Tumbling Down The Well

Lord, I know what is most important to You is not work. It’s relationship. So what can I do? I feel like I’m side-stepping this problem; no matter how I have tried, I can’t seem to resolve this. I have tried to address symptoms but the underlying drivenness remains. And I do see this, really, as a deficit of character, not as an asset–at least at its current level. Maybe it could be an asset in moderation. So can I, dare I, ask You to help? The only way I can think of to truly make amends is to a)work less and b)quit manifesting anxiety and I am not there, in my own strength.

You can ask Me to remove anything and everything that separates you from My best for you. Do you think this state of being is My best? Do you view this way of being as a gift from Me? Do you think I can help you get everything done? Do you think I can protect you without your having to be hyper-vigilant, like that tv show you watched a while back, about the veteran?

Lord, are You saying I have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder? That’s ridiculous! That’s for victims of trauma, like soldiers or the abused or hurricane victims, or 9-11, right?

2011 was your personal, private, 9-11. The twin towers were Pete’s cancer and Patrick’s death–both sudden, life-never-the-same attacks from outside yourself on your normal everyday life.

God, I’m sobbing now. You say that and bang, I’m sobbing, getting my paper wet. What do I do? What do I do?

You start by being honest. You start by asking for help. You don’t try to hide it, from yourself, from Me, from others.

Lord, I’m really embarrassed. And I’m really ashamed. Shouldn’t this relationship I have with You be enough?

It is because of our connection that you are still functioning at all. You opted to stay strong and power through that time, but you are like a car that is stuck in 4th gear now. You can’t shift. You can’t down-shift, you can’t put it in neutral for more than a few minutes at a time–like here, or walking outside–and even then, your inner motor is revving, just waiting to kick into overdrive again. It’s why you can’t settle. Why you are so restless. Why you don’t make music. Why all of a sudden you struggle to write. Why you can’t remember. You’re on overdrive and on auto-pilot. You’re trying to multitask mentally, juggle all these different must-do’s and need-to’s and shoulds. You’ve gone beyond overload. You’re like a power plant that has been running too long at peak capacity and the whole thing is in danger of shutting down.

Lord, that is my fear, though, that the grid will go down, so to speak. In my life. It is the same fear family members have, I guess. They go around angry. Me, I’m just so afraid…and then this past fall, with Pete…and the other day, with Pete…I feel like I can’t let down my guard for one second. I feel like, if I take a break, take a walk, take a breather, that is the very moment he will need me, and I won’t be right there. So. That is my fear.

I know. And yet, when you stop and think, you realize you are not afraid of Me, and you do trust Me. So you feel confused, too.

Yes, that is true.

These are all symptoms. Sometimes symptoms must increase so the diagnosis can be made, so the condition can be identified and treated.

And You are saying I need professional help? Since I can’t handle this?

Eve, Eve. You did handle this. That is what you are not seeing. You did. You do. You came through like a trooper–but you are still stuck in “like a trooper” mode. That is the problem. You are waiting, 24/7, for the shoe to drop. For the next sudden attack on your life. That’s the problem.

Yes, well. Isn’t that obvious? I mean, hello, isn’t that where we are? Where he is, and where I am? Isn’t that where the whole world is, at some point?

So let Me play this back for you. You are saying the best response to aging is to move into a crisis mode with greater anxiety and less joy, just so you can be prepared for an eventual inevitable disaster? And that is the best I can offer humans for their latter years? And that is the most humans can expect of themselves, each other, and Me? Is that really what you think, or believe?

Well, when You put it that way…

No–you put it that way. You put it that way every time you make a choice to operate from a perspective that says, everything around you is falling apart and it is your responsibility to keep all the pieces together and in play. But everything around you is not falling apart, for one thing, and it is not your responsibility to hold everything together, as I have told you before. It is your responsibility to do what?

To live each day connected to You, and in love. In love with You, in love with Pete, in love with this beautiful, messy world and my beautiful, messy life.

And what part of love, of lovingkindness does the puzzle piece of your stress and anxiety, your fear and drivenness fit?

Lord, it doesn’t. It doesn’t fit the puzzle at all. It is the wrong size and the wrong shape and the wrong color. And it has rough, sharp edges. 

