Tumbling Down The Well

Lord, I know what is most important to You is not work. It’s relationship. So what can I do? I feel like I’m side-stepping this problem; no matter how I have tried, I can’t seem to resolve this. I have tried to address symptoms but the underlying drivenness remains. And I do see this, really, as a deficit of character, not as an asset–at least at its current level. Maybe it could be an asset in moderation. So can I, dare I, ask You to help? The only way I can think of to truly make amends is to a)work less and b)quit manifesting anxiety and I am not there, in my own strength.

You can ask Me to remove anything and everything that separates you from My best for you. Do you think this state of being is My best? Do you view this way of being as a gift from Me? Do you think I can help you get everything done? Do you think I can protect you without your having to be hyper-vigilant, like that tv show you watched a while back, about the veteran?

Lord, are You saying I have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder? That’s ridiculous! That’s for victims of trauma, like soldiers or the abused or hurricane victims, or 9-11, right?

2011 was your personal, private, 9-11. The twin towers were Pete’s cancer and Patrick’s death–both sudden, life-never-the-same attacks from outside yourself on your normal everyday life.

God, I’m sobbing now. You say that and bang, I’m sobbing, getting my paper wet. What do I do? What do I do?

You start by being honest. You start by asking for help. You don’t try to hide it, from yourself, from Me, from others.

Lord, I’m really embarrassed. And I’m really ashamed. Shouldn’t this relationship I have with You be enough?

It is because of our connection that you are still functioning at all. You opted to stay strong and power through that time, but you are like a car that is stuck in 4th gear now. You can’t shift. You can’t down-shift, you can’t put it in neutral for more than a few minutes at a time–like here, or walking outside–and even then, your inner motor is revving, just waiting to kick into overdrive again. It’s why you can’t settle. Why you are so restless. Why you don’t make music. Why all of a sudden you struggle to write. Why you can’t remember. You’re on overdrive and on auto-pilot. You’re trying to multitask mentally, juggle all these different must-do’s and need-to’s and shoulds. You’ve gone beyond overload. You’re like a power plant that has been running too long at peak capacity and the whole thing is in danger of shutting down.

Lord, that is my fear, though, that the grid will go down, so to speak. In my life. It is the same fear family members have, I guess. They go around angry. Me, I’m just so afraid…and then this past fall, with Pete…and the other day, with Pete…I feel like I can’t let down my guard for one second. I feel like, if I take a break, take a walk, take a breather, that is the very moment he will need me, and I won’t be right there. So. That is my fear.

I know. And yet, when you stop and think, you realize you are not afraid of Me, and you do trust Me. So you feel confused, too.

Yes, that is true.

These are all symptoms. Sometimes symptoms must increase so the diagnosis can be made, so the condition can be identified and treated.

And You are saying I need professional help? Since I can’t handle this?

Eve, Eve. You did handle this. That is what you are not seeing. You did. You do. You came through like a trooper–but you are still stuck in “like a trooper” mode. That is the problem. You are waiting, 24/7, for the shoe to drop. For the next sudden attack on your life. That’s the problem.

Yes, well. Isn’t that obvious? I mean, hello, isn’t that where we are? Where he is, and where I am? Isn’t that where the whole world is, at some point?

So let Me play this back for you. You are saying the best response to aging is to move into a crisis mode with greater anxiety and less joy, just so you can be prepared for an eventual inevitable disaster? And that is the best I can offer humans for their latter years? And that is the most humans can expect of themselves, each other, and Me? Is that really what you think, or believe?

Well, when You put it that way…

No–you put it that way. You put it that way every time you make a choice to operate from a perspective that says, everything around you is falling apart and it is your responsibility to keep all the pieces together and in play. But everything around you is not falling apart, for one thing, and it is not your responsibility to hold everything together, as I have told you before. It is your responsibility to do what?

To live each day connected to You, and in love. In love with You, in love with Pete, in love with this beautiful, messy world and my beautiful, messy life.

And what part of love, of lovingkindness does the puzzle piece of your stress and anxiety, your fear and drivenness fit?

Lord, it doesn’t. It doesn’t fit the puzzle at all. It is the wrong size and the wrong shape and the wrong color. And it has rough, sharp edges. 

I want you to live “as if.” Some people counsel to live as if you are dying, as if life is shrinking and diminishing and you have to cram as much as you can into every moment. I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to live as though nothing matters and there is no purpose either. I want you to live a third way. I want you to live AS IF this day, every day, is the best day of your life so far. And then get up tomorrow and do that again. Just purpose in your heart, wow, this day is going to be incredible! Then let’s color in what incredible looks and feels like for you. It is different for everyone. For you, it does include both time to reflect and time to create, time to be with those you love and time to be alone, time at the Page with Me and time noticing the natural world. Incredible for you includes beauty in many forms. Words in many genres. Music. Laughter. The affection of furry critters. You’ve tumbled once again down a deep well of grief and you need to climb toward the light. Miraculously, nothing is really broken–yet. And there is a ladder leading up. So let’s climb out together, shall we?

