Month: April 2018

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Respite

This is really a note to my many faithful, encouraging, supportive and questing alongside with me readers. Pete and I are taking a much-needed little getaway, just a few days. As with my trip with staff back in February, although my inner and journaled dialog with God won’t be taking a break, I will be taking a break from blogging so that we can fully enjoy all the precious minutes of this time together.

Those of you who have followed Now Through A Glass from its beginning last summer (and those who have known me far longer than that) know that I struggle with balance, with rest, and with giving myself permission to just be, just relax. Pete has those same struggles, so taking time off together often gets put where it least belongs, behind all the other must-do tasks and chores. I will check back in when we return, sometime later next week.

Meanwhile, maybe this can be a time when you devote the minutes you would spend reading the daily entries to jotting down some of your own thoughts, questions, joys, gratitudes, or sorrows, and then listening for an answering thought. That is the way my morning dialogs began. Perhaps today, a phrase that rang through my childhood, will be the day yours begins or deepens too.

Peace be with you. 

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Rainbow Questions

So, Lord, I took Your advice. And the results were wonderful! Two nights ago I listened to soothing instrumental music and watched this random youtube video of someone driving through Zion Canyon, just driving, with a video recorder mounted on their dashboard. The music seemed to match the mood of the landscape too; the songs changed, the scenery changed subtly and it was perfect. I went to bed both more buoyed in spirit and relaxed in body than I have for a long time. Then last night I just went to bed earlier, period. And that felt good, though I didn’t spend my usual time here, writing in dialog. So I didn’t post last night, because I was sleeping instead. But that seemed a wise choice at the time.

Now tonight I have something else weighing heavy on my heart and mind. And I am only a distant observer and imaginer, not close to this situation at all, other than by the fact that I am a human on this planet, and to some extent we are all in this thing, this thing called real life, together. And sometimes, God, may I just say, sometimes real life is pretty darned awful.

So I only know what I have read, but a four year-old boy was swept to sea yesterday, some rogue wave I guess, while his folks were right there and helpless to get him or save him. What I know from admittedly limited experience is that this family will never be the same. This isn’t something you get over, get past, or frankly get through. This is something you carry with you like a scourge, like a plague on your heart, for the rest of your life. And I am almost glad I don’t know the family, God, because I have no idea what anyone could say to them. Any words I can think of are empty. Worse than empty, they fill the empty space with nothingness. You are the Word. You said so Yourself. What in the world would You say, in the face of a tragedy like this? This isn’t even the tragedy of people making choices to hurt others; this is seemingly so random and so horrible. We humans with our little minds and our broken hearts, we want to cry out, why? and where are You? Where were You? And (if I may be so bold) how could You let this happen? I don’t believe You cause tragedies, God, but the randomness of something like this shakes all of us to our core, if we have a core, and especially if our core is centered in You. So what would the Word, the Good Word, say about all that?

Remember Lazarus. I wept there. I didn’t cause, I didn’t prevent, I wept. And then I raised him up, restored him to his family.

Yes, God, but this little boy didn’t get raised up, didn’t get restored. This family has to go on grieving and grieving and grieving. Their weeping doesn’t end. Their mourning doesn’t turn to joy. 

You cannot see the glory this boy is raised into, now. But you will. When it comes your time, you will.

God, You have said I could ask You anything, tell You anything. Is that still true?

Of course.

It’s not fair, God. That is how this seems. Saying, oh, he is risen with You — that doesn’t comfort the bereaved on this side, Lord. It just doesn’t. Even Mary and Martha, when You said you would raise Lazarus, even they thought You meant at the end of Time, at the last day, and that did not comfort them, not really, in their right-here, right-now sorrow. You comforted them when You gave him back, whole and living, in the flesh. Just like You comforted Your disciples when You rose–not only in some hereafter, but here. Here, then after. It is the here that troubles me, God. What about here?

You have lived through loss. And you are here.

Yes, God, but that was different. That wasn’t this.

How so?

Well, first of all, the losses I am thinking of now were losses that could have been prevented, in the sense that they resulted directly from lifestyle choices, made again and again over many years, that caused harm to the body. That was even true of my Mom, Lord. I am not saying the choice to quit smoking, or quit heavy drinking, or even quit drugs, is easy. But it is a choice folks can make. This was, I have to say it again, God, so random. An accident. And I am still waiting for a Word from the Word, Lord. Is Wept the word?

Look it up.

Huh?

In the Greek. Look it up.

Ok. So Lazarus’ sisters were weeping loudly, lamenting, audible loud cries. That is what the Greek word means. It is a different word for Jesus’ weeping. It means to shed tears, but quietly. So?

Why do you think Jesus wasn’t wailing loudly?

I don’t know. Because He didn’t feel the loss as deeply?

You know better than that. Think back to your times of silent weeping, where you almost have no tears left. Why did Jesus weep, if He knew what He was going to do?

Because He felt their sorrow? His humanity identified with their humanity?

Yes, exactly. He didn’t weep for show, or for tradition; He wept in empathy.

