Tumbling Down The Well

Lord, I know what is most important to You is not work. It’s relationship. So what can I do? I feel like I’m side-stepping this problem; no matter how I have tried, I can’t seem to resolve this. I have tried to address symptoms but the underlying drivenness remains. And I do see this, really, as a deficit of character, not as an asset–at least at its current level. Maybe it could be an asset in moderation. So can I, dare I, ask You to help? The only way I can think of to truly make amends is to a)work less and b)quit manifesting anxiety and I am not there, in my own strength.

You can ask Me to remove anything and everything that separates you from My best for you. Do you think this state of being is My best? Do you view this way of being as a gift from Me? Do you think I can help you get everything done? Do you think I can protect you without your having to be hyper-vigilant, like that tv show you watched a while back, about the veteran?

Lord, are You saying I have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder? That’s ridiculous! That’s for victims of trauma, like soldiers or the abused or hurricane victims, or 9-11, right?

2011 was your personal, private, 9-11. The twin towers were Pete’s cancer and Patrick’s death–both sudden, life-never-the-same attacks from outside yourself on your normal everyday life.

God, I’m sobbing now. You say that and bang, I’m sobbing, getting my paper wet. What do I do? What do I do?

You start by being honest. You start by asking for help. You don’t try to hide it, from yourself, from Me, from others.

Lord, I’m really embarrassed. And I’m really ashamed. Shouldn’t this relationship I have with You be enough?

It is because of our connection that you are still functioning at all. You opted to stay strong and power through that time, but you are like a car that is stuck in 4th gear now. You can’t shift. You can’t down-shift, you can’t put it in neutral for more than a few minutes at a time–like here, or walking outside–and even then, your inner motor is revving, just waiting to kick into overdrive again. It’s why you can’t settle. Why you are so restless. Why you don’t make music. Why all of a sudden you struggle to write. Why you can’t remember. You’re on overdrive and on auto-pilot. You’re trying to multitask mentally, juggle all these different must-do’s and need-to’s and shoulds. You’ve gone beyond overload. You’re like a power plant that has been running too long at peak capacity and the whole thing is in danger of shutting down.

Lord, that is my fear, though, that the grid will go down, so to speak. In my life. It is the same fear family members have, I guess. They go around angry. Me, I’m just so afraid…and then this past fall, with Pete…and the other day, with Pete…I feel like I can’t let down my guard for one second. I feel like, if I take a break, take a walk, take a breather, that is the very moment he will need me, and I won’t be right there. So. That is my fear.

I know. And yet, when you stop and think, you realize you are not afraid of Me, and you do trust Me. So you feel confused, too.

Yes, that is true.

These are all symptoms. Sometimes symptoms must increase so the diagnosis can be made, so the condition can be identified and treated.

And You are saying I need professional help? Since I can’t handle this?

Eve, Eve. You did handle this. That is what you are not seeing. You did. You do. You came through like a trooper–but you are still stuck in “like a trooper” mode. That is the problem. You are waiting, 24/7, for the shoe to drop. For the next sudden attack on your life. That’s the problem.

Yes, well. Isn’t that obvious? I mean, hello, isn’t that where we are? Where he is, and where I am? Isn’t that where the whole world is, at some point?

So let Me play this back for you. You are saying the best response to aging is to move into a crisis mode with greater anxiety and less joy, just so you can be prepared for an eventual inevitable disaster? And that is the best I can offer humans for their latter years? And that is the most humans can expect of themselves, each other, and Me? Is that really what you think, or believe?

Well, when You put it that way…

No–you put it that way. You put it that way every time you make a choice to operate from a perspective that says, everything around you is falling apart and it is your responsibility to keep all the pieces together and in play. But everything around you is not falling apart, for one thing, and it is not your responsibility to hold everything together, as I have told you before. It is your responsibility to do what?

To live each day connected to You, and in love. In love with You, in love with Pete, in love with this beautiful, messy world and my beautiful, messy life.

And what part of love, of lovingkindness does the puzzle piece of your stress and anxiety, your fear and drivenness fit?

Lord, it doesn’t. It doesn’t fit the puzzle at all. It is the wrong size and the wrong shape and the wrong color. And it has rough, sharp edges. 