Spiritual Hydration

This week has been a rollercoaster. And while I was writing down all of the various whats and whys, I had this insight, and I think You inspired it. I need to live in each present moment emotionally even when I need to plan ahead, mentally. Like making to-do lists. That is planning ahead mentally. But I don’t need to live ahead emotionally. That’s it! Right?

Yes, this is the secret of “don’t worry about tomorrow; let tomorrow take care of itself.”  Worry is an emotional response. Mindfulness doesn’t mean ignoring the future or the past but it does mean staying spiritually and emotionally grounded in the present.

Ok, Lord, well I am definitely going to need Your help with that. As I said, this week has been a roller-coaster of thought and emotion.

So, come and drink. You need water. You are picturing as you often do a cool, clear, safe mountain stream to drink from. You need to stay hydrated, especially today. Especially after your recent surges of adrenalin, which you handled very well. But just like an athlete does, you need to replenish. So before you eat even, drink a glass of water.

Next, in your shower, take a few minutes and let the water rain on you. Try to relax your very tight muscles. Even now your jaw is clenched as you write—see you weren’t even conscious of that. So take a few minutes to relax.

Third, do a gratitude list this morning. It will help you shift your focus. Even though you did one last night, do another this morning. Gratitude always brightens our outlook and refreshes your spirit.

Fourth, build in time to go to the ocean this afternoon. Even a few minutes there, really listening to the sound of the surf, will restore you.

You will get through the day’s tasks and have more energy than you have right now. If you can trust Me to just begin, I promise you today will only get better.

Ok, Lord, and thank You.

Fear of the Future

Lord, I feel like Kingsley. Sometimes he is content to play or chew, sometimes to nap or cuddle, but the last couple of days he is so wiggly, so squirmy, as if he can’t settle or get comfortable. I am picturing myself exactly like that—arms and legs flailing, wanting down, wanting to run. For him, this is natural and healthy; he is growing and running towards his future. Me, I feel as if I am trying to run away from it and it is looming larger and scarier every day.

Do you think I have changed? Do you think I no longer Am already in your future, preparing you, preparing your life for the days ahead? Do you think the future is some country where I Am not present, not involved, not caring about and for you?

Some people struggle with anger or pride or selfishness. You struggle with fear and worry. These are your challenges. You have made much progress in trust and faith, but let Me ask you a question. I already know the answer, but I want you to hear yourself say it: do you think I Am no longer good? No longer Love? No longer Peace, or Joy? Do you think hope is foolish and gratitude is empty? Do you think all I have said, all I have done, is a lie—or am I a truth-teller still?

Oh Lord, I know You are all those things—and more. I know You are good and kind and that Love and Peace and Joy are not only Your gifts but also Your very nature.

But…? You are thinking a But…

But we get thrown curve balls. You have said You are not testing us, or not just for testing’s sake. You have said You don’t cause natural disasters—or, I am paraphrasing now—human health ones either. So if these challenges are not You, then what are they? How can I understand them?

Do you remember what I said the other day about a clockmaker, making and winding a clock?


Now I want you to imagine the clockmaker doing something that in your limited viewpoint seems pointless, even unacceptable. I want you to picture the clockmaker holding in his hands a clock that no longer keeps time, that constantly stops and starts. Picture that clock scratched and scarred, with vestiges of its earlier beauty marked by years of use, faithfully ticking away, but no longer able to function anywhere near its peak performance. Now picture the clockmaker carefully disassembling the clock, the very clock he himself made. I want you to imagine the clockmaker taking all these parts and laying them out, cleaning and polishing them, repairing where needed, and adding new parts to the pile. Now watch as the clockmaker assembles a new, even more beautiful and intricate instrument that doesn’t need winding and that keeps perfect rhythm for eternity. Who wouldn’t want that? Who wouldn’t want to be that? You see clues in nature even now. Why do you think you are noticing all the butterflies this season? Why do you think you got to watch the caterpillars and chrysalis formation? These were all meant as gifts to encourage you, to give you hope. What do you do with Kingsley when he seems frantic?

I hold him close so he can hear or feel my heartbeat.


And he calms down, almost immediately.

Let Me hold you close. Listen to My Heartbeat. Remember Who I Am. Remember Whose you are. And know this: every human clock you watch unwinding is being readied for a limitless life of perfect rhythm, perfectly balanced, perfectly in tune, perfectly aligned. Do you—can you—believe for this?

Yes, Lord, I can.

Then let this strengthen, encourage and comfort you. If you can calm your new puppy, why can’t you let Me calm you? And don’t run away from your future. I still have much to give you, much to show you, much to share with you. And you have much to share with others. Be at Peace, Little One. Sleep easier tonight. I Am with you, and with everyone you love. I will never leave you, nor will I leave them. So, you rest in My care and let Me care for your loved ones.