Ok. So…I’m sorry, I feel especially dense. You have empathy. Couldn’t You have stopped this from happening in the first place? Doesn’t Lord mean, Lord of circumstances? Doesn’t that mean You are in charge?

Ah, no wonder you are torn between grief and anger, between wanting to draw closer to Me and wanting to hide. If I could have prevented such a thing and didn’t, doesn’t that make Me some kind of monster?

I don’t know what to say. It is what we fear–not that You are a monster, but that our not understanding can make You out to be Someone You are not. I just, we just, don’t understand.

Come here, little one. Shhh. Listen. What does it mean, for someone to be an earthly king? Is the king in charge of every household, of everything that happens in his kingdom? Or is the king the one who sets the overall values, the overall agenda if you will, by making laws or rules for behavior, especially behavior between his subjects?

That’s different. Kings are humans just like their subjects, only with more authority. They can’t be everywhere at once, they don’t have the power to make things happen, like controlling the weather. But You can. You are everywhere at once, and You do control the weather. Don’t You?

I Am not the Grand Puppeteer. Some folks want Me to be. Others fear Me to be. Still others are angry, assuming that I am, and blaming Me for things that I did not cause, things I Myself weep over.

So what does Your Lordship mean, then, if You are not in control?

Humans, most humans, are very interested in control. Most humans want to control others and bend others to their will, to their way of seeing things, to doing things the way they want them done. And other humans have their own sets of opinions or values. Conflict arises often, from petty disagreements to wars over territory, over resources, over control. This is not the kind of Lord I Am, One Who demands or enforces Control.

Rather, I Am Lord of Love. I Am Lord of Peace. My Values are Higher.

So what, may I ask, is loving or peaceful, about a little boy’s tragic and untimely death?

Nothing. Nothing is loving or peaceful in these moments focused on loss, for these parents. In their loss and bereavement, there is no peace. In ME there is peace. This is a paradox, hard to understand. But you have lived this, if you think and remember. You have lived times of great grief, of great sadness, where your loss of control nearly broke you in pieces, and yet you found the strength to continue to live because of your relationship with Me, because of My Peace given to you despite the circumstances. You found you could come and weep with Me. You found I Am Big Enough to carry both you and your sorrow, both you and your confusion, both you and your anger. I did not cause this tragedy. And I do not have the control over your world that you envision.

Then, Lord–I can still call You Lord, right?

Yes, as long as you remember what it is you are saying. You are really calling Me Your Heavenly Father, Your Heavenly Brother, Your Heavenly Companion.

Okay, then, why pray? Why ask You for anything? Or to do anything? I mean, I know why…because sometimes You do. I just feel like we ask and You answer, a lot of the time. You answer me, I know You do. So why wouldn’t You answer this mother, this father, and cause the tide to turn and bring their son back to them, tumbled and scared but otherwise not harmed? Why wouldn’t You say Yes to that kind of prayer? Why do children have to die?

Ah, there is the question. The real question. Why death? Why death at all? Why untimely death? Why tragic death? Why sudden death? My only answer won’t satisfy you tonight, but it you can carry this in your heart, you will feel a wee bit better in the morning. Death was never My idea. Not My plan, not My agenda, not My purpose. Death was not in My reckoning. I am Lord, yes, of Life. Of Everlasting Life. Death was never meant as the Gateway to that life. Originally, My Will, My Heart was for Life to expand into more life; human life to expand into spirit life; life in a body to expand into eternal life. Once death entered the equation, much was out of My Control. Humans don’t heed my warnings. Humans don’t even heed the warnings of other humans! Much harm comes through lack of discernment. So what is a God to do? Eternity, that’s what. Sweeping the dying up in My Arms, that’s what. Silencing tears and fears before they have a chance to grow even greater, that’s what. In every human family, for all I have no control over, as God, there is much I can still do, if humans invite Me in.

Thank You, God. I actually feel a little better about this already. Not a lot, You understand. Just a little. Just knowing (I am sorry to phrase it this way, but I admit I am really tired), just knowing You didn’t cause this, or that this wasn’t somehow Your idea, helps. And Lord, I have to ask You one more thing. I saw a rainbow, a brilliant rainbow, probably two hours later as I was driving towards Kitty Hawk. About 6 pm. I always think of rainbows as Your Promise, Your Promise of Your Presence. And I always think of the day–I thought of it yesterday–that our friends’ daughter who had been ill so long, the day she died, and how I asked You for a rainbow, for the parents, on that day, and the rains came and by the end of the afternoon, the rainbow came too. I actually thought about that yesterday, though I had no idea at the time what had transpired just a couple hours earlier. So thank You for the rainbow, God. 

I do what I can, little one. As do you. Right now, try to rest. And don’t ever stop asking Me questions or telling Me how you feel.

Ok, Lord, I will try. Try to keep open, I mean. 

Then you will do well.

 

 

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Rest and Refreshing

God, I’m tired. I say that a lot, I know. I can’t seem to get past that. I think I need to find better ways to relax. More relaxing ways. Or better ways to get more done when I am in the doing, so I don’t finish days with more tasks than I had when I started. So I am sitting here typing, and pausing, and putting my head in my hands, and taking a deep breath, and then typing another sentence. I don’t want to let You down. I don’t want to let them down either, all the them in my life, Lord. And I am not a mom of a newborn, or caring for ailing parents, though I have lived both of those. So what in the world is my problem?