I want you to live “as if.” Some people counsel to live as if you are dying, as if life is shrinking and diminishing and you have to cram as much as you can into every moment. I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to live as though nothing matters and there is no purpose either. I want you to live a third way. I want you to live AS IF this day, every day, is the best day of your life so far. And then get up tomorrow and do that again. Just purpose in your heart, wow, this day is going to be incredible! Then let’s color in what incredible looks and feels like for you. It is different for everyone. For you, it does include both time to reflect and time to create, time to be with those you love and time to be alone, time at the Page with Me and time noticing the natural world. Incredible for you includes beauty in many forms. Words in many genres. Music. Laughter. The affection of furry critters. You’ve tumbled once again down a deep well of grief and you need to climb toward the light. Miraculously, nothing is really broken–yet. And there is a ladder leading up. So let’s climb out together, shall we?

I Heart…

In less than an hour, it’s my birthday. Although, if I am being precise, I really turn 61 somewhere around 8 a.m., not at midnight. Last year was the landmark/decade birthday, but I can’t help wondering about the year ahead. In Narnia Aslan told Lucy, no one can know about what will happen, but—

That is not what I said.

What?

As Aslan, in Narnia. That is not what I said. What Aslan actually said was, no one is told what would have happened if…And then what did Aslan say? Anyone can find out what will happen…

Oh, yes. Right, by taking action, by moving forward. Part of me wishes I could look ahead, have some foreknowledge, and part of me is afraid to ask for even a glimpse.

Here is all you really need to know. You will love the love of your life, for all of your life. And he will love you. When the road gets bumpier, you will have the ability and the circumstances to slow down, so the bumps don’t cause you to crash, emotionally, spiritually or financially. Instead of racing over or through the bumpy parts, you will walk hand in hand, each of you leaning on the other, and each of you both giving and receiving strength and comfort. At some point, I will call everyone on the planet Home. You will live through many Homegoings before you hear Me calling your name, and when I do, the joy that will rise up inside you will be so great, so powerful, your human body will not be able to contain it. In that moment, which you have labeled “death” you will become fully and eternally Alive and forever united to My Love and Life. It is hard for you to fully appreciate the joy, completely understand the risen life that awaits all of you on the other side of the veil you call Time.

When the day inevitably comes for Pete to come Home, although you cannot envision this now, you both will know, and you both will rejoice; he will rejoice because Joy itself will come for him, and you will rejoice, because you will realize that not even death can separate those who love one another.

You have asked in your heart a question that doubters asked Me, although your puzzlement comes not out of doubt but out of a sadness born from an anticipated loneliness. On earth, Pete has loved both Pat and you. So in heaven, whom will he love? And the answer is Love is All. Love is All encompassing, Love is All surrounding, Love is All infilling. In heaven, Love. There will be no more need for rank-ordering. When the glass is always full, there is no need for measurement. You will fully love, then, and you will be fully loved. Here, you cannot live without air, without breath. Then, you cannot live without Love. So much love, so much joy, so much peace, awaits you. And even those words are inadequate, for much invites a comparison to less-than-much, to little. That is why I so often Name Myself simply Am. Being. Love. Peace. These are synonymous in eternity.

So what does your 61st year hold? Wonder. Blessing. Strength. Resilience. Joy. Opportunity. Tenderness. What will be your part, your response? Gratitude. Peace. Serenity. Faith. Hope. Compassion. And yes, Joy.

Rest easy, little one. You have chapters yet to live, chapters yet to write. And you and Pete have pages yet to live together. Determine to write on every single page, happily ever after—and live that assurance, starting now. Keep sowing seeds of love, keep reaping a crop of love. Your entire existence together has been a loving journey. That will never change between you—never fear that.

Thank You, Lord. That is the best present I could ask for, tender, loving days together, however many there are.

I have told you before, don’t grieve in advance; don’t mortgage today to try to prepare for tomorrow. Be Here Now. Love Now. That is all any of you can really do, anyway. So purpose in your heart to do that, every day, and this really will be the kind of year you are always asking for others, your best year yet, overflowing with blessings.

