me to the beach. You wrapped a new warm something around my shoulders. You began to heal that broken place inside.

Somewhere along the way, you abandoned the cloak I gave you, and you wove for yourself a new one–this mantle of responsibility. It is neither keeping you warm nor keeping you dry. And I want you to do what I asked you to do years ago. Give Me your mantle. Give Me your sense of weighty responsibility, that feeling you have that so much depends on you and your effort, from your family’s health and safety to the health and safety of friends, to the success of your business and every artist whose work you so lovingly steward. Can you do that? Can you trust Me with your mantle, one more time?

Gosh God, there is blood and sweat and tears on this shawl. I don’t mean to be dramatic but there are a lot of years woven into these threads. Does this mean all that work, all that effort did not count?

No, little one. What it means is that you are trying to fit into a garment that was never meant for you. What I have for you to wear is a mystical, magical coat. It will grow as you grow. Its threads shimmer and gleam in moonlight and sunlight. It is soft and gentle to the touch yet the sharpest arrows of accusation cannot penetrate its weave. This is My Weaving, and I have spent all your life preparing it for you, for this moment. For the moment you are willing to let go, and begin to Be. Live into your name, live into your loves, live into your life. Give Me your heavy mantle. Slip on your new coat. Here is its first secret: see its color change as you tap deeply into the Essence of who you are, who I have made and called you to be.

One more thing. You can’t easily hide in this coat. This is not a camouflage garment. You will be both more conspicuous and more free, wearing it. You want to see how you look? Your reflection pool will be found first in the eyes of those closest to you, from animals to people you love who love you back.

Lord, what are You going to do with my old cloak, the one I just took off?

Give that cloak no more thought. I Am going to light a fire, to warm your winter and help light your way. This is not the sort of garment to hand down to anyone else, you know. And it had gotten way too heavy to wear in warmer weather, and your busier season. You would have fallen, trying to bear it.  How does your new coat feel?

It, it feels lightweight. And oh my goodness, I just moved my neck and it is moving more freely, less stiff, less pain.

The lightness in your spirit will translate directly into lightness for your bones, and energy for your body and mind. And paradoxically, into more restful sleep as well. So sleep tight, little one. Snuggle into your coat. Let Me teach you about restful labor, and energizing rest.

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Tumbling Down The Well

Lord, I know what is most important to You is not work. It’s relationship. So what can I do? I feel like I’m side-stepping this problem; no matter how I have tried, I can’t seem to resolve this. I have tried to address symptoms but the underlying drivenness remains. And I do see this, really, as a deficit of character, not as an asset–at least at its current level. Maybe it could be an asset in moderation. So can I, dare I, ask You to help? The only way I can think of to truly make amends is to a)work less and b)quit manifesting anxiety and I am not there, in my own strength.

You can ask Me to remove anything and everything that separates you from My best for you. Do you think this state of being is My best? Do you view this way of being as a gift from Me? Do you think I can help you get everything done? Do you think I can protect you without your having to be hyper-vigilant, like that tv show you watched a while back, about the veteran?

Lord, are You saying I have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder? That’s ridiculous! That’s for victims of trauma, like soldiers or the abused or hurricane victims, or 9-11, right?

2011 was your personal, private, 9-11. The twin towers were Pete’s cancer and Patrick’s death–both sudden, life-never-the-same attacks from outside yourself on your normal everyday life.

God, I’m sobbing now. You say that and bang, I’m sobbing, getting my paper wet. What do I do? What do I do?

You start by being honest. You start by asking for help. You don’t try to hide it, from yourself, from Me, from others.

Lord, I’m really embarrassed. And I’m really ashamed. Shouldn’t this relationship I have with You be enough?

