Perfection Unmasked

Thanks, Lord, for a great opening day at Yellowhouse. We were busy, busy enough that it was a struggle at times to get needed tasks done. But I am glad we went ahead and opened. It’s funny, I could probably have made a weak case for getting open a week ago, and I could have made a strong case for waiting another week!  We just weren’t ready last week…and both of us felt it was time, although there are still tweaks to be made and inventory to price and put out. So this brings up a question inside: how do we ever really know we are “ready” — especially when change is involved? Change can be exciting or feel risky, adventurous or intimidating. Any new chapter can be all of that at once! So how do we know we are ready?

Define ready.

Uh, well, in this case, ready would mean having the space organized enough to both showcase what we are offering and safe enough to move around in. Ready also means having enough to offer…aha, okay, I want to talk about that part, I guess. “Having enough to offer.” I can look around a retail space and decide yes or no. But inside? In my soul? How do I know I am ready for a next chapter when it involves giving something of myself I may not have given before, or not to this extent? You can’t know until you go, right? But gosh, that seems either scary, or arrogant (to assume you are ready or capable when you are not), or in some cases maybe too restrictive–you might never go, thinking you were never ready!

One of the legacies of your school years is this sense that the only acceptable state is perfection. “Not to get an A is to fail.” This runs deeper in you than you know. It is one thing to try to do your best. It is another thing to adopt a core belief that “your best” requires perfect performance, perfect discernment, never making any mistakes or missteps– in short, you allow yourself no room to really grow, no room to try, because “trying” implies a willingness to stretch into something that is by definition not yet perfect, not yet finished, otherwise, you wouldn’t be trying, you would be “doing” or “achieving.” How many experiences have you denied yourself over this notion that you could not try? That you had to go from 0 to 60 in a nanosecond. That you had to reach the goal line on the opening drive of the game. The pressure you received from those years is enormous and instead of diminishing over time, it has grown into an internal monster that accuses you always, never letting you rest, never letting you breathe. That monster will kill you prematurely if you keep giving it quarter. You need to unmask it for the liar it is. You need to compare its voice to Mine. You need to say, clearly and firmly, my life is not being graded. I am loved for who I am, for the heart with which I embrace others, for my genuineness in relationships, for my collaborative (not competitive) spirit, for my generosity with both time and treasure, and for my stubborn allegiance to ways of peace. Eve, you are not failing. Not at anything.

God, I had no idea this still ran so deep. This…this sense, of having to always, always achieve. I am sitting here crying and I don’t know how to stop being who I am, who I’ve been.

I just told you, this isn’t who you are. This is who you were told to be, encouraged to be. It doesn’t mean you are a slacker. It doesn’t mean you are not committed, or passionate about what you do. It does mean you love to learn.

I do, Lord, I do.

I know you do. It also means you love to share, you don’t hold back information or tips or hints — you are so far from stingy, with everything. Look at you now, being willing to be vulnerable, putting this out there.

Yes, well, You told me to.

I told you that you had a choice. You can choose to keep anything we talk about private, and I will love you and cherish you no less.

But God, I can’t be the only one, struggling with this sense of self.

No, you are not.

So I guess that is why I am willing to share. What if somebody, somebody like me, reads this, and says, oh good grief, she is writing about me, she is talking about me. Then it is all worth it.

Why worth it? Why do you say that?

Because maybe that someone will get a breakthrough, will receive understanding, and be gentler with themselves.

And what about you? When do you get to be gentler with yourself?

I don’t know. I keep thinking, once everything is “done” — but everything is never really done. There is always more.

Like another paper to write in school, another quiz to prepare for, another exam you have to ace.

Yes! Yes, exactly.

You see, this thinking has overlaid your approach to all of life. And it is taking the fun out of life. Were your school days happy? Did you just love school? Did you thrive on the pressure?

No, actually, I was unhappy inside most of those years, until I began to form a relationship with You. Before that, the depression was pretty severe, although I think I hid it well enough. So what do I do now? What is my–Your–third way for this? Obviously, it isn’t a half-hearted, who cares, kind of attitude. I guess I need a new definition for “do your best.” I am trying to remember what You said to me before, about perfection. About be ye perfect as your Father in Heaven is perfect, which, let me just say, is absolutely perfect. I am just saying.

Be WHOLE. Be COMPLETE. Be your best self. Those are better translations. Not be stressed to the max, be stretched thin, be unrelenting in self-pressure. I never said the fruit of My Spirit is perfect performance, now did I?

No.

Love…joy…peace…patience…goodness…you already strive to add those to everything you do. Let Perfection go. It is not a Fruit I seek. Ripe and Perfect are NOT the same thing. Ripe is another word for “ready.” You can be full, full of love, and overflow. You can be full of joy. You can be full of patience and kindness and peace and goodness. Let Me fill you up with Myself, united with your self, your gifts, your heart, your personality. But let’s fine-tune this part of you that thinks I require a perfect life. I just want a real life. An honest life. A united life, with Me.

Can we talk about this some more? All of a sudden I am really tired.

Of course you are. This is a lot to grapple with, a lot to take in. You have acknowledged a major player in your own mind’s assessment of yourself. That is a necessary first step, for you to see how ingrained this is, and how damaging. Now we can work on this together from here. For tonight, rest. Rest in peace, and sleep in joy. Know that you have My complete love and delight, not because you are perfect, but because you are you.

Okay, Lord, thank You. I love You, Lord.