If you went to the doctor, and she diagnosed a condition, and gave you medication, and you began to take it and to feel better, and then you abandoned the medication, quit the regimen of diet or exercise or routine she prescribed, why would you be surprised if you relapsed into your prior condition?

Are You saying that is what I have done? What I am doing?

Look at you. Look at your routine. You know what works best in your life. What have you abandoned, that you know works?

Well, Morning Pages. I wouldn’t say abandoned, but I do seem to have drifted into a new habit of trying to cram one more task into the morning, and then dash out the door late, or nearly so. And Morning Pages work. They center me, they connect me with You in a deliberate set-aside time. I am always talking to You throughout the day, but there is something about my journaling time in the morning that sets my inner compass, I like to say. And for the past couple of weeks, for decent reasons maybe, I haven’t gotten to the page every day. I have skipped a number of days actually. So there’s that.

What else?

I started writing out my gratitudes again at bedtime. And again, every time I pick up that notebook I am chagrined and kind of amazed to see a couple days have passed when I didn’t write them down. I don’t even know how that happens; it is–was–part of my bedtime routine.

But you are staying up later and later, and then trying to rush to bed. Not very relaxing a practice.

No. And for a while, all we watched when we did watch TV was happy-ending shows. Especially over the holidays and into the New Year. But now, I would say more than half the TV shows are, not violent, the ones I watch anyway, but troubling. The stories are more true to life maybe, but I think I am carrying the burden of those stories into my sleep time.

You think?

I know. I seem sensitive that way. So if we watch shows about family conflict, or shows where folks are always dying, like the medical shows, gosh, God, I am more tired than when I sat down!

Here is what you must ask yourself: does this refresh my spirit? When you truly rest, you are refreshed. Your body’s fatigue is actually mirroring a soul fatigue, a spirit fatigue.

Lord, I can see that! That makes sense to me. So I keep thinking I need to rest my body more…

When what you really need is to make sure you are resting and refreshing your spirit and your soul. Why don’t you spend the next few minutes, before bedtime, trying to do that? What would rest your spirit, your soul, right now?

Honestly, I think music would. I think beautiful imagery would.

Why don’t you find some music on the computer, play that in the background, and look at some scenic photos or videos? That will do you more good than you can imagine. Then take those few minutes right before sleep to jot down some gratitudes. If you wake more rested, you will be able to rise at your normal time and have the time you need to journal as well as to get ready for your workday. Focus these next days on resting your spirit, resting and refreshing your soul and watch what happens in your body and in your thinking, your mind.

Ok, Lord. I will.

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Please and Thank You

Lord, I want my photographs to do so much. I want them to give voice to the land. The land itself. And its birds and critters. I want people to connect to the land, when they see the images.

And I want them to give a visual voice to Your own heart. I want that, too. I want them to be “inspirational” — that is, inspired. Literally, God-breathed. Your breath in them. I want people’s spirits and emotions touched. I want that connection, too.

I want to experience that, as a both/and. I want that when I go outdoors, when I get to photograph–and again, when the images and their stories get shared; and I also want them to stand and shine all on their own, without me present. All of that. I want all of that.

I have lived that already but I want that to continue and if I may be so bold, I want that to increase. It sounds almost selfish or greedy until I remember and realize what it is I am actually asking. It’s like a person asking for food or water. Just because we ate yesterday or last week or last year, we need to eat again. We need to be hydrated, again. And if our bodies need that, over and over, how much more do our spirits and souls need that? And I am asking for extra, extra portions to share. I am asking for more than “enough.” I am asking for an overflow that feeds and nourishes others. 

Years and years ago, You hearkened back to Nehemiah, and You told me to ask. You told me to write it all out, like a letter, lay it before You, ask You to read it. So I am asking. Again. And thanking You for blessings bestowed already. Again. And standing with my hands out and up, again, to be filled to that overflowing point where my work touches others. I know in my heart that when others encounter You, directly or indirectly, overtly or subtly, that is the point of intersection where everything good happens–healing, comfort, strength, joy, life, love, peace. So I’m asking.

And what have I said? What have I promised? While you are yet asking, I hear. While you are yet daring to form your heart into words, I Am already sending your Yes.

What you are asking, what you are saying “please” for is the very purpose you are born to live. Everyone is born into the world bearing gifts. Everyone. No exceptions. Every child born is My Child. Every human living bears My likeness deep within. Everyone. What you are asking is that I would bless your bringing forth that which I planted in you from the beginning. How could I do otherwise than to bless and increase it?