It is because of our connection that you are still functioning at all. You opted to stay strong and power through that time, but you are like a car that is stuck in 4th gear now. You can’t shift. You can’t down-shift, you can’t put it in neutral for more than a few minutes at a time–like here, or walking outside–and even then, your inner motor is revving, just waiting to kick into overdrive again. It’s why you can’t settle. Why you are so restless. Why you don’t make music. Why all of a sudden you struggle to write. Why you can’t remember. You’re on overdrive and on auto-pilot. You’re trying to multitask mentally, juggle all these different must-do’s and need-to’s and shoulds. You’ve gone beyond overload. You’re like a power plant that has been running too long at peak capacity and the whole thing is in danger of shutting down.

Lord, that is my fear, though, that the grid will go down, so to speak. In my life. It is the same fear family members have, I guess. They go around angry. Me, I’m just so afraid…and then this past fall, with Pete…and the other day, with Pete…I feel like I can’t let down my guard for one second. I feel like, if I take a break, take a walk, take a breather, that is the very moment he will need me, and I won’t be right there. So. That is my fear.

I know. And yet, when you stop and think, you realize you are not afraid of Me, and you do trust Me. So you feel confused, too.

Yes, that is true.

These are all symptoms. Sometimes symptoms must increase so the diagnosis can be made, so the condition can be identified and treated.

And You are saying I need professional help? Since I can’t handle this?

Eve, Eve. You did handle this. That is what you are not seeing. You did. You do. You came through like a trooper–but you are still stuck in “like a trooper” mode. That is the problem. You are waiting, 24/7, for the shoe to drop. For the next sudden attack on your life. That’s the problem.

Yes, well. Isn’t that obvious? I mean, hello, isn’t that where we are? Where he is, and where I am? Isn’t that where the whole world is, at some point?

So let Me play this back for you. You are saying the best response to aging is to move into a crisis mode with greater anxiety and less joy, just so you can be prepared for an eventual inevitable disaster? And that is the best I can offer humans for their latter years? And that is the most humans can expect of themselves, each other, and Me? Is that really what you think, or believe?

Well, when You put it that way…

No–you put it that way. You put it that way every time you make a choice to operate from a perspective that says, everything around you is falling apart and it is your responsibility to keep all the pieces together and in play. But everything around you is not falling apart, for one thing, and it is not your responsibility to hold everything together, as I have told you before. It is your responsibility to do what?

To live each day connected to You, and in love. In love with You, in love with Pete, in love with this beautiful, messy world and my beautiful, messy life.

And what part of love, of lovingkindness does the puzzle piece of your stress and anxiety, your fear and drivenness fit?

Lord, it doesn’t. It doesn’t fit the puzzle at all. It is the wrong size and the wrong shape and the wrong color. And it has rough, sharp edges. 

I want you to live “as if.” Some people counsel to live as if you are dying, as if life is shrinking and diminishing and you have to cram as much as you can into every moment. I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to live as though nothing matters and there is no purpose either. I want you to live a third way. I want you to live AS IF this day, every day, is the best day of your life so far. And then get up tomorrow and do that again. Just purpose in your heart, wow, this day is going to be incredible! Then let’s color in what incredible looks and feels like for you. It is different for everyone. For you, it does include both time to reflect and time to create, time to be with those you love and time to be alone, time at the Page with Me and time noticing the natural world. Incredible for you includes beauty in many forms. Words in many genres. Music. Laughter. The affection of furry critters. You’ve tumbled once again down a deep well of grief and you need to climb toward the light. Miraculously, nothing is really broken–yet. And there is a ladder leading up. So let’s climb out together, shall we?

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Gentleness

The past few days, I either haven’t had my usual morning time, or the entries have been specific and personal and not something intended for sharing with a wider audience. Often after my usual here’s-what-is-going-on-with-me, and here-is-what-the-weather-is, and here-is-what-I-plan-to-do-today I will write, Oh, Lord, what would You say? So Lord, what would You say? What would You tell those reading this?