I want you to live “as if.” Some people counsel to live as if you are dying, as if life is shrinking and diminishing and you have to cram as much as you can into every moment. I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to live as though nothing matters and there is no purpose either. I want you to live a third way. I want you to live AS IF this day, every day, is the best day of your life so far. And then get up tomorrow and do that again. Just purpose in your heart, wow, this day is going to be incredible! Then let’s color in what incredible looks and feels like for you. It is different for everyone. For you, it does include both time to reflect and time to create, time to be with those you love and time to be alone, time at the Page with Me and time noticing the natural world. Incredible for you includes beauty in many forms. Words in many genres. Music. Laughter. The affection of furry critters. You’ve tumbled once again down a deep well of grief and you need to climb toward the light. Miraculously, nothing is really broken–yet. And there is a ladder leading up. So let’s climb out together, shall we?

Calling on Angels

NOTE: This particular entry dates back to December 2015. I felt led to post it tonight upon hearing of a domestic shooting in another state. After the word “bombing” in my original opening sentence, I added the words “shooting” and “attack,” after praying about altering the original entry. I offer it tonight as my prayer and intention for peace.

Oh, God, another bombing (shooting/attack). Please, please, please, please, please. Please.

Don’t worry and call it prayer. Don’t fear and call it wisdom. Don’t hate and call it justice.

Take a deep breath, and pray for My will, which is Peace, to be done.

Take another deep breath, and pray for My Kingdom, which is Love, to come.

Take yet one more deep breath, and pray for My Angels, who are heralds of Hope, to be once again seen, once again heard, once again felt, and once again followed.

Ssshhhh. You can cry; I Am crying too. What? You think I don’t weep with those who weep? I don’t ask you to do anything I Myself Am not already doing. Yes, I will wipe away all tears—but not today. Not as long as there is still grief and sorrow in your world. But bring those tears to Me. Don’t let what you see and hear make you bitter. This is hard work, to remain connected to Me as the Source of Love and Goodness when voices all around you begin to shout louder and louder in rage and revenge. That is what leads to war, you know—those voices. So cry if you must, but cry for peace.

Salt and Pepper

Ok, so. So now what?

What do you do when you skim the fat off the top of a pot of soup?

I discard it and then I can add seasonings. Then I stir.

So these random musings, which are almost diary-like, serve the same purpose. They get you ready to distil the essence of what is important, what you can discard, and they help you taste your life to see what’s missing, what it needs.

Lord, what does my life need today? What does it need right now?

You can over-season, over-salt, put in too much pepper, and ruin what would have been a great recipe. You need balance.

Lord, I’ve had soup like that–so much salt or pepper I couldn’t eat it! When I think of salt now, I think of tears. And when I think of pepper, I think of anger.

So this is very important. Not only can you over-season, you can under-season. Soup–and life–is very bland if it is too watered down with no seasoning at all. So don’t be afraid of your seasons of tears or anger; just bring the whole of your life to Me. Tell Me here what makes you sad or makes you mad. Then we can more easily focus on what makes you glad still.

You see how cathartic that was? It is okay to acknowledge situations you think are unfair or hurtful. How can I help you right a wrong if you are not honest with Me or with yourself?

You can help me right a wrong I didn’t cause? One I don’t deserve?

But of course. Forgiveness is part of the process which you know very well. But that is not all. Sometimes restoration is needed. Sometimes a new situation needs to fill the gaps left in the aftermath of an older one. There is always a way to move forward. There is always a way to find or generate peace and joy. But you have to begin by stopping. Stop and acknowledge where you are. Then you can go on with more clarity.



God, I have—we all have—been taught so many different things about You. They can’t all be true. Here is one: You make bad things happen to punish us. Is that true?

You have been taught that I Am a God of suffering, that I afflict My Children to test or punish them. I have much to say about this.

But let Me begin with this: My Heart is to bless My children, to lavish My Love upon humanity. There are consequences for bad behavior or bad choices, and people misinterpret those consequences as My punishment. Even genetic or environmental illnesses come about because of ill-thought choices.

No, My Will is to see each of My children grow as Jesus grew: “in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” What does that mean? It means growing mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Growing in relationship to the earth, to your own body, to Me as your God, and to others around you. It’s another way of saying, growing in Love.

What gardener wants any of his flowers to wilt? What farmer wants any of his crops to fail? What rancher wants any of his animals to sicken and die? How can you possibly think I Am less than any earthly farmer or gardener or rancher or shepherd? Am I not the Good Shepherd? Do I not give good gifts?