Calling on Angels

NOTE: This particular entry dates back to December 2015. I felt led to post it tonight upon hearing of a domestic shooting in another state. After the word “bombing” in my original opening sentence, I added the words “shooting” and “attack,” after praying about altering the original entry. I offer it tonight as my prayer and intention for peace.

Oh, God, another bombing (shooting/attack). Please, please, please, please, please. Please.

Don’t worry and call it prayer. Don’t fear and call it wisdom. Don’t hate and call it justice.

Take a deep breath, and pray for My will, which is Peace, to be done.

Take another deep breath, and pray for My Kingdom, which is Love, to come.

Take yet one more deep breath, and pray for My Angels, who are heralds of Hope, to be once again seen, once again heard, once again felt, and once again followed.

Ssshhhh. You can cry; I Am crying too. What? You think I don’t weep with those who weep? I don’t ask you to do anything I Myself Am not already doing. Yes, I will wipe away all tears—but not today. Not as long as there is still grief and sorrow in your world. But bring those tears to Me. Don’t let what you see and hear make you bitter. This is hard work, to remain connected to Me as the Source of Love and Goodness when voices all around you begin to shout louder and louder in rage and revenge. That is what leads to war, you know—those voices. So cry if you must, but cry for peace.

Loss

Loss is hard, no matter how I think about it. I have friends going through it, right now.

The portal you call death is a lot like jumping to hyperspace, or going to warp speed—all of a sudden, the essence of the person is too large, too fast, and holds too much energy for the physical body that has been its home. The soul jumps to Eternity, leaving behind the empty shell. In this eternity there is no separation, not from Me and not from anyone loved in this life. In fact, since Love is the core of Being, the soul actually experiences unity with everyone and everything, while still retaining individuality. This is a mystery beyond your comprehension. You see glimpses and hints, nothing more.

Lord, the Old Testament warned against trying to connect with anyone who had died, so that warning makes me, I am sure makes a lot of us, wary. Yet some days I would like nothing more than a conversation with my Mom or Dad, or Patrick. That is why those dreams about them are so precious.

What the Old Testament warned about was substituting that contact for a genuine connection to Me. In Me and through Me and through the power of My resurrection, you have access to anyone for all of history. Who do you think sends you those comforting dreams? Who do you think summons the blue butterfly or the pileated woodpecker, just when you need some reassurance?

I gave you these earthly relationships to be an eternal blessing to you. I don’t intend you to remain in grief over the loss of physical contact. Instead, try asking Me to arrange experiences where you know your loved one has communicated with you, in a way personal and private to you, and see what happens?

Lord, I will never forget driving home after Christmas 2000, when Daddy died Christmas day, and the smell of his pipe tobacco that he got every Christmas in my childhood filled the car out of nowhere.

Not out of nowhere, out of Beyond. Out of Eternity. No, your father is not smoking a pipe in heaven! But that experience—what did it do for you?

I felt as if he was somehow near, along with my Aunt who gave him that tobacco, saying that he was okay. That he was well and healthy and somehow aware of me and where I was. It was a powerful moment of connection.

And did it increase or diminish your faith? Did it comfort you or plunge you into depression?

Lord, it increased my faith. And yes, it comforted me too—like the man I had lost to Alzheimer’s was somehow suddenly my Daddy again. Wow, I never put that into words before.

That was the exact intention, My intention, in the experience: to comfort and assure you.

So I can ask that my friends be comforted? And assured?

Indeed, yes. These are prayers I love to answer—happy serendipitous surprises of love.

Peace Plays the Umpire

Lord, what is the watchword for today?

The watchword for today is Peace–the kind of peace that plays umpire over your thoughts, calling fair or foul, in or out of bounds. My Peace outruns even your best thinking and your deepest understanding. When you come to the limit of all you know or understand, when nothing “makes sense,” that is when you need My Peace the most, and that is where you will find My Peace waiting.

Out of bounds thoughts and “foul moods” go hand-in-hand. I Am talking about thoughts like envy or resentment, thoughts that label others in any way less-than-you, or that label you as less-than-them, or–and this is very important for you now–thoughts that whisper you must do this alone. No, you have a team of helpers and Me as both Coach and Umpire.