Tell them I love them. Tell them to trust their senses–in their own way, each is very sensitive. Tell them, this isn’t meant to be so hard. There are lots of reasons why it’s become so–individual reasons and cultural reasons–but My intention all along was to be and stay connected, like holding hands. Sometimes you need a little squeeze, for reassurance. Sometimes you need a strong, steady grip for support. Sometimes you need a massage, stretching out each finger, for release, or for healing. Sometimes you need those hands to gently take over a load, a burden, you weren’t meant to carry at all, just take that load, put it down somewhere, and knead the knotted, gnarled knuckles back into suppleness.

If I could breathe one word into the human heart, that one word would be “gentleness.” People have twisted “God is love” into horrible, punishing circumstances and called it Me, called it My intent, My will. How about, God is Gentleness? Or, God is Tenderness? Maybe that provides a better picture. Maybe folks would trust themselves, trust joining their lives, to One Whose Name is Gentleness.

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Seedlings

Lord, thank You for growth. I just spent a few minutes reading this time of year from 15 years ago, and then 14 years ago. Fifteen years ago, I was still sick with pneumonia, gaining strength very slowly, and full of the same sorts of questions and drivenness I still sometimes am prey to. Fourteen years ago, Pete’s second sister, who had been ill for only a few weeks, died and that set off a whole storm of emotion, within and around us. What I realized, reading, is how my morning journaling times have changed. Now, I know to listen for Your Voice, Your input. Then, I craved it but I didn’t often stop long enough to hear You. But it was that practice, of taking that time in the morning, writing down everything I thought and felt for 30 minutes or so, that planted the seeds that eventually grew into the relationship I have with You now.

Yes, you were full then–full of grief, full of fatigue, full of fear about health in general, full of questions about your future. You needed to become emptier so that I could fill you with Myself.

I loved You then, as I love You now. But I think I had forgotten how much You love me, love us. And how personal Your Love is, how You really do enter into a relationship with us–if we will, with You. I had moved into focusing on social justice, on causes for peace in the human world and the natural world. I had zeal, and I had faith…but believing in something, even Someone, isn’t the same as nurturing a relationship with that person. 

You are a parent yourself. How do you feel when you hear from your son, or one of the grandkids, out of the blue, for no particular reason?

The feeling is joy, God. Big time joy.

You gladden My own heart with your attention, and with your commitment to staying open to My Presence. What would you say is your dominant emotion these days?

I guess I would have to say gratitude. Or maybe lovingkindness, although I can’t say I am always loving, especially when I am over-tired.

And what did you read as your dominant emotion in those journals from so long ago?

Gosh, God, sorrow, I guess. I was trying so hard to keep going, but there wasn’t any joy anywhere, really. I checked items off the must-get-done list, so there were flashes of satisfaction in tasks completed. There was genuine joy in the trip west to receive my college diploma, the degree Daddy’s life insurance paid for. His last gift.

So what do you think was the difference-maker?

I know gratitude as a practice helped, as I have shared over and over with folks. It really did change my life. But the real difference-maker, Lord, was You–this connection, like right now, knowing I can reach out with my mind, my thought, and You are here, right here. That changes everything in real time. Anytime I do get discouraged now, if I can just remember, I am not alone, You are here, God-with-us as a fact, it flips some switch in my consciousness. I mean, I can still be tired, or stiff and achy as I am tonight, or overloaded with more tasks than hours to do them, but I take just one breath thinking about You, about the immensity of the proposition that the God of the Universe is interested in us, in me, in this moment of what we call Time, and I smile, I can’t help it. It’s as if I am privy to the world’s greatest secret, only it is not a secret at all. It is hidden in plain sight, like the song says, Open the eyes of my heart. I just can’t get over all those pages from 2003 and 2004, and how different my journal reads now. Thank You.

I told you the other day, I want you to try to fast-forward in your thinking 20 or 25 years, as if you were as old as Pete is now, and what would be on your gratitude list from those years you have not lived yet. Why do you think I asked that?