Here is another facet to your gift, to the calling that is yours. Calling is a deliberate word for not only are you called in the sense you first learned the term, in church; that is, called to be in service to Me–your intuition that all are called is correct. There is not one child, not one adult, I have not called to Myself, and not called to become the best version of themselves. No, not one. You are also called to Call. I have told you this before: call the wild to you. Call the birds, call the creatures, call the light, call the land, call the sky. Call out and watch creation respond, to your heart and your great, glad love. But there is a third meaning. You are also called to Call to others through your work. Think of your work as a kind of echo. As it bounces off the hearts and souls and spirits of those who view it, something deep inside of them will answer. Something deep within will respond. It may be that they are already fully awake and will quickly hear the timbre of their own heart’s call, of My call to them, in the particular ways they are each meant to live out their gifts in the world. It may be they are lightly dozing and this inner echo will wake them to new possibilities and encouragement. And it may be that they are slumbering deeply, unaware of their own rich gifts. For these, their encounter with you or your work may be the very wake-up call they need to rise and take up their destiny, newly empowered and strengthened. It may be some receive confirmation of stirrings long felt but not fully understood. It may others receive comfort or healing and that opens the door to once again living a fuller, richer, deeper life.

Your calling is to hear, yes. To see, yes. To share, yes. And in all of that, your calling is to Call.

God, I don’t know what to say. You continue to speak so deeply into my heart and take my speech and my breath away. I am thinking like a coach might think, I guess. Or a conductor. 

You don’t have to worry about finding the proper role or position or instrument for these others. That is My Work within them. You just point the way, and I will take over–sometimes directly, sometimes through still others–from there.

Yes, Lord. And Lord? Thank You. I think I could spend the rest of my life just saying Please and Thank You, and it would sum up everything. Oh, and I love You. Always, ever, that. 

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Peace and Protection

Lord, You have said before I can’t weave protection around those I love. But You can. So I am asking, again, in ways I didn’t necessarily feel before, for Your physical protection for them, for all of them. When I come to the end of me, I need to find You.

You always look for good. You always seek Me out. In another world, a fantasy-world, you would be the one spotting the Runes in the rocks, in the forest, off the trail. You would be the one hearing BirdSpeech, hearing RiverTalk. Those around you would see only pebbles, just leaves on the ground, and hear only chattering, only gurgles.

Your insistence on walking this way might annoy them. Likely they would call you crazy, or strange, or off. You might even be accused of being on the Wrong Side.

You have blazed a trail–your life–to My heart.

You have read the rocks and leaves, as your lyric says, of Me.

Because you have chosen this way of Peace, of Gentleness, you feel deeply the actions and choices of those around you who are not on this path.

Lord, it’s like that movie Avatar, when they bulldozed the Forest. That destruction. Where is the peace in that?

The Peace is in your own heart, beating in rhythm to My heart. Little One, others are choosing violence every day, violent games, violent movies, comedy based on put-downs and insults, sarcastic judging of others. Violent or angry people draw into their world what they focus on most.

Since you focus most on Peace, that is what you draw, from My Storehouse of Blessing, into your world. When Jesus warned about pearls before swine He was merely expressing, with a great sadness, a reality about swine life. As long as they remain in that mindset, they don’t see the blessings provided every day, and they will turn on those who see like you see.

Lord, when I hear about violence, on the news, say, I think about the victims, pray for them or their families, but dare I whisper this, I also ask that there is some kind of investigation that helps, really helps the attackers, because this kind of violence has to have been spawned somehow.

You are asking for Mercy with Justice. This is Who I Am. You are less interested in punishment for punishment’s sake and more interested that everyone involved be healed and made whole. Others may seek only retribution, out of a mindset that answers violence with a violent response. Remember My cry from the Cross when you need to remember My Heart: Father, forgive them…

Lord, I just realized something! I hope I can express it in words. If there is Peace, that in itself IS protection. I mean, in true peace, total peace, there is nothing to protect from, to shield against. It is like flipping a switch. Peace is its own world–the New World You speak of. Wow. Peace IS protection. Never thought about that. So when I pray for protection, I am really praying for peace. I love that. I love that. 

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Rise Up for Peace

Hoo boy, Lord, what a wild few days. A real roller-coaster ride emotionally. One friend left the area after living here more than 20 years. I seem to have the ability to hold another person’s needs inside, see their perspective, while at the same time trying to hold onto mine as equally valid. So I can both rejoice for her new beginning, acknowledge her mixed feelings about leaving, and experience my own sadness, all at once. How is that even possible?!? Here is another one: conflict among people I care about. I seem to be able to hold a point of view that looks for a door, a keyhole, a way out, a reconciliation. Even though in my own life I have experienced times where reconciliation was not possible; too much would have to be compromised. I think I have sometimes been a peace-at-any-price person, and that attitude doesn’t stand up. It doesn’t stand up for truth, or fairness. So in the end, it doesn’t stand up for peace either. If no fights break out on the playground only because everyone is terrified of the school bully and no one will say anything, that is not peace. So Peace has to mean more than “absence of conflict.” Right? What would You say? How do people, how can I, be a peacemaker, when two sides are so opposed? Or if two sides hold values that contradict each other, so that if one prevails, the other loses by default? You always, always talk about a third way. I need one. 

You are thinking, I can walk North or I can walk South or I can sit and do nothing.

Exactly!! And none of those seems like the right choice. I mean, at the moment. None of those is exactly right. None of those gets to the real heart of the issue. None of those brings lasting peace.