But life has thrown a curveball, I hear you say.

Are you going to hurl your bat in frustration and take a chance on hurting someone else, or are you going to come to Me for some extra, private, one-on-one batting practice? You can hit this curveball. You can hit it out of the park. You can run the bases and you can drive others home, Home, on the strength of your swing. Don’t walk away from the batter’s box. Let Me show you how to handle life’s curveballs so that your peace, My Peace in you, stays intact and all your swinging for the fences bears much fruit.

It doesn’t seem fair, this particular pitch.

I know you are afraid of grounding out, of losing everything you cherish most. What happens with a game-winning run? The whole stadium cheers! All of Heaven rejoices. Let this turn into a victory lap.

How do I do that?

This is how. Your set-apart times with Me will give you everything you need. You’ve trusted Me for so much; trust Me in this.

Joy in Grief

God, I’m tired. Pete stayed for the vet, he came around 3 pm, and Mikey insisted on crawling into his lap instead of mine. Please, I want just a few minutes, here.

Rejoice, and again I say, rejoice. Sounds almost cruel, doesn’t it? But you can hold joy and grief in your heart at the same time, just as you can hold Love–or peace–and anger in your heart at the same time. Staying open to joy, to its appearance even if sudden or fleeting in your days will help keep your grief from overwhelming you. Holding to peace and love can help keep you from drowning in anger, being consumed by it. You’ve been very afraid of drowning in one or the other or both, for a very long time. But My Spirit lives in you, and its fruit of Love and Joy and Peace has grown deep roots in you. Don’t look for a banner crop right this second in your feelings–but do look for signs of flowering and growth even in this season. I promise you they are present and they will help you through these next days.

Thank You, God. I love You, Lord.

More on Faith and Love

The vet came, and we are going to have to put Mikey down, soon. I am thinking maybe even today. It’s wild, I journal yesterday about him, and now, this. I might’ve said, I don’t have the faith to see him healed but now, after what You said yesterday, that is not it. Is it?

Love would let him go. Sometimes Love holds on and sometimes Love lets go. True Love is discerning–it knows its time. It knows its purpose in each situation, each decision. When Love knows it is not yet time to let go, then Love energizes faith; the knowing what is best, what is most loving, gives the power for healing to happen. True Faith is believing in the reality and power of Love, in what Love can do in the world, whether it be in a sick body or a broken heart or a devastated community. And since I Am Love, Faith at its deepest and purest has eyes to see Me in every situation, to see My Hand in everything–not as Cause, necessarily. Sometimes as Cure.

If you can learn to live from Love, let Love be the foundation for everything you do and think and say, you will have the kind of faith that can move mountains–if moving a mountain is truly what Love needs to happen! You can also have the kind of faith that moves you–that inspires you to take action, all based in Love. So you see, letting Mikey go is an act of Love, and therefore, also an act of faith, an assurance you are doing the best thing.

But it still hurts.

(Gently) Yes, little one, I know. I better than anyone know the hurt Love experiences in the world. This is little comfort to you now, but the world I envisioned, the world I first created, the world where Mikey is now, has no hurt, no time, no limit, no end. It is only and always Love. Mikey has simply returned to that which he was created to inhabit all along. He is the one who is Home; you are the one still absent. Remember how I said yesterday, Faith connects others to Me through your Love?

Yes. What did You mean, exactly?

If you can believe, you will experience the connection to everyone you have ever loved, who has passed from sight, but is with Me, alive, in joy. There is no separation within Myself. You really do inhabit parallel universes–that is one way of phrasing it. The more you can open yourself up to eternity, the more of eternity you will experience in your earthly life. You have had moments of this, dreams of this, flashes of this. These were not anomalies. In a real sense, any sense of separation you experience–from Me, from those you love–is the anomaly. Love Is. Mikey is now held in purest Love. Allow your heart to rest in this knowing, if only for brief minutes at a time, and that knowing will comfort you beyond your mind’s understanding. And you will experience what you call “faith”–walking the bridge that connects you to Me, and to others. You pictured a tightrope, high, scary, windy. See how solid it really is? See how beautiful the country? You have glimpses and then the vision fades. Be not discouraged. Just feel the Love.