I didn’t know–and I couldn’t come up with much. I mean, I couldn’t foresee anything in particular to add to a list. 

You just looked back at a snapshot of your life from 15 years ago. You are marveling most at your own growth in those years, your spiritual growth. Do you think your growing years are complete? What if I told you even more growth is coming, good growth, wonderful growth, and that you will look back at these conversations and marvel at how much closer You and I had grown during your 60’s and 70’s? What if you will look back with the same incredulity you are now experiencing, looking back, because our relationship will grow even stronger and deeper?

Lord, is that even possible? Is that what You are saying?

You are thinking of your life in Me now as a forest, in comparison with the tiny seedling it once was. I tell you, you will look back at these years and see a small grove in comparison to the mighty sequoias this connection, your connection with Me, your connection to this world you so love, will become. Mark My Words. So much growth awaits you. So rejoice in every day, every week, every month, and every year. Here is a little foretaste, a hint–this past summer, you were able to quit picking your fingers. No longer is that a stress response, after nearly 60 years. Now imagine no stress triggers, because you are essentially immune to them. Imagine no fear triggers, because they are no longer a part of your inner emotional or spiritual lexicon. You will grow into this life, just as you have grown into the woman you are now. And for every inch of growth, listen for Me saying, You are My daughter, I love You, and I Am so proud of you.

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Workmanship

Lord, I need, I want, to talk to You about work. I feel guilty when I am not working, and I feel guilty when I am working, like right now. Like sitting here at the computer since dinner, working on images for a potential special order. I was out of the house all day, working and I have been at it all evening, working. And Pete is watching TV by himself. So I want to go join him, in a few minutes–and then, I am going to feel guilty that I am not finishing this task at hand. I swear, sometimes I need to be two people. Or more.

You don’t need to swear. And you don’t need to apologize. And you don’t need to feel guilty–about either choice. The fact is, if you WERE two people, both of you would be feeling guilty! You would think, gosh I could get double the work done if only both of me were working!

Oh, Lord, You know me so well. I reckon it’s true.

Your worth is not based on your work. Your worth, your value, is based in the fact that I Who Am says, Behold, you are. Behold, you live. Behold, you love. Behold, I love you. Behold, you are worthy. The ego looks for reasons and comparisons. But the truth is, you are worthy because I Am Love and I Choose you–all of you. No one of you is more or less worthy than another.

You are My Workmanship, all of you. Do you remember what the word “workmanship” is in the Greek?

Lord, I do! I do remember. It is related to the word poetry.

Yes, you are My Poem, My lyric, My Word expressed in flesh, in personality, in gifts, in foibles. All of you, My Volume of exquisite poetry, My Workmanship. My Masterpiece, My Masterwork.

You who are artists refer to what you do in the collective as “the work.” Folks also speak of their jobs, how they earn their livelihoods as work. Labor of any kind has come to be called work, whether it pays or not. But when you switch gears and begin to think of workmanship, that is a different sort of question. What kind of life are you building? You need to build a balanced life. You need to build a life of rhythm, rhyme, alliteration, metaphor, analogy, with sweeping themes and grand ideals. You need to build the kind of life that, were it read or chanted, would bring vistas of delight and bold hopes and resolve into the hearts of the hearers or readers. Don’t undervalue your complete life. Do enjoy your work–but not at the expense of the whole poem. Don’t try to force a stilted rhyme or rhythm. You know how to craft a lyric. Let the melody and harmony lead the dance and suggest the rhythm of the words–of the work, of your life.

Gosh, God, I never, not once, thought of life like poetry. Thank You. That helps me.

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A Grateful Childhood

Lord, thank You for today. I started out slowly, just couldn’t seem to get any traction. Took my time this morning, simply because I could. Thank You for that too. Worked a bit, not a lot, just a bit. Spent a few minutes reveling in the afternoon light off the Duck boardwalk. Saw behavior of Canada Geese I have never seen before, such flapping and carrying on! So that was neat. Thought we might have a sunset, but the cloud cover overtook any color. But I came home relaxed and refreshed. I am amazed how even a few minutes outside is so restorative. I can still feel the calm, still hear the soft sounds of the geese and the swan. Oh, and the blast-off when the boat motored by, even though it was way off. Beautiful. So thank You.