So you want a Third Way?

Yes I do. I thought of three myself, just like You said. North, South, Sit. Meaning, do nothing. That is not acceptable. So since that is not acceptable, I am trying to figure out how to stay balanced within myself while I walk North, say. Or South, say. I know I am talking in circles, I can’t help it.

There is one direction you have not considered.

What is that?

Up. Rise Up. Grow some Wings.

Oh, Lord, speaking of wings…the little butterfly, the one that overwintered? It finally emerged, way too tiny a body, and stunted little wings that will never fly, could barely flutter. All that cocooning, for nothing.

Not for nothing. It emerged out of time. Timing is very important.

But…but…I thought it was supposed to over-winter, emerge in spring! Rest, be dormant, renew, and come out fresh, energized, full of new life!

Little One, how much rest, true REST, did you have this winter? How much rest do you allow yourself now? And you see the result.

Are You saying I am stunting my own growth? My own growth spiritually and creatively?

That is exactly what I Am saying. Do you believe you can enter a conflict and maintain your own peace? That is another way of asking, maintain My Own Peace within you? What did I say? Peace I give you, My Peace I leave with you. Not as the world gives do I give. And how does the world give? It gives and takes. It gives and takes back. It gives, holding back. It turns aside, turns its back, refuses to give an inch. And how do I give? Profusely, continuously and constantly. Always in line with Who I Am. There is no conflict within Me. Hear that again. No conflict within Me. If you can find your center in Me, that is how and where you rise. That is where your wings are. Stay centered and there will be no conflict within you either.

No conflict means you are assured, and true to your purpose. And what is your purpose, your particular purpose? To connect. To open your heart wide. To open your life wide. Not to become a victim by your openness. Your gentleness really is your strength, as you said earlier today. Remember My Word: In Quiet and Confidence shall be your strength. That is certainly true for you.

Where did you put the little butterfly?

I tried to put it on some flowers but it just kept falling off. So I carried it up to the statue I have in the yard, which to me always looks like a cross between Jesus and St Francis. I laid it there with my blessing. I could not bring myself to squish it. I just couldn’t.

It emerged too early. Over-wintering was not the issue. Trying to force emergence prematurely was the issue. It is still too cold. The wings needed more time.

What about me? 

Trust My Timing for you, too. Those creative expressions you sense beginning to stir, let them stretch slowly. Just like your muscles, don’t stretch too hard too fast. Let them ease their way into their full length and strength.

Now, about the particular conflict that concerns you.

Yes, God. What in the world do I do about that?

Stay your course. You already know how you want to proceed. Your heart has already shown the way. Follow your heart. You can trust your heart; it beats in rhythm with Mine, especially where peace is concerned. You are going to live out the third way in a deeper way than you have before. You hate “fight” so typically you choose “flight” — meaning, you flee. You abdicate. You capitulate. But this time you shall choose to fly. Flight shall take on a new meaning. You shall rise up strong in the knowledge that you speak My heart from your heart.

Lord, what if others don’t understand? What if they don’t agree? What if they argue? What then?

Don’t give in. Don’t fear their fear, don’t be angry with their anger. Just keep pointing the way to the only solution that will work, and that solution IS Peace. You are not seeking to avoid conflict as you are to inhabit an entirely new, different, and sacred space within those relationships, and that space is Peace. You can pinpoint it on a map, and as soon as you do, you will notice how it grows, receiving territory as others want what you have, want to live as you live. Stay In Peace. Wear Peace as your emblem. But remember–True Peace. Not Peace at any price. Peace that stands up for the weaker, that defends the belittled or ignored, that befriends the outcast in a way that transforms everyone in the situation. You can do this. You have done this before. You can–and will–do this again.

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Promises, Promises

Promises, promises. Lord, that is what we say when we mean the opposite. The sarcastic voice reveals promises not kept. So about four days ago–I had to go back and reread the whole thing–You said You were signing a Permission Slip for me to begin to form a relationship with another wild fox family. So I have to start by saying both Thank You and I’m sorry. Sorry because deep inside I doubted. I doubted I was really hearing You. I doubted, not that You could, but that You would, and for me. I guess this is a human struggle. It is my struggle sometimes, and more than sometimes, lately. Anyway, that was on April 16, thatYou said that. The very next day someone sent me a message about a fox den. And I finally got the chance to go check it out. I was almost holding my breath, driving. And there they were. Baby foxes, doing what baby foxes do. I felt something deep inside just shift, like a sliding door moving aside, sliding open, setting me free, letting the air in, letting me out. I checked again at dusk. Still there! So again. I am sorry and Thank You. What a gift. I am actually–despite all these words–almost speechless. You said Permission. And here they are. Within days. 

What were field trips for?

Enrichment I would say. At least in my school years. We went to art galleries, we went to historic sites, we went to museums. The idea was to augment the classroom book learning with experiencing at some level what it was we were studying.

What else? What else did you just remember?

I had this flashback to middle school and the Science Club. The field trips to the lake bed, to the fossil deposit, to astronomy night, where for the first time I looked through a powerful telescope at the stars. That was amazing.