Bring your feelings

Gosh, God, I am tired. Julia Cameron counsels morning pages for first thoughts. It’s nearly 9 pm; these are definitely not first thoughts. My first thought, after how good the puppy was to wake me to go out, was panic. Panic inside and efficient calm outside because that is what I do. Now after a long day in the ER, Pete is resting quietly and who knows what happened this morning, what was the cause of his weakness. You know. You really know. And as hard as today was, all the love I felt, from friends and family really helped get me through. But all that talk yesterday about joy, honestly, I didn’t have much of that today. And now I am at that little kid point of tired where I am just rambling. 

You are like a tea kettle. You need a place to let off steam, in this case, the steam of pent up worry. Even your efficient responses today created steam, since you had to think and do rather than feel and be. And you did. You did, and you thought, and you managed. The danger for you now is to stay in that mode and not take time to go ahead and let off the pressure, and allow yourself to feel and express that feeling.

God, You say that and I tear up. I was afraid. I’m sorry but I was afraid.

Of course you were. You need to bring those fears and feelings to Me, not out of sorrow or shame but out of confidence and faith, like a young child who brings a hurt to a parent to make it all better. It’s like breathing; you can let out your held-in breath now. You can breathe. You can relax a little. You were vigilant, tense, on alert, all day.

I don’t know what is going to happen.

You do know what is going to happen–you just don’t know when, or how. So what I can tell you is, the time to grieve or mourn is not yet, not now. Trust Me at least this much, for at least this. Take this assurance in with each breath. And know that when the time comes to let go, I will be with you; you will not be alone. And when your own time comes to let go, again I will be with you and I will also be with all of those who love you, who must let you go. I want you to greet tomorrow’s sunrise with gratitude for the day and all the blessings in it. Take time tomorrow to rewind today. Each time you feel that fear, that angst, I want you to lift it up to Me. You can give me your fears and your feelings again and again and again. I can handle them. I can carry them. And I can ease you, over and over, and make your load lighter and easier. Tomorrow will be a better, easier, more joyful day; paradoxically, every moment of laughter and ease tomorrow will be sweeter because of today’s challenges. So allow yourself to feel all your feelings–the difficult ones and the more joyous ones. Don’t hide them from yourself or from Me. I know you have to have a public face. But not here. Not with Me. Never with Me.


It’s about 8:45 a.m. I keep the house quiet, and he sleeps. What would You say?


Do all from love; do nothing from worry. Like the stacking game, you are afraid if you remove worry from your foundation that your entire life will come tumbling down. No, no! It is an illusion. Your life will be more beautiful without it. Worry is making your heart like a wall, solid, featureless, with no windows.

God, I can see it visually. Like how the game starts—it’s just a solid pillar.

 The key to stability is balance. Not yin-yang, good/bad, light/dark. That’s not balance, that’s neutrality. I don’t want you neutral—I want you exuberant! I want you overjoyed! I want you rejoicing—hopeful—expectant! You counter balance the world view that says “gloom and doom,” that says “be cautious,” that says “be careful,” that says “hide your light.” “Don’t draw attention.” I say, Shine your light! I say, Shout from the rooftops! Quit being neutral. Be positive.

Wow, Lord, I never, ever thought of balance like that. So…You’re saying…when I am, uh, stubbornly hopeful, I’m actually balanced?

YES. That is exactly what I Am saying. Joy more abundantly is My definition of balance, because My Joy is your strength, is your stability. Your compass, your True North, is Joy and Peace. These are your balance points. A circle is balanced. No part pulls another.

Adjust Your Sails

Lord, You know I am still stressing over finances. I can’t seem to stop worrying. And when I worry, I react badly—inside—to what others say or do. And I second-guess my every decision, even decisions I thought I heard about from You.

You are waiting for the wind to shift before you adjust your sails. It is what the world does. I am saying to you, adjust your sails and the wind will shift. Get ready, anticipating a blessing. The man in the parable was greedy and stingy, but I am telling you, build a bigger barn. A bumper crop is coming; it is even now growing. It is even now on its way. Take in the rainbow; it is a sign for you of My provision.

Am I not still Jehovah-Jireh? Can I not now also be your Jehovah-Rapha?

You are reacting as you always do, trying to make up a deficit at cost to yourself. What about the loaves and fishes? What about the lost coin? What about the pearl of great price? What about the coin in the fish’s mouth? If the Kingdom of God doesn’t touch you right where you live, and in your society—which includes money, the very foundation of exchange for everything except the air you breathe—then what good is it?

My Kingdom is not esoteric. My Kingdom is based on Love. My Kingdom is not ascetic. It is not a system of exchange, your wealth for poverty. What would miraculous provision look like, to you?

Let Me provide, as a lesson to you. Let Me work, so you can clearly see it is I. I have shown a spotlight on what you call a deficit to illuminate a much bigger deficit in your thinking, in your pattern of thought and belief—about money, and Me, and you, your life. That is the deficit that must be overcome, and the miraculous is the only way that will happen. So I don’t want you to engineer anything in the natural. Instead, set your sails. Instead, watch Me shift the wind. Instead, watch Me work. Continue to be generous, and watch Me give to you.