Why do you thank Me for that?

Because I appreciated it, and because someone–Someone–ought to hear, thank You. Because…because You are an Artist, and I love Your handiwork! No, seriously, God. I mean it. Everywhere around I can find–as I did yesterday, and I am sorry for that–reasons to fear, or reasons to be in turmoil. And everywhere around I can find–as I did today, reasons to rejoice, reasons to be glad, reasons to be thankful. So if I am thankful, then it makes sense to me there must be a “You” to say, thank You, to.

You think you so quickly revert to fear, but the opposite is true. You so quickly revert to gratitude. I want you to think back, back as far as you can. I know there were reasons to fear, in your childhood, especially from older kids who bullied you. But when did you begin to learn to rejoice? When did you begin to learn gratitude?

I wouldn’t have termed it that way, Lord. I remember I loved nature early. The apple trees, the willow tree, the lilac forest of my very young childhood. Hi-Baby the goat, I loved her. She loved me and I loved her back. And Sammy, my first kitty. And before Sammy, the neighbor kitten that always followed me home. There was love all around me, God–not just from my folks, from critters, too. Even as a really young child, I loved being outside. I was much more at home outdoors than inside playing with dolls. Rocks, I loved rocks. Still do. Still love all those same things I loved as a little kid! I learned to say please and thank you out of politeness. Now I think I say it out of love.

Indeed you do. Those who love deeply cannot help overflowing with gratitude, for they see the world through a lens that first, looks for the good, the positive, in every situation, and second, that operates from a perspective of abundance, in which everyone may receive. What are the top ten gratitudes you would list from your childhood?

You want me to name them now?

Why not?

Uh, isn’t this supposed to be about You talking more than about me talking?

Trust Me. Go ahead.

Ok. Well. I think the first would have to be, Lord, I am grateful for my life. I was a miracle baby, I know that. The fact that I am here at all is amazing. Knowing that as a fact has definitely shaped the person I have become.

So my second gratitude is, Lord, I am grateful for my folks, for their love of me, for growing up in a home that was safe, and loving. I’m especially grateful for how close my Mom and I were, and even though this reaches far beyond childhood, I am glad I was able to grow closer to my Dad before he died.

My third gratitude is, I am grateful for all the animals I had growing up. They enriched my life in so many ways, and without siblings, were my first companions beyond my parents. 

My fourth gratitude is, I am grateful for the school I went to, though I wasn’t at all grateful for a long time, during those school days. I am grateful I was blessed with a good memory (and where did that go, by the way?) and that I am still in touch today with so many from my childhood and teen years.

My fifth gratitude is, I am grateful for those trees I mentioned–the apple tree I learned to climb, the apple tree I watched every summer for the largest apple, the apple tree with the swing Daddy built. And for the willow tree, my sanctuary spot when I needed to think. And the lilac bushes that truly were a forest when I was just learning to walk, such a magical place.

My sixth gratitude is, I am grateful to have grown up in a home with music and art, with warm wood furniture and handmade things, with a mom who painted and played the piano. I look at my life today and think how much my parents would have loved this, and the reason I love my life is a direct result of their love of the arts.

My seventh gratitude is, I am grateful that I was encouraged in my childhood interests and hobbies, from my first polaroid camera to an early guitar and drum set, to science encyclopedias for middle school and a geology kit in grade school. My folks scrimped, I know now, to provide all sorts of opportunities for me to grow.

My eighth gratitude is, I am grateful that when I got the courage up to tell my folks I did not want to study French in college (something I had said I wanted to do since early elementary school!) but I wanted to study English instead, and write, they were completely supportive. I felt such relief, I wasn’t letting them down at all.