And where are you going?

In half an hour I meet up with other local photographers and we are going out, in the middle of the night, to photograph the Milky Way! Star shine! 

You see? Permission! A permission slip from your packet. You have permission to go outside, in the middle of the night, and photograph the starry sky.

Thank You, Lord. And God, I am sorry if I doubted You.

You didn’t doubt Me–you doubted yourself, your hearing. Because your longing was so great, you found it easy to imagine perhaps this was all your imagination. One of the reasons we started with foxes is precisely because your longing is so great. I long to meet you at your point of longing. And I long to show you just how connected we are, so you trust that connection more and more. This is one more example, one more experience, one more “faith comes by hearing” you can live out in experience.

Thank You again, God. So much joy. And tonight, when I went, I had a timeframe. I needed them to come out by a certain time. I couldn’t stay all evening. And one minute, literally, one minute before time was up, out they came! Thank You.

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Peace Shield

Lord, I’ve had seasons, years I mean, where music was front and center. And it flowed, it poured forth, in lyric and melody, songs, lots and lots of songs. And I have had much briefer seasons, often when I was out of work sick, when poetry came. Poem after poem, and the joy in that, in the midst of not feeling well, this explosion of poetic creativity, only to go silent again once I got well and the pace of daily life resumed. I’ve had seasons of writing prose, creative nonfiction, essays, stories for children, all kinds of prose, and again, some door shuts and all is quiet. Now I have enjoyed twelve years, it will be twelve this summer, of a visual photographic life, and I believe it has lasted so long precisely because it is part of my livelihood now, so I have reasons to keep going, and permission. Permission from myself, from those closest to me, from Pete. Permission to spend the time to hone the craft part, and to spend the time for the “right place, right time” part. I haven’t had the chance to allot that sort of time to writing for a long time. Ditto music. Something had to give, for photography to take its place. So I guess I want to know if it is possible for me to have both, to do both, to write and photograph, to write music (more than I do now, driving to work, in snatches) and photography. I don’t want to lose photography, lose my visual sensitivity. How can I have both? Won’t I have to give up one or the other?

That question is like asking Me if you will lost My Voice, the tangible sense of My Presence, because you love a person on earth, or even an animal. There is room in you for both. You’ve thought not, and been taught not, but you don’t have to choose between loving Me and loving them. You don’t have to choose loving Me only vicariously through loving them. Yes, I have called you–all of you–to love each other, but I also called you first to love Me. So it is with what you call your writer-self, your musician-self, your artist-self, your photographer-self, and yes, your business-owner-self. You have needed integration in order to live the expansion I planned for you.

You have thought your spiritual and your creative sides were like cousins, and that both were related only distantly to what you call your business-self. But you are not schizophrenic. You are not separate identities or even separate roles. You are yourself–complex, multifaceted, and finally shining in all directions.

We talked recently about the Four Directions, about you walking counter-clockwise on the Wheel. Let’s think of the Four Directions in another way.

Your East is your visual self. All you see and how you respond to all you see, the light.

Your West is your audial self, all you hear within. Music and story flow from your West, a deeply creative space in you.

Your South is your loving self, all your relationships lived out–including those with animals both domestic and wild.

Your North is your thinking self, your academic side, your mathematical and yes your organized self, how you organize or prioritize data. Your business sense comes from here.

I Am in you in all of these directions. I Am both Center and the very form that unites them. They are a Cross. They are also at their fullest expression a Circle. They are a Peace Shield. No more tugging or fighting within you. That pulls the wheel off balance, out of round.

You shall both see–and express–and hear–and express.

Feel and touch–and express. Think and synthesize–and express. It is bigger than you though.

It is not that I Am giving you a Shield.

It is that you, yourself, your life expressed, you ARE a Peace Shield. Have I not told you this before?

Uhh, I am not sure. I think so. I don’t remember.

Remember. Remember everything you need to remember. The Red Fox has come, from what you call east, wearing gunfire, to free the west, the gray/black fox, the hearer of you. For all you have heard from Me here, as story and song and writing, you will hear even more. And this twinning, sight with sound will be fully joined with Heart and Mind, and all united and spinning, like your world spins, and in spinning circles, like your earth circles, sustained by Me and held in balance and beauty by Me as well. Blue is for sky and for water. Blue overarches the keen, sharp peaks of your ind and undergirds the soft gentle growing and sharing, the touching and being touched, the giving and receiving green of your south. These are your colors.

You know now that black is really not black per se, it has all the other colors, sometimes with coppers and golds, as a kitty’s fur. Sometimes it has shimmering purples and iridescent greens like Blackbird’s feathers. The deepest ocean creatures still carry light within themselves as bioluminescence. So you carry My light deep within you.

This is your True Purpose, this integration, these multiple expressions. This way of hearing and seeing, and what you hear and what you see, all True. I have spoken over you as you slept. Now you are awake. Now it is time to arise. Don’t be anxious any more over anyone else’s anxiety, don’t be burdened for their concerns. If fighting stallions were to charge over the dunes, Fox would hear and see and feel them coming. She would know to either go deep within her den of safety–which is another way to say, come here to Me–or she would move to another spot, another vantage point, and wait there–which is another way to say, live Peace out in your world. Carry the Calm I have gifted you with.