More on Faith and Love

The vet came, and we are going to have to put Mikey down, soon. I am thinking maybe even today. It’s wild, I journal yesterday about him, and now, this. I might’ve said, I don’t have the faith to see him healed but now, after what You said yesterday, that is not it. Is it?

Love would let him go. Sometimes Love holds on and sometimes Love lets go. True Love is discerning–it knows its time. It knows its purpose in each situation, each decision. When Love knows it is not yet time to let go, then Love energizes faith; the knowing what is best, what is most loving, gives the power for healing to happen. True Faith is believing in the reality and power of Love, in what Love can do in the world, whether it be in a sick body or a broken heart or a devastated community. And since I Am Love, Faith at its deepest and purest has eyes to see Me in every situation, to see My Hand in everything–not as Cause, necessarily. Sometimes as Cure.

If you can learn to live from Love, let Love be the foundation for everything you do and think and say, you will have the kind of faith that can move mountains–if moving a mountain is truly what Love needs to happen! You can also have the kind of faith that moves you–that inspires you to take action, all based in Love. So you see, letting Mikey go is an act of Love, and therefore, also an act of faith, an assurance you are doing the best thing.

But it still hurts.

(Gently) Yes, little one, I know. I better than anyone know the hurt Love experiences in the world. This is little comfort to you now, but the world I envisioned, the world I first created, the world where Mikey is now, has no hurt, no time, no limit, no end. It is only and always Love. Mikey has simply returned to that which he was created to inhabit all along. He is the one who is Home; you are the one still absent. Remember how I said yesterday, Faith connects others to Me through your Love?

Yes. What did You mean, exactly?

If you can believe, you will experience the connection to everyone you have ever loved, who has passed from sight, but is with Me, alive, in joy. There is no separation within Myself. You really do inhabit parallel universes–that is one way of phrasing it. The more you can open yourself up to eternity, the more of eternity you will experience in your earthly life. You have had moments of this, dreams of this, flashes of this. These were not anomalies. In a real sense, any sense of separation you experience–from Me, from those you love–is the anomaly. Love Is. Mikey is now held in purest Love. Allow your heart to rest in this knowing, if only for brief minutes at a time, and that knowing will comfort you beyond your mind’s understanding. And you will experience what you call “faith”–walking the bridge that connects you to Me, and to others. You pictured a tightrope, high, scary, windy. See how solid it really is? See how beautiful the country? You have glimpses and then the vision fades. Be not discouraged. Just feel the Love.

God’s Gratitude List

What in the world would You say, today?

As a parent, you want–I want–the best for our children.

Yes. And…? But…?

No “and.” What can you add to “the best”? No “but”–no exceptions. What is hurting your heart today is fear.

Ok, Lord. It’s hard, though. It’s really hard. Fear makes people do crazy things.

That is why I want you to “be not afraid.” That’s why I want you to focus on Love.

So, God, do You have a message for me to share today? A third way kind of message? I can barely hear You through my sorrow.

Your world is not hopeless, nor is it helpless, although it seems that way to you right now. I have called you to love mercy and to walk open-hearted with Me. When John the Baptist was murdered, I needed some time alone, some time to commune with My Father, some time to receive new strength to meet the needs of the hour. You need that, too–you, as a person and the larger “you” of community and nation. Mostly you need to hear that Hope and Love are not foolish, though they seem so to you now. You try to make Gratitude Lists, even through your tears. Would it surprise you to know I have a Gratitude List, too? Would you like to know some of My Gratitudes for today?

I, God, Am Grateful for loving hearts that struggle to find goodness when all around them seems to be falling apart.

I, God, Am Grateful for anyone, everyone, willing to engage in listening to those with opposite points of view in order to reach common ground and build a better tomorrow.

I, God, Am Grateful for every act of brave kindness, from those who sheltered others in Las Vegas to those who stand up to bullying on the playground.

I, God, Am Grateful every time any person shifts to a loving, peace-centered world view, and seeks to implement that shift in their own relationships with their families, their friends, and strangers they encounter day-to-day.

And I, God, Am Grateful for you–and millions more like you–who get discouraged but never give up on Love as the Way.

Keep shining. Your world needs rainbows through its tears. Keep the Light on.