My ninth gratitude is, I am grateful for the friends I made as a child, and as a teenager, as I said above. Many are still friends to this day.

And last but by no means least, God, I am so grateful for You. You began to draw me to yourself in grade school, and when I made a commitment to live my life in union with You, at 16 years old, You changed everything for me. So much teenage angst and beginning depression began to lift then. Not that it all went away overnight, but I owe the kind of life I get to live today to all those seeds planted in my early years. Thank You.

Now, why don’t you invite your readers to do the same exercise you just completed? As you said, everyone has memories of some sort of turmoil, and everyone can point to some turmoil around them right now. But everyone also has reasons to say thank you, to express gratitude, to enumerate blessings past and present.

Ok, Lord. Good idea. You heard God–take a few minutes. If you have some scrap paper, or a computer screen, jot down a list. 10 things. From your early years, things you may not have thought about for decades, if ever. 10 thank-you’s. 10 blessings. Go!

 

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Keeping Peace

Lord, I want to talk to You tonight about amends. And about peacekeeping. Or peace-making. Actually, what I want to talk to you about is that verse in the Psalms, I forget where it is exactly, I am for peace, but when I speak, they are for war. That is what I want to talk about, how to keep peace, how to maintain it.

The first place you have to maintain peace is within yourself. You be at peace. Be at peace with Me. If you are at peace with Me, part of what that means is, let My Peace prevail within you. Let My Peace permeate your being.

Lord, I got this sudden visual, of a hurricane, and that made me remember a line in my friend Judy’s poem, now for me comes the calm i of the storm…

Yes, you can live at peace even in the midst of a storm. You can be an oasis of calm.

But what if the people you care most about in the world are in that storm? What if they are trapped in that storm, or, worse yet, even causing the storm? Then what?

This is what turn the cheek means–sometimes you have to take a breath and turn aside. You have to decide that your peace is more important than their war. The hard truth is, you cannot argue them into peace, not within themselves, not between themselves. You cannot argue anyone else into peace with you. You can only extend your peace, extend your love, and hope and pray they listen.

What if they don’t? 

Love never gives up. That doesn’t mean you continue to fuel someone else’s fire, but it does mean you can continue to hold your peace, in hope they will find their own. Think about that phrase a minute: hold your peace. You use it to mean, keep quiet. Keep silent, don’t speak up, don’t speak out. But think about it literally–hold your peace. Keep  your peace close to your heart. Hold on to your peace, don’t give it away, don’t give it up.

It hurts, to want peace so badly and to feel in my spiritual bones that a storm is coming. I know a little bit what to do in the natural. I know how to remove objects that could become missiles, to prepare for the power to go out, to stockpile water, maybe even shutter windows against flying debris, and to make sure my vehicle is safe on high ground. But spiritually? I know about building your house, your life, on solid ground, on You. On Your Love. That’s my rock. But what else can I do?

Here is what you can’t do. You cannot accurately forecast the wind speed or direction, or anticipate every flying object that might be hurled in your direction. But you can rely on My Peace as a guidance system, to tell you in the moment how to react, what to do or not do, and how to keep yourself safe, and on an even keel, emotionally and physically and spiritually.

Lord, I just feel like a hurricane is coming. A tsunami, a great raging wall of anger and upset. I see it in our country and I see it in the family. And it frightens me.

And what have I promised you? I have promised you that you will not drown. You will neither drown in a sea of rage, nor die of thirst in drought. I have promised you will be safe, safe in Me, safe in My Love, safe in My Armor, safe in My Peace. You won’t have to fight to keep yourself safe. You won’t have to abandon who you are. It may be, once the initial storm passes, that you will look around and find your world is smaller, but it will be yours, and it will be beautiful. Why beautiful? Because it will reflect who you are at your core: loving, peaceful, grateful, joyful. So be at Peace now, little one. Do not sleep fearing a nightmare in your future. What have I said, over and over? Perfect Love casts out all fear. And where is perfect Love? Right here. Surrounding you. That is your spiritual safety–My Perfect Love.