You have gifted me with Calm? But…but…but what about my pinball brain?

You know now to remember the Shield. Yes, you spin, beautifully so. You take many strands and spin and weave a whole. That work flows best from an inner calm of assurance.

Lord, I am picturing a shield, with arrows going north/south and east/west. They look like a compass.

Yes, you live True North–and also True South and True East and True West.

Yours is a Shield of Peace, a Shield of Purpose, a Shield of Love and a Shield of Light. Sleep easy. You are, as you say sometimes, both guided and guarded. You can rest.

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Mellow Meadow

Ok, God, I am testing the theory, again, that I can do more than one thing at a time, have background noise, and still talk to You. Or I should say, still listen to You. And this isn’t even a theory, I have done this before. But I somehow need and want to do it again. Truth is, I could quit what else I have been up to, and make the house, or at least this room, quieter. But I need to practice hearing Your Voice no matter where I am, or who I am with, or what else is going on. Earlier this week, I needed to have that sense of connection while driving, and while in a medical waiting room, in the midst of a working day that pulled me in more than one direction at the same time. So if it is true that You are Present, Ever-Always, Anywhere, Anytime, then I am taking this truth to its limit, or at least to the limit I can conceive of right now. Can a teacher hear You in a noisy, happy or unruly classroom? Can a tired Mom hear You while she is trying to quiet a restless baby, or arbitrate yet another sibling squabble? Can an employee hear You in a boring–or volatile–company meeting? You don’t always shout. In fact, with me, You hardly ever shout. So how can I hear You in the noise?

You can hear by feeling as well as by an auditory stimulus. You know how to feel Me, feel My Presence, by seeing. The quality of light changes, the wind shifts without a discernible cause, the water begins to move differently right in front of you. You have experienced all of these phenomena multiple times. You have come to associate those experiences with My Presence and My reaching through your sense of sight, and touch, to get your attention. I can also work through what you do–or don’t–hear as well as through what you feel and what you sense and what you see. You have literally felt the Quiet, sometimes in a quiet setting and sometimes in a setting that was far from quiet, such as a stormy day. You can practice, by asking Me to manifest My Voice to you above and beyond and underneath any surrounding noise. Try it now.

Ok, Lord, well, I am asking. The TV is on, some commercial. Fairly loud. So what exactly am I listening for? All I hear so far is the television. I keep thinking I am missing something.

Don’t think. Breathe, and listen.

Whoa. The commercial just said, captivating experience. I think it is a car commercial. But there was a note, a music note behind the words. And my heart started to beat a little faster. I am not even hearing the commercial right this second, I am feeling wind, not a cold wind, although I do have those little chill bumps. I am feeling wind, and hearing wind in my heart, not literally. I think the wind has actually died down some, outside. But I am feeling wind, and seeing a scene in my mind’s eye that feels like freedom, and expansion. There is this wide open field, somehow I think this is a mountain valley, not a seashore place. And oh, it is beautiful. If I sent out my own voice here, it would echo.

Yes, My Voice is echoing right now in your consciousness. And what am I saying, to you?

I suddenly want to, I don’t know, skip around and dance like a young child. I think I just heard–no, not exactly heard, more like felt You say, All is Well.

And so it is. All Is Well. All Is Well between us, All Is Well with your life, and your loves, and your soul. How do you feel, now?

Totally relaxed. No stress. In fact, I am not even really thinking. I mean, I am not trying to figure all this out, or figure anything out. Is this what mellow feels like?

So in the midst of noise, surrounded by paperwork, you felt the wind, you saw the field, you experienced a sudden surge of energy and then a correlating letting go, relaxing your muscles and your mind. And how did that all begin? What was the Door? What did you hear?

I heard a couple words in a commercial, and a background sort of hum. And I was off and running–literally, I saw myself running in that meadow. That was, that was wild, Lord. That was real, right?

Why did you ask Me to show you how you can be in touch with Me in the middle of noise?

Because I think I need that. And honestly, I think our world needs that. I think we need ways to touch You, Lord. To touch the hem of Your garment, have You turn and look in our eyes, and break our gaze on things that frighten or frustrate us. I think we need You, more and more. I know I do. And sometimes I feel badly about that, like I should not need You so much, like kids that grow and don’t rely as much on their parents. 

The goal is that you realize more and more how much you DO need Me, not how little. Our relationship grows deeper and stronger every day. As you get older, the wisdom you will gain is all in realizing the strength of our connection and how essential for life, for full, rich, fulfilling life, that connection is. Children grow taller–grow taller in Me. Sharpen and hone and rivet your senses, all of them, on My nearness. I promise you, your senses, if you dedicate them to My Presence, will reveal more and more how real and close I actually Am.