Here is something else I can promise you. As I Am fully and completely Myself, you will remain fully and completely yourself. You will not snap, you will not break, you will not shatter. In fact, the power you possess, which is gentle strength, the strength to love in the midst of the storm, is a gift from Me, and no one can take that away from you.

Now I want you to relax, and let go. Let go of your angst and your anguish over anyone else’s choices. That is hard for you. But as I told you before, you can be compassionate without taking on responsibility for anyone else’s choices. You learned this once. You can learn this again.

So in answer to your question, how can you remain at peace if the world around you goes to war? Be a conscientious objector. You don’t have to be objectionable, or obnoxious. Just purpose in your heart to utter a Divine No. And how do you do that? You say Yes to Me. Just as darkness cannot exist where there is even the tiniest light, so war cannot exist in a life or heart, as yours, where there is a commitment to peace. Follow Me, your Prince of Peace, and within you, all shall be well.

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The Parent-Child Connection

Well, today was…interesting. It rained on my parade–literally drove me off the beach and back indoors.

But you didn’t let the rain ruin your afternoon. You went out looking for hearts, and you found them.

Yes, and now I’m sitting trying to Connect, on the couch watching the Super Bowl with a husband whose team is losing. I reckon it’s a great time for me to, what? Not test what You say, but prove it true in my experience. Sort of, if I can manage to hear You here, in the middle of distractions, sounds emotions–then, then, it’s true that anyone can hear You anywhere. Right?

One of the unforeseen and unfortunate consequence of community worship has been to discourage the discovery of the Presence of God in all the other hours of the week, especially in the middle of messy real life days. Think of how you have heard prayer time described: Quiet Time. But what about all the rest of the time, when life is anything but quiet?

I want you to think back to your experiences deep in the pelican and tern rookeries. In all the chaos of birds flying and waddling, of biologists banding and then releasing, somehow all the baby birds managed to unite with their right parents. The connection was stronger than the chaos. Now, do you think the connection was stronger on the baby bird’s’ side or the parent’s side?

I would guess the parent’s side. The babies have need, and the parents are hard-wired to meet that need.

So it is with Me. The Connection between us is always maintained on My part, and as you are learning right this minute, you can actually hear, clearly, My Voice even in the middle of other voices. Even in the middle of other voices shouting. You have learned to recognize My Voice. I don’t have to shout, to make Myself heard. You know My Voice by now. So the Super Bowl lesson for you is, no matter how the game goes, no matter how loud life gets all around you, you can still hear and respond to My Voice within.

You can turn, answer your text, and talk to Me.

You can look up, respond to anyone in the room, and hear from Me.

This is what I mean by no separation. You don’t have to wait for Sunday, you don’t have to wait for your early morning quiet time, you don’t have to wait, period.

So I have a question. Why did it take so long, then? What about all those years I could barely hear You at all? Were You not talking just as much then?

For years, you were schooled to believe I speak in particular ways, at defined times, and often only through select people. You had to line up all the conditions, just so. Can you feel Me laughing? Can you see Me dismantling all those barriers to My Presence? Now that the River is flowing freely, you will never experience drought again. Even the rain will remind you of all the ways My Spirit waters your soul.

So for folks reading this now, who may be where I was, what can they do differently to find this kind of Connection, where You speak in the middle of busy days at work, or loud kids, or the TV blaring? What steps can they take?

The best way to begin is to expect I will speak into their heart. And the best place to begin is to find some quiet.

I thought You just said we don’t need quiet.

Quiet is a good place to start, so that you can move beyond it. Everyone uses the bathroom. Everyone takes a shower or a bath. These are great times to turn off any background noise and reach out to Me. Once people experience My Voice within, even one time, they will know what to listen for, like a mother who can recognize her child’s voice in a crowded classroom at the end of a day. Then, as happened with you, the experience of connecting with Me, however briefly, will create a Holy Hunger for more contact, more awareness of My Nearness. And very soon, they will be sharing with others of how their experience of Me has deepened and changed.

As for you, keep being open and honest. And now that you have been able to hear Me here, expect the particular timbre of My Voice to be even more evident all throughout your day.

Happy Birthday! See, you’re smiling. Now what would you say about your day?

Uh, how about Wow?

Wow is good. I like Wow. I specialize in Wow, in fact. And even before you can think it or take the time to write it out–since I know your thought beforehand–you are so welcome.

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I Heart…

In less than an hour, it’s my birthday. Although, if I am being precise, I really turn 61 somewhere around 8 a.m., not at midnight. Last year was the landmark/decade birthday, but I can’t help wondering about the year ahead. In Narnia Aslan told Lucy, no one can know about what will happen, but—

That is not what I said.

What?

As Aslan, in Narnia. That is not what I said. What Aslan actually said was, no one is told what would have happened if…And then what did Aslan say? Anyone can find out what will happen…

Oh, yes. Right, by taking action, by moving forward. Part of me wishes I could look ahead, have some foreknowledge, and part of me is afraid to ask for even a glimpse.

Here is all you really need to know. You will love the love of your life, for all of your life. And he will love you. When the road gets bumpier, you will have the ability and the circumstances to slow down, so the bumps don’t cause you to crash, emotionally, spiritually or financially. Instead of racing over or through the bumpy parts, you will walk hand in hand, each of you leaning on the other, and each of you both giving and receiving strength and comfort. At some point, I will call everyone on the planet Home. You will live through many Homegoings before you hear Me calling your name, and when I do, the joy that will rise up inside you will be so great, so powerful, your human body will not be able to contain it. In that moment, which you have labeled “death” you will become fully and eternally Alive and forever united to My Love and Life. It is hard for you to fully appreciate the joy, completely understand the risen life that awaits all of you on the other side of the veil you call Time.

When the day inevitably comes for Pete to come Home, although you cannot envision this now, you both will know, and you both will rejoice; he will rejoice because Joy itself will come for him, and you will rejoice, because you will realize that not even death can separate those who love one another.

You have asked in your heart a question that doubters asked Me, although your puzzlement comes not out of doubt but out of a sadness born from an anticipated loneliness. On earth, Pete has loved both Pat and you. So in heaven, whom will he love? And the answer is Love is All. Love is All encompassing, Love is All surrounding, Love is All infilling. In heaven, Love. There will be no more need for rank-ordering. When the glass is always full, there is no need for measurement. You will fully love, then, and you will be fully loved. Here, you cannot live without air, without breath. Then, you cannot live without Love. So much love, so much joy, so much peace, awaits you. And even those words are inadequate, for much invites a comparison to less-than-much, to little. That is why I so often Name Myself simply Am. Being. Love. Peace. These are synonymous in eternity.

So what does your 61st year hold? Wonder. Blessing. Strength. Resilience. Joy. Opportunity. Tenderness. What will be your part, your response? Gratitude. Peace. Serenity. Faith. Hope. Compassion. And yes, Joy.

Rest easy, little one. You have chapters yet to live, chapters yet to write. And you and Pete have pages yet to live together. Determine to write on every single page, happily ever after—and live that assurance, starting now. Keep sowing seeds of love, keep reaping a crop of love. Your entire existence together has been a loving journey. That will never change between you—never fear that.

Thank You, Lord. That is the best present I could ask for, tender, loving days together, however many there are.

I have told you before, don’t grieve in advance; don’t mortgage today to try to prepare for tomorrow. Be Here Now. Love Now. That is all any of you can really do, anyway. So purpose in your heart to do that, every day, and this really will be the kind of year you are always asking for others, your best year yet, overflowing with blessings.