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Permission

I was just wishing I had more of my photos keyworded. Gosh, it would make things so much easier when I am trying to find an old image I never processed. And that prompts me to spin off into a whole series of to-do’s I never did, or finished. Sheesh. I had a productive day, though. The house looks better, finally. Kinda sorta. At least it looks better to me. I had paperwork to do and that is actually 90% finished. Last night I watched half of an hour-long podcast on creativity. I say watched–actually I half watched while I was sorting through papers on my desk, and even then, I managed only 30 minutes before I had to stop and give my full attention elsewhere. One of the questions the speaker was addressing was what stops you from creating? Several of the online participants said time, in one fashion or another. Yeah, me too. Or the sense that creativity is the reward after chores are done, which of course they never completely are. We have talked about this before, I know.  But somebody said something that I heard in a different way, somehow, and that was the phrase, Permission Slips. Give Yourself Permission. I remember permission slips–they let you go on field trips. I feel as if we have one coming at the end of the month. A Permission Slip. A Field Trip. I like the word slip, too — because I am thinking now not of a slip as in slip and fall, and not of the slip you wear under a skirt, but slipping out, slipping away, slipping through. A playful word, slip. Permission Slips. You didn’t fill them out yourself. I mean, you were not supposed to! It was for your parents to do. Your authority figures. The person in charge of you. I get the whole “give yourself permission” as an idea. Just not so much as a reality, ha! So if I came to You and asked You for a Permission Slip, what would You say? What would it say?

The Parent signs the slip. It is already filled out for whatever the permission is being sought to do. So let Me ask you–what would it say? What would you be asking My Permission for?

Oh! Oh. Well, dag, that stopped me in my tracks. Cliche intended. 

Why the cliche?

Because I miss animals. I miss wildlife. I miss being with them for more than a second, or five minutes. I miss being a part of their lives, I guess. I miss foxes. You know I miss foxes. I am going to spend the rest of my life, missing foxes.

Until you don’t.

Until I get over it, you mean.

Oh, no, I don’t mean that at all. You are not meant to “get over it.” Why would I want you to get over such a deep love?

Because it’s over. Because it’s gone.

Do you believe you still have the capacity to love another wild fox? Another wild critter?

Yes, Lord, I do.

Then your love life with the wild is not over. And while you may not see the fox you came to know so well, that does not mean your days of companionship with wildlife are over.

Really? Because I would so love that. Yes, I am eager for moments of connection–but honestly, I have been asking for moments only because–

Only because you think that is all you can hope for now. Moments. Brief glimpses, chance encounters.

Well, yes.

What if I told you your past life with your fox family was a prelude? What if I told you that experience was meant to prepare you for something even greater? Even deeper?

Are You telling me that? Because honestly, I don’t want to get my hopes up just to be disappointed. That would break my heart all over again. It is easier to be walled in, a little stoic.

But that is not honest. That is not who you are. You are so far from walled in and stoic.

God, being vulnerable, even to Your earth, it hurts, sometimes. 

And it is wildly joyous, too.

Yes, wildly joyous. That is why I miss it, I guess. 

What is happening with your little feral kitty?

Oh my goodness, she is hardly feral anymore! She lets me pick her up, she purrs loudly like a kitten, she nuzzles against me, she nuzzles against our Sheltie, it is amazing, the change in her.

Your love did that. Your trust did that. I have told you before, call the wild. Call them to come to you.

God, I called Freddi. I did. I called and walked and drove and called and wrote her a song and called some more. And she never came. I didn’t even see Patches!! I would love to meet Patches. If I can’t have Freddi, can I have Patches? I say that and then my shoulders slump. I’ve left Nags Head, left their territory. They didn’t leave me, I had to leave them. So what can I say about that? What can you say about that? What can anyone say about that?

Don’t fret, and don’t cry. Let Me restore the lost years. I happen to be very good at restoration.

Ha, yes Lord, yes You are. 

So let’s see that Permission Slip one more time.

Okay. Here goes. It says, I give Eve Turek permission to spend time outdoors creating another relationship with a wild fox family.

And you would like Me to sign that?

I would. So much. I know You could…You can do anything. 

I Am going to sign this slip for you. But before you go, I have something else for you. It is a whole booklet, a packet, of Permission Slips. Each one is pre-signed, by Me. Each one has your name at the top–

I Give My Child Eve Permission To…

and each one has a blank space for YOU to fill in.

Pre-signed?!? How can You do that?

Because I know you, I watch you, I trust you. You aren’t going to be selfish or foolish or hurtful with these slips. If anything you will try to overwrite your name with someone else’s, and give your blessings away. But these are written with indelible ink. These are for you.

God, the longer I hold on to these slips, the thicker the packet becomes. It is literally growing thicker in my hand by the second, as I am thinking about what these might look like. 

Yes, these are for your lifetime. You need a lot of slips, yet! There are a lot of field trips to come, a lot of adventures to have, a lot of books to read–and write–still in store. You are always asking for permission, even if you don’t ask aloud. So I want you to settle this in your heart, and this is a way you can do that. My Answer to you is Yes. The Answer is Yes; what is the question? Because I know who you are, and how you ask. So go live some Yes! Take My Permission and run with it! See where this leads you. The world awaits, and a beautiful, wondrous, alive world it is.

Wow, God, Permission Slips!! Thank You!